by Ruby Vincent
Landon didn’t sit right away. He stared hard at Michael, clearly wanting him to give up the seat next to me. Michael pretended not to see him.
“Were you guys bored waiting for us?” asked Melody.
We shared a look. Michael didn’t push me to talk about the little Gryffindor girl and I did not offer more information. I felt like we both silently agreed not to speak about it.
“No,” Michael replied. “We rode the Hogwarts Express back and forth. It was cool.”
“Damn,” said Cole. “Why didn’t you text me? I told you I was around.”
“We’re hitting Universal tomorrow. We can do it then.”
The conversation shifted to what we wanted to do after lunch.
“No more rollercoasters or fast rides for me,” I said.
“We can do the slow ones,” said Landon. “If that’s too much, there are shows we can watch too.”
“We?”
Landon cut eyes to Michael as he addressed me. “I’m not leaving you alone. I don’t want to. Doom was no fun without you. We can do the rest of this together.”
He didn’t look like he would be argued with, so I let it go. The rest of the day was great with the four of us hanging out together. Cole and Michael left us soon after lunch, but it was still a good time. We left the park a little while after sundown.
“Hey.” Landon leaned across his seat. The bus was quiet with half-sleepy teenagers and he whispered as he pressed his lips to my ear. “I don’t want you to feel pressured, but I’d like it if you came up to my room tonight.”
I turned so I could face him. Our noses brushed in the process. I made no attempt to move back. “I’m not sure if I’m ready to break any rules, Landon.”
“Trust me.” His breath tickled my lips. “You won’t regret it. Room 745. Okay?”
I hesitated. It had been a hard day in more ways than one. My reaction to my first rollercoaster threw me and I didn’t know if I had caught myself yet. “Okay.”
Beaming, he caressed my lips with his before claiming a kiss. If he noticed I was hardly kissing back, he said nothing about it.
That night, I got ready before the bathroom mirror while Michael watched television. He rested on top of the covers in nothing but a sleeveless shirt and boxers. The screen flickered endlessly as Michael flipped through the channels on a loop.
“You look like you’re going somewhere,” he called.
“I am.” I put on nice clothes for Zela, and then threw on a hoodie and sweatpants for Zeke. “Don’t wait up.”
I felt Michael’s eyes on me as I grabbed my things and walked out the door. I felt them, but I didn’t have the headspace to acknowledge what he might be thinking, or even how our relationship had changed in less than twenty-four hours. My thoughts were consumed by Landon Foster and what I had to do.
Dump him, Zela. Let him get hot and heavy and think he’s going to get some. Then, tell him you’d never be with a guy who did what he did. Dump him.
He deserves it, doesn’t he? All he wants from you is sex.
I held those thoughts in my mind as I rode the elevator to his floor. It buoyed me on the walk to the door. I knocked and it opened immediately.
“Zee, there you are.” A crisp scent of tart plums and sweet vanilla wafted out of the door. I had a wild thought that the scents were us. Sweet and tart. Opposites that only make sense when they are put together.
“Landon,” I began. “There’s something I need to talk with you about.”
“Okay.” Landon stepped back. “Come inside.”
My breath caught at the sight that awaited me. There were no lights on in the room. The soft, flickering glow was the results of dozens of vanilla plum candles scatter through the space.
Slowly, I stepped over the threshold to take it in. Landon’s suite may have had the same beige wallpaper, gray carpets, and damask comforter, but the bed he led me to was huge—more than enough space for two people.
Landon took me in his arms and threaded his fingers behind my back. I felt the duvet bumping the back of my knees.
“I’m glad you’re here.” He kissed my forehead. “Tonight will be perfect.”
I took a breath, held it, and then softly let it go. “I need to talk to you about something, Landon. I said I wasn’t ready for sex. I’m also not ready for—”
“Shhh, Zela,” he whispered. “I know.”
“You know? What do you know?”
“I know you’re not ready. I didn’t ask you up here for sex. I asked you up here so we could talk.”
I could not have heard him correctly. “To talk?”
“Yes.” Landon pushed back my hair and my eyes fluttered shut at the touch. “You’ve been asking to get to know each other, and tonight, that is what I want to do. No rules, no sex. Just you and me.”
My mouth suddenly felt dry. I gazed around the room as his words burrowed inside of me. I thought all he wanted out of this trip was to get into my pants, and the whole time he was planning to curl up and talk to me.
What do I do now?
“Okay,” I said softly. “Let’s talk.”
Landon guided me back and I dropped onto the sheets with his hands still around me. Together, we inched up the bed until we fell onto the pillows. Landon reached for my wig first and gently took it off. I held still as he loosened my hair from its. He moved to my clothes and disappeared as he pulled the sweatshirt over my head.
He promised nothing sexual was going to happen tonight, but reclining here while he unwrapped Zela made my nerves zing with electricity. Of all the moments we shared, this felt the most intimate.
Landon pushed the sweatpants down my waist and then all that was left was my striped shirt dress and stockings. He crawled back toward me, moving like a panther that had its prey in sight and my heart beat loudly in my ears as he reached for me.
If he takes off my dress too, I don’t know if I’ll be able stop him.
Landon picked up the pillows and gathered them around me to make me more comfortable.
“One more thing.” He flipped over and lifted a tray of tiny treats and goodies. “You like chocolate, so I told them to send up a tray of chocolate everything.”
I giggled. “This is so sweet, Landon. It’s honestly nothing like I expected.”
“In a good way, I hope.”
“Definitely in a good way.” My lips quivered and I took a bite of tiramisu to cover it.
He grinned a happy, lopsided smile. “Where do you want to start?”
“You start first.”
“Me first?” Landon blew out a breath as he leaned against the headboard. “Where do I begin? How about we tell each other something... real?”
“Real?”
“It doesn’t have to be a deep, dark secret, but something that matters.”
I nodded rather than answer.
“Good. Then, I’ll go first as promised.” He curled his hand around mine. “Did I ever tell you that Cole, Michael, Adam and I used to be best friends?”
I sat up a little straighter. “You were?”
“Yep.”
“What happened?”
“I happened.” Sighing, he let his head fall back onto the pillows. “People have always assumed I was into guys because of my clothes and contacts, but what they were so sure of, I was still figuring out in middle school. I didn’t have many people to talk to, but I did have my friends—specifically Michael and Cole.”
I didn’t know where this was going, but I refused to interrupt. I listened silently and tried not to shiver as his thumb lazily stroked my hand.
“You’ve seen how they are. They’re pretty much joined at the hip and they were the same back in Evergreen. You couldn’t catch one of them without the other and one day I thought...”
“That there was more to their relationship.”
He nodded. “I only wanted to talk to them, but when I walked up to Cole and asked him if Michael was his boyfriend. He punched me in the face.”
“He d
id what?” I breathed. “Why would he do that?”
“Because he’s Cole. He’ll take the smallest thing from zero to five hundred in a second. I asked him if he was hooking up with his best friend, and he dumped me. Michael didn’t want to be in the middle, so he made it easy and chose Cole.”
“What about Adam?” The question was pulled from me. I didn’t want to hear that Adam had been horrible to him, but now that he was opening up to me, a bigger part of me craved to learn new part of him.
“He never really dumped me. His mother started popping out babies like it was her goal to repopulate the earth and he took on more and more responsibility to be there for them. Suddenly, there was no time for movies, coming over to my house, sleepovers, none of it.
“Then, things heated up on the swim team. Adam and Cole were the only two worth looking at. It burned Cole up every time Adam beat him, or when he beat Adam and Adam acted like he didn’t care and none of it was worth worrying about.
“It got tense with them. They stopped being friends and Michael stuck with Cole again.” He laughed without mirth. “Adam can make friends with a rock, so he picked up a new crowd pretty quickly, but our group was done. I lost all of my friends within one year.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it was.” I turned my palm up and threaded our fingers together. “Did you lose Derek too?”
“Never had him. He had another group. Then some stuff went down with his mom and he had nothing to do with them or anyone else.”
“Do you know what happened to his mom?”
“You should ask him about that. Somehow, you manage to become friends with him. If he’ll tell anyone the truth, it’s you.”
I looked down. “Why are you telling me this, Landon?
“Because I realized that I want to talk to you too. I want to know why pretending to be a boy was the only way for you to come to this school. I want to know why you love math so much. I want to know all of the places you’ve been and where you want to go.
Landon’s eyes traced my face. I imagined him seeing through to my soul. “And because, more than anything, I don’t want to be casual anymore, Zela. You were the first guy I ever had the courage to like, and now, you’re the first girl I’m falling in love with.”
I pressed my lips together. They trembled worse than ever, but my attempts to hold back the flood of emotions were not enough to stem the tears collecting in my eyes. Landon blurred as his sweet, perfect confession undid me molecule by molecule.
“Don’t cry, baby,” he whispered. He gently wiped away a tear from my lips. “I want you to know how I feel. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way right now. I can wait as long as it takes.”
“Landon...” I shook my head. I had to stop this. I have to tell him the truth of how we got here.
“I know it will take time,” he continued. “What I did to you was awful and I don’t deserve your forgiveness. It didn’t matter that I was mad or what I thought you did or who I thought you were. We took it way too far and—”
“Landon.”
“—I’m sorry.” He brushed away more tears as they fell. “I’ve never said it before and now I’ll say it as many times as it takes. I’m sorry for the locker room. I’m sorry I didn’t stop Zach. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I promise whether we’re exclusive or not, together or not, friends or not, I’ll never hurt you again.”
“Oh, Landon.” One by one, he broke through all of my defenses. My body shook as though it knew how vulnerable I was. One more strike, and I was gone.
“It’s okay, Zela,” he whispered. “Just breathe. It’s me and you.”
He murmured that to me as my tears slowed. Then, he cleaned my face with a tissue. “Better?”
He kissed me before I could reply—a soft peck on the lips.
“So what did you want to tell me?”
I blinked as he slowly came into focus. “Tell you?”
“You said you needed to talk to me about something.” He smiled that happy, beatific smile that punched me in the gut. “What is it?”
I had to tell you that I don’t want to be with you anymore. That all of this meant nothing to me and we were over. I came here to tell you to rot in hell.
My throat constricted around the words. They choked me as I gazed at the boy who had given me everything I needed to break him and was so out-of-his-mind happy about it.
I opened my mouth to tell him what I came here to say... and a sob escaped my lips. Once free, the floodgates opened and nothing could hold them back. I cried heart wrenching, gushing tears.
“Zela? Zela, what’s wrong?” The alarm in his voice only served to make me cry harder. “Zela, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
I shook my head roughly. “I-It’s not y-you. It’s me. It’s always me. I do everything wrong.”
The rollercoaster, the hallucinations, the little Gryffindor girl, and the pitying, repulsed looks of the crowd swirled in my head. The emotions tangled into one overwhelming mess that I couldn’t pick apart.
“Baby, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re perfect. It’s me who messed up. I’m the one—”
“No! You don’t understand!”
He took my face in his hands and he raised me to look into his wide, beseeching eyes. “Then help me understand. Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything.”
Landon must have thought that would bring me around. Instead, I cried even harder. Loud, hiccupping sobs that hurt almost as much as what I felt inside. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do what I came here to do and I couldn’t stay.
I have to get out.
“Derek.” The name tumbled out unbidden. “G-Get Derek.”
“Derek? Why? I don’t under—”
“Please, Landon. I need him.”
He didn’t argue further. Landon climbed off the bed and bolted out the door without bothering to put on his shoes. All I could do was try, and fail, to slow my tears as I waited for them to come back.
“—want from me.” His voice reached my ears before he reached me. “You better have a fucking good reason for dragging me here.”
The door flew open.
“I don’t have time for— Zela?”
I lifted my head. Derek took one look at me crouched on Landon’s bed, eyes puffy, and face soaked with tears, and he launched at him.
Derek grabbed his collar and slammed Landon into the wall.
“Hey!”
“What did you do to her?! What did you do?!”
Screaming, I tumbled off the bed and raced to him. “Derek, no! Stop!” I grabbed his wrist and tried to pull him off. “He didn’t do anything to me.”
He whipped around, releasing his hold. “Then why are you crying?”
“Please,” I rasped. “I have to go. Just take me out of here.”
“Go?” The pain etched in Landon’s face made me feel a million times worse. “Why do you have to go? What did I do wrong?”
“It’s not you.,” I said. “I’m sorry. It’s me. It’s always me.”
He stepped closer. “Zela, whatever it is. We can talk about it.”
Derek encircled my waist and drew me to his side. “I will find out. If you did do something wrong, I’ll be back to beat your ass.”
His threat hanging in the air, Derek swept us out of the room. Landon watched us go from his doorway. I knew I should say something, but nothing would come out. We turned a corner, and my chance was gone.
Derek walked up to the elevators but didn’t stop. We kept going to a door near the end of the hall. There was no vanilla plum haven waiting for me inside of this room, but as he pushed aside his mountain of books and placed me on the bed, I felt comfort of a different kind.
He got in next to me and brushed away the hair sticking to my face. “What happened?”
My response was to take a pillow, put it on his lap, and rest my head on top. I gazed at the black screen of the television while Derek continued to stroke my hair.
“Did he do so
mething to you?”
The menace in his tone forced me to speak. “Landon was amazing. He was sweet, open, and patient. He said he wants to have a real relationship and he thinks he might be falling in love with me.”
“What a bastard.”
I almost smiled. Almost. “I went there to dump him, Derek. That was my big plan for revenge. To make him fall for me and then crush his heart like he did mine.”
“But when you had your chance... you realized you had fallen for him too.”
“Yes,” I whispered.
His hand was warm and soothing as it ran through my hair. “What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you want to do, Zela? You don’t have to dump him because you feel you have to be mad at him, but you also don’t have to stay with him because you have feelings. It should feel right completely with the person you love. If you trust them and forgive them and... can’t imagine not seeing them every day.
“If the best part of your morning is eating breakfast with him or sitting on your bed goofing off. Or if it breaks your heart when they cry and puts it back together when they laugh. If even when you’re blindingly mad at them... they’re still the person you most want to talk to. It’s worth going after that no matter what’s happened in the past.”
I turned my head up, blinking at him in surprise. I had never heard Derek speak like this before. He caught my look and pulled away, returning his hand to his side. I smiled a little as he cleared his throat.
“I’m just saying... the real thing is worth it.”
“The real thing?” I repeated as I turned back to the television. “How can I ever have something real?”
“You can.”
“No, I can’t,” I said through numb lips. “I can’t because no one knows anything real about me. I demand trust and honesty from Landon but Jordan was right. I don’t let anyone in. I never have.”
“You can let me in.”
I didn’t reply.
“Whatever it is, Zela. You can tell me. I’ll understand. I’ll listen.”
Still, I did not answer.
Derek sighed. “Okay. Here goes.”
Here goes? What does that mean?
“When I was in middle school, my best friends were Mateo and Edmund.”