‘We’re here to celebrate Christy,’ she says. ‘Not to talk about Roxy.’
‘Of course we are,’ says Aidan. He takes out his phone and shows us some photos of himself and Dad that he’s scanned. We all smile at the pictures and reminisce about Dad as Aidan continues to flick through them. He pauses at one of him standing in the garden, a football trapped beneath his foot. Dad must have taken it. It’s almost identical to the photo in the seat pocket of the car, the photo I’ve saved to my phone. I look at Aidan, but he’s already swiped to the next picture.
Neither he nor Mum wants to believe that Dad might have fathered another child. When it comes down to it, no matter how fascinated I am by the idea, I’d rather it wasn’t true either. Thinking about it is a waste of my time and energy. I should delete the photo from my phone and throw the actual picture away.
The day I stop driving, I will.
Nobody is in a rush to leave Mum’s house. Dave, replete with food and beer, has nodded off in an armchair. Mica, Tom and Deacon are playing in the conservatory. Aidan is replacing some light bulbs in the utility room. Mum, Kerry and I are chatting about TV programmes. Kerry asks if we’ve seen the series starring Thea Ryan, and Mum nods enthusiastically. She adds that I’m Ms Ryan’s driver, which makes Kerry’s eyes widen.
‘I’m not employed by her,’ I clarify. ‘She calls me when she needs to be driven somewhere.’
‘And she’s driven that celebrity nutritionist woman with her own show. Gina Hayes.’ Mum sounds proud of me and I can’t help feeling a little proud myself. Especially when she adds that I’ve also had the vibrant Leona Lynch as a client. ‘It’s good to know that the younger crowd like her too,’ Mum adds, which makes me chuckle.
‘Dave is right about you living the high life,’ says Kerry. ‘I can’t believe you’re an actual celebrity chauffeur.’
‘There’s not that much celebrity in it,’ I say. ‘But it’s nice to have some famous people in the car from time to time.’
‘You should have a website,’ Kerry says. ‘And list them.’
‘I’m not sure they’d want to appear on a site like that,’ I say. ‘But I’ve set up an Instagram account and Leona Lynch is one of my followers. I’m up to nearly five hundred now,’ I add as I take out my phone and show her. ‘Gina’s PR company follows me too, and they’ve used me for a few of their authors. They’ve booked me to pick up Kieran Kelly next month.’ Kieran Kelly is the hot Irish actor currently making a name for himself in Hollywood. There’s talk of a Golden Globe nomination and possibly even an Oscar. I was very excited when Melisse called me.
‘Oooh!’ Kerry is equally excited. ‘Now I see why you want to keep driving. Who wouldn’t want a sexy man like Kieran Kelly in the back seat!’
I laugh. ‘Men like him are the exception rather than the rule,’ I say. ‘It’s usually boring business people. But still . . . it is kind of cool, isn’t it?’
‘But Dave says you’re taking a break.’ She lowers her voice even though my husband is snoring gently in the corner. ‘And he’s made it plain that he wants you to sell the car.’
‘Ah, you know.’ I shrug. ‘I think I can talk him around. It’s all about managing our time, really. Making sure the kids aren’t neglected.’
‘With men, a lot of it is making sure they don’t feel neglected,’ says Kerry.
She’s echoing my mum and she’s right. Dave wants to believe he’s the most important person in my life and that everything revolves around him. And in a lot of ways it does. Before Dad got sick and before I started driving, I always took account of my husband before I agreed to doing anything. The weekends were crafted around him. He made an assumption that I had plenty of time for my own stuff during the week. Which was partly true, of course. But my time then was every bit as taken up by other things as it is by driving now. The common theme, though, was making sure Dave was happy. Not just happy enough.
These are uncomfortable thoughts and I don’t like the way they’re worming through my head. It’s not wrong to put your family ahead of yourself. The same as it’s not wrong to want to do something for yourself. But if that’s the case, how come I feel guilty about doing both?
Kerry is talking about another celebrity now, a beauty blogger I’ve never heard of.
‘If you ever drive her, Roxy, be sure to ask her for samples,’ she says. ‘I bet she has loads of stuff she never has time to use.’
My phone beeps suddenly and wakes Dave up. He’s trying to pretend he wasn’t asleep at all as I fish it out of my bag and look at the message. It’s from Leona Lynch’s agent asking if I can drive her next weekend to a tech event in Trinity College where she’s a guest speaker.
Dave has announced to everyone that I’m taking a break and winding things down. And despite telling Kerry that I can talk him around, I’m not sure I can. But neither am I saying no to Leona Lynch. So I agree to the job without anyone even knowing that I was offered it in the first place.
Sometimes technology is great.
‘We should probably get going.’ Kerry looks at her watch. ‘I’ll see how Aidan is getting on.’ She walks out of the room.
Dave stands up too and stretches his arms above his head.
‘Great meal, Selina,’ he says. ‘Very impressive. I’ll call a cab.’
Everyone is bustling around now and Mum and I are momentarily alone in the living room.
‘It was a fantastic lunch,’ I tell her. ‘You said you had some help. It wasn’t Diarmuid by any chance, was it?’
Mum flushes and then gives a little shrug of resignation.
‘He gave me some tips,’ she admits.
‘So he hasn’t dumped you for a younger model yet?’ I tease. ‘You’re managing to keep him interested?’
‘Shh, for heaven’s sake,’ she hisses at me. ‘I’m telling you because . . . well, I don’t know why, really.’
‘Are you properly dating him?’ I’m happy for her, but it’s a bit weird to think that my mum’s male friend helped her make a celebration dinner for my late father’s birthday.
‘Not dating,’ she says. ‘I told you before. It’s companionship.’
‘How many times?’
‘He brought me to dinner in town. A really good restaurant with proper tablecloths and leather-bound menus. And then he advised me on this. He’s a good cook, Roxy. He enjoys being in the kitchen.’
That’s a turn-up for the books for certain.
‘Nobody will ever replace your dad,’ says Mum. ‘I swear to you.’
‘Mum, you’re a grown-up. We’re all grown-ups. Your life is yours to lead.’ I think I’m being very mature even though I suddenly feel quite wobbly inside.
She puts her arms around me. ‘I don’t care how grown up you are, darling. You’ll always be my little girl,’ she says, and kisses me on the cheek. ‘And listen to me,’ she adds. ‘I know I mightn’t always have seemed supportive about it, but if you want to keep driving, you keep driving, no matter what Dave says. I’m always here to back you up and keep an eye on Mica and Tom.’
My husband walks in carrying my jacket and holds it out so that I can slip my arms into the sleeves. I emerge from my mother’s hug and slide it on.
Dave checks his phone and puts his arm around me.
‘Taxi’s here,’ he says, and there’s authority in his voice. ‘Time to go.’
So we do.
Chapter 26
I want to pick the right moment to tell Dave about driving Leona, because I know it’s going to annoy him, particularly as it’s at the weekend. I also have to pretend that it’s a job that’s been in the pipeline for a while, otherwise we’ll definitely have a row about my so-called break. When he comes home on Tuesday night in great form because the company has landed a very profitable contract, I think that this is the time. He can’t complain about me getting good business when he’s getting it too.
Obviously I don’t say anything while the children are around, but when they’ve gone to bed and we’re sitti
ng on the sofa together, I’m ready to give the speech I’ve been rehearsing for the past couple of days. But before I can start, he pulls me towards him and brings his mouth down on mine, and I think that this is what it’s supposed to be like, that we’re husband and wife and we only want what’s best for each other. And I truly do want what’s best for Dave. What’s best for both of us. Everything else is a distraction.
‘I hope the kids don’t—’
‘Shut up,’ he says, and kisses me again.
I shut up.
‘We should do it like this more often,’ he says afterwards.
‘You’re usually watching football.’
‘I’d pick you over Arsenal any day.’ He grins. ‘Certainly the way they’re playing now.’
‘That’s good to know.’ I make a face at him and he kisses me again.
‘I’ve been thinking,’ he says after a while.
I look expectantly at him.
‘I know it’s been a tough time, and maybe I haven’t been understanding enough of what you’ve gone through.’
I’m not sure if he means about Dad dying or him and Julie.
‘Things have been out of whack,’ he says. ‘It’s hard to get it back sometimes.’
Clearly he really has been thinking. And this is a good thing. Because it means our marriage matters to him as much as it matters to me. Hopefully we’ll be able to talk about it like adults, and he’ll understand my desire to have my own business.
‘What we really need . . .’ His tone is serious and I look at him intently. ‘What we really need,’ he continues, ‘is to make the family complete.’
I’m not sure exactly what he’s talking about. Our family is complete. Unless he wants to get the dog that Tom badgers us about every so often. So far we’ve always stood firm. But does Dave seriously think adding a dog to the mix will help?
‘We only have two,’ he says. ‘I know your family is small, Roxy, but I come from a larger crowd. And I’d like more.’
I say nothing as I process his words.
‘We were strapped for money before,’ Dave continues. ‘During the recession and everything. But now we’re in a better place. I have lots of work. You’ve made a nice little pot with the driving, and as soon as we sell the car, we’ll have even more. So it’s a good time.’
I know what he’s saying but I want to hear it all the same. To be sure I’m not mistaken.
‘You’re a great mother,’ says Dave, ‘and you deserve another baby.’
I love Mica and Tom more than anything. I’ve loved them since before they were born. I loved carrying them, giving birth to them, bringing them home and watching them grow. I think of what that would be like again. And there are bits of it that are appealing. But I’m done with the whole baby thing. I really am.
‘I don’t want another baby, Dave.’ I feel the tension in my body. ‘We’re fine the way we are.’
‘You wanted one when Tom started school,’ he reminds me.
And it’s true. I did. For about a day. Because when I went home to an empty house, I felt bereft. But then I started childminding. I’m done with that too.
‘It would be lovely to have a baby in the house again,’ says Dave. ‘And great for Tom.’
I don’t want another argument with him. There have been so many and they’re always about him wanting something and me saying no. Instead I say we’d have to consider it carefully.
He squeezes my shoulders and kisses my hair and tells me he loves me again.
This is clearly not the ideal moment to mention the Leona Lynch job, but I decide to tell him anyway. Leona’s agent has sent me more information about the event itself and has said that I can have some free tickets. I use these as bait, saying that Mica is crazy about Leona and that tech is really important and it would be good for her to go, so it’s not so much me doing a job as doing something for our daughter.
‘But you’ve to collect this Lynch wan from Drogheda first? And bring her home?’
‘It’s no big deal, Dave. And she’s an important client.’
‘Your important client is going to have to start looking elsewhere,’ he says. ‘Besides, you’ve only been driving her a few months. She can’t be that important.’
‘Leona is great,’ I say. ‘She taught me how to edit photos to make them look good on social media. StyleDrive has a lot of followers now.’
I wriggle away from him and take out my mobile phone to show him the Instagram account. He’s never looked at it before. Dave only bothers with Facebook.
‘What’s the point of sharing all these photos?’ he asks. ‘How does that get you any business?’
I say that it’s all about exposure, and he snorts. But then I suggest that his plumbing company could put up photos of the work they’ve done. People would see his wonderful bathrooms and be inspired. He looks at my photos again and scrolls through some of the accounts I follow.
‘Click on Leona’s,’ I say.
He does, and grimaces. ‘She’s far too in love with herself for me.’
‘She’s not posing for you,’ I point out. ‘Dave, she earns a six-figure sum from all of her blogging and stuff. She talks about beauty products and people buy them. OK, a lot of her followers are too young to be hiring cars and buying bathrooms, but other people see the pictures too.’
He’s scrolling through my pictures again, more slowly this time.
‘You should think about it.’
‘Maybe,’ he says. ‘But it doesn’t alter the fact that you’ve taken on a job at the weekend when I don’t want you to drive at all.’
‘We’ll work it out,’ I say, even though I’m not sure how we will.
‘Where’s this?’ he asks, stopping at a photo I took of Castlemartyr. It doesn’t do it justice because the light was poor and even the filters didn’t really help. I tell him that it was where I overnighted in Cork, and he’s saying that it doesn’t look like much when he moves on to the room. Which by any stretch of the imagination was fabulous. But very fortunately his attention is caught by the bathroom and he’s looking at the tiles and the shower and suddenly I can see he’s interested in the whole idea and has been distracted from our conversation.
‘So I would post pictures of the bathrooms we do,’ he says.
‘Yes.’ I nod. ‘I think they’d look great. You could do them as you’re working on them. Or before-and-after pictures.’ I’m actually getting quite excited on Dave’s behalf.
‘I’ll download the app,’ he says.
‘Brilliant.’
‘What’s this?’
It’s the chicken sandwich I had in the bar. The photo makes it look even better than it was in real life.
‘My dinner,’ I tell him. ‘A chicken sandwich.’
‘“Compensations in a Driver’s Life”?’ He reads the caption.
‘It was a very nice sandwich,’ I say.
‘Best driver in the world?’ This time he’s reading Leona’s hashtag.
I shrug.
Dave takes out his phone and downloads Instagram.
We don’t talk about Leona Lynch again.
Mica has obviously been telling Emma all about the tech event, because her mum rings me for more information. After I give her the lowdown, Audrey offers to bring the two girls to the venue while I collect Leona, which is really helpful.
‘No bother,’ says Audrey. ‘Emma is very excited. She’s a big Leona Lynch fan too.’
Until I met Leona, I hadn’t realised how popular she was. But now that I recognise her name, I’ve seen it pop up all over the place. So Audrey and I make an arrangement for her to collect the children on Saturday morning. They’re going to get the Dart into town, which will leave them near the venue. Meantime I text Leona to check on the time I’ll be picking her up.
Dave has agreed that he might bring Tom and his friend Andrew in later, but as they have a football match in the morning, he’s promised them burgers afterwards. They’re looking forward to it, he says, and he’s
not going to let them down.
‘Absolutely fine,’ I say with a determined cheeriness. I’m not going to rock the boat.
The event is good fun and Leona is an absolute star. After her talk, everyone mills around trying to get selfies. I ask Mica if she wants to push forward, but my daughter is suddenly shy and shakes her head. However, after Leona eventually manages to escape, she sends me a text and asks if I’d like to bring Mica to the security guard’s room for a selfie of her own. Mica and Emma are over the moon with excitement.
‘Hi!’ Leona beams at them when we walk in. ‘It’s great to see you. Which of you is Mica?’
And then she’s chatting to them and letting them take as many selfies as they want and generally making their day.
‘Thank you,’ I say when they eventually have enough and Audrey tells them it’s time to go home. ‘That was so generous of you.’
‘No problem at all.’ Leona smiles. ‘I like your daughter. She’s feisty.’
‘She can be a handful sometimes, but she’s got a good heart,’ I say.
‘She reminds me of me,’ says Leona. ‘Knows her own mind.’
‘Which can be good and bad.’ I grin. ‘Are you ready to go home yourself now?’
Leona nods and drains her bottle of water.
‘I have to get the car first,’ I tell her.
‘I’ll walk with you,’ she says.
‘Sure?’
‘Of course.’
We walk through the college. It’s where she was studying for her degree and she knows her way around.
‘I told all those kids how important education is, but I dropped out myself,’ she says, her tone rueful. ‘I will definitely finish my degree at some point.’
‘That’ll keep your mum happy.’
She laughs. ‘The most important thing, obviously.’
We don’t talk on the way back to Drogheda. Unlike the last time I drove her, she’s spending a lot of time tapping on her phone. After half an hour or so she takes a call.
‘Liam-o,’ she says. ‘How are you?’
I try to tune out as I always do when clients are having conversations, but I can’t help hearing that her tone is getting more and more irritated.
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