by Amy Brown
When I open the door to the car, she starts the engine. I slide in and buckle my seatbelt. We ride in silence for a few minutes, but then the conversation I knew was inevitable begins.
“Are you going to be nicer to Mason today?” She asks.
I sigh. “Yes.” I hope that’s true. I hope I can control my weird rude impulses around him today.
“He’s not gonna want to study with you if you keep treating him poorly.”
“I know.” I wince. “I don’t know why I can’t just be nice to him.”
She laughs. “Well, he is hot.”
I cringe. “Eww, Mom. You can’t say that.”
She laughs even harder. “What?”
“He’s my age. Someone your age can’t say someone my age is hot. You sound like a pervert.”
“Oh brother. It’s not like I’m hitting on him. I have eyes. Anyone can see he’s a good looking kid.” She pulls onto the main Highway. “Anyway, my point is that maybe you’re acting mean because he’s cute.”
“I don’t know.” I’d rather not admit my attraction to Mason. But at the same time, I am ashamed of how I’m treating him. He’s been so nice to me. I need to do better.
“I was like that around Fred at first.” She laughs. “Every time he came in, I’d be curt and spill a drink on him.”
I glance over. “Seriously?”
She nods. “It was ridiculous. But he was so nice about it, and gradually, I started to calm down when I’d see him. The more we talked and got to know each other, the better it was.”
“I doubt Mason wants to get to know me better. He’s out of my league.”
She scowls. “You don’t think I thought that about Fred? There were only too many people willing to tell me I had no chance with Fred. But we connected on a personal level. We have a chemistry that is off the charts, and we fell in love. Fred tells me he’s more than his bank account. He’s right. He’s an amazing person, and I would think about him that way whether he was rich or poor.”
My face warms. “Mason and I are not going to fall in love. I just think he’s cute, and I get tongue tied around him.”
“Being tongue tied around him would probably be an improvement.”
I scowl. “Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I am on your side.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yes. But if you can’t be nice to boys, they won’t want to be around you. Would you want to maybe date Mason?”
“Date him?” I squeak. “I don’t even really know him.”
“He has nice eyes. Kind eyes.” She shrugs. “You’re seventeen and you’ve never had a boyfriend. If you’re interested in him, you should pursue him.”
“I can’t even speak to him without insulting him. How I’m I supposed to date the poor guy?” The very idea of dating Mason makes my stomach swirled nervously. “Besides, he’s not going to be interested in a girl from a trailer park.”
“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
I sigh. “He does know.”
She frowns. “How?”
“He delivered the pizzas Fred bought for us to our trailer the other day.”
She bugs her eyes. “What? Are you serious?”
I nod. “Yep. I was rude to him that night too.”
At least I’m consistent.
“Oh, well, you’re not a girl who lives in a trailer park anymore. You don’t have to feel like you’re beneath Mason. You’re rich now, just like he is.”
I frown. “No. Fred’s rich. I’m not Fred’s child.”
“You’re my child, and I’m Fred’s wife.” She gives me an impatient glance.
“You’re not married yet.”
She looks hurt. “Friday we’ll be married. You know that. Why do you have to be so negative?” She sounds demoralized.
Guilt eats at me. I don’t like the fact I’m turning into this black hole of a person. I don’t seem able to control my rude impulses. If I keep being like this, no one will want to be around me. Forget Mason, my own family won’t want to be around me.
“Sorry,” I say gruffly. I believe Fred loves my mom. It’s only been three days of living with Fred, but there hasn’t even been one moment where I suspected he was a phony. He seems to be a genuinely caring person. And he’s obviously head over heels for my mom.
She sighs. “It’s okay.”
I hang my head. “No it isn’t. I’ve just gotten so used to being disappointed, I don’t know how to be hopeful anymore.”
She doesn’t speak immediately, when she does her voice is soft and encouraging. “I understand. I had to fight so hard not to show you guys how scared I was all the time. I mean all the time. It’s a gut-wrenching feeling to fail your children.”
“You didn’t fail. You did the best you could.”
Her laugh is jagged. “It felt even worse knowing my best wasn’t good enough.”
She’s certainly never let me see that she felt like a failure. She’s always been upbeat, and told us we’d be fine. Hearing her say how scared she’d been is jarring. Makes me respect her more knowing she was flooded with doubt, but doing her best to function still.
“Why wouldn’t you take government assistance?” I frown. “Maybe that would have made things easier on us.”
She pulls into the parking lot of my school, and she turns the engine off. She faces me, and her expression is filled with shame. “I did. We had assistance.”
Shock rolls through me and I stare at her with my mouth open. “What?”
“Even with it, we couldn’t make ends meet.”
“But… but… why didn’t you tell me?” I’d been so angry with her, thinking she was just being prideful.
“I preferred that you were angry with me, rather than frightened. If you’d known we had public assistance and were still struggling so much, I was afraid you’d have been even more terrified.” Her voice is hushed.
I can’t believe the whole time she’d kept that from us. I’d been so angry and I’d taken all that out on her. Meanwhile, she’d been working ten hour shifts, and hiding her misery for our sakes. “Sorry, Mom.” My eyes burn with tears. “I feel bad about how hard I was on you.”
“Oh, honey.” She reaches over and grabs my hand. “Don’t be silly. It’s a parent’s job to shield the kids from all the bad stuff. Or as much as they can shield them. My main fear was always losing you to Social Services. That kept me up at night.”
I’m seeing my mom in a new light. A good light. “You’re a better actress than I realized.” I laugh sheepishly.
“It was getting harder and harder.” She swallows. “Thank the Lord I met Fred. Things were getting too far out of my control. Plus, every year that passed made getting a job that much harder. I was feeling pretty desperate.”
“You truly do love Fred though, right?”
She smiles. “With all my heart. Not counting you and Luke, he’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
I open my door, and get out of the car. Then I lean in, and say softly, “I think he’s the best thing that ever happened to our family.”
She looks pleased. “I’m happy to hear you say that. Your acceptance means everything.”
I don’t say it out loud, but I’m thankful Fred accepts us too. I’ve heard a million horror stories about step parents rejecting the step kids. So far, Fred has been open and warm. I think we really hit the jackpot with him. “See you after school,” I say.
“Be safe.”
I close the door, and turn toward campus. Mom gives a little honk of the horn as she drives away, and I wince because it draws attention to me. Across the grassy quad I see Sophia and Jules. My stomach sinks as they notice me. I lift my chin and head in the direction of my first class. Sophia and Jules glare at me as I walk by, but I don’t look at them. However, I make sure I’m not close enough for them to trip me.
Mason is already in his seat when I arrive at my class. My pulse spikes as our eyes meet, but hopefully I hide my
excitement at seeing him. There’s just something about him that makes my knees weak. I claim my seat, and Mason turns.
“Scoot your desk closer,” he whispers.
I was waiting for him to invite me, feeling way too shy to just drag my desk over without his invitation. I stand and ignore the stares from the other students as my desk lurches noisily across the floor. Once I’m seated, Mason smiles at me. My heart does another one of those annoying flip-flops, and I’m breathless when he puts his arm along the back of my chair.
I love his woodsy cologne and the heat of his arm resting near my shoulders is nice. At first I’m very stiff, but eventually I relax. Mrs. Dunbar goes around the room making everyone read a paragraph from Where the Crawdads Sing. When it’s my turn, I feel ready to hyperventilate as everybody stares at me. Mason pats my shoulder, and I feel better at his reassuring touch. Not sure why, since I don’t know him that well.
When it’s his turn to read, he removes his arm from around my shoulders, and doesn’t replace it even when he’s done. I feel silly that I miss his touch. We barely know each other, and yet I feel like we do. Mason seems to be one of those people that everybody likes. He’s approachable. The complete opposite of me. Yet, he treats me the same as he treats all the other kids who are nice to him.
I’m actually sorry when class is over because I don’t have any more classes with Mason. I put my desk back where it belongs, and gather my things.
“Are we on for Smarties Coffeehouse tonight?” he asks.
“If you don’t mind.” I’m happy he didn’t forget.
He smiles. “Remember the offer is still open to study at my house.”
That feels too intimate. I can barely control my nerves around him in a group of people. If we were alone together, I’d probably roll into a ball and suck my thumb. “I think Smarties is fine.”
Something flickers in his gaze, but his smile is unwavering. “Sure. Same time?”
“Yes. If you don’t mind?”
He surprises me when he leans in and tucks a piece of unruly hair behind my ear. “Whatever you want, Charity.” His voice is husky, and it makes me shiver with feelings I don’t even understand.
I don’t have any experience with guys, but I swear he’s flirting. My face warms, and I turn to leave the room. I can feel his eyes on me as I walk away, that makes me feel disjointed and uncoordinated. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to walk, and my legs are Pogo sticks.
He walks away in the opposite direction, and I see in the distance he’s meeting Jeremy and another guy with red hair. Sophia also walks up to their little group, and my stomach churns. I hate the idea that he’s friends with her. How could he like a girl like her? She’s despicable.
I wonder if they’ve slept together in the past. Sophia certainly seemed interested in him yesterday. She kept touching him, which annoyed me, even though it was none of my business. I reassure myself that my possessive emotions about Mason are only because Sophia is a bitch, and she tried to trip me. It has nothing to do with Mason really.
A dark haired girl runs up, and she falls into step with me. I glance over uneasily, and find her smiling. “Hi, I’m Paula. We have art history together.”
“Oh, hi.” I recognize her now. She sits behind me in art history and she has an annoying habit of kicking the back of my chair.
“You’re Charity right?” When I nod, she continues, “I was going to introduce myself to you yesterday, but you looked so stressed out, I decided to give you a day to acclimatize. You can’t really make friends with someone if they’re having a nervous breakdown.”
I grimace. “I don’t know that I was having an actual nervous breakdown.”
“Oh I wouldn’t blame you if you were. Being new here is torture. The Elites are jerks to transfer students especially. We call the rich upper classmen The Elites because they’re such snobs.” She hikes her backpack higher on her shoulder. “I’m here on a scholarship. The Elites think I’m the scum of the earth because I’m infiltrating their perfect little school. I don’t care what they think.”
She certainly is talkative. But I don’t really mind because she has a warm and cheerful energy about her. So far, I’ve failed to make any friends. I don’t really count Mason as a friend just yet because Mrs. Dunbar forced him into studying with me.
Paula continues to talk about the school while I study her. She’s very pretty, with black hair cut in a pixie, and big brown eyes with dark lashes. She’s petite, the top of her head barely reaches my shoulder. As she rattles on, I can’t help but smile at her. I feel as if I’ve known her for years, probably because she so relaxed.
She suddenly stops talking. “Gosh, sorry. I’m blabbering and not letting you get a word in.”
“It’s okay. I don’t have much to say.”
“You will.” She laughs. “Just wait.” We walk in silence for a few moments, then she says. “Would you like to sit with me at lunch?”
I ate alone yesterday, under a tree near the parking lot. I didn’t have the nerve to face the cafeteria on my first day. I’d actually love to have a friend to eat with. I’ve eaten alone at a lot of the schools I’ve attended over the years. It’s hard to break into social cliques when people have gone to school together forever, and you just show up out of the blue.
Before I can respond, she says, “You don’t have to eat with me. I mean, maybe you prefer eating alone. I get it if that’s the case. I won’t be insulted.”
When she stops for air, I say, “I’d like to eat with you.” I have to talk fast or I’m afraid I won’t get a word in.
She looks pleased. “Yay. I’m so glad.”
I wonder if she has to eat alone, and that’s why she’s asking. But then she sets me straight on that.
“There’s a whole group of us who eat lunch together. Paul, Lisa, Gregory, and Scott too, when he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He has a lot of girlfriends though, so he may not be there today. You never know with Scott. He’s like a real chick-magnet.”
I reach my math class. “Where should I meet you?”
“Since art history is right before lunch, let’s just go to the cafeteria together after class, okay?” She smiles.
“Okay.” I’m ridiculously happy to have someone to sit with at lunch. I hope I like the rest of the gang. “Are you all scholarship students?”
“No. Gregory comes from money, but we all belong to the EPG club. That stands for Environmental Protection Agency. We don’t all come from the same backgrounds, but we all have this weird love of clean air and water.” She grins.
“I… I love clean air and water.” I laugh.
“Then you’ll fit right in.” She waves and heads off.
Did I just make a friend? How the heck did that happen? My math class is crowded and stuffy, but it goes quickly. Once the bell rings, I head to science class and endure a long lecture on Environmental Systems and Societies. It’s hard to concentrate on what the teacher is saying because I’m so excited at the concept of having a friend. I don’t know why Paula decided to latch onto me, but I’m grateful. I hope the more I get to know her the more we like each other.
Once the class is over, I head to art history. Paula is already in her seat, and she waves cheerfully as I enter the class. I sit down and she leans forward.
“I told everybody you’re joining us for lunch. Even Scott said he’ll try to make it,” she whispers.
“No pressure.” I grimace. I hope meeting me isn’t a letdown. There’s nothing particularly special about me, I’m just a normal girl.
She laughs. “Don’t be silly. They’ll love you.”
The teacher starts talking so we fall silent. I enjoy art history. Frankly I like anything to do with art. It’s hard to make a living doing anything in the creative arts, but if I could do anything I wanted, I’d probably be a graphic artist. I like the idea of working for myself, and creating things that other people pay me for. Graphic designers probably make more, but I don’t know if I’d like taking other people�
��s art and turning it into something. I prefer to create my own.
It occurs to me that because Fred is now in our lives, perhaps my future is more flexible. For so long I haven’t allowed myself to dream. Now, maybe dreams are a possibility again. Excitement rolls through me at that idea. Can I truly make my future what I want?
Once class is over, Paula and I walk across the large campus. In most of my past schools, the cafeterias were big open areas with long fiberglass tables. They were usually scratched with dirty words and kid’s names, but they got the job done. Longhorn Academy’s cafeteria is almost lavish. There are plants around the room in fancy ceramic pots, and long polished mahogany tables. The chairs have thick paisley padding, and the plates appear to be ceramic.
Paula laughs at my expression. “Ridiculous right? My last school we ate on plastic plates, and the lines were so long we were lucky if we had time to eat.”
I look at the food windows. There must be ten of them open. None of the lines even look that long. There’s a chance I might have time to get food. “Is it always like this?”
“Oh yes. Just wait till you taste the food too. It’s actually delicious.” She leads me to one of the shortest lines. “They even have vegan options.”
“Are you serious?” I laugh. “I mean, I guess that’s great, but… unusual.”
“Only the best for these rich kids.” She smirks.
Ahead of me in line I see Jeremy. His glossy dark hair is distinct, but he doesn’t notice me. He’s laughing and joking around with a redheaded guy. I think I remember seeing the redheaded guy with Mason earlier today. I glance around, but I don’t see Mason anywhere.
“Looking for someone?” Paula’s gaze is astute. “Mason, perhaps?”
My face warms, but I hope my cheeks don’t turn pink. “No.”
She doesn’t look like she believes me. However, she lets it slide. “You should try the cheese macaroni. It’s probably the best I’ve ever had in my life.”
Relieved she dropped the subject of Mason, I nod. “I will. Do they allow soda here?”
She laughs. “What do you think?”
“I think from your response they allow anything.”
“Bingo.”