by Amy Brown
Eventually I’ll have to hurt Charity, and I don’t like that. When that dreadful day comes, where I have to betray Charity, hopefully she’ll understand that it had to happen. She needed to learn her place on the food chain.
You’re either one of The Elites, or one of those who bows before us.
There is no other category.
Chapter Nineteen
Charity
When I wake up for school Monday morning, I stretch and grin. I’ve just enjoyed the best weekend of my life. My body is covered with bite marks and bruises from all the sex I enjoyed with Mason. I lost my virginity to him, and, just like I hoped, he was the perfect choice to be my very first.
He turns me on so much, it’s embarrassing. I practically attacked him the minute I showed up at his house yesterday. Then I kept pushing for more the whole time I was there. We fucked in the game room, the pool, and again in his bed. I think I even wore him out.
When I arrive at school, I find Paula and the gang at the quad, sitting on benches. I’m happy I have a crowd to hang with finally. I’ve always been such a loner, no one ever had my back at school. But Paula and the others are very protective of me, and I thank my lucky stars every day that Paula befriended me.
Once we’ve gotten our hellos out of the way, Paula pulls me aside. “Did you have a nice weekend?” she asks. Something in her tone alerts me it isn’t an innocent question.
“Yep.” I smile. “How about you?”
“Oh, it was nice. Quiet.”
I avoid her gaze. “Mine too.” I feel bad lying to her, but I can’t tell her about what happened with Mason. She definitely won’t approve, and I want her approval.
“Did you go anywhere?”
It’s one thing to pretend I had an uneventful weekend, and another to flat out lie about not going anywhere. I’m not comfortable lying to her face. “I went to Travis’s party Friday night. Remember I invited you?”
“I remember.” She chews her bottom lip. “Is it true you went with Jeremy?”
“Yes.”
“Is it also true you asked him?” She studies me, her expression difficult to read.
“Yes.” I lean toward her. “I asked you first, but you said no.”
She sighs. “I said no because we don’t belong at those parties. That’s enemy territory. I already went to the bonfire, against my better judgement.”
I frown. “You said you had fun at the bonfire.”
“I did have fun, mostly because Gregory was there.” She shrugs. “Mason was busy monopolizing you.”
I wince inwardly. If she’d seen just how he was “monopolizing” me, she’d look even more disapproving. “What does it matter if we go to their parties?”
“They don’t actually want us there.”
“Travis’s party poster said the whole school was welcome.”
She laughs. “Sure. The Elites have to have someone there to pick on. They’re not supposed to pick on each other.”
“You really believe that’s the only reason they invite us to things?” She definitely has a very jaded view of The Elites. I’m sure they deserve her disfavor for the most part, but I like to think maybe some of them aren’t as awful as the others. For example, Mason. He seems different from the others.
“What other reason would there be? They don’t want our friendship.”
It is true that while Mason enjoys fucking me, he isn’t making any attempt to be my friend at school. “We’re no more friendly to them than they are us.”
She laughs. “What does that mean?”
I shrug. “Sometimes I think we’re snobby to them too. It’s not just one sided.”
She bugs her eyes. “What?”
“We avoid them.”
“Of course we do. They’re horrible to us.”
I grimace. “They’re not so bad. I mean, Sophia is an atrocious bitch, but the guys aren’t so bad.”
She looks to the sky. “Charity, they just want sex. They’re being nice so they can get what they want. It’s not out of the kindness of their heart.”
“Jeremy was a perfect gentleman at the party.”
“That’s surprising. He didn’t try to corner you in one of the bedrooms? That’s their usual M.O. at those parties.”
“No. He didn’t do anything like that. I’m telling you, he was nice to me.”
“The Elites don’t socialize with our kind without wanting a payoff of some sort. They’re users. Period.”
“But, like I said, Jeremy didn’t try anything with me.” Of course, I did leave early because of my run-in with Sophia. Maybe he would have made a move on me. Who knows?
“I don’t understand why he behaved. That isn’t like them. They use and abuse us every chance they get.”
“Well, Jeremy was very nice to me at the party.” Her persistent hatred of The Elites does make me uneasy. A part of me realizes I should listen to her because she knows them so much better than me. But after all that has happened with Mason, it’s really difficult for me to be objective. I’m truly starting to care about him, and it’s hard to walk the line between my friends and The Elites. I don’t want to lose Paula’s friendship, but I have strong feelings for Mason too.
Her gaze is intense, and something flutters through her eyes. “Oh, God.” She widens her eyes. “Charity, did you sleep with Jeremy?”
“What?” I laugh, also cringing inside at how close to the target she is. “No. I didn’t sleep with Jeremy. I already told you that.”
She waves her hand toward me. “Something is different about you.”
I feel like she’s peering into my soul. “I didn’t sleep with Jeremy. I swear.”
It’s obvious from her expression she isn’t sure she believes me. She sucks in a calming breath, and says softly, “You could tell me if you did. Yes, I’d be horrified, but I won’t turn on you. You’re my friend no matter what.”
I’m relieved to hear that, but still not sure I have any interest in telling anyone about me and Mason. What we have feels way too personal to share with others. I hope he feels the same way because it would suck for it to get out we slept together. Especially if I haven’t told Paula. Sophia would probably put a bomb under my car.
I touch her arm. “I swear, I didn’t sleep with Jeremy.”
She nods, but her gaze is astute. “Okay, but you did sleep with someone?”
Is she part bloodhound?
I’m desperate to throw her off the trail. “I didn’t sleep with anyone at Travis’s party. I promise.” I hesitate. “Sophia did try to beat me up though.”
Her mouth falls open. “Shut the fuck up.”
I laugh gruffly. “She and Jules surrounded me with a bunch of other girls. She was pissed off that I invited Jeremy to the party.”
“Oh my God. Did she hurt you?”
I shake my head. “No. Uh… Mason stopped her.”
“Mason stopped her?” She scowls. “Why would he step in?”
I shrug. “No idea. He said he didn’t want her to get arrested. Maybe that was true. Maybe he took pity on me. I’m not sure.”
She narrows her eyes. “Sophia has beaten up lots of girls. I can’t remember Mason stepping in even once.”
In hindsight I realize I’ve made it worse by confessing about the Sophia and Mason thing. She looks even more suspicious now. Only now she’s focused on Mason. The very person I was trying to keep out of this. This is what I get for lying. I’m not a good liar, especially to people I like.
She glances around at the rest of our group, and lowers her voice. “Charity, I’ll be honest with you, I’m hurt.”
My stomach sinks. “Why?”
“Because I tell you everything. I told you how I think I have a crush on Gregory, my anxiety attacks, and even about my yeast infection. But you keep everything to yourself. If we’re truly friends, you should confide in me. That’s what friends do.”
I swallow nervously. “I do tell you things.”
She shakes her head. “Not really. You t
ell me impersonal things. I tell you everything. Probably too much to be honest. Frankly, nobody needs to know about my damn yeast infection.” She sighs. “It’s gone by the way.”
“Oh, good.” I grimace. I’m afraid she won’t want to be my friend anymore if I can’t be more open. But I’m not sure I know how to be more open either. I’m not used to telling anyone how I feel. I tend to keep everything inside. “I’m sorry if I’m a sucky friend.”
She smiles. “You’re a good friend. But I want to be closer. I think you’re afraid I’ll judge you. I won’t. I promise. I will be honest with you though, and I will give you my opinion because I also believe that’s what a good friend does. Friends need the truth sometimes. The hard truth. What we don’t need is to lie to each other, and tell the other only what we want to hear.”
My eyes sting at her passionate declaration. I feel ashamed because I’ve been a bit standoffish with her. It’s something I need to work on. I want to have real relationships with people, not fake superficial ones. “You’re right. I do keep my feelings bottled up,” I say quietly. “I don’t even mean to.”
“It’s okay. But I’m a good listener, and I can keep a secret.”
I nod, my heart beating faster. Do I dare confide in Paula? It would be nice to have someone to talk to about what’s happening with Mason. I feel very alone sometimes. Obviously, I don’t want to tell Mom or Luke about sleeping with Mason. Besides, Mom is so happy right now with her new marriage to Fred, the last thing she needs is my teenage angst interfering.
I glance across the quad and see Mason and his friends. Sophia is there too, and her obnoxious laugh makes my teeth clench. I don’t like thinking about it, but it does annoy me that Mason can fuck me multiple times on the weekend, but not talk to me at school. I keep telling myself I don’t really care about that, but a part of me does. Even if it’s just sex, it’s cold to pretend he isn’t interested in me at all, not even as a person. Especially when he can’t get enough of me in private.
I glance at Paula and find her watching me with empathy. Maybe she already knows the truth. Maybe I’m stupid even thinking I have a secret. It might be nice to share with her how I feel about being ignored by Mason, after the passionate weekend we shared.
“Promise you won’t judge me?” I ask softly.
“Absolutely.” She sighs. “Scout’s honor.”
“Okay… well… I…” I wince. “Why is this so hard?”
“Take your time,” she says quietly.
I swallow hard. “I…I had sex with… Mason.” My voice wobbles and my face feels like it’s on fire. I can’t believe I just admitted that to her. I’m both panicked and numb.
I have to give Paula credit; she doesn’t show any emotion, although I have no doubt she’s feeling some. She nods slowly. “I had a feeling.”
I flick my uneasy gaze to hers. “Did you?”
“I’ve been afraid of that since the bonfire. It was obvious you were into him.” She grimaces. “I’m glad you told me. I’m not judging you, but I am worried for you.”
“You don’t have to worry. He’s been very nice.”
Her jaw tenses. “Well, yes. He got what he wanted. Why wouldn’t he be nice?”
I frown. “If he was just using me, why spend the whole weekend with me?”
“Hmmm… that is unusual for him.” She wrinkles her brow. “I suppose how he treats you from today on will be very telling.”
“Yes.” I again study Mason and his friends. I was looking forward to getting a glimpse of him today, but as he stands with his back to me, laughing with his pals, apparently it wasn’t mutual. It irks me that Sophia is with him, looking confident in her right to stand beside him. When we’re together, he implies he’s not interested in her. He says a lot of derogatory things about Sophia, and The Elites in general. But his actions don’t match up. He touches her arm a lot, and laughs at her jokes. If that’s how he acts when he’s not interested, I can’t imagine how he acts when he is.
“Are you going to keep… seeing him?” She keeps her tone neutral.
“I have no idea. We never plan ahead.” The more I think about it, the more that feels disrespectful. It’s as if he doesn’t think I have a life, and therefore will be at his beck and call.
Haven’t I been?
All weekend long, if he asked to see me, I said yes. Why would he feel anything other than confident? Even when we were together, he didn’t even have to make a move. I was more sexually aggressive than he was half the time. Of course he’s not insecure about my attraction.
“Maybe you shouldn’t be too available.” She chews on her bottom lip, watching Mason and his friends. “If he does bother to reach out again, perhaps you should be busy.”
My pride says she’s right. “Not a bad idea. I don’t like everything being on his terms.”
“Unfortunately, it usually will be when it comes to The Elites.”
“Maybe we should change that.”
She smiles at me. “Yes, maybe we should.”
The bell rings, and we stand to head to class. My stomach is churning because I’m suddenly feeling very ambivalent about Mason, and he’s in my first class. I say goodbye to my group of friends, and I hurry toward my classroom. It would be incredibly awkward to have to walk with Mason and his friends. I’d much rather get to class first, grab my seat, and pretend like I don’t remember Mason exists. Kind of like he’s treating me. Two can play at this game.
I’m seated by the time Mason saunters into class. He stops to talk to a girl at the front, and I’m annoyed to feel a spike of jealousy. I have no right to be jealous of Mason, or territorial in any way. But I’m feeling flustered, and uncertain. I’m not worldly enough to know how to handle all the confusing emotions rolling around inside of me.
He owes me nothing. He owes me nothing. He owes me nothing. Don’t be angry, just be cool.
I open my book and shuffle my papers, getting my pen ready to take notes. I don’t look up when Mason sits down in front of me. I’m breathless, but desperately trying to appear calm. He glances over his shoulder at me, but I refuse to meet his gaze. I have no idea if he was smiling, or trying to be friendly, because I’m studiously ignoring him. If he can’t acknowledge me around his friends, why bother now?
Mrs. Dunbar springs a pop quiz on us. I’m almost relieved since that means I won’t have to share a book, or be in a group with Mason. Mrs. Dunbar says we can go to the library if we finish early. The test is easy for me, and once I’m done answering the questions, I take my test up to the teacher. I return to my desk, pack up my things, and, without looking at Mason, leave for the library.
I grab a small table in the corner of the library near the self-help section. It seems like the right spot for me, since I’m a quivering mass of insecurities at the moment. I wish I was sophisticated and knew how to behave around Mason now. It’s hard to pretend like we’re mere acquaintances like before. Not when he’s been inside me. It was hard enough to act casual after the bonfire, but what I’ve shared with Mason now is beyond intimate. Losing my virginity is a big deal, and he’s still treating me the same as before. Ignoring me at school seems rather callous.
I’ve been a floor mat with Mason. I should never have been okay with him giving me oral sex at the bonfire, and then ignoring me at school. Why did I think that was okay? Why didn’t I think he should show me more respect? Now I’ve gone even further with him, and he’s still acting like we barely know each other. He doesn’t have to eat lunch with me, but would it kill him to maybe wave at me from across the quad this morning? He didn’t need to actually come over and speak to me, but a casual wave would’ve been nice.
Knowing Mason, he’d say I could’ve waved first. But he must know that his friends are far more intimidating than my friends are to him and his buddies. Not to mention, he was with Sophia. The bitch of the world. I’d have to be out of my mind to approach him if she’s standing anywhere nearby.
When Mason sits down across from me, I jump.
“Shit,” I hiss. “You scared me.”
He frowns, and drops his backpack on the ground. “Not even a good morning, Charity?” he asks, his tone surly.
I blink at him, shocked he’d follow me to the library. I’d have thought he’d be off somewhere seducing other victims. “Good morning.”
“That’s better.” He studies me. “I seem to be feeling a bit of a frost off of you. Anything wrong?”
“Why would there be?” I lift my chin, worried my nervous energy will give me away.
“Because I’ve seen snowmen warmer than you.” He smirks.
“Ha. Ha.” I hold his gaze.
He narrows his eyes. “What’s your excuse for ignoring me in class?”
My face warms and I’m sure my cheeks are pink. I have no idea what to say to his question. I didn’t expect him to be so blunt. I’m certainly not about to admit I’m a ball of anxiety, or that my feelings were hurt he didn’t acknowledge me earlier. Feeling defensive, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “I had no idea you were so emotionally needy.”
He looks like I slapped him. “Excuse me?”
I drop my gaze to my book, my heart pounding. “Since when do you care if I acknowledge you at school?”
“I don’t care,” he snaps.
I give him a frosty glance. “You could’ve fooled me.”
A crimson flush sweeps up from his throat to his cheeks. “Jesus, you can be such a bitch sometimes.”
Guilt eats at me, but I’m too wound up to back down. “I… I need to study,” I say softly. I’m afraid the only way I’ll stop being mean to him is if he goes away. I don’t seem capable of saying a kind word to him right now. I hate it when I get like this, self-protective to the point of boorish. Yes, I’m annoyed with him, but I don’t actually enjoy being mean.
“I’m trying to talk to you, Charity.” He wrinkles his brow. “Why won’t you just communicate with me?”
Because I don’t know how?