by Hamel, B. B.
We sit in silence for a second. I let her story wash over me. I digest it a little bit, although it’s a lot, and she only gave me little pieces.
“Let me understand this,” I say, trying to be as gentle as I can. “You were born into some kind of… cult.”
She opens her mouth then shuts it again. Then she laughs. “I was just about to say that Balancogen isn’t a cult. That was drilled into us over and over again. But that’s exactly what it is, isn’t it?”
I nod a little bit. “I’m sorry.”
“God, it’s okay. I’m just so…” She looks away, fighting back tears. “I’m just so dumb.”
“You’re not dumb. Do you know how rare it is for someone like you to get out? You were born into it. Well, maybe not born, but you grew up in a cult. Most people don’t get away.”
She nods a little. “I know other people like me. They didn’t leave. They were my friends and now they hate me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I know I’m dropping a lot on you. I haven’t told anyone else my story since I left and it kind of feels good to get it out.”
“I’m sure it does. That’s a heavy thing to hold inside.”
“I just wish… I wish they’d leave me alone. I can’t believe he’s out here. I can’t believe Mark came out here. Do you know how many times Mark left the Palisades since I’ve known him?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. And what’re the Palisades?”
“That’s what we called our little commune. And not once, he didn’t leave once. Why the hell would he, when he has like ten wives?”
I blink a little. “Ten… wives?”
She laughs. “One of the things that made me want to leave.”
“Okay. Yeah. I can see how that might be off.”
“I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t mean…”
“Is he dangerous?” I ask. “Has he ever done anything dangerous or violent? Or any of the others from your group?”
“No,” she says. “Never. Not once.”
“But he grabbed you yesterday.”
“He didn’t mean… he wasn’t trying to hurt me. Just wanted to take me back. He thinks he owns me.”
“Why?”
She looks away. “Just part of it all.”
I can tell she’s holding back still, but I change the subject. “Do I need to worry about him?”
“I don’t know,” she says honestly. “I don’t know what he’s capable of. Nobody ever ran away like this.”
I shake my head and lean back in my chair. “Ran away from a cult... and now the cult leader is out here to get you. That’s one hell of a story, Kim.”
“I know. I’m sure you hate me now and I can’t blame you.”
“I don’t hate you,” I say softly. “I hate that fucker Mark. I hate what he did to you, what they all did to you.”
She looks at me. “You have no clue.”
“I know more than you think. Maybe not your exact situation, but situations like it. I was a cop in Chicago, remember? I’ve seen things.”
She bites her lip. “I should just run. Maybe I can get further this time, maybe leave the country. I don’t think he’ll follow me forever. He can’t follow me forever.”
“Maybe,” I concede. “But maybe he will. The man’s clearly not entirely sane. He might catch you somewhere and decide he can’t bring you home… so he might as well kill you.”
Her eyes go wide. “He wouldn’t—”
“He might.”
We sit in silence for a long moment.
“What do I do?”
“For now, you can stay here,” I say. “I’ll watch over you until you figure out where to go next. Maybe you can contact some people you knew back then, get them to help you, convince this Mark guy to let you go.”
She laughs. “You don’t know how Balancogen works.”
“No, I don’t. But we’ll figure it out.”
“Are you sure? Can you really let me stay here after knowing all this?”
I chew on that for a moment. Truth is, I’m worried about it. I’m worried Annie will get attached to Kim and Kim will just disappear one day, breaking my girl’s heart. I’m worried Annie might get hurt in the crossfire, or hurt just because that guy’s a psycho.
And I’m worried I might get hurt. I’m worried I might get attached to this incredible, gorgeous girl.
But I know one thing. I know that I wish I could’ve done more for the women back in Chicago, back when I was a cop.
Now I have a chance to help someone for real. I can’t back down from that, even if it is dangerous.
“I’m sure,” I say. “I’ll make up the guest room. We’ll work it out.”
“Thank you.” There are tears in her eyes.
“Don’t thank me. You’re helping with the babysitting. Shit, I’ll get a lot done with you around.”
She laughs a little. “Gladly.”
“All right.” I put my hand on hers and she holds it. “We’ll work it out.”
She nods. “Yeah. We will.”
And now in this moment, I know I won’t let that fucker Mark take her back. I won’t let her run, either.
I’ll keep her here. I’ll keep her safe. We’ll figure it out together.
9
Kim
“Come, Kim, come,” Annie says, tugging my hand. I smile at the little girl and follow her. “Play Dingo.”
She leads me into the living room and points at the floor. “Here, Kim, here.”
I sit down and she teeters off to pull out a little tin from under the coffee table. She brings it over and puts it down in front of me.
“Daniel Tiger Bingo,” I say, laughing. “Dingo.”
“Dingo!” She throws her hands up.
I laugh and open it up. I give her a card and a chip, and we start playing. It’s an easy game and she’s not really interested in doing anything more than cheering every time I make bingo for her on the board, but it’s fun.
She’s a cute girl. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her get upset. I’ve been staying with Erik for a few days now and she’s pretty much always a delight and easy to get along with.
I’m watching her now while Erik picks up an extra shift. He wasn’t too excited about it but I insisted. I figure, if I’m going to stay with them, I might as well put in some work.
He gave me a list of numbers, made me swear that I’d update him hourly, and finally tore himself away after showering his daughter with kisses.
It’s sweet, really. I can tell they’re close. He lost his wife right after she was born and Annie must be the only thing he has anymore. He treats her like a little princess, spoils her a little bit, but he can be firm when he needs to be.
We play Dingo for a little bit longer before she gets bored and spills the chips everywhere. “Annie,” I admonish her but she just laughs. I clean it up and when I’m finished, she takes the tin and carries it back to its place.
I stand up and stretch. I have a lot of experience with little kids from my time on the commune. A few babies were born when I was there and it was expected that everyone would pitch in and help raise them. I didn’t really take to it right away, but my mom pushed me into it.
Said I needed to learn. One day, that would be me.
I shudder just thinking about it now. Getting pregnant there would’ve ruined my life. It would’ve been the end for it. I would’ve been trapped on that commune forever. The women there are so defenseless and controlled and taken advantage of. They have no money, no power, nothing. The only reason I escaped was because I stole and ran.
I’d never have been able to do that with a baby.
Annie leads me into the other room again and this time I find her some crayons and a big pad of paper. I spread it out on the kitchen floor and she colors, making big, bold lines and scribbling all over.
“Stay on the paper,” I warn when she gets close to the floor. She veers away with a laugh.
I grin at her. I swear, sh
e’s testing me. She doesn’t do this stuff when her father’s around. She’s practically an angel for him.
I watch her color and I’m starting to drift away mentally, thinking about Erik and his strong arms, when there’s a knock at the door.
I sit totally still, eyes wide. Fear spikes through me. It’s probably irrational and stupid, but I can’t help myself.
“Door!” Annie jumps up. “Door, door, door.”
“Annie, no,” I say but she’s already running. She runs down the hall and I hurry to catch her.
“Door!” she screams as I scoop her up. The knock comes again, louder this time, almost in response to the little girl.
I hold her tight. “Shhh,” I say. “It’s okay. Be quiet.”
“Door,” she whispers and giggles. She thinks it’s a game but fear is rolling through my body.
My heart’s hammering in my chest. I want to stand there and not move until whoever is outside goes away. But the knocks come again, pounding, making the glass rattle. “Door!” Annie screams and struggles in my arms.
“Annie! Calm down, please, sweetie. It’s okay, it’s okay.”
The pounding comes again. “I hear you!” a voice shouts from outside. “I hear you, damn it. Open the door.”
I don’t move. I know the voice. I know the voice so intimately and it makes my blood run cold.
No, he wouldn’t. There’s no way he’d come to the house like this.
He pounds again though. “Open up, Kimmy,” he shouts. “I can hear you breathing. I know you’re there.”
“Go to hell,” I yell.
“Ouch,” Annie says.
“Sorry, sweetie,” I whisper and carry her from the door. My mind’s racing, fear running through me, but the knocking stops. I get her into the kitchen and put her down with her paper and crayons. “Go ahead and color, sweetie. It’s okay.”
She shrugs and gets back to it. That’s the thing with little kids, they’re adaptable. They can move on from things.
But not me. I sit there in the chair, practically trembling.
He’s back. Of course he’s back. I knew he would be sooner or later. Mark’s not going to let me go without a fight, and the other day was just a prelude to what’s to come.
My only fear is that this little girl will get pulled into it. I’d never forgive myself if that happened.
I sit there, waiting for more knocking, but it doesn’t come. After a few minutes, I start to think that he left. Maybe he just wanted to scare me. Or maybe he was bluffing and didn’t actually hear anything.
Until the knocking starts on the back door.
I stand up and almost scream. I swallow it, force it back down. Annie looks at me with a little alarm in her eyes.
“Door?” she asks, puzzled. Nobody knocks on the back door.
“It’s okay, sweetie. Come here.” I go to scoop her up but she dodges me. She runs to the door as the knocking starts again.
Mark looks in through the window.
I grab the girl as he opens the door. It’s not locked and I let out a scream. I run away, heading up the steps two at a time, Annie in my arms.
I hear Mark behind me. “Don’t run, Kim,” he shouts. “Don’t run from me, damn you. Come back. I know you don’t really want this.”
“Leave me alone!” I scream and race into the master bedroom. I slam the door behind me and just manage to lock it when Mark bashes himself against it.
The door flexes but holds. He hits it again and again but it doesn’t break. I’m shaking and Annie is trembling in my arms and I think I might scream, but I have to keep it together for her.
“Open up,” Mark says. “I just want to talk.”
“So talk.” I slip my phone from my pocket, hands trembling. “Go ahead. Say what you need to. Speak your truth.” I use only Balancogen language because I know he’ll like that.
“You want my truth? Okay then, Kim. My truth is you left us. You stole from us. You betrayed us. And that hurts.”
“I know,” I say.
I type out a text to Erik.
He’s here. I’m hiding in your room. Help.
I hit send.
“You know but you don’t seem to care. You need to come back, Kimmy. Everyone misses you. Your mom misses you.”
“I know,” I say again. “I know it’s true.”
I sit back on the bed and hug Annie. She clings to me, arms around my neck, head against my chest.
“So why not come home? We’re your family, we’re—”
“You’re not my family, Mark,” I say. “You never were. None of that was real. None of it was real.”
“It was all real,” he says.
“Even when you came to me at night, begging me? Even when you did the same to my mom? Even when—” I stop myself, remembering the girl in my arms. She’s looking at me, confusion on her face.
“You know I regret it all,” he says. “The anger, the other things. You know I have bad ions, Kim. I’ve been purifying every day, following the guidelines I set out, and I’ve been making huge strides.”
“I bet,” I say. “But it’s too late. I can’t come back.”
“Not even for your mom?”
I can feel myself shaking more. I shut my eyes tight, trying not to think about her.
I hate that I left her behind. I hate myself for it. I asked her a week before I left if she’d ever thought about finding someplace else, someplace away from everyone.
She looked at me like I was insane. “Leave our family?” she asked. “Never, Kimmy. Don’t ever talk like that.”
So I didn’t bring it up again.
I wish I had. I wish I pushed and pressed and worked. Maybe she would’ve gone to Mark herself, and maybe he would’ve stopped me from leaving, but I don’t think so. I think she would’ve kept my secrets or maybe even helped me.
Or maybe even come with me.
But it doesn’t matter. I left her behind out of fear and selfishness. I hate myself for it every day.
“Come back, see your mom,” he says. “She misses you, you know. She talks about you constantly. Hell, I’m not sure I ever would’ve tracked you down if it weren’t for her.”
“No,” I say, although my voice is weak. “I can’t.”
“Oh, Kimmy. You can, honey. Just come home.”
I hear an engine roar outside and tires squeal. My heart leaps a bit as a car door slams.
“What did you do?” he yells. “The fuck did you do?”
He slams against the door once, twice. I think it might break, but he doesn’t hit it a third time.
I hear him run down the hall. I hear him run fast, stumble down the steps. I put Annie down.
“Stay here,” I say. “Don’t move. Okay?”
She nods, clearly frightened.
I hurry after Mark. I throw the door open and run down the hall. I hear voices, shouting. Erik’s inside and Mark’s backing away from him. Erik’s in his security guard uniform, looks almost like a cop, except he doesn’t have a gun.
“Get the fuck out of my house,” Erik roars. “Get out, motherfucker. This is breaking and entering, this is a goddamn felony.”
Mark backs to the door. “This isn’t over. She’s mine.”
“I don’t care what you think, you psycho. I don’t care if you think you own her. If you step foot on my property again, I won’t hesitate to shoot.”
“And go down for murder.”
Erik laughs. “This is fucking Virginia, motherfucker. Get the hell out.”
Mark throws me a look and gives me a smile. That smile, the one I used to crave so much.
It makes me sick now.
“See you soon, Kimmy. And your mom says hello.”
He turns and leaves, slamming the back door behind him.
Erik whirls on me. “What the hell was that?” he asks. His voice is level but angry.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he’d come back.”
“How did he get inside? Where’s Annie?”
&nb
sp; “She’s upstairs, she’s okay.”
He brushes past me. He hurries upstairs and finds his daughter in his room. “Daddy!” She runs into his arms.
He hugs her tight and glares at me. “Come on, honey. Let’s go put you downstairs, okay?”
“Dingo,” she says.
“Yeah, sure, Dingo.” He takes her into the living room, gets her set up with her little game. “Stay here, okay? I need to talk to Kim.”
“Mmm, okay, Daddy.” She dumps out the game and starts to play with the chips.
He walks to me, leads me into the kitchen by the arm. He turns, his body tense, his eyes hard. “What happened?” he asks.
I tell him the whole story. I tell him about Mark knocking on the front door, about staying quiet, and about him coming in through the back.
“Shit,” Erik says. “I did that. I left it unlocked.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“I should’ve.” He clenches his jaw. “What next?”
“He chased me upstairs. I got into your room, locked the door, and texted you. He was talking to me when you showed up.”
Erik nods. “Shit. That motherfucker. Goddamn it.” He paces around, so angry I’m almost afraid of him. The last man I’d seen get that angry was Mark, over a year ago now, and that was right before he punched me in the eye.
But Erik doesn’t hit me. Instead, he sits at the table and takes a deep breath. “You did the right thing.”
“What?” I sit down across from him.
“You did the right thing,” he repeats. “Running upstairs, texting me. That was good.”
“I’m so sorry. I brought this into your house. It’s all my fault.”
He nods a little. “You did bring it. But I said you could stay here. That’s on me.”
“Erik—”
“No, listen to me. This isn’t your fault. That guy… he’s a psychopath. He’s dangerous, Kim. If you go somewhere else, if you leave here, who knows what’ll happen. I’m afraid you’ll end up dead.”
I shiver. “You think it would come to that?”
“I don’t know what he’s capable of.”