by Hamel, B. B.
“Erik,” I moan. “Oh, god, I’m so close.”
“I want to feel you come,” he whispers. “I want to hear it. And when we’re done, I want to taste it. Do you understand me, Kim? I want to fuck you deep and rough, take you and give you everything you need. All you need to do is give me everything in return.”
“Please,” I gasp. “Don’t stop.”
“Dirty girl. Go ahead. Come on my big cock, girl. Go ahead, come for me.”
I push back as he fucks me and fucks me, fingers rubbing my clit, and I know I have to do what he says.
It moves up from inside me, making my back arch, my fingers grasp harder against the tree. I come, moaning loud, saying his name, or at least I think I am. I can’t really tell what I’m doing, the pleasure’s too intense, too good. I come hard and he spanks my ass during it, sending my pleasure into another stratosphere.
“Oh, god,” I moan, slowly coming back down. He growls and doesn’t stop. I feel him pump faster and faster inside my pussy, fucking me rough, fucking me deep, taking what he needs.
“Come for me,” I beg him. “Fill me up.”
He groans, as if those were the words he was waiting for. I feel him stiffen, I feel him fill me up. He comes deep inside my pussy and I take every drop, wanting it all inside of me, needing him there close against me.
“Shit,” he groans. I turn around and kiss him. He holds me tight, kissing me back, our bodies half naked in the breeze, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the woods.
“Shit’s right,” I say, grinning like a moron.
He laughs and holds me. A few feet away are the guns we brought out here.
I’d forgotten all about them.
“You should take me shooting more often,” I say. “I mean, if we’re going to do that.”
“Yeah? I think I’d rather just fuck you at home.”
I laugh. “That works for me.”
He smiles and kisses me softly, hand running gently across my cheek. He looks into my eyes and I look back as he holds me against him.
“We should go home,” he says, his voice soft.
“Yeah. We should.”
“The house is empty. Annie won’t be home for a little while more.”
“We could always stay here and shoot some more.” I grin at him.
He rolls his eyes. “Fuck that. Come on. I need to get you home.”
“Okay. Whatever you want.”
He kisses me. “My favorite words.”
I laugh and we gather our things. When it’s all together, we head out, holding hands this time.
I don’t know what this means. I don’t know what any of it’s leading to.
All I know is I feel safe with him. I feel safe and I hate myself for feeling it. I don’t know what to do, where to go. But he makes me feel good.
He makes me feel so good.
I can’t give that up. Maybe I’m selfish and awful, but I can’t give it up.
I need to keep taking what he can give me.
12
Erik
I lift Annie up into her little booster seat and put breakfast down in front of her.
“Pa-ancake,” she says in her little chipmunk voice.
“That’s right, sweetie.” I put a plastic fork down. The pancake’s already cut into little toddler-sized pieces and I pour just a little bit of syrup over top. “Go ahead.”
She ignores the fork and goes to town. I smile and lean against the counter, drinking some coffee, just watching my little girl eat her breakfast.
My eyes glance over toward the hallway. Kim’s not up yet but there’s no rush for her to come down. She doesn’t need to do anything today, as far as I know. It’s her day off from the diner. She deserves to sleep in late.
But ever since she told me about Balancogen, I’ve done a little research.
There’s not a whole lot online. Just a few sparse references and a really concise Wikipedia entry. They have a Facebook, but it’s mostly just organic recipes and pictures of their farm.
As far as I can tell, Balancogen has a very basic idea. The natural world has a set order, one that makes sense and works. Anything outside of that set order is an inherent harm to the world. They believe in natural law, in the natural order of things. How that actually plays out in the real world, I have no freaking clue. Wikipedia didn’t go into detail.
But it’s strange. Kim doesn’t seem like the hippie type. She keeps to herself mostly, reads a lot, watches TV whenever it’s on. She doesn’t want organic food, doesn’t eat vegetarian. She seems like a normal girl, really.
I wonder though. Maybe she’s trying to be normal.
It doesn’t matter. If it makes her happy, she should do it. If she wants to be vegetarian and work on a farm, she should.
The only thing she shouldn’t do is go back to those people.
“Daddy?”
I look over and smile. Annie’s watching me with her big eyes. “Yeah, sweetie?”
“Mommy?” She cocks her head.
I blink a little. She hasn’t asked for her mother in… well, ever. I don’t think she really remembers Stacey, and if she does, she was too young to really understand.
“Mommy is gone, sweetie.” I walk over, my body suddenly stiff, my heart racing. “You know that, right?”
She looks confused. “Mommy sleep.”
“Yeah, honey. Mommy’s sleeping but she won’t ever wake up.”
“No,” she says. “No, no, no, no, mommy come.”
“Sweetie.” I push back tears. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t know why she’s bringing this up right now.
“Mommy!”
I look over my shoulder. Kim’s standing in the entrance to the kitchen, surprise on her face.
“Good morning,” she says.
It takes me a long moment to realize what just happened.
“Annie,” I say. “Kim isn’t your mommy.”
Kim just stands there when Annie laughs.
“Kim Mommy.”
“No,” I say, trying not to let the anger creep into my voice. “Do you hear me? Kim is not your mommy.”
Annie looks confused. “Daddy,” she says. “Mommy, Daddy. Pa-ancakes.”
I clench my jaw. “Kim isn’t your mommy, sweetie. Finish your pancakes.”
I turn away. I don’t want her to see how upset I am.
But Kim can see it.
“Erik,” she says. “Sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t tell her…”
“I know,” I say. “Can you watch her for a second? I’ll be right back.”
I leave the kitchen before she can answer. I go upstairs, walking fast. I close my bedroom door and lean up against it, trying to stay calm, my heart beating so fast in my chest I feel like I might pass out.
That’s what I was afraid of. That right there is exactly what I was afraid of. I don’t want Annie to get attached to Kim. I don’t plan on having Kim around here forever, even if I like having Kim around here now. I don’t think she’ll stay around, and I can’t risk Annie getting attached.
Fucking hell. That’s exactly what I was worried about.
I take a shower, trying to calm down, and I feel better by the time I get out. I get changed into clean clothes and head downstairs. I find Kim and Annie in the living room. Kim’s reading Annie a book and they both look up as I enter.
“Hey,” I say. “Sorry about earlier.”
“It’s okay.” Kim motions for me. “Come here a second.”
I walk over and crouch down. They’re reading a book about a family of cats.
“Annie, who is this?” Kim points to the mom cat.
“Mommy,” Annie says.
“Good girl. And who is this?” Kim points to the daughter cat.
“Mommy.”
Annie grins at me. “See?”
I shake my head. “I don’t get what you’re going for.”
“Annie, what are you?”
“Mommy.”
I frown a little bit. “Ann
ie, you’re a little girl.”
“Mommy,” Annie says.
Kim picks up another book. “Here, look at this.” She opens it up to a random page. It’s a book about the wheels on the bus song. She points to a random woman on the bus. “Who’s that, Annie?”
“Mommy,” Annie says.
Understanding dawns on me. It washes over me like a wave. “Oh, god,” I say.
“She thinks all girls are called mommy,” Kim says, laughing. “Annie, you know that not all girls are mommy?”
“Okay,” she says, grabbing the book from Kim’s hands and paging through it.
Kim gets up and I straighten. She looks at me with a little smile.
“Sorry,” she says. “I just figured it out. She was doing it last night but I didn’t understand until today.”
“I thought she was…”
“I know.” She puts a hand on mine. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” We step away from Annie, linger in the hallway. “I shouldn’t have gotten upset.”
“You want to protect your daughter. I get it.”
“I don’t want her getting attached to you.” I stare into Kim’s eyes and it hurts to say the words out loud.
She glances away. “I know.”
“Truth is, I don’t want to get attached to you either. I don’t know when you’re going to decide to—”
“What, go back to them?” She turns to me, anger in her eyes.
“No, that’s not what I meant.”
“You were thinking it.”
“No, really.”
“I’m not going back, Erik.” She steps away from me, turns her back, crosses her arms over her chest. “I mean it. I’m not going back, no matter what.”
“You don’t have to. I mean, I don’t know when you’ll want to move on from here.”
She doesn’t say anything. I can tell she’s upset, but Annie’s watching. I’m torn between comforting her and making Annie think something more is going on here.
“I know,” Kim says softly. “I get it. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t get upset.”
“It’s okay. This is all…”
“Crazy?”
“Pretty much.”
She forces a little smile. “But we’re trying.”
“Yeah, we’re trying.”
She wipes her eyes. “Hey, look. I have the day off. How about I watch Annie while you do… whatever you want?”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Honestly, it’s no big deal. I know she’s not in daycare today, so.”
“Kim, really. You don’t need to earn your time here. Plus, you’re still renting the house back there.”
She laughs at that. “Okay, true. Still, take a break.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. Annie and I’ve got a good thing going. We’ll be fine.”
I stretch a little. “I could use a few hours in that kitchen. Might be able to get it pretty close to finished.”
“I think we’d all appreciate that.”
I laugh and nod. I lean closer to her, want to kiss her, but stop myself.
“All right then. Thanks, Kim.”
“Sure. Go ahead, go do what you want.”
I nod and walk off. I find my tools and get myself set up. Just before I get to work, I can hear laughter from the living room. Annie’s high-pitched giggle mixes with Kim’s sweet, light voice.
I know I shouldn’t like this. I know I shouldn’t let myself get attached. I shouldn’t let Kim watch Annie, shouldn’t let Annie get attached.
But it feels good. It feels right.
We’ll worry about what comes next later. One step at a time for now.
13
Kim
Erik goes out for some supplies later that afternoon.
“I’ll be fine,” I say. “Annie’s down for a nap now anyway. Go ahead.”
“Okay. Remember, don’t open the door. And the gun—”
“I know where the gun is.”
“On top of the refrigerator, up in the cabinet.”
“I know. Go on, go ahead.”
He hesitates but turns and heads out the front door. I smile and watch him go before turning away.
This morning, I thought he was going to kick me out. I could practically feel it in my chest. I mean, if I were him, I would’ve thrown me out. If Annie started to call me mommy, I think I’d make myself leave, even if he didn’t make me.
I don’t want to hurt that little girl any more than he doesn’t want me to hurt her. If just being around is causing her some pain, well…
I’ll have to go.
I just hope it doesn’t come to that.
Things are good here. I like living with them. I like watching Annie, I like making her laugh.
And I like her father. I like the way he looks at me, touches me. I like the way he makes me feel, makes my body feel. It’s a lightness, a tingle, a joy. I haven’t felt that in a long time, maybe ever.
He’s right though. I don’t know what I’m doing long-term. I don’t know where I’m going or what I want. The idea of thinking past a week or so is totally foreign to me.
Before all this, I was living on the commune. My days were structured for me. I’d get up and do whatever I was told to do, and in a lot of ways that’s really comfortable and easy. I could fall into the rhythm of my days, working on the farm or cleaning floors or cooking food or watching children.
I didn’t have to think. At least until I decided to run, then everything was just survival. The next morning, the next hour. There was nothing more than getting away as fast as I could.
Now, in this house, I’m settling. And I have to figure out what I am beyond just a runaway cult girl.
It’s scary. And Erik’s right to be scared of it. I don’t know where I’ll end up any more than he does.
As I busy myself in the kitchen doing dishes and ignoring all the dust Erik kicked up with his work, I hear a knock at the door. I hesitate a second, but I don’t think much of it. I go and open the door, still lost in my own thoughts.
I stop dead in my tracks.
“Hi, Kim.” Kerry smiles at me, her big bushy red hair frizzy in the sunlight. She’s around forty, slim and tanned from working in the sun. She’s wearing a white shirt and simple jeans. “How are you?”
She’s standing next to Melanie, who just smiles at me. She’s a couple years older than I am with black hair pulled back in a tight bun. Her eyes are dark but she’s still pale, despite how much time she spends in the garden. She usually wears a big floppy hat to protect herself from sunburn, but today she’s just in a simple white dress and black tights.
“Kerry,” I manage. “Mel.”
“How are you?” Mel asks and gives me one of her little lopsided smiles.
“I’m… okay. I’m good.”
“We aren’t here to drag you back,” Kerry says. “Honestly.”
“But he sent you.”
Mel just shrugs a little bit. “Yeah. Of course he did. You know we couldn’t come here unless he sends us.”
“That doesn’t mean we’re just doing whatever he wants,” Kerry says. “You know that, too.”
I shake my head. “I’m not going back. I can’t.”
“I know, honey,” Kerry says softly. “But why don’t we talk?”
“I can’t.”
“Come on,” Mel says. “We’re friends.”
I look at her for a long moment. We were friends, she’s right. We used to sit out late at night and talk about our lives, about Balancogen, about what we wanted from the world.
All that changed though.
“Not anymore,” I say.
Mel’s smile fades.
“Let’s just talk,” Kerry says. “Before you start saying things you don’t mean.”
I hesitate. I’ve known Kerry most of my life. She’s always been kind and fair. Of all the women at the commune, she’s one that I’d trust. Even if she’s a believer, I don’t think she’s a fanatic.
I don’t think she’d hurt me just to bring me back.
But Mel would.
“We can’t talk long,” I say. “Erik will be back soon.”
“Is that your new Mark?” Mel asks casually as they step inside.
“No,” I say. “He’s my landlord. He’s letting me stay here until you all leave me alone.”
Kerry laughs like I’m making some kind of joke but I’m not smiling. I lead them into the living room and they sit on the couch. I sit on the chair and lean toward them.
“Okay. You’re here. What do you want to say?” I ask.
“First of all, we miss you.” Kerry leans toward me, her head cocked slightly. Her bushy, curly red hair flops to the side. “Really, honey, we do.”
“I’m sure you do. Must be hard with fewer hands to help.”
She just smiles. “It’s not about that. We get the chores done no matter what, you know that. I saw Mark wash a dish after you left.”
“I don’t believe you,” I say, smiling a little.
“It’s true,” Mel says. “He got all weird about you running and pitched in with the chores. He was a pain in the ass, though.”
I laugh with them. God, it feels good to laugh with them again. We used to talk like this all the time, making small jokes about Mark, although never saying anything that remotely got to where we needed to go.
We never criticized him, not really. We never pointed out his flaws. We never talked about how he’d bring a new girl into his bed at night, use her however he wanted…
We never talked about it. They never brought it up.
Nobody would laugh about that.
“The garden’s looking good,” Mel says. “At least the last time I saw it.”
“How long have you two been here?” I ask.
“A few days,” Kerry says. “Not too long.” She shifts again, moving closer to me. “Your mom’s worried, you know.”
“I know,” I say.
“Why don’t you come talk to her? Just talk to her. She might be able to understand, and maybe she can make you understand, too, and we can all—”
“I’m not coming back,” I say, interrupting her. “It doesn’t matter what my mom says.”