by Hamel, B. B.
He fucks me harder. “I love taking your tight little pussy, Kim,” he groans. He spanks my ass hard. “I love hearing you moan my name. Ever since you came into my life, I’ve needed to hear that fucking moan.”
He rips into me. He fucks me hard, without thought, without anything but his cock and my pussy. I’m dripping wet, rolling down his shaft. I moan and beg his name. I can feel it building inside of me, building and growing and he’s not stopping.
I’m taken by him, taken and fucked and I love it. I kiss him over my shoulder then push back against the tree. I push back against him, riding down his cock, down his shaft. I slide my body harder, faster, taking every inch of him deep inside of me. I beg him to keep going, moaning his name, begging and pleading for him to fuck me.
He gives me what I want. My body goes stiff with pleasure as my back arches. I feel it overtake me, roll over my body, the orgasm ripping through me like lighting, like pleasure. It’s heaven, a glowing intensity that builds through my core and makes every muscle in my body twitch and tense.
His growl only makes it better. His cum only makes it so much more intense. He fills me up as I finish, his orgasm intense and hot between my legs. He fills me to the brim and when he’s done, I turn around and throw myself at him.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses me slow and deep. He leans me back against the tree and I laugh a little bit, still dizzy and glowing with pleasure.
“What do you think?” he whispers in my ear.
“Good orgasm.”
He laughs. “No, I mean, do you think we got caught?”
“Oh. Who cares?”
“I guess I don’t.”
He puts his pants back on after I do. We stand there for a while longer, kissing softly.
“Come on,” he says. “I still want to go for a walk, you know.”
“I thought you brought me out here just to have your way with me.”
“No, that was your plan. Not mine.” He laughs and holds my hand. I lean my head on his shoulder and we stumble back out toward the path.
There’s nobody around. We walk on. I can still feel him between my legs, a warm and happy feeling. I smile and breathe deeply, just smelling the fresh air.
“Do you ever miss it?” I ask him.
“Miss what?”
“Chicago. Being a cop.”
He’s quiet for a second. “Yeah. I do.”
“What about it do you miss?”
“I was a homicide detective,” he says.
I laugh. “Are you serious?”
“No shit. Like on The Wire?”
“Never saw it.”
“Oh, right. Did you watch TV at the commune?”
“Never. I actually never really watched TV until I moved here.”
“Wow.” He hugs me tight. “You’ve never seen The Wire. God, you have so much catching up to do.”
“That’s how it feels sometimes,” I say. “Like I’m catching up.”
Wind blows again, tossing my hair around. He smiles down at me. “When I was a cop, I didn’t have time for much. Didn’t see Stacey nearly as much as I should’ve. It’s never too late, you know? Until it is.”
“That’s kind of depressing.”
“I don’t know.” He takes a deep breath and smiles. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I think it just means we always have a chance to start over and maybe we’ll get it right.”
“Is that what you’re doing here?”
“I think so. Trying to start over. Trying to forget being a cop and a detective and all that crap.”
“I can’t even imagine. You were a murder cop.”
“Yeah, except when you say ‘murder cop’ it sounds like I went around killing bad guys.”
I giggle. “Isn’t that what you did?”
“Not exactly.” He hugs me close. “I don’t think I’ll go back to that, though. I’ve seen enough for one lifetime.”
“I haven’t seen anything,” I admit. “I mean, we watched one movie every year, a different one. I didn’t know movies were in color until I was a teenager.”
“Seriously?” He looks at me like I’m lying. “I mean, come on. How secluded were you?”
“We were pretty self-sufficient. We traded for some stuff but we mostly grew our own food and did everything on the commune. California is a big state and we were out in the middle of nowhere.”
“Still.” He looks around. “Even out here in the middle of the woods, with nobody in sight, we’re not alone. You know?”
“True,” I say. I can hear the rush of a brook nearby. “But out there, we really were.”
“How’d you get away then?” he asks.
“Stole money and a truck, even though I don’t really know how to drive. At least I knew where to go because I’d gone into town a few times to help sell some of the clay pots we made. And to pick out toilet paper.”
He laughed at that one. “Toilet paper?”
“Sure. One of the few things we didn’t make on site.”
“What about books? Did you have books?”
“Oh, yeah, lots of books. I read tons, all the time, but only books that Mark approved of.”
“I’m guessing those weren’t fun.”
“They definitely weren’t dirty romances. Which are a lot of fun.” I laugh a little bit, remembering the first romance I ever read, which was only a few weeks ago.
“Lucky you got out then.”
“Yeah. I really am.”
We walk for a little bit longer. He talks about the early days in Summersville with Annie, how he had to learn how to be a single dad, how to make money while raising a daughter full-time. I can only imagine how hard that was.
Finally though, we turn back. “Better head home,” he says. “Annie will be done at daycare soon.”
“I can get her if you want,” I offer.
He shakes his head. “Can’t do that. Besides, you don’t have a real driver’s license, do you?”
I hesitate. “No, I don’t.”
“Do you have a social security number?”
“I think so. I have a birth certificate. My mom didn’t turn into a commune person until after I was born.”
“That’s right.” He sighs. “We can get you a license. It’s not really hard.”
“That’d be amazing.”
“Okay.” He hugs me against him. “For now though, I’ll do the driving.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
We walk back and I keep smiling the whole way, all my problems forgotten, at least for a little bit.
16
Erik
I drop Annie off the next morning. Kim has a day shift at the diner, so after I get a half day in, I head home for the afternoon. I figure it’s a good time to get some stuff done around the house, and besides, money’s not too tight anymore. Not since Kim started paying rent on a house she’s not actually living in.
I work up a pretty good sweat and by the time four rolls around, the kitchen is pretty much done. I have some small details to work out, but the cabinets are in, the island is done, the appliances are finished, and it just needs some paint and some touchups here and there. I’m leaning back on the doorframe and admiring my handiwork when there’s a knock at the door.
My eyes flip up to the cabinet above the refrigerator where I keep the gun case.
I shake my head and walk over. There’s a woman standing on the porch, an older woman, probably in her fifties or early sixties. Her hair’s long, salt-and-pepper, pulled into a simple ponytail. Her clothes are simple, a gray top and white bottoms. She’s not wearing makeup, but she’s in good shape, though there are wrinkles around her eyes.
She looks somewhat familiar. I open the door. “Can I help you?”
“Hi,” she says. “My name is Carol London. I’m looking for Kim.”
I blink, surprised. “Oh,” I say.
She smiles. “I know you’ve had some trouble with a few of my friends.”
My eyes narrow a bit. “Just one.”
> “I’m sorry about him,” she says. “Honestly, he goes a little overboard sometimes.”
I rub the back of my head. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t… I don’t know if Kim wants to see you. She’s not here right now anyway.”
“I understand.” She frowns a little bit. “She’s okay, right? I just want to make sure she’s okay. I don’t need her to come back… not if she’s safe and happy. I just want to make sure she’s safe.”
I glance inside. Kim really isn’t home but this woman doesn’t seem like she’s crazy. When Kim’s talked about her mom, she hasn’t really had anything bad to say.
“Come in,” I say, stepping aside.
She smiles. “Thank you.”
I lead her into the kitchen. She sits at the table and looks at the tools. “Did you do all this?” she asks.
“Most of it. The house is pretty old and I’m slowly rebuilding it bit by bit. I suspect I’ll never be finished.”
She laughs and it reminds me so much of Kim, it’s almost spooky. “I understand. Old houses like this take a lot of work but they reward you if you’re patient.”
“You think so? It’s a beautiful house, but I’m not so sure it’s interested in rewarding anything.”
She laughs again. “I could be wrong. Truthfully, I haven’t been in a house like this in ages.”
“No?”
“Not since we joined the commune.” She hesitates a second. “I really am sorry about Mark. He’s doing it because he cares, if you can believe it.”
“I can’t.” I cross my arms. “Tea?”
“No, thank you.”
I sit down across from her. “Truth is, Kim doesn’t want that man around and I can’t blame her. She hasn’t gone into detail about what happened to make her run away, but I’ve picked up on some things on my own.”
“Kim had a hard time fitting in.”
“Could be it. Or it could be that the whole system’s a little skewed and broken.”
Carol smiles and spreads her hands. “Balancogen teaches that everything is imperfect and impermanent. We can only strive to fix it, sort of like this house.”
“Sounds like a hard life.”
“It is… I’m sorry. Did you say your name?”
“Erik.”
“Erik,” she repeats. “It is hard, Erik. Have you found life is a simple thing?”
“No,” I say. “I was a cop in Chicago. I learned how hard it can be firsthand. But your situation seems harder than most.”
“I don’t know. The commune had its perks.” She sighed a little bit. “This is my first time leaving it for an extended period since we went to live there.”
“Must be strange.”
“The world has changed, Erik. That’s okay, it always does.”
There’s a short pause. She smiles at me but I can see sadness in her eyes. I’m a good reader of people and I don’t see anything malicious in her, but I’m not so much worried about her.
“Listen,” I say. “Is there any way you could leave Kim alone? And get Mark to leave her alone as well?”
“I don’t know,” she admits. “I think I’d leave if Kim really wanted me to. If this is what she needs to be happy, I won’t force something on her. I hope we can stay in touch because she’s my daughter and I love her.”
“I think she’d like that.”
“But I can’t say Mark will listen to me. I can’t say he’ll respect it.”
“Why?” I ask, genuinely confused. “I just don’t understand. She doesn’t want to be there. Why would he care?”
“He feels like he has a claim on her. But more than that, he feels that Balancogen is the way we can save the world. Imagine if you believed your way of life could save everyone around you, really believed it deep inside. Wouldn’t you try to convince everyone if you could? Try to save as many as possible?”
I hesitate but nod. “I would.”
“That’s how Mark is. He believes Balancogen is necessary, and if he can keep Kim at the commune, he can save her from being corrupted.”
“Corrupted,” I say softly.
“That’s right. He’s a good man. He means well.”
I start to tell her just how good of a man Mark is when I hear the door. A shiver runs down my spine.
“Hello?” Kim’s voice.
Her mother stands. “Kim?”
She appears in the doorway and stops cold. She stares at her mother, her eyes wide. She’s wearing her waitress outfit and looks tired.
“I didn’t know you’d be home early,” I say softly.
“Skipped my lunch. Wanted to surprise you.” She’s holding a DVD of the first season of The Wire in her hand. I have no clue where the hell she found a DVD, but of course they’re still being sold in Summersville somewhere.
“Honey.” Her mom steps toward her. “Are you okay?”
“Why are you here? Why are you inside?” Kim looks at me, panic in her expression. “Did you let her in?”
“We were just talking,” her mom says. “Erik is a nice man. I think he really cares about you, Kim.”
“Mom.” It comes out strangled. “I can’t see you. I don’t want to see you.”
“I just wanted to see if you were okay. And to ask if you—”
“No.” Kim steps back. She drops the DVD. The case breaks open and the disc rolls across the floor. It runs into my foot and falls over, wobbling until it comes to a stop.
“Honey—”
“No,” Kim says again. “I know what you’re going to say. Don’t do it, Mom. Don’t say it.”
“You know the tenets, what they mean. If you can—”
Kim turns and runs.
“Kim,” I say, going after her. Carol stays in the kitchen. I pass her just as Kim throws open the front door and runs outside. “Kim!” I yell but she’s running as fast as she can.
Carol comes up behind me. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I didn’t mean to do this.”
I narrow my eyes. “What was that about the tenets? What the hell were you saying?”
“If you believed that you had the key to saving someone’s soul, wouldn’t you do anything you could to save them?” She smiles at me, sadness in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Erik. I wasn’t straightforward with you. But Balancogen is the way.”
“Get out.” I point to the door.
“I really do just want to talk to her. Please, tell her that. I won’t force her to come back.”
“But you’ll use all that cult bullshit to try to convince her, or at least to scare her.”
“I don’t want to scare her.”
“Get out, Carol.”
She nods, hangs her head, and leaves.
I shut the door behind her.
“Fuck,” I say, pacing into the kitchen.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t chase after Kim right now. I need to get Annie back from daycare soon.
But I don’t want to leave her running around town on her own. I sent her a text, but she doesn’t respond. I’m not even sure she took her phone with her.
Her mother could find her, or maybe Mark himself. Or she could just get lost or hurt or just keep running and never come back.
I can’t lose her like this. I’ll hate myself if she just goes away and never return.
“Fuck,” I say again.
Nothing I can do. I know it. I just have to wait and hope she comes back to me and doesn’t hate me.
I shouldn’t have been fooled. But I won’t be fooled again. Kim is my priority and I’m going to make sure she’s safe from here on out, no matter what happens, no matter what those bastards say.
17
Kim
I run and don’t look back.
A million things swirl through my mind. I know what my mother was going to say. The tenets of Balancogen are simple. They’re rules that guide our lives, put us on the path to salvation. It’s the way we use science and philosophy to save our immortal soul.
The first tenet is simple: Balancogen is the way. I kno
w she was going to say it. I know she was going to throw it in my face.
She believes. If there’s one thing I know about my mother, it’s that she truly believes in Balancogen and in Mark. She thinks that Balancogen is going to save the world, even if it’s just some dying cult out in the middle of the desert.
The last new members joined up three years ago. There hasn’t been a single new member in three years, despite trying to recruit. It’s so obvious that Balancogen is dying and nobody is interested in it, and yet that seemed to only make everyone way more intense about the whole thing.
I can’t face her. I can’t do it.
I’m so angry as I run but eventually my lungs start burning and my legs are tired. I find myself back at the diner. I sit on the back steps and stare at the ground where all the cigarette butts litter the blacktop. I stare down at my shoes, my mind whirling.
He let her in. That’s the biggest thing. He let her in without me there and talked to her behind my back. I can’t believe he’d do that. I think I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to talk about my past and I don’t want him talking to anyone else about it, either.
And yet that’s what he did. He invited the one person in the world that knows me better than anyone else and he was grilling her. Probably got all my dirty secrets.
Probably knows my most horrible, embarrassing truth.
“You okay?”
I look up to find Luanne looming in the back door. She’s leaning against it, cigarette between her lips.
I’m startled a little bit. “Shit.”
“Sorry. Thought you knew I was here.” She takes a drag.
“I’m off in my own little head right now.”
“I see that.” She blows it out. “Want to talk?”
“Not really.” I look at the ground. “Just parent stuff.”
She laughs. “God damn. Everyone’s got parent stuff. Even me, and my parents are both passed, God rest their souls.”
I smile at her. “Really?”
“Sure. Daddy never loved me enough, Mommy loved me too much. You know how it goes.”