by R. H. Newell
Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file wasproduced from images generously made available by TheInternet Archive)
THE ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.
NEW YORK:BLAKEMAN & MASON,21 MURRAY STREET.1862.
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1862, by BLAKEMAN &MASON, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the UnitedStates, for the Southern District of New York.
ELECTROTYPED BY SMITH & MCDOUGAL, 82 & 84 Beekman Street.
PRINTED BY C. S. WESTCOTT & CO., 79 John Street.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
LETTER I.
SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT CAME INTO THE WORLD: WITH SOMEPARTICULARS CONCERNING HIS EARLY CHILDHOOD 9
LETTER II.
SHOWING HOW THE WRITER INCREASED IN YEARS AND INDISCRETION, ANDHOW HE WAS SAVED FROM MATRIMONY BY THE LAMENTABLE EXAMPLE OFJED SMITH 14
LETTER III.
OUR CORRESPONDENT BECOMES LITERARY, AND FATHOMS CERTAIN MYSTERIESOF JOURNALISM. HE PRODUCES A DISTINCTIVE AMERICAN POEM, AND GAINSTHE USUAL REWARD OF YOUTHFUL GENIUS 22
LETTER IV.
DESCRIBING THE SOUTH IN TWELVE LINES, DEFINING THE CITIZEN'S FIRSTDUTY, AND RECITING A PARODY 31
LETTER V.
CONCERNING THE GREAT CROWD AT THE CAPITAL, OWING TO THE VASTINFLUX OF TROOPS, AND TOUCHING UPON FIRE-ZOUAVE PECULIARITIESAND OTHER MATTERS 37
LETTER VI.
INTRODUCING THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, DILATING ON HAVELOCKS AS FIRSTMADE BY THE WOMEN OF AMERICA, ILLUSTRATING THE STRENGTH OF HABITAND WEAKNESS OF "SHODDY," AND SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENTINDULGED IN A HUGE CANARD, AFTER THE MANNER OF AN ENLIGHTENEDDAILY PRESS 42
LETTER VII.
RECORDING THE FIRST SANGUINARY EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE,AND ITS VICTORIOUS ISSUE 50
LETTER VIII.
THE REJECTED "NATIONAL HYMNS" 54
LETTER IX.
IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT TEMPORARILY DIGRESSES FROM WAR MATTERSTO ROMANTIC LITERATURE, AND INTRODUCES A WOMAN'S NOVEL 68
LETTER X.
MAKING CONSERVATIVE MENTION OF THE BATTLE OF BULL RUN AND ITSEVENTS. THE FIRE-ZOUAVE'S VERSION OF THE AFFAIR, AND SO ON 74
LETTER XI.
GIVING AN EFFECT OF THE NEW BUGLE DRILL IN THE MACKEREL BRIGADE,AND MAKING SOME NOTE OF THE LATEST IMPROVEMENTS IN ARTILLERY,ETC. 82
LETTER XII.
GIVING AN ABSTRACT OF A GREAT ORATOR'S FLAGGING SPEECH, ANDRECORDING A DEATHLESS EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE 88
LETTER XIII.
SUBMITTING VARIOUS RUMORS CONCERNING THE CONDITION OF THINGS ATTHE SOUTH, WITH A SKETCH OF A LIGHT SKELETON REGIMENT AND A NOTEOF VILLIAM BROWN'S RECRUITING EXPLOIT 94
LETTER XIV.
SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT MADE A SPEECH OF VAGUE CONTINUITY,AFTER THE MODEL OF THE LATEST APPROVED STUMP ORATORY 99
LETTER XV.
WHEREIN WILL BE FOUND THE PARTICULARS OF A VISIT TO A SUSPECTEDNEWSPAPER OFFICE, AND SO ON 105
LETTER XVI.
INTRODUCING THE GOTHIC STEED, PEGASUS, AND THE REMARKABLE GERMANCAVALRY FROM THE WEST 109
LETTER XVII.
NOTING A NEW VICTORY OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE IN VIRGINIA, ANDILLUSTRATING THE PECULIAR THEOLOGY OF VILLIAM BROWN; WITH SOMEMENTION OF THE SHARPSHOOTERS 114
LETTER XVIII.
DESCRIBING THE TERRIBLE DEATH AND MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF ACONFEDERATE PICKET, WITH A TRIBUTE TO HIS MEMORY 120
LETTER XIX.
NOTICING THE ARRIVAL OF A SOLID BOSTON MAN WITH AN UNPRECEDENTEDLITERARY PRIZE, AND SHOWING HOW VILLIAM BROWN WAS TRIUMPHANTLYPROMOTED 124
LETTER XX.
CONCERNING A SIGNIFICANT BRITISH OUTRAGE, AND THE CAPTURE OF MASONAND SLIDELL 181
LETTER XXI.
DESCRIBING CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN'S GREAT EXPEDITION TO ACCOMAC,AND ITS MARVELLOUS SUCCESS 186
LETTER XXII.
TREATING OF VILLIAM'S OCCUPATION OF ACCOMAC, AND HIS WISE DECISIONIN A CONTRABAND CASE 144
LETTER XXIII.
CONCERNING BRITISH NEUTRALITY AND ITS COSMOPOLITAN EFFECTS, WITHSOME ACCOUNT OF HOW CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY LOST HIS COMPANY 149
LETTER XXIV.
NARRATING THE MACKEREL BRIGADE'S MANNER OF CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS,AND NOTING A DEADLY AFFAIR OF HONOR BETWEEN TWO WELL-KNOWNOFFICERS 158
LETTER XXV.
PRESENTING THE CHAPLAIN'S NEW YEAR POEM, AND REPORTING THESINGULAR CONDUCT OF THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ONTHE DAY HE CELEBRATED 164
LETTER XXVI.
GIVING THE PARTICULARS OF A FALSE ALARM, AND A BIOGRAPHICALSKETCH OF THE OFFICER COMMANDING 173
LETTER XXVII.
TOUCHING INCIDENTALLY UPON THE CHARACTER OF ARMY FOOD, ANDCELEBRATING THE GREAT DIPLOMATIC EXPLOIT OF CAPTAIN VILLIAMBROWN AT ACCOMAC 177
LETTER XXVIII.
CONCERNING THE CONTINUED INACTIVITY OF THE POTOMAC ARMY, ANDSHOWING HOW IT WAS POETICALLY CONSTRUED BY A THOUGHTFUL RADICAL 184
LETTER XXIX.
INTRODUCING A VERITABLE "MUDSILL," ILLUSTRATING YANKEE BUSINESSTACT, NOTING THE DETENTION OF A NEWSPAPER CHARTOGRAPHIST,AND SO ON 190
LETTER XXX.
DESCRIPTION OF THE GORGEOUS FETE AT THE WHITE HOUSE, INCLUDINGTHE OBSERVATIONS OF CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN: WITH SOME NOTES OFTHE TOILETTES, CONFECTIONS, AND PUNCH 196
LETTER XXXI.
TREATING OF THE GREAT MILITARY ANACONDA, AND THE MODERN XANTIPPE 203
LETTER XXXII.
COMMENCING WITH A BURST OF EXULTATION OVER NATIONAL VICTORIES,REFERRING TO A SENATORIAL MISTAKE, DEPICTING A WELL-KNOWN CHARACTER,AND REPORTING THE RECONNOISSANCE OF THE WESTERN CENTAURS 209
LETTER XXXIII.
EXEMPLIFYING THE TERRIBLE DOMESTIC EFFECTS OF MILITARY INACTIVITYON THE POTOMAC, AND DESCRIBING THE METAPHYSICAL CAPTURE OFFORT MUGGINS 219
LETTER XXXIV.
BEGINNING WITH A LAMENTATION, BUT CHANGING MATERIALLY IN TONE ATTHE DICTUM OF JED SMITH 228
LETTER XXXV.
GIVING PRACTICAL ILLUSTRATION OF MODERN PATRIOTISM, AND CELEBRATINGTHE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE TO MANASSAS, ETC. 239
LETTER XXXVI.
CONCERNING THE WEAKNESSES OF GREAT MEN, THE CURIOUS MISTAKE OF AFRATERNAL MACKEREL, AND THE REMARKABLE ALLITERATIVE PERFORMANCEOF CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN 248
LETTER XXXVII.
DESCRIBING THE REMARKABLE STRATEGICAL MOVEMENT OF THE CONICSECTION, UNDER CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY 254
LETTER XXXVIII.
INTRODUCING THE VERITABLE "HYMN OF THE CONTRABANDS," WITHEMANCIPATION M
USIC, AND DESCRIBING THE TERRIFIC COMBAT A LAMAIN BETWEEN CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, OF THE UNITED STATES OFAMERICA, AND CAPTAIN MUNCHAUSEN, OF THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY 260
LETTER XXXIX.
SHOWING HOW A REBEL WAS REDUCED, AND CONVERTED TO "RECONSTRUCTION,"BY THE VALOROUS ORANGE COUNTY HOWITZERS 270
LETTER XL.
RENDERING TRIBUTE OF ADMIRATION TO THE WOMEN OF AMERICA, WITH AREMINISCENCE OF HOBBS & DOBBS, ETC. 276
LETTER XLI.
CITING A NOTABLE CASE OF VOLUNTEER SURGERY, AND GIVING AN OUTLINESKETCH OF "COTTON SEMINARY" 288
LETTER XLII.
REVEALING A NEW BLOCKADING IDEA, INTRODUCING A GEOMETRICAL STEED,AND NARRATING THE WONDERFUL EXPLOITS OF THE MACKEREL SHARPSHOOTERAT YORKTOWN 289
LETTER XLIII.
CONCERNING MARTIAL LITERATURE; INTRODUCING A DIDACTIC POEM BYTHE "ARKANSAW TRACT SOCIETY," AND A BIOGRAPHY OF GARIBALDIFOR THE SOLDIER 294
LETTER XLIV.
SHOWING HOW THE GREAT BATTLE OF PARIS WAS FOUGHT AND WON BY THEMACKEREL BRIGADE, AIDED AND ABETTED BY THE IRON-PLATED FLEETOF COMMODORE HEAD 306
LETTER XLV.
EXEMPLIFYING THE INCONSISTENCY OF THE CONSERVATIVE ELEMENT, ANDSETTING FORTH THE MEASURES ADOPTED BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN INHIS MILITARY GOVERNMENT OF PARIS 314
LETTER XLVI.
WHEREIN IS SHOWN HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADEFOLLOWED AN ILLUSTRIOUS EXAMPLE, AND VETOED A PROCLAMATION.ALSO RECORDING A MILITARY EXPERIMENT WITH RELIABLE CONTRABANDS 322
LETTER XLVII.
INTRODUCING A POEM BASED UPON AN IDEA THAT IS IN VIOLET--A POEMFOR WHICH ONE OF THE WOMEN OF AMERICA IS SOLELY RESPONSIBLE 329
LETTER XLVIII.
TREATING CHIEFLY OF A TERRIBLE PANIC WHICH BROKE OUT IN PARIS,BUT SUBSEQUENTLY PROVED TO BE ONLY A NATURAL EFFECT OF STRATEGY 333
LETTER XLIX.
NOTING THE ARCHITECTURAL EFFECTS OF THE GOTHIC STEED, PEGASUS,AND DESCRIBING THE MACKEREL BRIGADE'S SANGUINARY ENGAGEMENT WITHTHE RICHMOND REBELS 340
LETTER L.
REMARKING UPON A PECULIARITY OF VIRGINIA, AND DESCRIBING COMMODOREHEAD'S GREAT NAVAL EXPLOIT ON DUCK LAKE, ETC. 351
LETTER LI.
GIVING DUE PROMINENCE ONCE MORE TO THE CONSERVATIVE ELEMENT, NOTINGA CAT-AND-DOG AFFAIR, AND REPORTING CAPTAIN BOB SHORTY'S FORAGINGEXPEDITION 361
LETTER LII.
DESCRIBING AMONG OTHER THINGS, A SPECIALITY OF CONGRESS, A VENERABLEPOPULAR IDOL, AND THE DIFFICULTIES EXPERIENCED BY CAPTAIN SAMYULESA-MITH IN DYING 374
LETTER I.
SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT CAME INTO THE WORLD: WITH SOMEPARTICULARS CONCERNING HIS EARLY CHILDHOOD.
WASHINGTON, D.C., March 20th, 1861.
Judge not by appearances, my boy; for appearances are very deceptive,as the old lady cholerically remarked when one, who was really a virginon to forty, blushingly informed her that she was "just twenty-fivethis month."
Though you find me in Washington now, I was born of respectableparents, and gave every indication, in my satchel and apron days, ofcoming to something better than this,--much better, my boy.
Slightly northward of the Connecticut river, where a pleasant littleconservative village mediates between two opposition hills, you maybehold the landscape on which my infantile New England eyes firsttraced the courses of future railroads.
Near the centre of this village in the valley, my boy, and a littleback from its principal road, stood the residence of my worthysire--and a very pretty residence it was. From the frequent addition ofa new upper-room here, a new dormer window there, and an innovatingskylight elsewhere, the roof of the mansion had gradually assumed anAlpine variety of juts and peaks somewhat confusing to behold. Localtradition related that, on a certain showery occasion, a streak oflightning was seen to descend upon that roof, skip vaguely about fromone peak to another, and finally slink ignominiously down thewater-pipe, as though utterly disgusted with its own inability todetermine, where there are so many, which peak it should particularlyperforate.
Years afterwards, my boy, this strange tale was told me by a venerablechap of the village, and I might have believed it, had he not outragedthe probability of the meteorological narrative with a sequel.
"And when that streak came down the pipe," says the aged chap,thoughtfully, "it struck a man who was leaning against the house, randown to his feet, and went into the ground without hurting him a mite!"
With the natural ingenuousness of childhood I closed one eye, my boy,and says I:
"Do you mean to tell me, old man, that he was struck by lightning, andyet wasn't hurt?"
"Yes," says the venerable chap, abstractedly cutting a small log fromthe door-frame of the grocery store with his jack-knife; "the streakpassed off from him, because he was a conductor."
"A conductor?" says I, picking up another stone to throw at the samedog.
"Yes," says the chap confidentially, "he was a conductor--on arailroad."
The human mind, my boy, when long affected by country air, tendsnaturally to the marvellous, and affiliates with the German in normaltranscendentalism.
Such was the house in which I came to life a certain number of yearsago, entering the world, like a human exclamation point, between two ofthe angriest sentences of a September storm, and adding materially tothe uproar prevailing at the time.
Next to my parents, of whom I shall say little at present, the person Ican best remember, as I look back, was our family physician. A veryobese man was he, my boy, with certain sweet-oiliness of manner, andnever out of patients. I think I can see him still, as he arose fromhis chair after a profound study of the case before him, and wrote aprescription so circumlocutory in its effect, that it sent a servanthalf a mile to his friend, the druggist, for articles she might havefound in her own kitchen, _aqua pumpaginis_ and sugar being the soleingredients required.
The doctor had started business in our village as a veterinary surgeon,my boy; but, as the entire extent of his practice for six months inthat line was a call to mend one of Colt's revolvers, he finally turnedhis attention to the ailings of his fellows, and wrought many cureswith sugar and water Latinized.
At first, my father did not patronize the new doctor, having verylittle faith in the efficacy of sugar and water without the addition ofa certain other composite often seen in bottles; but the doctor's neatspeech at a Sunday school festival won his heart at last. The festivalwas held near a series of small waterfalls just out of the village, myboy, and the doctor, who was an invited guest, was called upon for afew appropriate remarks. In compliance with the demand he made a speechof some compass, ending with a peroration that is still quoted in mynative place. He pointed impressively to the waterfalls, and says he:
"All the works of nature is somewhat beautiful, with a good moral. Eventhem cataracts," says he, sagely, "have a moral, and seem eternallywhispering to the young, that 'Those what err falls'."
The effect of this happy illustration was very pleasing, my boy;especially with those who prefer morality to grammar; and after that,the physician had the run of all the pious families--our own included.
It was a handsome compliment this worthy man paid me when I was aboutsix months old.
Having just received from my father the amount of his last bill, he wascomplacent to the last degree, and felt inclined to do the handsomething. He patted my head as I sat upon my mother's lap, and says he:
"How beautiful is babes! So small, and yet so much like human beings,only not so large. This boy," says he, fatly, looking down at me, "willmake a noise in the world yet. He has a long head, a very long head."
"Do you think so?" says my
father.
"Indeed I do," says the doctor. "The little fellow," says he, in asudden fit of abstraction, "has a long head, a very long head--and it'sas thick as it is long."
There was some coolness between the doctor and my father after that, myboy: and, on the following Sunday, my mother refused to look at hiswife's new bonnet in church.
I might cover many pages with further account of childhood's sunnyhours; but enough has been given already to establish therespectability of my birth, despite my present location; and there Ilet the matter rest, my boy, for the time being.
Yours, retrospectively,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER II.
SHOWING HOW THE WRITER INCREASED IN YEARS AND INDISCRETION, AND HOW HEWAS SAVED FROM MATRIMONY BY THE LAMENTABLE EXAMPLE OF JED SMITH.
WASHINGTON, D.C., March 25th, 1861.
To continue from where I left off, my boy: between the interesting agesof ten and eighteen I went to school at the village academy, workingthrough the English branches and the Accidence, with a lively sense ofa preponderance of birch in the former, and occasional class-sicknessin the latter.
Those were my happiest days, my boy; and as I look back to them now,for a moment all my flippancy leaves me, and I forget that I am anAmerican and a politician. Those dear old days! those short, unrealdays! Only long in being long past.
It was just after the eternal _"Bonus--Bona--Bonum"_ of the master hadceased to ring in my ears, that I commenced to be a young man. I knewthat I was becoming a young man, my boy; for it was then that I beganto regard the unmarried women of America with sheepish bashfulness, andstumbled awkwardly as I entered my father's pew in church. Then it wasthat the sound of a young female giggle threw me into a coldperspiration, and a looking-glass deluded me into gesticulating insolitude before it, and extemporizing the speeches I was to make whencalled upon to justify the report of fame by admiring populaces.