CHAPTER TWENTY TWO.
IS VERY DIDACTIC, AND TREATS LEARNEDLY ON THE VARIOUS SENSES, AND "HUMANNATURE;" IS ALSO DIFFUSE ON THE BEST TRAINING TO PRODUCE A MORALPHILOSOPHER--INDEED, IT CONTAINS MATERIALS WITH WHICH TO BUILD UP ONESYSTEM, AND HALF-A-DOZEN THEORIES, AS THESE THINGS ARE NOW MADE.
I was rather curious, after the secret confided to me by Mary Stapleton,to see how her father would behave; but when we had sat and talked sometime, as he appeared to have no difficulty in answering to anyobservation in a common pitch of the voice, I observed to him that hewas not so deaf as I thought he was.
"No, no," replied he; "in the house I hear very well, but in the openair I can't hear at all, if a person speaks to me two yards off. Alwaysspeak to me close to my ear in the open air, but not loud, and then Ishall hear you very well." I caught a bright glance from Mary's blueeye, and made no answer. "This frost will hold, I'm afraid," continuedStapleton, "and we shall have nothing to do for some days but to blowour fingers and spend our earnings; but there's never much doing at thistime of the year. The winter cuts us watermen up terribly. As for me,I smokes my pipe and thinks on human natur'; but what you are to doJacob, I can't tell."
"Oh, he will teach me to read and write," replied Mary.
"I don't know that he shall," replied Stapleton. "What's the use ofreading and writing to you? We've too many senses already, in myopinion, and if so be we have learning to boot, why then all the worsefor us."
"How many senses are there, father?"
"How many! I'm sure I can't tell, but more than enough to puzzle us."
"There are only five, I believe," said I; "first, there's _hearing_."
"Well," replied Stapleton "hearing may be useful at times; but nothearing at times is much more convenient. I make twice as much moneysince I lost the better part of my hearing."
"Well, then, there's seeing," continued I.
"Seeing is useful at times, I acknowledge; but I knows this, that if aman could pull a young couple about the river, and not be able to seenow and then, it would be many a half-crown in his pocket."
"Well, then, now we come to _tasting_."
"No use at all--only a vexation. If there was no tasting we should notcare whether we ate brown bread or roast beef, drank water or XX ale;and in these hard times that would be no small saving."
"Well, then, let me see, there's _smelling_."
"Smelling's no use whatever. For one good smell by the river's sidethere be ten nasty ones; and there is everywhere, to my conviction."
"Which is the next, Jacob?" said Mary, smiling archly.
"_Feeling_."
"Feeling! that's the worst of the whole. Always feel too cold inwinter, too hot in summer--feel a blow too; feeling only gives pain;that's a very bad sense."
"Well, then, I suppose you think we should get on better without oursenses."
"No, not without all of them. A little hearing and a little seeing beall very well; but there are other senses which you have forgot, Jacob.Now, one I takes to be the very best of the bunch is _smoking_."
"I never heard that was a sense," replied I, laughing.
"Then you haven't half finished your education, Jacob."
"Are reading and writing _senses_, father?" inquired Mary.
"To be sure they be, girl; for without sense you can't read and write;and _rowing_ be a sense just as well; and there be many other senses;but, in my opinion, most of the senses be nonsense, and only lead tomischief."
"Jacob," said Mary, whispering to my ear, "isn't _loving_ a sense?"
"No, that's nonsense," replied I.
"Well, then," replied she, "I agree with my father that nonsense isbetter than sense; but still I don't see why I should not learn to readand write, father."
"I've lived all my life without it, and never felt the want of it--whycan't you?"
"Because I do feel the want of it."
"So you may, but they leads no no good. Look at those fellows at theFeathers; all were happy enough before Jim Holder, who is a scholar,came among them, and now since he reads to them they do nothing butgrumble, and growl, and talk about I don't know what--corn laws, andtaxes, and liberty, and all other nonsense. Now, what could you do morethan you do now, if you larnt to read and write?"
"I could amuse myself when I've nothing to do, father, when you andJacob are away. I often sit down, after I've done all my work, andthink what I shall do next, and at last I look out of the window andmake faces at people, because I've nothing better to do. Now, father,you must let him learn me to read and write."
"Well, Mary, if you will, you will; but recollect, don't blame me forit--it must be all on your own head, and not on my conscience. I'velived some forty or fifty years in this world, and all my bad luck hasbeen owing to having too much senses, and all my good luck to gettingrid of them."
"I wish you would tell me how that came to pass," said I; "I should liketo hear it very much, and it will be a lesson to Mary."
"Well, I don't care if I do, Jacob, only I must light my pipe first;and, Mary, do you go for a pot o' beer."
"Let Jacob go, father. I mean him to run on all my errands now."
"You mustn't order Jacob, Mary."
"No, no--I wouldn't think of ordering him, but I know he will do it--won't you, Jacob?"
"Yes, with pleasure," replied I.
"Well, with all my heart, provided it be all for love," said Stapleton.
"Of course, all for love," replied Mary, looking at me, "or Latin--which, Jacob?"
"What's Latin?" said her father.
"Oh! that's a new sense Jacob has been showing me something of, which,like many others, proved to be nonsense."
I went for the beer, and when I returned found the fire burningbrightly, and a strong _sense_ of smoking from old Stapleton's pipe. Hepuffed once or twice more, and then commenced his history as follows:
"I can't exactly say when I were born, nor where," said old Stapleton,taking his pipe out of his mouth, "because I never axed either father ormother, and they never told me, because why, I never did ax, and that beall agreeable to human natur'." Here Stapleton paused, and took threewhiffs of his pipe. "I recollects when I was a little brat about twofoot nothing, mother used to whack me all day long, and I used to cry inproportion. Father used to cry shame, and then mother would fly at him;he would whack she; she would up with her apron in one corner and cry,while I did the same with my pinbefore in another; all that was nothingbut human natur'." [A pause, and six or seven whiffs of the pipe.]
"I was sent to school at a penny a week, to keep me out of the way, andout of mischief. I larnt nothing but to sit still on the form and holdmy tongue, and so I used to amuse myself twiddling my thumbs, andlooking at the flies as they buzzed about the room in the summer time;and in the winter, cause there was no flies of no sort, I used to watchthe old missus a-knitting of stockings, and think how soon the timewould come when I should go home and have my supper, which, in a childwas nothing but human natur'." [Puff, puff, puff.] "Father and motherlived in a cellar; mother sold coals and 'tatoes, and father used to goout to work in the barges on the river. As soon as I was old enough,the schoolmissus sent word that I ought to learn to read and write, andthat she must be paid threepence a week; so father took me away fromschool, because he thought I had had education enough; and motherperched me on a basket upside down, and made me watch that nobody tookthe goods while she was busy down below; and then I used to sit all daylong watching the coals and 'tatoes, and never hardly speaking tonobody; so having nothing better to do, I used to think about this, andthat, and everything, and when dinner would be ready, and when I mightget off the basket; for you see _thinking_ be another of the senses, andwhen one has nothing to do, and nothing to say, to think be nothing morethan human natur'." [Puff, puff, and a pause for a drink out of thepot.] "At last, I grew a big stout boy, and mother said that I ate toomuch, and must earn my livelihood somehow or other, and father for onceagreed with her; but there was a little di
fficulty how that was to bedone; so until that was got over I did nothing at all but watch thecoals and 'tatoes as before. One day mother wouldn't give me witualsenough, so I helped myself; so she whacked me, so I, being strong,whacked she; so father, coming home, whacked me, so I takes to my heelsand runs away a good mile before I thought at all about how I was tolive; and there I was, very sore, very unhappy, and very hungry."[Puff, puff, puff, and a spit.] "I walks on, and on, and then I getsbehind a coach, and then the fellow whips me, and I gets down again in agreat hurry, and tumbles into the road, and before I could get up again,a gemman, in a gig drives right over me, and breaks my leg. I screamswith pain, which if I hadn't had the sense of _feeling_, of course Ishouldn't have minded. He pulls up and gets out, and tells me he's verysorry. I tells him so am I. His servant calls some people, and theytakes me into a public-house, and lays me on the table all among thepots of beer, sends for a doctor, who puts me into bed, and puts my legright again; and then I was provided for, for at least six weeks, duringwhich the gemman calls and axes how I feel myself; and I says, `Prettywell, I thanky.'" [Puff, puff--knock the ashes out, pipe refilled,relighted, a drink of beer, and go on.] "So when I was well, and on mypins again, the gentleman says, `What can I do for you?' and thelandlord cuts him short by saying that he wanted a pot-boy, if I likedthe profession. Now, if I didn't like the pots I did the porter, whichI had no share of at home, so I agrees. The gemman pays the score,gives me half a guinea, and tells me not to be lying in the middle ofthe road another time. I tells him I won't, so he jumps into his gig,and I never cast eyes upon him since. I stayed three years with mymaster, taking out beer to his customers, and always taking a little outof each pot for myself, for that's nothing but human natur' when youlikes a thing; but I never got into trouble until one day I sees mymissus a-kissing in the back parlour with a fellow who travels fororders. I never said nothing at first; but at last I sees too much, andthen I tells master, who gets into a rage, and goes into his wife, stayswith her half-an-hour, and then comes out and kicks me out of the door,calling me a liar, and telling me never to show my face again. I shiesa pot at his head, and showed him anything but my face, for I took to myheels, and ran for it as fast as I could. So much for seeing; if Ihadn't seen, that wouldn't have happened. So there I was adrift, andgood-bye to porter." [Puff, puff; "Mary, where's my 'baccy stopper?"Poke down, puff, puff, spit, and proceed.] "Well, I walks towardsLunnen, thinking on husbands and wives, porter and human natur', until Ifinds myself there, and then I looks at all the lighted lamps, andrecollects that I haven't no lodging for the night, and then all of asudden I thinks of my father and mother, and wonders how they be goingon. So I thought I'd go and see, and away I went, comes to the cellar,and goes down. There was my mother with a quartern of gin before her,walking to and fro, and whimpering to herself; so says I, `Mother,what's the matter now?' at which she jumps up and hugs me, and tells meI'm her only comfort left. I looked at the quartern and thinksotherwise; so down I sits by her side, and then she pours me out aglass, and pours out all her grief, telling me how my father had lefther for another woman, who kept another cellar in another street, andhow she was very unhappy, and how she had taken to gin--which wasnothing but human natur', you see, and how she meant to make away withherself; and then she sent for more quarterns, and we finished them.What with the joy of finding me, and the grief at losing my father, andthe quarterns of gin, she went to bed crying drunk and fell fast asleep.So did I, and thought home was home after all. Next morning I takes upthe business, and finds trade not so bad after all; so I takes thecommand of all, keeps all the money, and keeps mother in order; anddon't allow drinking nor disorderly conduct in the house; but goes tothe public-house every night for a pipe and a pot.
"Well, everything goes on very well for a month, when who should comehome but father, which I didn't approve of, because I liked beingmaster. So I, being a strong chap, then says, `If you be come toill-treat my mother, I'll put you in the kennel, father. Be off to yournew woman. Ar'n't you ashamed of yourself?' says I. So father looks mein the face, and tells me to stand out of the way, or he'll make cat'smeat of me; and then he goes to my mother, and after a quarter of anhour of sobbing on her part, and coaxing on his, they kiss and makefriends; and then they both turns to me, and orders me to leave thecellar, and never to show my face again. I refuses: father flies at me,and mother helps him; and between the two I was hustled out to find mybread how and where I could. I've never taken a woman's part since."[Puff, puff, puff, and a deep sigh.] "I walks down to the water-side,and having one or two shillings in my pocket, goes into a public-houseto get a drop of drink and a bed. And when I comes in, I sees a manhand a note for change to the landlady, and she gives him change. `Thatwon't do,' says he, and he was half tipsy: `I gave you a ten-pound note,and this here lad be witness.' `It was only a _one_,' says the woman.`You're a damned old cheat,' says he, `and if you don't give me thechange, I'll set your house on fire, and burn you alive.' With thatthere was a great row, and he goes out for the constable and gives herin charge, and gives me in charge as a witness, and then she gives himin charge, and so we all went to the watchhouse together, and slept onthe benches. The next morning we all appeared before the magistrate,and the man tells his story and calls me as a witness; but recollectinghow much I had suffered from _seeing_, I wouldn't see anything thistime. It might have been a ten-pound note, for it certainly didn't looklike a one; but my evidence went rather for than against the woman, forI only proved the man to be drunk; and she was let off, and I walkedhome with her. So says she, `You're a fine boy, and I'll do you a goodturn for what you have done for me. My husband is a waterman, and I'llmake you free of the river; for he hasn't no 'prentice, and you can comeon shore and stay at the public-house when you ar'n't wanted.' I jumpedat the offer, and so, by not _seeing_, I gets into a regular livelihood.Well, Jacob, how do you like it?"
"Very much," replied I.
"And you, Mary?"
"O! I like it very much; but I want father to go on, and to know how hefell in love, and married my mother."
"Well, you shall have it all by-and-by; but now I must take a spell."
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