"It will all be over... soon." I vow to her. Somehow, I'll make sure she gets out of this alive.
"What's taking so long?" Father complains.
I straighten my spine, putting on my best poker face. If he knows how much she means to me, he'll kill her immediately; a fact of which I'm painfully aware. I need to buy some time so the pill knocks her out.
"I can't do it." I start.
"Silvio!" Father yells, but I stop him.
"I didn't mean that. I can't get hard. I need one of those pills." He knows exactly what I'm talking about as he scowls at me; it's not as if it's the first time I've needed them.
"Sometimes I wonder how you came out of my loins. Can't even fuck properly." He opens the door and spews some commands. "Fucking faggot," he mutters under his breath, but I ignore the jibe.
I fix my eyes on Catalina, monitoring her movements.
Dear Lord, she's innocent. Please spare her.
I continue praying, even knowing it's too late.
As expected, father is back too soon. Swallowing the pill, I can only wait until it starts working.
"So?" Father asks flippantly, nodding towards my bulge. "Let the show begin."
I briefly close my eyes, and I do what I always do—I will myself out of my body. Except this time, it's not working.
With trembling fingers, I unlock the shackles on her ankles and wrists. Then, I pull her towards me so only her torso's laying on the table.
I hear a soft whimper. God, what am I doing?
I don't think I've ever known more potent loathing than I do the moment I grip the hem of her dress and lift it up her hips.
My heart is beating wildly in my chest; a side effect of the pill coupled with my own anxiety. My hands go to my pants and I unzip them. I don't touch her more than I need to, not wanting to defile her even further. Angling my cock at her entrance, I push in.
I can only hope she's out of it so she doesn't feel the pain as I surge in, breaking through the barrier of her virginity. Once I'm fully inside I still, the magnitude of what I'm doing crashing down on me.
I can't do it. This isn't mine to take, only hers to give. God...
I don't think I've ever appealed to a Divinity as much as I do that moment. The guilt of stealing her innocence from her is only exacerbated by the fact that it feels too good.
I'm a monster... and this is my biggest sin.
Lost in an inner battle with my demons, I'm suddenly brought back to reality by father's voice.
"I should have known you couldn't do it." He spits at me, taking his gun and shoving it under Catalina's chin. "How's this for encouragement, boy?"
Like a caustic substance, the sight of the gun aimed at Catalina's head burns my insights and imprints itself in my head. Father's insidious smile stretches even wider across his face as he sees the turmoil in me. I can't even hide it anymore.
He jabs the butt of the gun menacingly into her chin a few more times before I give up. I move—in and out. All while begging all the gods out there to make this fast.
For once someone listens to my prayers and I come, the staggering guilt an echo of ephemeral pleasure.
Sick. Twisted. Depraved.
Am I anything but?
I pull out, lightheaded, a heavy weight resting on my chest.
Damned... I just damned myself by defiling an angel.
Father starts clapping, a hand coming down my back in a congratulatory slap. He's saying something, but I can't hear him. Eyes blank, heart shattered, I turn away from the wretched body I've just corrupted.
Looking down, my cock is stained with red, the evidence of the innocence I'd ruined glaring back at me. It's the last drop, and I stumble to my knees, heaving and emptying the contents of the stomach.
Father makes a disgusted noise before leaving the room.
He already got what he wanted.
For what seems like forever, I sit alone in my puke, staring at the dark walls. Catalina is still out—a small grace. But I realize where this is all heading... father's next step. She'll be dead by tomorrow, and I can't allow that. I'll take on the entire famiglia if I have to, but Catalina will survive this. It's a solemn vow I make to myself.
One day, this will all be but a distant nightmare for her, but at least she'll be alive.
And I'll stay away—forever.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON who can help me get her out. The only other man besides father who has unrestricted access to the house and the basement—my brother Valentino. Asking him for this favor and implicitly making him go against father for my sake will cost me heftily.
I don't dare leave her side, even for a moment, as I plan the next move. I call my brother and explain what I need—someone to return Catalina to her family while I stay behind and face the music.
After I'm more in command of my body, I stumble to my feet, and taking my shirt off, I clean her with it.
I'm very gentle with her back, the wounds so raw it's like they're screaming at me. Even with the mangled flesh, the initials are clearly distinguishable. It makes me feel even more despicable, for she will forever carry this with her.
I swallow a sob as I reach lower. A trickle of blood is running down her thighs. I tenderly clean the area, even more disgusted when I see red mixed with white and the evidence of what I've done to her.
"I'm so sorry... so sorry." My voice breaks as I keep repeating, knowing she can't possibly hear me.
I've killed and maimed in my life; tortured, and desecrated, and never have I felt such a torment deep within. I'd gotten used to my lot in life, never thinking I could reach rock bottom, because how can you when you've always lived under sea level? But this... what I did to her...
I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life repenting, seeking some nonexistent absolution.
I finish cleaning her up and I try my best to cover her with what's left of her dress. Softly, I lower her from the table, cradling her battered body in my arms. I swipe my hand over her pale features, taking her in one last time.
"I'm sorry..." I whisper again in her hair, rocking slightly with her and letting the tears fall. "So, so sorry." I brush my lips against her temple, trying to memorize her features.
That's how Valentino finds me.
"That her?" He nods at Catalina.
"Yes." I stand up, carefully depositing her in his arms. "Please take care of her. Make sure she gets home safe."
"You're lucky she's Romina's sister, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this."
"I know."
"You owe me, Marcello. And when I come to collect, you better be ready." He notes. Tino might not be father, but that doesn't mean he is any less of a self-serving bastard.
"Thank you." I incline my head in respect. As long as he delivers her safely back to her family, I'm willing to do anything for him—should I live.
"Good luck with father." He says before leaving.
I watch his retreating figure, saying goodbye to Catalina one last time.
It's time to end this.
When father comes in, I'm the only one in the basement. He quickly scans the room, his upper lip twitching in displeasure.
"What did you do, boy?" He spits out, backhanding me. I take it, because that's all I deserve.
"She's safe." I say, keeping my composure.
"Fucking useless." He sneers, pacing around. "You know what your punishment is, boy." I lower my head, already accepting my fate. I knew it from the moment I stayed behind.
"Do it fast." I say as he raises his gun to aim for my head.
"You think this is over, don't you? The moment you're dead, I'll take that whore you seem to love so much and I'll make her my bitch. And when I've had my fill, I'll have every one of my men take a turn. She'll wish she was dead, and she will die, but not before she despises you so much she takes her last breath cursing out your name," He laughs, mocking Catalina and my feelings for her.
The switch is instantaneous. I'd been resigned to dying, since death would be the gre
atest comfort considering what I'd done—and a mercy at the same time. Yeah, I'm a coward. But as he gloats about everything he would do to Catalina, with me powerless to stop it, I can't. Before he can pull the trigger, my hand shoots out, knocking it out of his hold.
Father may think he's superior just because I'd been at peace with dying. But in a physical struggle, he won't come out the winner.
A rage unlike anything I've ever felt takes over me, and my fingers wrap themselves around the side of his neck, forcefully shoving his head into the wall. The first impact elicits a cry from father, and it only spurs me on. Over and over, I smash his brain against the concrete wall, watching blood and brain matter stain the surface. I only release him when he stops struggling.
It's done.
IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE I've seen the light of the day. Stuck in a tiny apartment, a prison of my making, I can only wait for Valentino's next update about Catalina.
That's the only thing that's been keeping me going. The knowledge that she's doing well, and the hope that she will heal.
But it all comes crashing down one day.
"What do you mean?" I croak. "How can she be missing?"
"I'm sorry. Romina said Rocco disowned her. She's probably..." He trails off, and I get what he's hinting at.
"No. It can't be. Why wait so long? It's been months and nothing happened... There must be a mistake." I'm panicking, the sheer thought of a world without Catalina filling me with unimaginable dread.
"You realize the chances of her being alive are slim, don't you?" His voice is somber, and I fall back, shocked to my very core.
I'd refused to believe her own family would turn against her. I'd refused to think she would be anything but safe back home.
But I should have known better. No mafioso would allow a dishonored daughter to continue bearing the family name. And if Rocco has one predominantly deadly sin, it's hubris. A pride that wouldn't let him overlook her lack of virtue.
No...
I hang up, my mind blanking.
I killed her. I did it. I should have known that someone like me can't touch something as pure as her without tainting her. And I did it... I condemned her to hell.
I fall to my knees, my eyes tearing up. Without even thinking, I wrap my hand around the whip laying by me, and with all the strength I can muster, I fling it back, flinching at the biting contact.
I deserve it. I need to feel what she endured on that table. I need to hurt for her.
The more I think about her, the more force I apply.
Whip.
Whip.
Whip.
I'm cursed.
Whip.
Whip.
Whip.
I hit and hit, but it's not enough. Blood and sweat mingle down my back, sticking to my flesh like a second skin.
Still not enough.
All ration leaves me as I numbly move around the room, exerting one last effort. My mind is foggy as everything else fades away, my only remaining goal to join her.
I use an old cable, making a sturdy knot and securing it to the light fixture on the ceiling. Stepping on a small chair, I place the noose around my neck, immediately kicking the support, and waiting for death.
My eyes close, my breathing slows, the cable digging into my skin. Lightheaded, I feel myself slipping. And there she is. She's smiling at me, her eyes twinkling with affection.
Lina...
"Am I dead?" I whisper, holding on to the mirage of her.
"No, silly, you're not." Her hand reaches out to touch my face, tenderness emanating from her entire being.
"How can you not hate me?" I sob, and she draws me into her arms.
"I don't hate you. I could never hate you." She reassures me, sharing her warmth with me. "But it's not your time yet, Marcello." She chides softly. "Go out in the world and do good. Show me how much you repent by helping others."
"I don't want to leave you." I hold on to her tighter, begging her to let me stay with her.
"We'll meet again." She draws back and places a sweet kiss on my lips.
I open my eyes, pain emanating from my entire back and head. I blink twice, realizing I'm on the floor staring at the ceiling. Still alive.
I won't let you down, Lina.
It takes me a few more months to get myself together, but I enroll in college. I devote all my time to study, all to achieve my new goal—help the other Catalinas of the world. I accustom myself to being alive while she's not, but I dedicate everything to her memory. As much as I strive to be normal though, some things have irrevocably changed.
Like my ability to sleep. Not that it was great before. Or my ability to withstand touch. The first time someone brushed their hand over mine, I'd gotten such a terrible panic attack someone had called an ambulance.
I'm vile. Disgusting. A monster.
And no one should be tainted by my touch.
Chapter Twenty-seven
PRESENT-DAY,
"LINA, OPEN UP." ENZO knocks on the bathroom door, coming to check up on me for the tenth time today.
"Go away, Enzo." I yell. Can't he understand I don't want to see anyone?
"Lina, I'm not leaving until you open this goddamn door." He knocks even harder, and I realize he might break the door.
I close my eyes briefly and take a deep breath. Then I open the door.
"Lina..." he groans when he sees me, my face red and swollen. "It's been a few days already." He comments, shaking his head. "I'm worried about you."
After the confrontation with Marcello, I'd taken Claudia with me and left immediately. She'd asked many questions, disappointed that we were leaving. But what had hit me the hardest had been when she'd mentioned Marcello, and that she would miss him the most.
Good Lord! He's known all along that Claudia is his daughter, but how am I to ever tell her that? Or how she was conceived...
While Claudia had fallen back in her playtime routine with Lucca, I'd been spending my days in my room, crying.
"You shouldn't be. I'm fine." I add half-heartedly. I'd told Enzo what had happened, and it had taken everything to stop him from going after Marcello.
"You don't look fine." He looks at me with worry in his eyes, and for the first time I realize how selfish I've been, shutting everyone out.
"I just found out the man I fell in love with was the same man who brutally raped me ten years ago. I think I'm doing fine, all things considered." I snap, my voice rising a notch. "Sorry." I immediately add as I realize my tone.
"I'm going to kill him." Enzo pivots, and I grab his arm.
"No, please stop. Don't make this more difficult than it already is."
"I'll to make sure you get a divorce." He says tensely, and I can only laugh.
"A divorce? You think anyone's going to let that slide? There's no divorce in our world, Enzo."
"There can be." There's no conviction behind his words, as he knows fully well how things work.
"No... We'll just live separately."
"It's all my fault, damn it. I practically offered you up to him."
"You only wanted to protect me." I pat his arm in a comforting gesture. "Who could have known, really?"
"Lina, I know this is awkward, but I have to ask. Are you...?" He starts, his gaze dropping towards my stomach.
"No. I'm not." The tension drains from his face, and he lets out a sigh of relief. I understand his perspective. A child would make it incredibly difficult to cut ties with Marcello. While I know that, there had been a deep sense of disappointment when I got my period yesterday. Did I want a baby—his baby? I don't know, and I can't explain why it had hurt me the way it had when I'd seen the first signs of spotting.
Because you love him. As much as you hate him.
And I do hate him, because now I have a face and a name for the amber eyes who'd been the center piece of my nightmares.
I convince Enzo that I am fine and I close the door to my room, relieved to be alone once again. No matter how much I try to tell
myself that, though, it's a lie. How could I be fine when the person I trusted so much ended up betraying me in the worst manner? Every time I close my eyes I remember how he'd looked at me, so lost and hopeless among the myriad of glass shards. I just can't comprehend how he could deceive me like that and still look like the injured party.
With a deep breath, I try to put it out of my mind lest I become a weeping mess again. I need to get myself together, for Claudia's sake.
I head to the bathroom, intent on taking a shower. The moment I'm in front of the mirror, though, I can't help myself. Slipping the dress off my shoulders, I half-turn so I can look at my back. My gaze travels the length of the scar, the puckered skin that makes the contour of the two letters angrily glaring at me.
The M I now know to be from Marcello. But the C? Does he have another name that starts with a C?
Chimera.
The thought makes me still.
I frown, thinking back to my abduction, and the few hours I was lucid. I'm certain the man had mentioned Chimera—that I was to be a gift for the Chimera. Does that mean that...
Turning off the water, I quickly fasten my dress and go to Enzo.
He's in a heated argument with Allegra, and when he sees me he tells her something that has her pale. She turns her head ever so slightly and her entire demeanor changes when she sees me. At Enzo's urging, she leaves us alone, but not before shooting me daggers with her eyes. I don't know what I've ever done to her, but I don't have time to wonder about that now.
"What is it, Lina?" Enzo frowns when he sees me. Considering I'd just run down the stairs, my face must be flushed with exertion.
"Chimera." I say, and his eyes widen a little. "Have you heard that name?"
Enzo tugs my hand towards his study, closing the door behind us.
"Why?"
"You know I have a C and an M on my back. I think the C stands for Chimera."
Enzo looks deep in thought as he considers my words.
"Tell me why you think that."
I recount everything from that night, and how Marcello had mentioned Chimera in relation to the nun murder.
Morally Blasphemous (Morally Questionable Book 2) Page 30