by Karen Malley
“I’m glad he’s not making any more drugs, but to be perfectly honest, deep down I never believed he’d come after me after I moved. When Robert had his accident, I panicked, and my first thought was Charlie found us, but I know now that was stupid. Even though I’m safe from him, it still doesn’t feel over for me.” Kathryn shivered.
“Because you still feel like you need to pay the price.”
Kathryn stared at him. How did he always manage to understand her so completely?
“Kathryn, I can tell you everything you already know to be true. You didn’t know what you were doing, you only continued because they were threatening you and Robert, and most importantly, you’ve been forgiven. You do realize everything that you did, that you’ve ever done or will do, has been paid for by Jesus?”
Kathryn nodded.
“But all that doesn’t make it OK for you, does it?” Adam asked.
Kathryn swallowed against the lump in her throat. “No, I still need to make it right.”
“And that’s why you’ve thrown yourself into this project at work, because if you can successfully decrease pain without a high, there won’t be a market for opioids anymore. Am I right?”
He knew her so well. A rush of gratitude flooded her. “That’s right. I can’t take back what I did, but this is how I thought I could help for the future. It’s not happening, though. I’m not even working on the project anymore.”
“This is the part where you have to trust me.” He took both her hands in his and gazed deep into her eyes. “I think you should turn yourself in.”
Panic widened Kathryn’s eyes and she pulled her hands from his. “I don’t want to go to jail!”
Adam’s tone was gentle. “Calm down, sweetheart, and listen. If you’re honest with yourself, isn’t part of the problem that you’re worried someday they’ll find you and you’ll have to pay for your crimes, even though you think you deserve to?”
Kathryn picked at the blanket. “Yes.”
“I still have a lot of connections in the legal community, even after what happened in Buffalo. My former classmates and professors who know me well, recognize I had nothing to do with the problems at my firm. I’ve been talking to a couple of friends about your case.”
Kathryn’s eyes blazed. “You talked to people behind my back?”
“I didn’t mention your name. I would never put you in that position. I asked them hypothetically. Honestly, I think the worst that would happen is you could be sentenced to community service, but more likely, you wouldn’t even be charged. There’s no evidence against you, the crime happened in another state, and it was years ago.”
“It’s a lot to think about. I can’t handle the possibility of going to jail, even if you think that wouldn’t happen.”
“Think about it. Better yet, pray about it.”
Kathryn flopped back onto the blanket. “Why is everything so complicated?”
Adam gazed at her and stroked her hair. “You’ve been through so much.”Adam’s eyes penetrated into her own.
“Why are you even wasting your time with me? I’m such a mess.”
“You’re a precious child of God. On top of that, you’ve become precious to me. You’re an amazingly strong woman. Come here.” Adam gathered her into his arms. He whispered in her ear. “God, please bring comfort to Kathryn. You know how much she has been through. Please help her realize You’re always with her and guide her in her decisions. Make it clear the path You laid out for her. If it is Your will for her to make this move to Boston, please give her peace in that decision. If it is Your will for her to turn herself in, give her courage to do so. Above all, Lord, please help her to trust in You.”
Kathryn trembled.
Adam opened his eyes. “Are you cold? I’m sorry. We can go back.”
“No, that’s not it. I… Thank you. Thank you for the prayer. I’m still new to all this. I want to follow what God wants me to do, but it’s scary. How do I give up my job when I have a huge mortgage to pay? How do I turn myself in when I may end up in jail?”
“Faith. God won’t ask you to do anything that isn’t in your best interest. Anything He asks you to do will be the right thing to do, whether it’s comfortable or not. If you hand me my crutches, we’ll get back. Maybe next time we’ll picnic when it’s a little warmer out.”
As Kathryn helped Adam to his feet, she was struck with the realization of how selfish she was. She was suddenly overcome with shame.
Adam studied her face. “What is it?”
“You lost your leg. You lost your ability to work. You lost your career, your bride, and now this. You’ve been through way more than me. How do you keep going? How can you say what God has for you is in your best interest?”
Leaning on his crutches, Adam gazed deep into her eyes, which sent butterflies dancing in her stomach. “I lost a career that was threatening to destroy me. I made my work an idol. I was putting work before everything else in order to make partner, so I could be rich.”
“I lost my bride who was only interested in my money and my status. I lost my leg, yes, but that was a small price to pay for bringing my coworker into the kingdom of God. God knows what is best for me. While I was still in the hospital, Derek came by and offered me my dream job of working with at-risk youth. I love working with the youth at Kids of Hope. God uses me there. It’s been a long road, but everything that has happened to me has been in my best interest. I’d rather be doing God’s will with one leg and no money than be rich with two legs and going to Hell.”
“You sure can put things in perspective. I suppose I should listen to you more often.”
“That’s good advice.” Adam said, with a grin. “Come on, let’s go home. Will you be in church tomorrow morning?”
Just the idea of sitting with Adam in church had the power to give her a tingle of excitement. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
That night, laying in bed, Kathryn’s head was spinning with emotions. Adam knew her most terrible secret and he still wanted to be with her. He even prayed for her.
God, help. I’m scared about the future. Please help me to figure out how I’ll be able to pay the rent and the tolls and the gas, and still manage to pay the taxes and the mortgage on this crazy big house.
Thanks for sending Adam to me to help me get through this time, even though I don’t deserve it. You gave me an opportunity to go to school and study what I found fascinating, and I was taken in by sweet-talking Charlie who told me I was special. You gave me seven years of marriage to Robert, and I blew it by never being the wife he deserved. You gave me a chance to work on this pain project to try to help people, and now I’m not even on that project anymore.
God, I don’t know why You keep giving me all these chances when all I do is mess things up. God, I don’t want to hurt Adam. He’s been through so much. I want him to be happy. I want him to be able to be the amazing dad I know he can be. God, if I could be the one to make him happy, I would love the chance. But if I’m not, please help me to walk away from him.
I believe You put him in my life. He’s everything I need, God. He listens to me, he cares about what’s important to me, he teaches me about You, he gives me amazing advice… God, please show me if I should keep moving closer to him. It’s what I want, and it seems to be what he wants, but only You know what is best for us.
I’m afraid of what people will say. Robert has only been gone since the summer. It’s not even a year yet. What will Anne and Mark say? What would Robert think if he knew I was already falling in love with someone else? What do I think about falling in love with someone else?
38
The following week flew by. Kathryn spent her days dealing with Jack Myerson’s inane chauvinistic comments and working on a project she had no passion for. She passed the time only until she could hear Adam’s voice again. Each night they talked about their lives, their pasts, their hopes, their dreams. Not once did Adam ask whether she planned to stay in Boston or whether she planned to turn h
erself in. Those two questions were her constant companions. She faithfully prayed to God to give her direction.
Once again, Friday night, she made the long drive home to Pine Springs in order to work on the house, and of course, to see Adam again.
They made plans for dinner on Saturday night.
Kathryn smiled thinking back to the conversation.
“Kathryn, remember the night you went to dinner with that guy when I was with the Fredericks?”
“Yeah, that wasn’t too awkward or anything. What on earth did you think when Phil came up to you? I was mortified.”
“You want to know the truth? All I kept thinking was ‘Why is she out with that guy instead of me?’ Then it hit me. We never went on a date because I never asked. Every time we got together it was some time we happened to run in to each other.”
“We went Christmas shopping together,” Kathryn said.
“I believe you did the asking that day.” Adam said.
“True.” Kathryn paused. “You asked me out to the Christmas tree farm, and you asked me to a midnight picnic.”
“Hmmm. I’m not sure. Do either of those count?”
“What is your point?”
“Kathryn Baker, would you do me the honor of allowing me to take you out to dinner Saturday night?”
Kathryn jumped from her seat and spun in a circle. “You mean a real-live actual date with you?”
She could hear the smile in his voice.
“If you’ll have me. I’m allowed to drive now.”
Kathryn couldn’t contain her excitement. “Adam, if you’re sure you want to be with me, after everything you know about me, how can I say anything but yes? Of course, yes.”
“I’ll pick you up at six. I know just the place.”
~*~
Saturday morning, Kathryn sat in the midst of boxes. Looking around, she saw the house for what it was. Four walls and a roof. Yes, it was a beautiful house, in a nice section of town, but it was only shelter. How had she been so foolish to spend so much money on this place? Now, the debt forced her to take a job she hated in a town hundreds of miles from where she wanted to be. It could have been a home, but she never spent much time there. It was a status symbol—a sign she’d made it. Now that status symbol trapped her. If she could get a decent price for it, get a cheap apartment in Boston, put all her money away, maybe she could pay off the difference in what they owed in a few years. Uggh. The idea of spending a few years at that job made her physically sick. She willed the hours to move faster as she waited for her evening with Adam. She focused hard on the task at hand. All week she’d prayed God would show her a sign telling her what to do. She still couldn’t figure out a way to pay for the house without keeping the job in Boston.
Especially not if I’m in jail.
Staring at Robert’s desk, she still couldn’t bear to go through it. God, give me strength. The mail! Yes, that’s what I should do. She’d been holding the mail at the post office since moving to Boston. Another step of faith, or perhaps denial, was that she hadn’t set up a forwarding address. She drove to the post office and picked up the bundle. Sorting through it, her heart stopped at the sight of a letter from Pine Springs Community College. Tearing open the paper, she read:
Dear Dr. Kathryn Baker,
We are pleased to offer you the position of Adjunct Instructor for the Chemistry Department of Pine Springs Community College. We are in need of an instructor for our summer session of Organic Chemistry, and for the following courses in the fall…
She stopped reading and started praying. God, is this a sign from you? Are You telling me I should teach? This won’t be much money. I don’t see how I can possibly pay my bills with the salary I’ll get from teaching a few courses. There’s no way I can pay off the house with it. I know You want me to step out in faith, but I need to be responsible too. And please, tell me whether I should turn myself in. How can I take a job if I might be going to jail?
In spite of her doubts, a little of the weight she was carrying seemed to lift from her shoulders. She allowed herself a little excitement at the thought of teaching. She couldn’t wait to tell Adam.
Back at her house, she once again sat at Robert’s desk. She took the plunge and started opening drawers. Allowing herself to immerse herself back in Robert’s world, she sorted through papers. The first file folder held letters and copies of emails from students he’d taught.
Page after page, she read letters from students and parents all saying the same thing—what a difference he’d made in their lives. A fresh pang of grief hit her. She’d only thought about how the loss of Robert affected her, but there were dozens, maybe hundreds of students mourning his loss as well.
Ok, God. I get it. There are kids out there who need teachers who care. I want to make a difference the same way Robert made a difference. You’re giving me this chance. Maybe I do go back and get my teaching certificate, or maybe I work my way up from an adjunct at community college to a full professor. I believe You have a plan for me, and I don’t believe that plan lies in Boston. God, I’m willing to step out in faith and take the job. I don’t know how the money thing will work out, but I’ll trust You.
At that moment, another huge weight slipped off Kathryn’s shoulders. The step to trust God and follow His path lightened her like nothing else could. Everything seemed less daunting. The money situation hadn’t changed, but the idea of following God’s plan and teaching, right here in Pine Springs, was like a breath of fresh air. The trapped feeling that had surrounded her for the past month was finally lifting. God, is this what is feels like to step out in faith? Your desire is not for me to be rich or to follow after earthly things. I admit I don’t know how I’ll pay off this house, but I am trusting in You. Help guide me as I follow Your path.
She continued through the files, sorting through tax receipts, warranties, and miscellaneous other business papers. Finally, she opened an envelope, expecting another tax receipt, only to find it was a life insurance policy.
A policy for Robert.
Her heart leapt into her throat. She’d never considered the possibility of life insurance. Robert took care of this without her. As a benefit from her job, he would get two times her salary if she passed away, but the school district offered no such benefit. It never occurred to her he would’ve gotten insurance on his own. He was only 30, after all. She checked the date. Three years ago.
A fresh sense of loss overtook her. Twenty-seven-year-old Robert cared so much that she was provided for that he had the presence of mind to get a life insurance policy when they moved out here. It made sense. He’d lost his father when he was only twelve, and money was always tight afterwards. Of course, Robert wouldn’t take the chance of leaving his wife and future children in that position. His future children. Poor Robert never got the chance to train up and encourage his own children because she’d denied him that.
God, I was a terrible wife to Robert. He deserved so much better. Please forgive me. I didn’t know any better at the time. Please tell him I’m sorry. Please tell him I finally became a Christian. And God, if You could please tell him thank You for still taking care of me, I would appreciate it. Please tell him…please tell him I love him and there will always be a special place in my heart that belongs to him. Tell him I met Adam and that…that…I will live my life, the one he was so wanting me to live, with You in my heart, too.
Kathryn looked at the bottom of the page, teary-eyed, her heart filled with love for Robert, and for God’s mysterious ways, and saw the amount. Robert had taken out enough life insurance to pay off the house. It would allow her to stay in Pine Springs.
Hallelujah!
~*~
Kathryn stood before the mirror, staring at outfit number four. Why was this so hard? Adam had seen her at her worst, from running into him at the hospital, to changing a tire, to her old college sweatshirt and jeans… This was different, though. Her first official date. Finally, she settled on a dark green fitted sweater paired w
ith a tan skirt and her favorite boots. She gave a little twirl before the mirror. This would do. She finished brushing her hair just as the doorbell rang downstairs.
Forcing herself to walk, she laughed as she lifted Bandit away from the door. She could feel her pulse quicken as she opened the door.
Adam stood, his face flushed from the cold, balanced on his crutches while holding a packet of envelopes in his hand. A giant smile lit his face at the sight of her.
She cocked her head at him, the question in her eyes.
“I would’ve brought you flowers, but they wouldn’t travel well. I brought you these instead.” He held out the stack of envelopes to her.
She took the envelopes and dropped the squirming Bandit to the floor. “Come on in, your best friend here needs to greet you before we go.”
Making his way into the entryway while navigating the exuberant pup weaving around his crutches, he explained the envelopes. “I wrote you a letter for each day of the week we’ll be apart. Call me old fashioned. I know we’ll talk and text, but…”
She stopped him by grabbing his hand. “I love it. You’re so sweet.” Her eyes filled at his thoughtfulness. She clutched the envelopes to her chest, wanting to read them all right away. “Thank you.”
Adam shrugged. “It was nothing.” His words belied his expression. He was pleased at her reaction. “How are you holding up driving back and forth?” he asked.
“It’s rough doing that drive. Especially since the winter won’t be over for a while up there. Friday night I fall into bed exhausted, and Sunday night isn’t much better. I won’t be making the trip too many more times.”
Adam’s face fell. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I can’t expect you to drive back here every weekend once you’ve got the house sold. I’ll be able to get up there some time to visit, I suppose.” He ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Adam, there’s lots to talk about, but if you made a reservation, maybe we should talk about it at dinner.”