by McLean, Jay
But, deep in my chest, in my gut… there was a rage simmering, something I haven’t felt since Logan’s past was revealed. But it’s in there, like a bomb waiting to detonate. I felt it the moment she started to speak. I won’t let it happen. It’s not who I am anymore. It’s not the man Benny and Mia know and love, and so for them, I put on a mask.
We spend the rest of their time here as one, as a family. The anger faded slowly, replaced with moments of joy and laughter, and everything I didn’t know I’d been missing.
I don’t bother waiting until the following weekend. After dropping Mia and Benny off at the airport the next day, I send a text to the family group chat and tell them I’ll be home in two hours and for everyone to be there. Unless my dad couldn’t keep his mouth shut, they have no idea what’s coming.
As soon as I get in my truck, I blast “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles, on repeat, full volume—a reminder of why I’m about to do what I’m doing.
Mia and I have never had a lot of things in common. We still don’t. We’ve never needed it. The one thing we do have is one of the most important to our story: our favorite place in the world is exactly a hundred and thirty feet in the air.
I was fourteen, and she was thirteen. It was the second summer she spent with us. The first summer I actually got the courage to talk to her. One morning, right after the sun came up, “Here Comes the Sun” played through the speakers of her phone. I’d heard the song before, but I’d never really paid attention to the lyrics. Mia knew the song by heart, and she sang… She sang each word quietly, her head bopping up and down. She was in her usual clothes: denim cut-offs and an oversized tee. Her flip-flops were kicked off, and she sat across the ledge, not over it like we usually did. Her knees were raised, and she leaned back on her outstretched arms, her face pointed up to the sky, eyes closed. I couldn’t stop looking at her. As the song played on, her singing got louder and more off-tune. Her singing voice was atrocious if I’m being honest, but I didn’t stop her.
I just sat, and I watched, and I couldn’t help but smile as I did. And I thought to myself, “Man, you must really love someone to put up with singing this bad.” And that’s when it hit me. That was the moment she turned from a crush to all-out love.
When I got home, I looked up the lyrics to the song. There aren’t many words, but it’s basically how winters are long without the sun, how it feels like years whenever it’s not around, and the one I felt the most: how smiles return when the sun appears. That day, Mia stopped being a girl I longed to be around. She became the reason for my happiness. She became my sunrise.
* * *
I’m not surprised when I enter the house and see my dad and all my siblings sitting in the living room waiting for me. I head to the coffee table and pick up the remote, quickly switching off the TV.
Dad’s standing at the doorway to the kitchen, his hands shoved in the pockets of his worn-out jeans. “Son,” he says in greeting, and my jaw ticks. I don’t respond.
Lucas and Logan are sitting on one couch, while the twins sit on the other. From the corner of my eye, I see them share a look. They communicate something only the other knows, something none of us has an insight to no matter how hard we’ve tried.
Lachlan’s sitting on the recliner that was once Mom’s. Next to him, on the arm, is my sister.
I stand in front of the TV and try to gather my thoughts.
“So…” Lucas starts, his eyes darting around the room as if I’m here to surprise them with some form of fucking mayhem. No. This isn’t a prank, and it’s sure as shit isn’t a joke. “What’s going on?”
I glance at Logan, but he looks away. Him, I’ll deal with later. He’s the only one I owe an apology.
Lucas adds, “You send us all a text saying it’s important and to meet you, like we all have to drop everything just to—”
“Yeah, what’s going on?” Lincoln cuts in, his eyebrows drawn. “You’re here, what? Every other weekend? And when you are here, you lock yourself in your room—”
“Or you’re on your phone,” Liam adds.
Lachlan speaks up. “You said you’d come home every weekend.”
Lucy says, “You guys, he’s in the police academy. We don’t know—”
Liam cuts in before she can finish. “What the hell are you doing on the weekends when you’re not here?”
“Yeah, what’s so important?” his twin adds.
“There was one time when you didn’t come home for three weeks in a row!” Lachlan almost yells.
“And you’re so secretive,” says my older brother.
I’m aware of the fact that Logan hasn’t said a word.
“Are you seeing someone? Is that what it is?” Lincoln asks.
“Yeah.” Liam, always mirroring his older twin. “Is it a girl?”
“Or is it a boy?” Lincoln teases.
I clear my throat.
“Holy shit!” he yells. “It is a boy! Did you meet someone at the academy, and now you’re gay?”
“We don’t care if—” Lucas says, but Lincoln cuts him off.
“I knew it! I told you!” He’s on his feet, pointing at everyone in the room, before stopping on his twin. Hand out in front of Liam, he sings, “You owe me fifty bucks.”
I finally speak. “It is a boy.”
All my brothers—besides Logan—gasp in unison. Logan just looks at me, his eyes void of emotion. My sister smiles, knowing exactly where this is going. I’m too pissed to even look at Dad. Before anyone else can say anything, I say, my voice firm. “I have a son.”
A chorus of what the fucks fills the room. The questions come, but I ignore them all. In twenty-three years, I’ve never once been the center of attention, never held court, never been the focus. Now, I have to. Raising my voice so I can be heard over everyone else, I tell them, “His name is Bennett János Kovács, but everyone calls him Benny.”
More questions fly at me, until Dad speaks up, pushing off the doorframe. “Shut up and let him talk.”
Everyone goes silent. Everyone but Lachlan. “How is he your son when he’s not a Preston?”
I stand taller. “I don’t mind that he doesn’t carry my last name because the truth is, I’m not sure if I’ve earned it yet.” All eyes are on me now, even Logan’s. “He was conceived the summer before my senior year.”
“What?” Lucas hisses. “Did you know?”
I look over at Dad, try to keep my expression in check. “His mother didn’t tell me about him for a lot of reasons. One: I didn’t make it easy to contact me afterward, and no, it wasn’t a summer fling or a one-night stand.” I take a breath. “Mia and I—we were—are—very much in love.”
“Mia?” The twins shout at the same time. “Holy shit!”
“How?” Lucas asks, but I ignore him.
Instead, I focus on Dad when I say, “We, as his parents, decided not to tell you guys. Mia didn’t pressure me into anything. She brought it up, and I agreed because the truth is I was fucking scared.” I look back at my siblings, one by one. “I didn’t know if I was ready to be a dad, and I wanted to make sure that he wanted me to be part of his life before bringing anyone else into it.”
“This is…” Lincoln starts, sucking in a breath.
“Yeah,” Liam agrees, doing the same.
After swallowing my nerves, I say, “Benny’s four years old… and he’s smart and funny and cute as hell. He likes rocks and minerals and collects as many as he can wherever he can. He walks around with pockets full of them, and right now, he’s trying to memorize birthstones. His is a diamond, by the way. His birthday’s April first, two days before Katie’s.” Lucy smiles, but it’s sad. “When he’s not collecting rocks, he likes to draw, mainly with crayons, and always with blue, nothing else; it’s his favorite color. When he laughs—like, out-of-control laughs—he makes this yakyakyak sound, and it’s the greatest sound in the world. I could live in that sound. Die in it.” I glance at Dad. “He has moments where he checks out. We call it hi
m rebooting. One time, I had a draining week at the academy, and when I went to see him, he could tell how tired I was, so he offered to hug me to make me feel better. And it did. I told him he recharged me.” I catch Lucy smiling and continue. “He thinks it’s hilarious—that he reboots and I recharge. And now every time I say it, he does that yakyakyak laugh, so I ask for hugs a lot just so I can hear that one sound.” I realize now that my muscles are no longer tense. That just talking about Benny eases my soul. “They live in New York City, so Mia’s been bringing him down every other weekend so I can spend time with him—something she absolutely did not have to do. She does it for me.” My chest tightens, my voice hoarse as I say, “Last night, he told me he loved me for the first time. He was the first to say it, but I loved him even before I met him. And I’ve loved Mia for ten years now. Ever since she started coming here during the summers. I kept her a secret, and I shouldn’t have. She was—is—everything to me. I didn’t want to share her, and I didn’t want you guys ruining it. I didn’t want… I don’t know.” I heave out a breath and choke on my next words. “I’d grown up always believing there was something wrong with me. The therapists, the outbursts, the learning disorder…” I pause, take a breath. “When I was fifteen, I confided in Mia that my greatest fear in life was that I wasn’t truly living and that this life… it wasn’t enough for me… I’d always felt like an outsider, even in my own home, but Mia and Benny—they make me feel like I’m part of something… something bigger and greater. Something divine. They make me feel like I’m a part of them, and that’s the greatest gift they could’ve ever given me.” I wipe away the sudden tears clinging to my lashes and look around the room.
All eyes are on me, but no one says a word.
I sniff back my emotions. “Benny doesn’t know I’m his father—not yet. We’re waiting for the right time, and that’s a decision we’ll make together. As far as Mia and I go, there’s nothing more to say. We love each other, and right now, we’re trying to be the best people and parents we can to our little boy. We don’t know what the future is going to bring. And when it comes to those decisions—they’re ours and ours alone.” I give my dad a pointed stare. “And I hope you all can leave it the fuck alone.”
“Leo,” he deadpans.
“No, Dad.” I shake my head. “You had no right to push her into this, and I swear, if you’re the reason I lose them, I will never forgive you.” I trail my eyes around the room again. “There’s so much you don’t know about her and her life and her… struggles.” I pause, try to rein it in. “I understand why she didn’t tell me about him, and that’s all that matters. No one else gets a say in what’s right and wrong when it comes to her or Benny, and no one gets to play God here. No one gets to judge.”
“We wouldn’t,” Lucas states, voice quiet.
“Yeah, you would, Luke. You have. You and everyone else. In this case, I get that it might come from a position of love, of wanting to protect me or be angry for me, but that’s not your place.”
“Will we…” Lachlan says, then shuts his mouth when I look at him. He leans closer to Lucy.
“Will you what?” I ask, trying to keep my tone soft. Lachlan and Lucy are the most innocent ones here.
“Will we get to meet him?”
My inhale is sharp. “Halloween. They’re coming here.”
“Really?” Dad asks, his eyes wide.
“You really didn’t give her much of a choice, Dad. We weren’t ready for everyone to meet him, and I wasn’t ready for all of you to know, but you said what you said, and now we’re here.”
“What do you mean?” Lucy asks.
“Dad knows what I mean,” I spit. “And I have to go.”
I make it to my truck without another word from anyone. I’ve just taken my foot off the brake when the passenger door opens, and Logan slides in. “I’m sorry,” I rush out, at the same time he says, “Dude.”
“I know.”
He closes the door, then turns to me, leaning against it. “You’re a dad.”
“I know.”
“Holy shit.”
“I know.” I pause, hesitating. “Listen, I’m sorry about—”
His head shake cuts me off. “I was pissed, not going to lie, but I thought you were just screwing around with some girl, but this… holy shit, dude.”
“I know.” I almost laugh at my repetitiveness. “But I should’ve been there for you. I wanted to tell you. Honestly, it’s just…”
His gaze drops. “I thought—I mean, after that therapy session you went to, I just assumed it was too hard for you to… I don’t know.”
“It was hard. It fucking killed me, bro. But I would sit through a thousand of those with you if that’s what it takes to heal you.”
He puffs out a breath. “I know you would, man. That’s why I asked you.”
We sit in comfortable silence for a few seconds before he looks up, a slight smile playing on his lips. “Have you got any pictures?” I grab my phone from the console, open the photo album titled Benny and Mia, and then pass it over to him. His smile widens before he glances up. He stares at me a moment, the smile fading as his eyebrows lower. “So… does this mean you’re moving to New York?”
Chapter Seventy-Nine
Mia
“Shut the front door,” Holden says, his phone raised snapping picture after picture of Benny. When he graduated from college, he didn’t really know what to do with his time. He looked for jobs, but nothing came through. Only a few days ago, he accepted a job at Dad’s company and Dad set him up in an apartment a few blocks away from us. Holden didn’t want to live in the same building as his mom—for reasons I assume have to do with the revolving door of girls he might bring home nightly. It was hard for him to accept the job and the apartment, but I talked him into it. I love having him close, and it makes Tammy happy to have us all together, and Dad loves making Tammy happy.
Finally.
My best friend’s grin is stupid, his green eyes flashing bright as he looks at my son. “What’s up, lady killer?” He raises his fist for a bump, but Benny just stares at him, his head tilted in confusion.
“I don’t want to kill any ladies, Uncle Holden.” Benny looks down at his costume. “I’m a policeman.”
Holden’s short laugh fills my ears, and he looks over at me. “He has a point.”
My legs swing back and forth as I sit on the edge of the hotel bed. “I keep telling you he’s smart.”
Flopping down beside me, he keeps his voice low, words only for me. “How are you feeling?”
I’m nervous and anxious and scared, but he already knows all this. It’s why he’s here. Holden’s the one who convinced me to go along with Mr. Preston’s insistence of bringing Benny to meet Leo’s family. Not directly. But because… I don’t have any brothers or sisters. Holden’s the closest thing I have, and once our parents get married, it’ll be official. I couldn’t even imagine having to hide Benny from him or not being able to share all the joys of raising The Greatest Kid in the World.
Holden’s been by my side since I can remember, and he’s played such a pivotal role in my life and my son’s. He’s been there for me through everything. He was even in the delivery room, though he refused to stand anywhere but right next to my head, holding my hand. All the doctors and nurses assumed he was the father. He didn’t correct them. When he went off to college in Boston, he started living the typical college life, and I was busy being a mom, but still—he’s forever there, on the outskirts, whenever I need him.
And I need him now.
I release all the air in my lungs as I look at him, right into his eyes, knowing he’ll understand without me having to say a word. He settles a hand over mine. “It’ll be fine,” he says. “I’m right here, and Benny—he’s going to have a blast. We’ll make sure of it, okay?”
I nod, even though I don’t believe him. “Okay.”
When I told Leo that Holden would be joining us, he didn’t seem the slightest bit fazed. He was ex
cited to see Holden again, and to be honest, I’m pretty sure Leo’s half the reason Holden jumped at the chance. It’s been five years since they’ve seen each other, and I doubt much has changed. These two had some weird—what Holden calls—bromance, and even though he’ll brush it off if you ask him, Holden was hurt when Leo blocked him out of his life. When Leo re-entered our lives like a clichéd wrecking ball, there wasn’t a single negative thing Holden had to say about it. He’d always wanted Leo to know, but he never pushed to make it happen.
A knock on the door has Holden smirking at me. “There’s mommy and daddy,” he says through a chuckle. Yep. Our parents are here, too. They didn’t want to miss out on a chance to see Benny in costume, but more, they wanted to meet Leo’s family. Thanks to the help of intensive therapy, they all know what I went through that last summer at the Preston house, and they want to be there for me just… in case.
Holden swings open the door, and our parents gush over Benny in his costume. Phones come out, pictures are taken, and Benny basks in the attention. A minute later, we’re walking out of the room and down to the same lobby Leo had handed me Dad’s divorce papers. We pile into the car, and then we’re on our way to the place where my dreams went to die.
I don’t want to be here.
But then Benny turns to me in his car seat, his smile from ear-to-ear. “You think Leo will like my costume, Mama?”
And I smile, for him. “I bet he’s going to love it.”
Chapter Eighty
Mia
My pulse pounds in my eardrums, my hands shaking so feverishly I can’t even unbuckle Benny from his car seat.
They’re all here, every single one of the Preston boys.
When we pulled up to the house, they were waiting on the porch. Leo had said that he’d handled it—whatever it was—and that everything was fine and I had nothing to worry about. Still, I worry, not for him or Benny but for me.