by McLean, Jay
The world is far from perfect, and maybe that was my problem.
Mahatma Gandhi once said that no human being is so bad as to be beyond redemption.
I disagree.
The man who took Logan’s innocence is far beyond it.
Two teenage boys who were hurting and struggling to deal with their pain? They’re not so bad. Sure, they said some pretty nasty stuff, but they’re not perfect. I guess, in my head, I always saw them that way—this perfect family filled with love, loyalty, and brotherhood. I never once stopped to consider them as kids—which is what they were. They were kids, and they were troubled and wounded and damaged, and up until that time, Papa made it a point to hide the things in this world that would allow me to feel the same. Lucas and Logan had no choice.
Through the speakers, “I Can See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash is replaced with “At Last” by Etta James, and it instantly brings on more thoughts of Papa. A knot lodges in my throat as I watch Benny holding two pieces of wood together while Leo screws them into place. Gosh, what would Papa think about Benny? He would dote on him just like he did me. He would love him, treasure him, go on so many rock-hunting adventures no matter how tired he was.
Leo’s eyes snap to mine, and it’s only now I realize I’m crying. I try to smile, to assure him that I’m okay, but it’s hard. So hard. “Hang on, buddy,” Leo tells Benny, standing to full height. He walks over to me, ordering, “Up.”
Sniffing back another cry, I just stare at him.
“Up,” he says again, and so I stand up. He takes one of my hands in his, the other on my hip as he pulls me closer. And before I know it, we’re moving slowly, side to side, as he strokes my head resting on his chest. I can feel his heartbeat against my cheek as he leads us on this slow dance. He asks, voice low, “This was your grandparents’ wedding song, right?”
I rear back, surprised. “How did you know?” I shake my head because I don’t need the answer. “I’m just thinking about Papa…”
“I know,” is all he says.
I press my cheek to his chest again. “It’s such a shame that he was taken from this world before he got a chance to meet Benny.”
Leo pulls back, shaking his head. And then he laughs. Just once. “You don’t think your grandpa or my mom haven’t met Benny?”
My brow dips.
“Who do you think created him, Mia? They—together—gifted us the joy of Bennett.”
I blink up at him. Again and again. Because it’s all I can do, and then he smiles… and it’s ten years’ worth of every emotion wrapped up in a single gesture. “That’s why he’s blessed.”
I don’t know what to say, so I give him the one truth that has never changed. “I love you, Leo Preston.”
“I know.”
My scowl has him chuckling, and I can’t hide my smile in time.
He presses his lips to mine, murmuring, “I wish I could wrap myself around your smile. Around your strength to be here. For me. For us. That’s how I know you love me, Mia. Because you show me.” And then he kisses me again, deeper and softer, and I could get lost in his kiss. Forever.
But we don’t have forever.
We have Benny. “Oooh! Mother lover!”
We break apart, stifling our laughter. “Bath and bed. Off you go.”
“Mama!” he whines, stomping his foot.
Leo raises his eyebrows at our son. “Listen to your mama, Benny.”
“Fine,” he mumbles, walking past us.
Leo asks, head lowered. “You’re going to stay again?”
“Is that okay?”
“Is that even a question?”
When I get out of the shower, Leo’s sitting up in bed, shirtless, reading glasses on, and a book in his hands. “Question,” I say, grabbing my laptop from my bag. “What are the chances of you, in your uniform, wearing your glasses, me on top?”
Over his book, he peers at me standing at the end of the bed. “How can you ride my cock when I’m still in uniform?”
I blush at his dirty words. “Your pants have a zipper, right? I just need that one thing.”
He chuckles, goes back to his book. “You’re filthy, Mia.”
Dropping my computer beside him, I crawl between his legs, maneuvering his arms and legs with a grunt. Finally satisfied with our positions, I lean back, rest my back to his solid chest and pull his arm over my shoulder. Then I grab my laptop and open the screen, pulling up my email. “Are you comfortable there?” He chuckles.
“Yep.”
“So my brothers came by today?”
“Yep.”
“Are you going to tell me what happened, or…?”
I shrug. “Honestly, I think it was a conversation that needed to happen, and I’m at a much better place because of it. As far as the actual conversation, I’m still kind of processing it, and I think that’s something I need to do on my own.”
“Well, that’s good, right?”
“Yeah, it is.”
For the next few minutes, he continues to read while I go through my work messages. Then he says, “Hey, I saw that little sketch up of the floor plan you did.”
“Yeah?”
“What are you thinking? As far as furniture goes. Grays and pastels like the barn?”
I tense, grimacing, and stay silent.
“Mia...?”
“I kind of maybe ordered some furniture online. It’ll be here tomorrow.”
“What—how—who is paying for that?”
“My dad.” It’s barely audible.
“Mia!” he scolds.
“What?” I say, turning to him. “He won’t even notice, and besides, it’s for Benny. So…” I pout. “Don’t be mad.”
Leo rolls his eyes as he reaches across to get his wallet from the nightstand. He pulls out a credit card and hands it to me. “No more buying things on your dad’s dime. Use this. And, I know you’re not used to this, but there is a limit on the card, so don’t go nuts,” he breaks off on a chuckle, ruffling my hair as if I’m a child.
I look between the card and him, again and again. “You already bought us a house, Leo. I can buy the things to go inside it.”
He merely smirks, goes back to his book. “Use my card, Mia.”
“But the interest—”
His heavy sigh cuts me off. “I’m trying to read here.”
“Sorry,” I exaggerate, rolling my eyes.
I go back to my laptop, switching from my work email to my personal one. Most of the emails are confirmations from the purchases I made today, but there’s one from an office in New York. I lean in closer to study the information they sent. “Leo.”
He groans, making a dramatic show of closing his book and putting it on the nightstand. Then he wraps his arms around my waist when I pout at him. “I’m just playing. What’s up?”
“I forgot to mention it earlier, but while we were in New York, I set up an appointment with this child psychologist.”
His brow lifts. “You did?”
Nodding, I say, “I was thinking about what you said about his outbursts and the noise and people and all that stuff, so I wanted to see if there’s something we could do to help him through it—if that’s even the problem.”
“Okay…”
“She sent a questionnaire that we have to fill out, just about how he reacts to certain things. She said it might be a sensory issue.”
His eyes are everywhere, all at once. “Right.”
“So I’ll prepare the document, and maybe you and I can sit down tomorrow night and go through it.”
“Yeah…” he says, but his mind seems to be elsewhere.
“It’s not a bad thing,” I assure.
“I know,” he rushes out. “It’s just… if he does have more appointments, I’d like to be there. If I give you my schedule for the next couple of months, can you make them so it’s during my time off?”
“You’ll fly up to New York?”
He nods. “Yeah, if that’s what it takes. Of course.”
His lashes lower as his hold on me tightens. “You know, it was really nice coming home to you guys today.”
“Yeah?”
Another nod. “You said you were planning on being here for a week, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So it’s Wednesday today, and my last shift is Saturday. Maybe you guys can stay until then, and on Sunday, we can drive up to the farm together? We can drop your rental back at one of the depots, and you go back to New York from there?”
My lips curve, my chest expanding at the thought of spending almost an entire week with him. “That sounds like an amazing plan.”
“Good,” he says. “Now strip.”
Chapter Eighty-Nine
Mia
The little strip mall on Main Street reminds me of home. There are far more shops here than back there, but they’re all small and quaint, and when I step inside each one, the greetings are personal and the smiles genuine. “Look, Mama!” Benny shouts, pointing toward a store. Behind the window is a display of books, all covered in brown paper, and the sign above is handwritten in comic book style writing with the words “Blind Date with a Book! You tell us your taste, and we’ll set you up!” Below it, in much smaller font and bracketed, it reads, “It’s like Tinder for nerds.”
“You think that’s where Leo gets all my books?” Benny asks.
“I’m positive it is,” I say, grinning wide when I see “Lucy’s Bookstore” on the glass door. “Let’s go.” I take Benny’s hand, and without a second thought, I push open the door. Lucy glances up from behind the desk, her eyes wide when she sees me. “Mia!” she gasps, right before Benny yells, “Princess!” He runs toward Katie, who’s sitting in a cardboard box playing with the packaging. “What you got there?” he asks. “A box?”
Katie repeats, “Bock!”
And before I can even process how stinking cute they are, I’m being wrapped in porcelain. “I heard you were in town,” Lucy tells me. “I was going to come by tonight after work.”
“So, Leo’s still speaking to you?”
Lucy releases me, nodding and saying, “Oh yeah, Leelee’s fine with me. It’s the rest of those assholes we’re pissed at.”
I sigh, a discomfort aching at my chest. I know I’m not all to blame, but I also know that I’m causing it. I’m tearing this family apart, and I don’t like this for them. For me, either.
Katie squeals, “Mama!”
Lucy groans. “She’s been so needy today, which sucks because I have a delivery I have to get out, and Red’s at Logan’s therapy.”
“Red… as in Aubrey? She works here?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Is—” Hmm. I don’t know how to broach the subject without raising questions. “Is Logan’s therapy local?”
“Oh yeah,” she says, moving behind the counter again. “Amanda’s right up the road. She’s one of my best friends. She’s great.” She pauses a beat. “Her specialty is child psychology, but she sees Logan as a favor to me.”
“Right,” I muse, my mind working.
“Mama!” Katie cries, and Lucy inhales a sharp breath, her eyes drifting shut.
“I love you, baby girl, but Mama just needs ten minutes.” Her voice is sweet, but her teeth gnawed together as she says it reveals something else.
“Do you want me to take her for a bit?” I offer.
“Are you serious?” She almost cries. “Mia, I would love you forever.”
“I don’t mind,” I say, picking up the little girl from the box. She stops crying instantly. “Benny and I were about to get ice cream. Can she—”
“Anything she wants,” Lucy cuts in.
I giggle. “We’ll be back in half an hour?”
“You are saving my life and my business and my sanity.”
The ice cream store is only a few doors down. Benny gets something blue, and I get plain vanilla for Katie. While carrying her, I hold the cone to her mouth and let her go crazy. With no free hands, Benny holds on to the strap of my bag. As soon as we step back out, I realize where we are. It was dark the last time I was here, and I never noticed what was around. Across the road is a white building with a tall steeple and the steps I sat on when everything changed. I expect the panic to begin, the trigger to set off, but nothing happens. I look at the church again, the stairs. I’m positive it’s the same one. Yet, there’s no visceral reaction to seeing it. “Come on,” I mutter. “Make sure you walk with Mama, okay?”
We cross the road, and it’s nothing like New York, where we have to look twice before crossing, even at the lights. Benny skips the entire way to the church steps, and we sit side by side with Katie on my lap.
“Princess has ice cream all on her chin!” Benny giggles, and I look at Katie, her blue eyes wide as she parts her lips to devour the treat.
I pull out wipes from my bag and wipe her clean.
A second later, she’s back at it.
Benny laughs harder. “She’s so cute.”
“You know Katie’s your family, right?”
Benny freezes mid-lick and eyes me, confused.
“Lucy—Katie’s mom—is your dad’s sister.”
“You mean Leo’s sister?”
“Yes.” I smile. “That makes Katie your cousin.”
“Cousin,” he repeats. “Do I have other cousins?”
“No, just Katie.” Although, with Holden being as promiscuous as he is, I do have to wonder.
We sit in silence, Katie breaking through every couple of minutes to demand more ice cream, and I wait. I wait for my lungs to shrink, for my throat to close in and my heart to race so hard and fast that I expect it to burst right out of my chest. I wait for my skin to crawl, my veins to fill with nothing but panic and restlessness. I wait, and I wait.
It never comes.
I feel… free. Like I can breathe. From the moment Leo showed up at the barn six months ago, I’d been living my life in limbo, not knowing how to feel or what to do next. Everything was in question, and it still is, but… at least I can breathe through all the uncertainty. I look up at the steeple, the sun blasting right behind the cross, and my lips tick. I haven’t stepped foot in a church since Papa died because… because I stopped believing in faith. How could faith exist when it rips away the most important parts of my soul, fills the empty spaces left behind with dirty, filthy ugliness?
But it didn’t.
Faith filled my emptiness with Bennett.
Blessed Bennett.
The church doors open, and a beautiful, black middle-aged woman appears, dressed in dark gray with a white priest collar. Her smile is soft as she makes her way down the steps. “Good morning, babies,” she says to the kids, then looks pointedly at me. “Are you new in town, sweetheart?”
“We’re visiting my Leo,” Benny tells her.
“Your Leo?” she asks.
I wish for Benny to say “my dad,” but he just nods in response.
“I thought you might be here about the school program,” she says, walking past us.
“School program?” I call out.
She turns back to us. “For your little boy.” She grins at Benny. “He’d be about ready to start, right?”
“Next year.” I nod.
“Well, if you do decide to stay for whatever reason, we have a completely optional program with the elementary school for those little ones who want to…” She winks. “Fill their hearts with a little faith.”
“That sounds…” I trail off, lost for words.
Her smile widens as she turns her back, starts walking away. Over her shoulder, she says, “It was really nice meeting you, Mia.”
How did she—“Wait!” I call out. “How do you know my name?”
She spins on her heels, starts walking backward. “Your Leo’s told me so much about you.”
Chapter Ninety
Leo
“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” Benny shouts, jumping on the bed beside me.
I crack one eye open first, then the other. Then I growl, pulling o
n Benny’s legs until he falls back on the mattress. I tickle his sides until he squirms, laughing and shouting, “Stop! I’m going to wee!”
“Stop. He will wee… all over your new mattress,” Mia warns, coming out of the bathroom adjusting her clothes. She’s already showered and dressed, and I’m still half asleep and confused.
“I didn’t know we were going to the farm this early,” I mutter, reaching for my phone on the nightstand. It’s just hit nine, which is a huge sleep-in for me, but still…
I lie back down when Benny pushes on my bare shoulder and gets his pajama-clad body under the covers with me. He lifts my hand and tucks himself under the crook of my arm. “So cozy cozy,” he mumbles. “I’m going to sleep right here, with you, every single night, Leo!”
I tense, my eyes pleading with Mia to say something.
Look, I love my son; that’s not a question. But I also love his mom. And I love the things I get to do to his mom in this very bed.
“Who’s going to watch over your rocks if you’re in here every night?” Mia asks, hands on her hips, one eyebrow cocked. She’s so smart. How does she do that?
“Oh yeah!” Benny says, running his hand over the stubble on my jaw.
“And we’re not going to the farm yet,” she says, walking to the end of the bed. She tugs hard on the covers until there’s nothing left over us.
Benny and I whine, holding each other closer to keep warm. “Mama!” we both yell, and she rolls her eyes.
“It’s Sunday,” she says, as if that’s supposed to mean something. When I give her a blank stare, she scowls. “It’s Sunday Family Breakfast!”
I sit up, taking Benny with me. “But—”
“Hurry up!” she orders. “I don’t want to be late for my first one!” She starts walking away, and I attempt to go to her, but Benny’s climbing my torso, and so I take him with me.
I catch her just before she leaves the room. “Baby, wait.” I pull on her arm, and when she turns to me, she’s smiling. I search her eyes for any doubt or worry, but all I see are clear, light brown eyes I want to get lost in. “Are you sure?”