She wipes at her eyes when I’m done. I place the guitar to the side of the bed. “Josh,” she whispers likes it the only word she knows how to say. I love the way my name sounds coming out of her mouth, only ever her mouth.
I stand up and walk to her nightstand next to her bed where she has the silver night light I gave her before I left for college. I pick it up and flip it on illuminating all of the stars in her room. I walk to the light switch on her wall and turn off the lights and then slowly make my way back to her sitting on the bed in confusion, yet completely fascinated. It’s like we are underneath the night sky. Our own personal sky.
I take her hands into my own and explain. "I don’t want looking at the stars to be painful. I don’t want them to be reminders of loss. I want you to remember everything that happened before that awful night. I want you to find your way back to me because I won’t forget and I won’t pretend, but I will wait. So, next time you’re lost in the dark and you feel alone remember that the stars are always there to remind you of happier times between us. It's in the darkness that they shine, Riley. I'll be the star. I will join you in the darkness, and together we will find our way out."
She wraps her arms around me and holds me tight. We lie down beside each other for hours. Holding hands, looking up at the stars on her ceiling and unsure of what would happen next. All I know is that I didn’t want this to be my last night with her. I don’t want to leave her again. I want forever with her. Can we really heal if we are apart?
CHAPTER 11
Will I always feel this way? Haunted in my sleep by Dean and daydreaming about Josh when I’m awake.
Josh and I hold each other for what seems like hours. I keep dozing off—trying and failing to remain awake. I’m so exhausted. He eventually kisses the side of my head and tells me he is going to sleep on the couch. We are friends after all and he is being a gentleman. A gentleman that says all these sweet words that make me want to throw caution to the wind and be vulnerable.
“No, I need you here with me. I sleep better like this,” I whine and snuggle close to him. His scent, his heartbeat and his arms holding me, make me feel safe. It’s natural.
He squeezes me to him and obliges. He kicks off his shoes then stands to remove his jeans. I lie on my back and undo my own, shimmying them down my legs while he watches. I see him swallow hard, and his chest rise and fall heavier than before, but that is the extent of his reaction. He takes off his shirt and I snatch it from his hands. Again, he doesn’t say anything. He just turns and watches me lift my tank top over my head and slip his shirt over my head, needing his scent on my skin.
I then reach to my back to unclasp my bra, and do the trick of removing it under my shirt. He climbs back into my bed with me, gets under the covers and lets me rest my head on his bare chest where I listen to my music play until I fall asleep.
It's dark, cold and the strong smell of liquor nauseates me. I can't breathe. A hand is over my mouth, silencing my scream. He’s whispering awful things in my ear, and then he touches me.
“Riley, wake up. Baby, please…it’s just a dream. Wake up.” Someone is telling me, shaking me by my shoulders.
I sit up gasping for air as beads of sweat cover my body. He has the lamp flipped on and when I look over at him I see a scratch across his cheek.
“Oh, God. Josh?” I breathe the words and feel the bile rise in my throat. It burns. “Did I do that to you?” I ask shocked.
He shakes his head like it’s nothing. “I’m okay,” he runs a trembling hand into his hair. “Are you?” He asks, now reaching his hand out to comfort me but then retracting it. He’s afraid to touch me? Why?
I’m not. What the hell was that? I wipe the cold sweat off of my forehead and shiver. “I’m sorry I scratched you. I don’t know why I did that. I…I don’t know.”
“You were dreaming. You were crying into my chest and it woke me up. I could feel you trembling. I tried to roll you off of me so I could wake you up and you clawed at my face and started to fight me. You were telling me, ‘no’ and begging me not to touch you. You were dreaming of him, weren’t you?”
I gasp, my hand flying to my mouth. My body is covered in a cold sweat and shivering. “I don’t remember,” I lie. My stomach is turning and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
Josh sits up and looks me directly in the eyes. “I don’t believe you.” He cautiously watches me, scooting closer to me. “Can I hold you?” he asks, still reluctant to touch me.
I nod, climbing onto his lap, desperately needing contact with him—just him. He holds me until the trembling ceases. When we lay back down, he runs his fingers through my hair over and over again as he hums a soft song—it’s soothing. He kisses my forehead and then each of my eyelids. I snuggle into the crook of his arm and try to fall back asleep but I’m afraid.
I shut my eyes to the images I want to forget. I hate it and so I leave them open. “Josh?” I whisper after a beat. I know he’s not sleeping. His breathing is still too erratic, his heart too fast underneath my cheek.
He pulls me tighter. “Yeah?”
“If I tell you what he did, if you knew. Will it change the way you look at me?”
He rolls us to our sides where we are both looking at one another, our legs tangled, our breaths mingled. A soft glow from the outside window shines in my room, casting shadows across my wall. I feel like that, like I’m being chased by shadows. “Not at all, baby.” His voice is so sincere and the way he touches my cheek and looks at me, I know he means it.
I take a deep breath, wanting him to know, but not wanting to say it. “I was so pissed before we left that night. Collin and Emily were just so happy. I had to listen to their happy endings more than once and it killed me. Collin never said you were in town. He never told me, Josh. I never would have acted that way. I hope you know that.”
He tucks my hair behind my ear. “I told him not to tell you. That’s my fault. I knew Emily was going to drag you to the party. She didn’t know I was here and Collin wanted her to be happy. I meant to come surprise you and then the baby came. If I had come to you then—”
“Shhh…” I place my finger to his lips. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine for being so reckless. I saw him there watching me. I knew better and yet I ignored that voice that told me to be careful. I don’t even know how many different drinks I had, or even of what. I was taking glasses from anyone that gave them to me. I just wanted to shut down and not care anymore.”
He curses and pulls me closer. “And Dean got to you.”
“Yes. I didn’t kiss him, Josh. Not on purpose, I promise.”
He kisses my forehead. “I know.”
“He told me he would bring me to my mom’s. I don’t know why I thought that could even be the truth when we were an hour away. I wasn’t thinking clearly, obviously. I don’t even remember getting into his car, or why he was even driving a car instead of his bike. Well, I knew when I woke up in his apartment that he lied to me. I was just so tired, though. I could barely keep my eyes open. It was like things were popping in and out of focus. I fell asleep, I think.” I begin to shake as the memories of what happened next assault me. “He was saying things to me when I woke up. His hand was over my mouth and I couldn’t breathe. He kissed my neck, then my mouth. His breath was different than it had been earlier in the night. He had been drinking a lot because not only could I taste it I could smell it. I realized that my clothes were gone when I could feel his skin on mine and I knew I was in trouble.” I suck in a staggering breath, pausing to breathe through the pain of everything I remember. I close my eyes as tears escape and Josh wipes them away.
“Tell me the rest,” he says in a strained voice.
I open my eyes slowly and prepare to break his heart with my words. I know it will because our hearts beat as one, and my own is broken right now. “He touched me…and I cried out. I tried to fight. I begged. I told him no. But he kept touching me with his fingers. I knew what he was going to do and I knew I wasn’t s
trong enough to stop it. So, I closed my eyes and I hummed. I hummed because I couldn’t stand the sounds he was making, the words he was saying. He was right there. I felt it and I waited for him to ruin me. Then my phone rang. He rolled away from me like the sound freaked him out. Then he threw up nearby. He said he was drunk and he thought he was dreaming. He said a lot of things.”
I’m crying and Josh is pulling me into his chest. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. So sorry,” he says it over and over again as he holds me to his chest. He rubs gentle strokes along my back and he comforts me the only way he can. Then he cocoons me in his warmth, wrapping his body around me like a blanket. “Never again,” he says. “Never, ever again.”
I’m in my bed staring at the ceiling with a whirlwind of thoughts. Josh just left and I feel a lot of things. None of which are happy, or peaceful. He knows everything now.
When we woke up this morning, I hugged him and he hugged me. It wasn’t a typical kind of hug. It was the kind of hug that you give someone when you’re afraid that embrace will be the last. When you think that embrace will help protect the other from others, from themselves. Then, before he left, he kissed me. He kissed my lips like if he didn’t he wouldn’t survive. Like the taste of my mouth was as necessary as breathing air for him. It was the desperate kiss from months ago. I’ve missed it.
We ate breakfast together. Nothing special. Rice Krispies cereal because it was basically all that I had in the pantry, and of course, coffee. We were both quiet. Creepy quiet. I didn’t want him to leave. He didn’t want to leave. Neither of us knew what would happen next for us. Just that it was happening. We were once again going in different directions—tugged apart. This time not as boyfriend and girlfriend, not as a couple, but friends—best friends. Best friends who held one another all through the night, chasing away the demons that lurked in the dark with wishes and whispers of regret. Best friends who had just kissed each other so passionately, so thoroughly, so intimately that the lines were already blurred.
“So…” we both said in unison after a silent torturous minute ticked by. He knew everything. He knew, and even though he promised not to look at me differently, he did anyway. That look in his eyes broke my heart.
We both chuckled nervously. We were sitting at the kitchen table on borrowed time. Breakfast was the last thing on either of our minds, but it was what it was. We needed to eat, I guess.
My laugh fizzled out when he leant forward, putting his coffee mug down. He formed a steeple with his fingers under his chin and then tilted his head to the side. “So, I leave today,” he said. I sat up straighter. “You do,” I stated. As if I could have forgotten that fact.
He placed his hands down on the table and started drumming his fingers. “I don’t know when I will be able to come back. I’d like to call you and work on some stuff.”
I lifted a shoulder and nodded my head. “I’d like you to call me,” I said. I’d like to come with you is what I wanted to say. Run far away from here with you. Just you.
He stared into my eyes like he was trying to climb inside of me. He always did that. “I’m worried about you. I’m leaving when you need me the most.”
I sighed and looked away as I fought the urge to cry. “We’ve had a great morning, Josh. Just let it be that. Okay?” I knew he was worried about me, probably even more worried after my nightmare and everything he knew, but I wanted to say goodbye with a smile not shedding tears.
He sighed heavily and said, “No, it’s not okay. You needed me and I wasn’t there. Then shit happened and I let you down again. I never should have written any of it in a letter. I should have told you face to fucking face what I felt. Maybe, things wouldn’t have happened. I don’t want to go.” He looked to the microwave where our ticking time bomb was—the hour, the minute, the second we said goodbye—not goodbye, but not sure when. “You need me now and it’s killing me because once again I won’t be here for you.”
My mouth opened and shut, the words trapped somewhere. I didn’t want us to be those people that looked back with regret. Thought about the ‘what if’s.’ We were though.
He took a sip of his coffee and I took a bite of my cereal. Sip. Crunch. Swallow. Silence. I didn’t know what to say to right that wrong for both of us, or how to remedy our separation. It wasn’t fixable. The words were lodged in my throat, all of them. His eyes were on me, studying my reaction, waiting for me to have one. Beautiful hazel eyes that penetrated every layer. Always trying to peel each away until my soul was bare and naked to him.
I didn’t speak. I didn’t look up from my bowl of Rice Krispies that were speaking to me in their own language. Telling me to stop this madness and tell him we were more before he left. We were so much more. Tell him that I couldn’t survive as just his friend. Tell him that I needed him. Needed him like I needed air to breathe. Tell him everything that I kept locked up tight for months. My heart was begging me to not let him leave without knowing it.
“It’s like we’re on two different sides of the ocean now,” he said, misunderstanding my silence as distance. The past few months had felt like that. Like the ocean was swallowing me up and he was nowhere to be found, but not now. Now, it felt like he was my life raft and he wanted to save me. I was just too afraid to let him. “You scared me last night, Riley. I’m even more terrified to go. I wish so many things. I know you were dreaming of hi—,”
“DON’T!” I snapped as I wiped at the tear that had escaped unbidden. I didn’t want to think of him. Ever. Just like Josh said last night…never again.
I sighed and lowered my voice not wanting to wake up Emily. “Don’t, please. I don’t want to talk about that. You’re right. It is like we are on two sides of the ocean. Except for me it’s more like I’m in the ocean and I’m swimming against the current trying so hard to grab a hold of something. Anything. I keep trying to breathe but I’m going under and losing my breath. I’m struggling and there is no one there to grab my hand anymore. I’m abandoned. I’ve fallen under but then all of the sudden there’s this life raft. There you are trying to save me again. You help me breathe, but the island we are on is just temporary, Josh. You will go back to your end and I’ll be on mine. Apart. The island vanishes away.” He ran his hand over his face, but it was the facts. We didn’t live next door to one another anymore. We weren’t those two little kids who had to spend every day together playing cars, writing songs, baking brownies, kissing by a tree. This was real. This was life and we were being forced to grow up, grow apart. Would anything really be different if we gave this a go again?
The look in his eyes was killing me slowly. I took a breath, “Look, I’m okay. I will be at least. We can’t change this no matter how much we want to, not right now anyway. I understand and I forgive you for everything. I really do. We just need to learn how to not freak out every time something seems off. It’s not a forever goodbye,” I said in an unsure voice.
I hadn’t even realized I had tears streaming down my cheeks, or that he had his thumbs wiping them away. “I’m so sorry I left you alone and you felt abandoned. I don’t want you back in the ocean, struggling to breathe and fighting against the current anymore. I want you to reach for my hand and know that in a heartbeat, I’m here for you.” He took my hand and interlaced our fingers in between us. I stared at them wishing it were true. That I could grab his hand and climb out of this dark hold that had me captive. I shut my eyes and tried to talk myself into accepting him. When I opened my eyes all I saw was regret and love for me, and then he kissed me. He kissed me desperately, like he wanted to imprint his taste in my mouth so that I’d never forget it. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. It was frenzied, yet sweet. It was everything. And it was goodbye for now.
No matter how angry I am at Josh for what’s happened between us, I know that he just took my heart with him back to Louisiana…again. This time it feels final, my heart is permanently in his hands. I won’t ever get it back as just mine, and I don’t want to. It’s our hearts now—together entwined.
I just hope someday they beat on the same island where we exist only hand in hand.
So much has happened and we are such a mess that I’m not sure if this damage can be fixed, but I have to try to believe in us if I want to survive this thing we call life. Josh is my life whether I want to admit that to myself or not. We are closer than we were before this fucked up weekend and that’s something. I know we can’t go back to being the same way we once were, but if we fix us, then maybe there is a chance we can be better than we were before.
I read his letter again. I read it more than once, actually—countless times. I read it while I played my recording of him singing In My Veins just so I can hear his voice and not Dean’s. Every word is just so beautiful, but then I study it to memory. I dissect it so I can understand it all. His actions, his words—the pain we caused one another. I realized some things. Josh was curious about who he could be without me. He wanted to find himself and in the end he found that he needed me just as much as I needed him. He’s changed his mind since then, but for a brief moment he wondered how it would be if we weren’t together. That hurt me.
We were a couple for a short time. We are best friends for a lifetime. I hoped at least. We are, “Josh and Riley.” Simple.
Except it wasn’t. It isn’t anymore. Was it ever?
I don’t know who I am without him. Apart we are a mess, but together we are music, and now the music is missing. It’s skipping around and not making much sense. Not poetic.
Emerge into Forever Page 13