Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  He helps me adjust my bikini and there we sit rocking against the water…sated.

  After a few silent minutes I say, “You know I love you like I never thought possible, right? I don’t think I can remember a time when I didn’t love you, Josh.” I don’t know why I’m confessing this right now. I guess I just need him to know how strongly I feel. Everything will change between us—again—in an hour from now.

  He brushes his knuckles up my rib cage on both sides causing me to shiver. His head is examining me. “Yes, I know. No one will love me the way you do. And no one will love you the way I love you.” I smile softly and he taps my nose. “I don’t know where this is coming from, but I like it when you sweet talk me.”

  I start absent-mindedly tracing the tattoo on his arm, tracing my rose then placing a kiss there. I look into his eyes, “When did you know you were in love with me? Not just love me, but in love with me.”

  He again looks at me peculiar with his head tilted. “Why are you asking this?”

  I shrug, “I’m just curious.”

  He grins and wipes my damp hair off of my cheeks. “When did you realize you were in love with me?”

  “I hate when you do that, you know?”

  “Do what?”

  He’s goading me. “Josh! That. Answering my questions with questions.”

  He laughs and the sound makes me happy. “I know. That’s why I do it, pretty girl.”

  I give him a look that he calls the stink eye and he continues, “Okay, okay. When did I know I was in love with you? Well, that’s simple actually. When we kissed for the first time. I knew it then. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. It was like you had invaded my brain. I’d find myself staring at you and thinking things I hadn’t before. Asking you to kiss me was more a test of theory I think, but when you agreed and we did it…I knew then I wanted to do it again and again. I replayed it over and over in my mind. I found myself comparing that kiss to all kisses and well, your lips are the ones made for mine.” His eyes are on my lips right now. “What about you? When did you know you were in love with me?”

  I laugh nervously and look out towards the water. “Um…I’m embarrassed to say it, but uh, it was after the scrimmage before our freshman year. You gave me a hug and you were like so sweaty. You smelled like ass, and I realized that I didn’t care. I um…I kind of liked having your sweat on me. Then you showered and I really liked the way you smelled. When Laiken came and gave you a hug, I saw red. She was kind of into you and I thought you were into her, too. I felt this burning sensation in my chest, my face felt hot and I wanted to throttle her. I realized that it wasn’t rational, and so I started thinking about that, and the more I thought about it, the more I pictured you with her and hated it. Then you kissed me. Funny, right? You kissed me and I couldn’t breathe. I felt—,” my eyes shut as I remember it and I touch my lips feeling the memory burn on them. He leans down and kisses the corner of my mouth.

  “You felt what?” he whispers.

  My eyes flutter open and find him so close to me. “I felt on fire. The feeling wasn’t just on my lips. It was traveling and it took me by surprise how much I liked it. I was terrified. I knew I was in trouble.”

  “And now?” he asks so softly.

  “Now what?” I touch his face with my fingers.

  “Are you terrified?” he asks sincerely.

  I nod, “Yes, but for different reasons. I was terrified then because I didn’t think you felt the same way about me. We were best friends and you were kind of sort of dating “Get Laid” Laiken,” I air quote her nickname. “Now, I’m terrified because it’s so real and so right that I know if I ever lost you again I wouldn’t survive it. My heart beats in rhythm with yours.”

  He pulls me in for an embrace. “Never going to happen. You’re stuck with me.”

  I hope so because we’re connected entirely now. He just doesn’t know how much yet. “C’mon, we need to get back. They are going to think we drowned.”

  “Yeah, okay. Hey, isn’t it crazy that we both fell in love at the same moment and didn’t even know it?” he asks.

  “Not so much. Just more proof that we are something special.”

  “Sealed with a kiss,” he says, leaning down to kiss me one last time, telling me that I’m the one that is special and to never forget it.

  I’m holding my breath, literally holding my breath. Josh is sitting on the couch, holding the gift bag and looking around at all of us in this room with speculation. My sister and Joey don’t even know yet. But I knew I couldn’t tell them, they are blabbermouths.

  He’s pulling tissue paper out of the bag and grinning.

  Please, be grinning afterwards.

  “Jellybeans?” he asks, holding up a bag of Jelly Belly’s.

  I shrug and he shakes his head diving back into the bag. “Gummy bears?” he asks, even more confused now.

  “M’hm. Keep going,” I anxiously bounce my knee and wave toward the bag.

  I see him looking at ‘the items’ and I’m trying to read his expression, but it’s difficult when he’s so impassive. He pulls from the bag two sets of tiny crocheted booties, one pair in pink and another in blue. He touches the material and looks thoughtful to the bags of candy beside him. He doesn’t say anything yet because a card is in the bag and his hands are reaching for it. His eyes flick to mine quickly before opening the card. As always things happen to us that are unexpected. Read the poem and you will know my secret.

  IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS

  IN SEVEN MONTHS WE WILL SEE SOMETHING PINK, MAYBE BLUE

  NOT A JELLYBEAN, BUT OUR OWN SOMETHING TO SHARE

  CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE GOING TO BE A DADDY

  MEET YOUR GUMMY BEAR!

  I watch him touch the sonogram of a blob of white among the black.

  “I don’t see it,” I had told the nurse when she showed me our baby on the screen. She pointed right at that blob of white, “Right there. That is your baby,” she told me. My baby. My baby. Words that were replaying in my head over and over and over again since I found out. I was freaking out because Josh and I had just gone to the amusement park that week. I didn’t know I was pregnant and was worried that I had hurt our gummy bear, but everything checked out and it was a blessing—an unexpected blessing that had been growing in my belly since May. My sickness wasn’t the flu after all. I was pregnant. “How did this happen? I’m on the pill,” I said. She explained that the medications I had been on could have altered the strength of my birth control. “It happens,” she told me like that wasn’t life altering information.

  His eyes are teary when he finally looks up at me. “You’re…?”

  I nod wiping the tears that are now falling from my eyes.

  “Pregnant?” he asks and I nod again.

  He holds the picture up, “This is my gummy bear?” he asks. I nod. Words are in my head, but I can’t make my mouth move.

  “Wow! I…Wait!” He begins looking around the room at the faces surrounding us. They are waiting for his reaction. “Did y’all know?” he asks, pointing to a few. They shake their heads. I only told my mom and Em. “A baby. We’re going to have a baby?”

  I nod again and look up at him as he stands from the couch, glancing down at me. Then he does this thing that makes my heart melt. He falls to his knees in front of me and lifts my shirt. He kisses my tummy and says, “Hey, Gummy Bear. I’m your Daddy. Your Mommy has lots of explaining to do,” he says, looking up at me.

  I can’t stop crying. “Are you happy?” I ask him.

  He places his hands on my cheeks and wipes his thumbs under my eyes. “Very. I’m shocked, but yes. That’s my baby in your belly.” His smile is contagious then it falters and fear replaces it. My heart drops. He grabs me by the hand and pulls me into the kitchen where we are alone. “What we did out there? You should have told me. What if we hurt the baby?” He’s waving to the door outside and looking wild with concern.

  Aww… I grab his cheeks and my eyes bo
unce between his. “We didn’t. I promise. You’re happy? Are you sure you’re happy?”

  He lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his waist as he buries his head in my hair. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life,” he says.

  “Can we celebrate now? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. Oh, my God. You’re going to be a mommy. Like when did you find out? How far along are you? You’re not showing so it can’t be that far yet. And OMG! So cute…Gummy Bear. You’re calling your baby, Gummy Bear.” Tatum in her very Tatum fashion speaks a mile a minute, shooting questions at rapid speed.

  I just hug her.

  It’s strange, this thing called life. It changes so quickly from one page to the next, shifting us this way and that. Some changes are happy and some are sad. Many are unexpected while some are planned. Josh has been the thing in my life that never stayed on the map. Chasing. Pushing. Pulling, falling and finally surrendering to our chaos. This fickle way we’ve existed for the past several years has finally been settled.

  Now, we are on the same map, on the same road, in the same truck heading down a path together. Our hands held, our hearts entwined and our love so beautiful it’s breathtaking. A love so intense, so deep that it’s now its own creation growing as a tiny human in my belly.

  One day he or she will have arms and legs—a baby who might have my eyes or his. Lots of maybes and possibilities, but one thing is for certain—he or she will be loved—will become the little ad-lib in our song. It’s perfect. Finally, we can emerge out from under the tears and the wreckage of broken hearts. We are mended and beautiful. Forever.

  EPILOGUE

  One Year Later – July 4th

  Nerves, nerves…so many damn nerves.

  I don’t know what had led me to the cemetery that day last March. One minute I was running to our spot to clear my head and the next thing I knew I was opening the iron gates to the entrance where my mom rested in a permanent state of slumber. Seeking answers and resolution. Not much different from today, although, on that day I could only assume I had the answers I was looking for. Today, I don’t want to assume. I don’t really need any answer other than one. She’s mine and I want that written in stone. In blood. In name.

  The sky had been an eerie array of colors and lightening flashed horizontally in the distance creating a rumble of thunder. It was both chilly and damp, dew covering the grass as I walked. Fog rising above the graves sent a shiver up my spine, though I wasn’t afraid to be there. Just that I’d never been there at night before.

  I’d spent time talking with my mom about life, about my football career, or loss of one. I’d told her everything, leaving nothing out. I believed she’d be proud of me regardless of my shortcomings. I sat there, lying against her tombstone thinking of my future and all I wanted from it. No matter which direction my thoughts went, the image of Riley as mine forever shined brightly like a neon sign. I wanted to claim her as mine and only mine. I wanted abiding and everlasting love with her and only her. I didn’t want to lose time, have regrets or wait any longer to start our forever.

  We weren’t like most couples that could go slow, take our time and wait for perfect timing. No, we were breathless, constantly pushing and pulling and fighting against time. Our love was a force field that took a painful beating from years of doubt, lies and manipulation, but we overcame it. Together we could and would overcome anything. I needed to solidify us. I needed more. With her I always wanted more.

  “I love your daughter, sir,” I’d said to Riley’s dad, sitting at his grave, finding myself there somehow. “I love her more than I ever thought it was capable of loving someone. She’s in my every thought, in my veins and the reason I breathe. If you were here alive today, I’d be sweating bullets by what I want to ask you. Hell, I’m nervous now.”

  The sounds of the night rang out in the air. Wind whistling and whooshing, owls hooting and crickets chirping, yet I’d heard none of it over my thundering heartbeat and heavy breathing. “I want to ask her to marry me, Mr. Evan. I want her to be my wife and to spend her life with me forever. You always said you thought I was good for her, and I hope you still agree. I remember a conversation you and I had before you died. You told me that I’d figure it out one day, and when I asked you what you meant you said, ‘That she’s special and one of a kind.’ I didn’t reply to you then because well, I was fourteen and didn’t want you to know that I already knew that. I didn’t want you to know that I had secret feelings for her, which I didn’t quite understand at the time. You knew, though. So, here I am asking you for permission to ask your daughter to marry me. I don’t know when, but someday. She’s the one for me. She’s always been the one,” I’d told him. The wind blew really hard at just that moment, if ever slightly more chilly than the actual night air, and I’d believe that was his answer wrapping around me like a security blanket. Giving me the permission and the blessing I’d desired.

  I went back to her home, watched her sleep and wrote her a song. All of my songs become hers.

  IN HER WORLD LOVE IS TEMPORARY

  FOREVER ISN’T EVEN IN THE VOCABULARY

  IN MY WORLD, SHE IS LOVE

  SHE IS FOREVER

  ALL IS POSSIBLE WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER

  STARS ARE HUNG JUST FOR US

  SINGING BRIGHT WHEN THINGS GET ROUGH

  GUIDING HER BACK TO ME, BACK HOME

  BACK INTO THE ARMS WHERE SHE BELONGS

  THE MUSIC LIES UNDERNEATH

  THE MANY MOMENTS WHEN WE CAN’T BREATHE

  SHE’S THE MELODY

  I’M THE HARMONY

  OUR RHYTHM BECOMES EVERYTHING

  I HAVE TO FIND HER IN THE DARK

  NOTHING WORKS WHEN WE’RE APART

  SHOW HER BEAUTY

  REGAIN HER TRUST

  IMMERSE HER IN ALL OF MY LOVE

  PROVE HER WRONG

  THIS IS REAL

  LET THE MUSIC HELP US HEAL

  BONDING, YET BARELY BREATHING

  IN ANOTHER MOMENT ALL TOO FLEETING

  NO MISTAKE

  NO REGRETS

  NO MORE LIES

  NO MORE THREATS

  NO MORE MILES IN BETWEEN

  A FINAL MOMENT FOR US TO SING

  HAND IN HAND, HEARTS ENTWINED

  THE PAST LET GO AND LEFT BEHIND

  IN BREATHS AND HEARTBEATS, OUR LIFE IS MEASURED

  NOT FAILURES OR MILES, BUT IN MOMENTS WE SHARED TOGETHER

  SHE ERASED THE DOUBT, AND I EMBRACED THE MOMENT

  SHIFTING APART, THEN SHIFTING TOGETHER

  CAN WE FINALLY EMERGE INTO FOREVER?

  Here I am again sharing my unexpected blessing with him and now her. My mom. Knowing we have emerged into our forever and our forever is beautiful. I’m standing at the cemetery with our Gummy Bear in her carrier while Riley talks to her dad alone before we leave to go to the Rockin 4th where I will be playing again this year.

  “Hey, Mom. I want you to meet someone. Her name is Hope Elaine Parker. We gave her your middle name, Mom. And Hope because that is what Riley and I have now. Our love is always full of hope and promise. We did it, Mom. We’ve come so far and today I’m going to make it official the best way I know how. I love and miss you so much. Wish you were here to hold your grandbaby. She’d love you. You were always the best mom.”

  I tell my daughter, “Gummy Bear, that’s your grandma.” She’s sleeping peacefully in her carrier without a care in the world. “She’s not here with us, but she loves you very much.”

  “She’d be so proud of you,” Riley says as she quietly comes up behind me. I pull her into the front of me and rest my chin on the top of her head, interlacing our fingers onto her stomach.

  “Thanks, babe. Your dad would be amazed by you. I think they are watching over us. Righting some wrongs from heaven and giving us nudges in the right direction, don’t you?”

  She turns her body to face me and wraps her hands around my neck, looking longingly and full of unconditional love for me. “I know so. We are right
where we are meant to be—together and happy.”

  I brush my hands to her cheeks, tucking the hair behind her ears. “I love you beyond words, Riley.”

  “I know and I love you. You ready?” she asks.

  We both look down at our bundle of joy with a smile. She’s so cute today wearing a white Onesie with a patriotic guitar on the front and script that says, Daddy’s Rock Star. Riley also made her a red, white and blue tutu to match. She’s girly and rocker chick. Like her mom.

  At the park, now I’m watching Riley set up the blanket in the front row and a tiny tent to go over our Gummy Bear. It’s hotter than hell today, and I’m a bundle of nerves. She has no idea what I have planned and I hope that she doesn’t freak out. We’ve come so far in a year, though. We bought a house together in Plano. We have a daughter, a beautiful addition to our beautiful story. Riley started teaching piano lessons to young kids for fun, and has even sold a few of her songs to other artists. We have both been signed by Genesis Records and are working on our albums. I still can’t wrap my mind around that huge accomplishment for the both of us. It’s a memory that I will hold dear for the rest of my life. So much has happened and I can’t help but look at them and remember how far we’ve come.

  I was playing at The Dark Days on open mic night, and the guy that I saw at the bar in Baton Rouge was in the crowd. He approached me after my set and this time he introduced himself. “I knew the day I saw you play last July that you would become something amazing,” he said.

  I must have made a face of confusion because he clarified, “I gave you my card, but you never made contact.”

  “That was you?” I asked, in disbelief.

  He nodded, “So, I came to you. I have an offer for you, and I sure hope you take it,” he said.

  I did and a mere few months later Riley was also signed to their label after her cover of Breathe Again by Sara Bareilles went viral.

  Okay, and for the record…our daughter, Hope, is adorable. She has Riley’s eyes, my nose and a mixture of our hair. She has the cutest personality and makes the most adorable little facial expressions. Like right now, her thing is squishing her nose up. Every time she does it we snort and laugh, which has become a little game of sorts.