“You’re breaking my heart right now. How is that right?” she sobbed out.
I reached for her and gathered her to my chest. Her arms snaked around me, and I contemplated stealing her away forever. But I couldn’t. I was the bigger person here, and this would enable all of us to move on.
“This is goodbye, isn’t it?” Her voice rumbled against my chest.
She felt so right, pressed against my body and protected by my arms. If there were a way to freeze this moment, I would have done. I stepped back but kept our hands joined in front of us. “Yeah. I couldn’t drag this out, I’m sorry.”
“I thought we’d have the summer. You always made it special.”
“We always made it special. But it’s complicated, and I’m tired of watching what I say and do around you, Grace. It hurts too much. This is the best for all of us. Maddison as well. I’ve done the hard part.”
“When will I see you again?” She looked down at our joined hands and examined them as if she was trying to work out how to separate one from the other.
“I don’t know. But I need to go because nobody is truly happy right now, and that’s all I want for you.”
“We can find a way. It will get easier… or…”
“Shhh. It’s done. But I can’t leave without doing this.”
I cupped her head in my hands and kissed her gently, cradling her like the precious being she was. As my lips pressed against hers, I felt her body soften, surrendering to my actions. Years of pent-up anguish and need coursed through me at finally tasting her—feeling her against my skin. She was soft and warm and tasted of strawberries.
But it was a stolen moment—one etched permanently on my soul. I pulled away, ending the all-too-brief kiss that would now replace the one that had been haunting me these past weeks.
Her eyes glistened with more tears as I drank her in, desperate to memorise every last detail of her face. She didn’t realise this wasn’t a temporary goodbye. She believed that in a few months, I might visit or we’d be in contact again.
Call me a coward, but I couldn’t tell her the full truth—that the only way to get over Grace Shaw was to cut her from my life completely. Along with the brother I’ve spent half of my life fighting with, over her.
Love, to some, means sacrifice. Well, I’d just paid the highest price.
Chapter 15
Grace 19 Years Old
It would be the first birthday since I’d moved here that I hadn’t celebrated with both Oliver and Maddison. It was our tradition—the three of us doing everything together. Cake, cards and sometimes presents, although the presents weren’t the important thing.
And this year, I had to do it with somebody missing. A pressure seized my chest as it dawned on me how much I missed him. And how much I wished I’d not taken his presence in my life for granted. He’d always been by my side, even when he was away at university. I let out a sad breath.
The long summer stretched before me, but this year, instead of drawing energy and comfort from my favourite time of year, misery hung over me like an autumn cloud. It would be months before I went back to Uni myself, although really, going back didn’t change much, it just gave me a structure to the day.
The Ray’s invited me over to their house for my birthday tea, so I tried to look forward to that rather than the circumstances.
As I walked up to the door, part of me hoped that Oliver would surprise us and turn up as my gift. But as my silly head thought the fairy tale up, I knew it wouldn’t happen. He hadn’t said all those things to me, underlined with words explaining why he had to do this, just to disappear for a few weeks, before coming back.
“Happy Birthday, Grace. Come in, come in.” Vivien answered the door and welcomed me, giving me a quick hug before I headed on through to the kitchen. I’d been here plenty of times before without Oliver, or Maddison, but the house felt empty all of a sudden. Like the life had vanished from the very walls.
“Is Maddison here?”
“Yes, he’s upstairs. You know the way. Dinner will be about ten minutes.”
I smiled and went to find Mads. We hadn’t resumed our regular lunch dates of late, and, despite the river of confusion running between us, I missed him. Now, more than ever.
My knuckles tapped on the door before I turned the handle and announced myself. “Hi,” I said. I scanned the room, and my eyes dropped down to see Mads on the floor, doing press-ups. The exertion tightened the muscles through his shoulders and back after every rep. It was a sight, but I felt weird ogling him behind his back, so I knocked harder to try and get his attention. He still didn’t acknowledge me, and I finally saw why. Ear pods were blocking me out. Not wanting to startle him, I crept farther into the room and took a seat on the bed. He finally caught my movement and stopped, turning his music off and smiling at me.
“Hey, didn’t hear you.” He took a few deep breaths and grabbed a t-shirt that he’d draped over the back of his desk chair.
“Your mum says dinner will be ready in a few minutes. I wanted to catch up before, as we’ve not spoken in a while.” My eyes danced around the room, avoiding his bare skin until he was covered.
“No. I got that impression.” He turned away towards his desk.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He’d been just as bad as me, choosing when to respond to me or not. Plus, I’d not wanted to talk to anyone much since Oliver left.
He turned back to me and levelled me with a stare that warmed every inch of my skin. “Just that you’ve barely answered my texts since the fight. The night I kissed you.”
I looked away, my cheeks flushing at the memory. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shut you out.”
“Oliver talked to you?”
“Yeah. Before he left. What about you?”
“Nope. Guess he assumed you’d fill me in on anything I needed to know.” He looked at me expectantly. He seemed… angry, or at the least, tense about something.
“He just said that he felt it would be better to leave. He’s got a graduate job at a company in London.”
“Anything else?”
I wasn’t about to tell Maddison that he’d kissed me, too. Although when I thought back to that kiss, it felt like a goodbye, not a declaration of something more. Not like the way Maddison had kissed me.
God, I’m an awful person. I was standing in front of one of my best friends, thinking about his kiss compared to his brother’s. This was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid all my life, but it had happened anyway. Like the harder I tried to stop it, the more likely it became. There had been rumours when we were at school about a couple of the girls moving from one boy to the next. They’d always received snide remarks and whispered comments. But they didn’t hide their intentions. Every boy and girl in the school knew their game. What I’d done was so much worse because I knew they both had feelings for me. And I had them in return.
Maybe it would have been better for me to leave rather than Oliver.
I looked back at Maddison and shook my head. “Just that he thought it would be best for everyone if he left now. What did he tell your folks?”
“Same thing, really. Job’s started. Didn’t want to wait. Good for him.”
“Yeah. Shall we go down? I’m starving.” I changed the subject.
“Sure. As long as you let me take you out for a drink after dinner. Call it a birthday gift. Now I’ve got you talking, I don’t want to give you up.”
His comment made me still, and I couldn’t help the warmth it brought out in me until I remembered the last time he’d taken me out and how that had ended.
“Okay.” I offered a weak smile, and he followed me out and down to the kitchen.
“Happy birthday!”
The cheer went up from Maddison’s parents, and we all took a seat at the table. The rich smells of baked tomatoes, cheese, and garlic made my stomach rumble as I looked forward to our meal. Vivien might have cooked lasagne for me a hundred times already, but it didn’t matter. I loved
it.
It was a small thing, but the normality of this made the day a little easier, and after I’d stuffed my face, I felt a whole lot better. The worry of sitting here without Oliver eased.
“I hope you left room for chocolate cake, Grace?”
“Only yours, Vivien. It’s the best cake in the world.” And I wasn’t lying.
After dinner, Maddison ushered me out of the house, and he drove us to a local pub. Not what I had expected, but a marked improvement over the last venue. The building was all timber and glass, trying to be a restaurant over the pub it started as. We both ordered a bottle of beer and moved to the sofa off to one side.
“Cheers.” We clinked.
“Happy birthday.”
“Thank you.” I watched as his eyes flashed to the silver chain still wrapped around my wrist. I never took it off.
“I have an idea I want to run past you. And I want you to actually think about it before you give me your answer, agreed?” He turned to stare at me, giving me no room to be vague with my response.
“Okay.” I agreed, although a sinking feeling opened up in my stomach at the idea I’d just set myself up in his trap.
“What are you doing next year for Uni?”
“The same. One year down, two to go, Mads,” I answered, confused.
“Yeah, but don’t you all move out during that time? Get your own place?”
“I’m living at home. I don’t need to move out because it’s the same as it’s always been. No change. It’s not like I’m in halls.”
“Okay, look.” He shuffled forward and twisted farther around to face me. “I’ve been thinking of moving out. Sure, being at home has its advantages —”
“Yeah, like no rent and free food,” I mocked and took a long sip of beer.
“I pay rent. And it’s not always lasagne and cake. I can cook a half-decent stir-fry or spag bol. Maybe.”
“Good to know,” I giggled.
“But seriously, I want my own place. I’m earning some decent money, at least enough to get a place, and think it’s the right time. It would be even better if we shared.”
“Shared what?” I looked at him, a little lost.
“Shared the place. You know, housemates. Rent would be cheaper. We can look out for each other.”
His words repeated in my mind. Did he really just ask me to move in with him?
“Don’t look so confused. It’s not that hard to understand. You’re my best friend. You should be off at Uni somewhere, but for whatever reason, you stayed here at home. I’m not going to push, but you deserve to spread your wings.”
“And you want me to do it with you?”
He gave me a sexy grin that made it hard for me to start planning my excuses. “Yes, I do. As friends. I think we both need this.” He took my hand in his, and my heart gave a big thud in my chest.
I pulled my hand back and got busy with my drink, running through the objections that sprung to mind. I’d never wanted to move in with anyone. I’d been perfectly happy in my little world, but Maddison had smashed that wide open. Could I?
“As friends?” I asked timidly, making sure I understood this. We still hadn’t spoken about the kiss—the kiss that burned through my senses and ignited a flame in the centre of my heart before I fell back to reality.
“Sure.” His response was immediate and clipped.
“Why don’t I quite believe you when you say that?” My eyes scrutinised his, watching the depths of his gaze. He broke first, turning away.
“Come on, Grace. Let’s not go there now.”
“If we’re going to live together, I think we should know where we both stand, don’t you?”
“Fine. You know how I feel about you. I know how you feel about me, and we seem to be dancing around what’s right in front of us. But that’s your call.”
“You’re putting all of this on me?” My irritation was clear.
“Do you want me to be honest or not?”
“Yes, but things aren’t always as simple as you make out, Mads.”
“Why can’t they be? That’s what I don’t get.”
“Fine. You don’t get it.” I looked at his empty bottle of beer. “You done?”
“Yeah, time to leave,” he grumbled.
How could he not see that this was far from simple?
The quick journey home passed in silence, but the tension was palpable—like a physical pulse between us. Maddison pulled up outside of my house but left the car running, his eyes pointing straight ahead with a determined glare on his face, the square of his jaw tense and unmoving.
As I left the car, the overwhelming urge to lash out at him took hold. With my grip still on the door, I bent down and took aim. “Thanks for the birthday drink.” I slammed the door on Maddison’s response and turned to the house, slamming that door behind me as well.
“Hey, hey, that’s not what I want to hear on your birthday.”
“Sorry, Mum.”
“What happened at the Rays’? Not like you to come back in a mood, or without cake.” Her voice rose in mock horror as she clocked my empty hands.
“Sorry… I went for a drink with Maddison.”
“Ahh, so that’s the reason for the door abuse.”
I walked past and flumped onto the sofa. Bob trotted through the house and hopped up to sit on my lap, realising I was now home.
“Want to talk about it?” Mum called from the kitchen.
“He asked me to move in with him,” I blurted it out, ripping the bandage off. Perhaps, the more I said it, the easier it would be to figure out the right answer. I focused on Bob, who was padding a little nest on my lap with his claws, ready to settle in for the night.
“Move in?” Mum appeared, and the worry on her face stood out a mile.
“Yeah. He’s getting his own place and thought it would be a good idea for us to move in together. What do you think?”
Mum returned with two mugs of tea. “Well, where? That’s my first question. You know how I feel about you moving away.” She handed me the mug and sat down next to me.
“We didn’t get to that part. Just the principle of the idea.”
“He’s one of your best friends. He’d be able to look after you.”
“Mum, you’re talking like I’m a damsel in need of someone to protect her.”
She gave me a pointed glare. Of course, that was how she saw me. I was her daughter, and I’d given her no reason to believe that I was capable of standing up for myself. I’d never needed to.
“Look, if it’s local and still out of the city, I can’t really complain. I’ll worry, but you’ve sacrificed moving away because of my paranoid fear over your father. I can’t keep you locked in the house for the rest of your life. As much as I’d be happy with that.” I leaned against her shoulder, suddenly feeling like I was saying goodbye to her.
“So, if I choose to go, you’d be okay with it?”
“It sounds to me like you might be looking for an excuse to say no?”
“It’s just… I’m not sure… it’s complicated,” I huffed out and leaned my head back on the cushions with a sigh.
“Boys tend to do that to us. What does your heart say?”
“Heart? Oh, it’s not like that. We’re just friends.”
“Are you sure about that? I know you’ve been friends with those two forever, but I see the way they are around you. They’d do anything for you.”
“Well, it’s just Maddison now.” The sour edge to my voice broke through, and I wondered if I was ever going to get over Oliver leaving. I’d allowed him to make me despondent about everything since he left when really, I should be mad at him. Did him leaving mean I should stand still until he came back? That’s not what he told me he wanted, although I’d picked over the words he said a hundred times, there was always another way to look at them. The repetition didn’t stop me feeling stuck. Maybe this was the way to un-stick myself and move on?
“And what’s wrong with Maddison?”
&n
bsp; Wasn’t that the question? But it shouldn’t be about picking one over the other. And if I were ever to make a choice, shouldn’t that choice be because I was in love with one of them. Totally and irrevocably, not just because my choice had been removed and left me with an aching heart in place of a burning love I couldn’t fight?
“Nothing. I just don’t know what to do for the best.”
“Well, what would the harm be to move in? Try being friends together. If things develop, then go with it. If they don’t, well, that’s fine too. And know you’ll always have a place here.” She put her arm around me, offering me comfort that I was starving for right now.
“That sounds sensible.”
“Well, that’s my job. To make the sensible decisions.”
And as she hugged me, I hoped, with everything left in my heart that I was making the right decision, to let nature take its course. To give my heart the time to make the choice it wanted and to stop fighting the direction it might take me in.
Chapter 16
Grace 19 Years Old
It had been over three months since I’d heard from Oliver. The longest time we’d ever gone without talking to one another. But my life hadn’t ended. I still got up in the morning, went to work, finished my assignments for Uni, and made time for Maddison.
Since our birthday talk, it’d been hard because there was an expectancy between us. Or rather, from him. I’d agreed that we could look at finding a place to move into, and if we found one, then I’d make a decision. It was all I could offer for now, and I might be stalling for time, but I still hadn’t come to terms with the thought of living together. After losing Oliver, I didn’t want to ruin my friendship with Maddison because we’d moved too fast.
We’d been checking out places to rent close to home. Two-bed apartments or houses were few and far between unless we wanted to pay a small fortune and blow our budget. And even during all the looking, I still wavered on my commitment, hoping something would come along and jolt me into making the decision.
The Two Halves of my Heart: A Friends-to-Lovers Romance Page 13