Next, the guilt shifted to me being alive while Maddison wasn’t. That made less sense to me than blaming myself, but it didn’t stop me from wallowing in it for a few weeks. I cursed Maddison this time, angry that he’d left me after promising to be with me forever. But I had ended our relationship because of the path he was following, so the guilt fell back on me. Again.
And the final phase of my guilt was over Oliver.
Maddison and I had broken up, but that didn’t stop me loving him. I wasn’t sure when I’d stopped loving Oliver, and like always, when I needed him the most, he was there for me. He’d held my hand as we’d fought for Maddison. He’d kept me safe when all I could see was Maddison’s body lying dead in front of me. And he’d been the one that refused to give up on my hopelessness, reminding me constantly that there was something to live for.
And the guilt overtook, shutting down everything in my body until I felt sick because through all of this tragedy and pain, I could see a way out, with my heart beating again. Not intact, but repaired, because Oliver would love me until he mended every last fissure and break of my heart, and it was so hard to fight my feelings from re-kindling when he was so determined to show me how he still loved me.
It hadn’t even been a year since Maddison had passed. Surely, that wasn’t enough time to wait? And I shouldn’t be having any kind of thoughts of happiness until I’d finished grieving.
But my love story with Oliver was stitched into the fabric of our past and the friendship we’d formed in childhood. It was such a pivotal part of my life—it shaped who I was as a person, what I want to do with my life. It was hard to ignore the draw of familiarity when everything around me had crumbled into darkness.
I’d read countless times that people were only destined to have one great love—their true love. Well, I believed I’d had two. And now I could see a second chance at that love once again. But the dark was a scary place, and it was all I could see. I’d already lost two loves. First, Oliver when he’d left, and now Maddison, and there was no way to bring him back.
I placed the small sprig of flowers on the grave and removed the ones that had withered and died. Maddison had never appreciated flowers, but I felt the need to ensure he knew he deserved them.
Fear kept my guilt company today. Fear that I’d never learn to master my feelings and overcome them. And fear that I’d be trapped, grieving, and wouldn’t have the courage to do what was right for me.
Weeks had sped past, and Oliver continued to message me. He tried to make plans for us, talk to me, or visit. He’d ask about the job, about books, or Bob. And I did do my best to ignore him and pushed him away, even when his presence calmed that small fragment of my soul still struggling for life. I’d refused to choose between Oliver and Maddison once before, and now I felt like I was right back where I’d been all those years ago.
I moved to leave, confused and adrift in a sea of uncertainty. My visit here had only caused those emotions to swell inside of me, and I wondered if coming here was keeping me tethered to Maddison, but it hurt too much when I contemplated leaving him alone.
As I turned, I watched Oliver start down the path towards me. My feet rooted me to the ground and prevented me from fleeing. He ambled forward, and I held my breath in anticipation of what he’d say or ask today.
“Hey.” He paused in front of me and prevented me from escaping. His hair was back to the darker shade I’d always recognised since being back in the less-then-sunny UK. He’d tried to tell me about his travels a few times, but I was not ready to hear how wonderful anything was yet.
“Let me take those.” He reached for the dead flowers, his fingers grazed my hand, but he just wrapped his hand around mine.
“No, Oliver.” But his hand held mine firmly as I tried to pull away.
“No more hiding. No more running. Tell me why you keep treating me like I’ve wronged you in some way.” His voice was gentle, but I could hear the hurt in his words.
“You haven’t done anything to wrong me.”
“Then what? I came back because I couldn’t live without you, and I’d accepted that you might be with Maddison. But since he’s been gone, you’ve shut me out completely. I feel like I’ve lost my friend as well as my brother.”
Panic swarmed around as he confronted me. I didn’t have any answers for him, at least none that made sense. I ripped my hand free, but still felt the pressure on my skin as I took a final look at him and turned, retreating.
The breath I’d been holding all the way home eased from my lungs as I closed the door behind me.
“Good day at work?” Mum asked from the living room. All of her questions and our conversations were timid like she was walking on eggshells around me. I couldn’t blame her. I’d pushed her away as well as Oliver.
I peeked around the door and saw her with a cup of tea. “Why did you keep Oliver’s letters from me?”
She turned to look at me, and I felt the burden of this question, for both of us, in the air. She switched off the television and put her mug of tea on the side. Her hand gently patted the cushion next to her like I was a child again. And in some ways, that’s exactly what I’d turned into. Too many emotions, fears, and thoughts to process all at once, so I pushed them away, only focused on the very basic needs to survive.
“I thought I explained that already, sweetheart.” She took my hand in hers. “I didn’t want to make you question anything between you and Maddison.”
“Yes, but why did you think they would?”
“Okay, I’ll spell it out for you.”
I’d never spoken much to Mum about my feelings. It’d only been a recent development—when I moved back—that we’d grown close enough for me to open up. When I was younger, I felt her over-protectiveness, but now I saw that it was just her way of looking out for me because of our past, and that was her job.
“You’ve been in love with Oliver Ray since you were a little girl. I know you loved them both—they meant the world to you. Anyone could see that. But when Oliver left, he killed a spark in you. I think it was because you always believed he’d be there for you. You had a special friendship above what you and Maddison had.
“But Maddison gave you a second chance, and I wanted to protect that. You were happy, and that happiness was all I’d ever hoped for you.” She cuddled me into her, as my breathing began to stutter.
“I don’t know what to do, Mum,” I muffled into her shoulder.
“Do you still love Oliver?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded, hating that the guilt of admitting that to anyone else stung my eyes with tears and formed a nauseous pit in my stomach.
“Then what’s the problem?” She almost laughed, as if she couldn’t see anything standing in our way.
“It’s too soon. It doesn’t feel right. Not with Maddison –”
“Maddison is dead. And you can’t change that. Don’t let that ruin your future chance at happiness.” She pulled me out of her embrace and levelled a stare at me that was intimidating, considering the subject we were discussing.
“It can’t be that simple, Mum,” I protested.
“Why not?” Her eyes urged me to answer as they misted with tears.
I took a breath, hoping that I could be brave and honest with her. I was the one who’d started this conversation. I owed it to her to be honest and share exactly how I was feeling if she was going to help.
“Because I’m drowning in guilt. It’s suffocating. And anytime I think about even the possibility of a future with Oliver, it slams me again. How can I love Oliver when even the thought of an us brings such pain?”
“Darling, have you actually tried to move on?”
“Of course.” I defended. Although I wasn’t sure what trying to move on looked like other than what I’d been doing.
“Have you? All I’ve seen is you barely living.”
I started to open my mouth, but she cut me off.
“Don’t argue. You’ve been a walking ghost. And you’ve pushed Oliver aw
ay. Every time he’s phoned or visited, you’ve blocked him. And I think that’s because you’re punishing yourself.”
When she’d told me what she’d seen, it made sense. “If I hadn’t loved them both, Maddison would still be here.”
“You don’t know that. None of this is your fault. And frankly, from what you told me, Maddison had his own demons. Remember the reasons why you left him in the first place. Don’t pretend like everything was rosy when it wasn’t. Be honest with yourself.”
She was right. About it all. And hearing her perspective made everything so much more real. Like speaking the words prevented me from ignoring them any longer. But there was still something blocking me.
“And if you’re being honest with yourself, I need to be honest with you as well. There’s something I’ve kept from you. About Maddison’s death.” I looked up at her, my eyes drawn down at what she could possibly know that I didn’t. “He was fighting in your father’s ring. Your father organised the fight, and if the news reports are accurate, he’s now behind bars. Maddison has had justice, and so do you. We all do.”
“My father?” I thought back to the man who tried to speak to me at The Venue and tried to recall his face. It was still a fuzzy haze in my mind, just like everything else about that day.
My first instinct was to crumble. To let the news pull me back down into the darkness of grief and guilt that had suffocated me for all these months, and I felt the sickening sensation bubble up inside of me again.
And then I looked at Mum and thought about everything she must have faced when she was with my father. The turmoil and worry I’d experienced were tragic, but she had lived through his ways for years. With me. What she was telling me was closure for her. And a piece of me grasped hold of the small justice that her news delivered. For both of us.
She pulled me into her embrace again, knowing I needed her strength once again.
“It’s a lot to take in. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you about it sooner, but you weren’t ready to hear this. But now? I hope this can help you heal.”
“Oliver knew?”
“Yes. He’s kept it from you. But once the news came out in the papers, he came to see me. He wanted to ensure I knew the full account. That we all knew what we needed to. But it was my decision to keep you in the dark. Until now.”
Every time I’d inched closer to Oliver, something else had pushed us further apart. My body tensed with anger, cross that he’d hidden this from me.
“Don’t do that. Go and speak to him.”
“Who? My father?”
“No. I don’t want you to ever see him again. Oliver.”
I shook my head and pulled back, even more confused over my feelings than ever.
“Just stop pushing him away. He lost his brother, too, and you need to be there for him as well. And, although it’s hard, do you honestly think that Maddison would want you to stay miserable forever? He knew Oliver loved you, and he didn’t think twice before reaching for his happy ending.”
Why can’t I fight her logic? “But what if this isn’t the right thing to do? What if we aren’t meant to be together?” I wrung my hands and rubbed the silver bracelet still wrapped around my wrist.
“You can never know what the right or wrong decision is. You can only follow your heart and do what you think is for the best. Don’t avoid the hard choices in life because of fear. You’ll never find happiness, then.” She engulfed me in a hug, and I went willingly, clinging to her and her wisdom. Everything she’d said had hit home in a way that was terrifying yet reassuring. Maybe the jigsaw of my messed-up life could be put back together again.
There was more than guilt here. I’d just not recognised it.
Mum gently rocked me in her arms, soothing me and my fragile heart.
“You’re frightened. That’s okay, but don’t hide behind it. Sometimes you have to be strong, for yourself.” She kissed my cheek and wiped the tears from her own cheeks.
“Thank you, Mum.”
“Nothing to thank me for. How about a cup of tea?”
I nodded and stared at the blank screen of the telly as she set about fixing the world’s best remedy. Bob padded down the stairs and jumped onto my lap with a small meow.
The revelations from our conversation were eye-opening—not just about Oliver, but also about my father. Somehow, they didn’t tip me over the edge. If anything, they pulled me back, and I already felt more in control. There was more to Maddison’s death, more people involved, and I wasn’t to blame. I stroked Bob’s fur, helping him to nest on my lap. Living in the past wasn’t going to help me. Neither was wishing for the circumstances to change. Blaming myself would drive me crazy because there was nothing I could have done to change how things turned out. Fate, decisions, choices, whatever the reason, it was over now.
I just had to figure a way to move on.
Chapter 33
Grace
Dear Oliver,
Firstly, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for so many things, but mostly for pushing you away and not helping you when you lost Maddison right alongside me. Please forgive me.
Hopefully, this letter will go some way to explain the way I’ve felt these last months.
Now, I know I have no right to ask you to wait for me, but I’m going to anyway.
I love you. I’ve always loved you, but you know that already. That’s why you’ve never given up on me. And why you look to protect me whenever you can. My mum told me about my father, and that you carried that knowledge by yourself, protecting me again.
Since Maddison’s death, I’ve been stuck, trying to cope with all the emotions from his death, but also the others it dredged up with it.
Somewhere in all of this, I realised something else—I’m terrified of getting hurt again. That’s why I pushed you away. My heart is still in pieces, and I know you want to be the one to mend it. But I need to do that for myself.
I’ve been in love with you, Maddison, or both of you since I can remember. And for the first time, I need to protect my heart for me. It’s not strong enough to survive any more heartbreak or loss. And I want to put that right.
On Bob’s life, I promise that I will work at moving past the guilt that has plagued me and work at being the person you’ve always known I can be. But you have to give me the time to do it.
I’ll contact you when I’m ready, and then we can work at being friends like we always were.
Love Grace.
Six months later
Oliver honoured my request.
From the moment I’d sent the letter, he hadn’t contacted me. And now, it was my turn to be in the dark. It was like the time he’d left all over again, and it was hard to imagine how he’d coped for all those months, getting no reply. He’d never given up.
Unlike Oliver, I couldn’t pack up and travel around the globe. I put my energy into my job, making friends at work, and being sociable. All the things I should have been doing over the previous year.
Every step, every positive action I took, hurt. It felt like I was leaving a part of me behind—the part that belonged to two boys.
But slowly, my affirmative attitude started to take hold, and my chest didn’t ache so much. The guilt didn’t weigh so heavily, and my smile came back. Work became exciting again, and I found a spark that I wanted to nurture. The books and manuscripts I read and authors I supported, inspired me, and I worked hard at my job because I believed in these stories again. The fantasy realms and magical worlds they depicted, resonated inside me and became my strength and source of happiness.
And it was that fire that pushed me forward and stopped me from dwelling on the pain in my past that I couldn’t control. I’d found a comfort level all on my own, and I was proud. The need to compulsively visit Maddison’s grave had eased, and although I still went, the sorrow didn’t grasp me like it used to.
“Hey, Maddison.” I ran my hand over the headstone and brushed off the few leaves that had found a home resting on the marble. The early eve
ning quiet of the churchyard was calming; the breeze whipping through and rustling the trees prevented it from feeling eerie.
“I know that we all wish things were different, and I’m sure you’d be the first in line to change the outcome. But it’s time for me to stop living for the past and look to the future.” I gazed around, suddenly paranoid that there was someone here watching, but it was as empty as it always was.
“I’m seeing Oliver tomorrow. It’s been a while, so I don’t even know that he’ll talk to me, but I hope. And that’s something I’ve not had in a long time. I’m ready. It’s taken me a while, but I know that so many of the things I blamed myself for weren’t all on me. We loved each other so much, we didn’t consider if we were heading in the same direction. I’m sorry you felt the only way was to prove yourself. You never had to do that for me. And you got mixed up in whatever poison drove my mum away. I’m so sorry.” I thought of the words I’d learned to identify my feelings and how just a few months ago, every one of them had been disguised as guilt. “There are plenty of things I regret, Mads. But loving you will never be one of them. I hope you know that.”
I replaced the flowers that I always brought and gave the grave and his name a final look. Maddison and I hadn’t had the opportunity to resolve many of the feelings between us, but I’d done everything I could to honour him—and us.
But I wouldn’t let him hold me back from my happiness anymore.
Butterflies swarmed in my stomach as I waited for Oliver. I couldn’t sleep last night, after finally allowing myself to feel the excitement that might come from our reunion. Of course, it would take a huge amount of work. We’d barely been friends for the last several years. It would be foolish to assume we’d suddenly go back to being best friends when so much has changed for both of us. But I knew that no matter what Oliver had to say, I’d be grateful for him being in my life. If that was just as a friend, then so be it.
I checked my watch and took a breath, forcing myself to be patient—I’d just asked him to wait for me for six months. I could afford a few more minutes.
The Two Halves of my Heart: A Friends-to-Lovers Romance Page 26