CHAPTER VIII.
A STRUGGLE BETWEEN DUTY AND PASSION.
"I must speak with you this evening in the park, under the weepingash," Eric had said to Bella as they were getting out of the boat.
"This evening?" she asked.
"Yes."
"And in the park, under the weeping ash?"
"Yes."
She had of her own accord placed her arm in his, and they walkedtogether in silence to the villa; then she relinquished his arm, andwent straight to Clodwig and the Mother.
She knew not what she desired here, but she was happy, or rathersoothed, when she saw them sitting so confidentially together. Yes, shethought, every one who gives an ear to him, and returns a stimulatingreply occasionally, is as much to him as I.
She rose and went into the park; she walked about restlessly, knowingthat Eric must get released from Roland, in order to keep theappointment with her. But she had no idea how hard it was for him toeffect this; not so much because Roland was not obedient, and mindfulevery hour of the task set him, but because Eric was inwardly disturbedthat he was obliged to assign to his pupil as a duty and a theme somenoble thought, some lesson, some subject of study, merely to becometemporarily freed from his presence. The book he gave him, the place heselected for him to read until his return, appeared to him perverted toa wrong use, dishonored and profaned; yet nothing else could be done.It was a bitter experience, but it was the last time; he would come outfrom this final interview pure and strong; and have a plain andstraight path before him.
He became composed with this thought, and entered the park. He foundBella on the seat upon the height; she had evidently been weepingfreely.
Hearing his step, she removed the handkerchief from her eyes. "You havebeen weeping?"
"Yes, for your mother, for myself, for us all! O, how often have Iheard your mother ridiculed, blamed, pitied, and despised, forfollowing the impulse of her heart and the man of her choice. For sometime the saying was, To live on love and eight hundred thalers. She isnow more highly favored than any of us. With blessed satisfaction shesurveys now the past, and looks forward to the future in her son, andwhat are her deriders? Puppets, dolls,--gossipping, music-making,dancing, chattering, scandal-making dolls! They turn up their noses atthe man who has become so rich on the labor of slaves, and ouraristocratic fathers sell their children, and the children sellthemselves, for a high rank in society, for horses and carriages, forfinery and villas. The nobility, the poor nobility, is the inheritedcurse from ancestral pride, from slavery to the ancestral idea! Apeasant woman, who gleans barefooted in the stubble-field, is happierand freer than the lady who is driven through the streets in hercarriage, leaning back and cooling herself with her fan."
"I have one request," began Eric in a constrained voice; "will youbestow upon me one hour of your life?"
"One hour?"
"Yes. Will you listen to me?"
"I am attentive." As she gazed at him, her eye-brows seemed to growlarger and larger, the corners of her mouth to be drawn slowly down,and her lips to open as if parched with a feverish heat; nothing waswanting but the wings upon her head, and the snaky heads knotted underher chin, to give the perfect Medusa-look.
Eric was for an instant petrified; then collecting himself, hecontinued:--
"Two questions now rend my heart; one is, Has the violence of lovetaken from me life, study, and the power of abstract thought? The otheris, Must a child of humanity, because destiny has once decided for him,become a lifelong victim to this determination? And these two questionsresolve themselves into one, just as those snaky heads form one knotunder the chin of the Medusa."
"Go on!" urged Bella.
"Well, then, there was one hour when I would like to have said to thebeautiful wife sitting before me, 'I love thee!' and I would haveembraced and kissed her, but then,"--Eric pressed his hand upon hisheart, and gnashed his teeth,--"but that hour over, I should have put abullet through my brain!"
Bella let her eyes fall, and Eric went on: "One hour, and then my peacewas gone; I had nothing left. I could not sleep. I could not think.This could not last. I lost myself, and what did I gain? I saw all thatthis love devastated, and could it be love? No. Could I take it lightlylike others, it would be light. But why is this the only thing to bemade light of? Why is not the ideal of life also to be made light of,and why is not all feeling only a plausible lie?"
In a hoarse voice he added:--
"But I do not believe that love has the right to lay everything inruins; but then perhaps it may be said, it is not real love. Pluck upheart, look at the world for yourself, see how pleasantly, respectably,and shrewdly it lies, the women tricked out with artificial beauty, andthe men with superficial knowledge. Do you see the abyss on whose brinkI stood? And here I said to myself. We are placed in the world in orderto live, and knowledge and culture have been given us that we may getfrom them life and not death. And how could I look a noble man in theface, how could I look up to the sun in heaven, how was I to educate ahuman being, to stand erect in the world, to abhor crime, to discernthe holy; how was I to take the word mother upon my lips, with theconsciousness that I was myself the vilest of all, and that there wasno moment in which I, and another also, must not tremble, and be filledwith cowardly fear and despair."
Eric paused and placed his hand on his forehead; his voice choked,tears stood in his eyes.
"Go on!" cried Bella, "I am listening."
"It is well. This once do I speak thus to you, and only this once. Youhave courage to hear the truth. Our relation is not love, must not belove; for love cannot thrive on murder, hypocrisy, and treachery. Iclasp your hand--no, I clasp it not, for I know I could not let it go,if I did. Here I stand--I speak to you, you listen to me--I speak toyou, as if I were miles away, as if I were dead; there must bedistance, there must be death, before there is any life."
"What do you mean?" interposed Bella.
She looked at Eric's hand as if he were about to draw a weapon from hisbosom.
Breathing deep, he went on: "It must be possible for human beings whohave been made conscious of where they are, to find again the rightpath from which they have wandered. My friend! you are happy if youunderstand the happiness, and you can and must learn to appreciate it;and I am happy. Howsoever my heart may be shattered, I know I shallcome to understand my duty and my happiness. I have been, heretofore,so proud, I thought I had mastered the world and brought it under myfeet, and so did you; and that we have met, is to be not for ourdestruction, but rather for our awakening into a new life.
"I foresee that the days will come when we shall coldly extend to eachother our hands, and say, or even not say, though we feel and know it,that there was one pure hour, an hour won by a severe struggle, when wewere exalted in our own souls, and because we held each other sohighly, we did not debase nor degrade ourselves. This hour is hard, isoverwhelming; but what is hard and overwhelming now, will be, in thefuture, tender and full of restoring strength.
"We would hold each other high, that we may not destroy the laws ofrighteous living. And here is life's duty. My friend, it was a sayingof my father, The man of understanding must be able to obey the commandof duty, with the same glow of zeal that others obey the command ofpassion. So must it be. The stars shine over our heads, I look upon youas upon a star that shines in its purity and in its ordained orbit. Ah!I do not know what I am saying. Enough! Let me now bid you farewell;when we meet again--"
"No, stay here!" Bella cried, grasping his arm, which she let goimmediately, as if she had touched a snake.
She withdrew two steps, and threw back her head, saying:--
"I thank you."
Eric wanted to reply, but it was better that he should say nothing; hewas about to go away in silence, when Bella cried:--
"One question! Is it true that you saw Manna Sonnenkamp, before youcame here?"
"Yes."
"And you love her, and are here on her account?"
"I believe you, and I thank you."
There seemed to be in this utterance something consolatory to her, thatshe had not been sacrificed to love for another. She looked wildlyaround, moved her head right and left, and when she had become calmagain, she said:
"You are right. It is well."
She seemed to be looking for something to give to Eric, without beingable to find it; and now, as if she were giving utterance to a thoughtthat had long lain upon her mind, and which anxiety for his welfareforced from her, she cried,--
"Be warned! Be on your guard against my brother; he can be terrible."
Eric went away; it was a hard matter to return to Roland, but he must.
He sat still by Roland's side for a short time, with his hands over hiseyes; the light pained them, and he did not venture to look at Roland.
Then a servant, came with the message that the Count and the Countesswere going to take their departure at once; Eric and Roland could bidthem good-bye in the court-yard.
They went down, and heard that, contrary to the original plan, theywere to set out immediately, and send the next day a carriage for AuntClaudine.
Bella extended her gloved right hand to Eric, saying in a low tone:--
"Good-night, Herr Captain."
The carriage drove off.
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