“Exactly.”
“Does it involve a bar fight?”
“No.”
“Does it involve a brothel or naked women of any variety?”
«She really gets us.»
“No. But I like where your head’s at.”
Jess sighed. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“We let the Box find your DNA. And Potato’s.”
Jess massaged the bridge of her nose. “And now I’m sorry I listened.”
Coop threw up his hands. “Will anyone let me finish explaining my plan?”
«Maybe you need to work on your delivery. You do tend to bury the lede.»
Jess waved for him to continue but the motion lacked enthusiasm.
“As I was saying. We let them find your DNA by taking samples of your hair and Potato’s fur and leaving them all over the spaceport. We send them off chasing ghosts while we secure you in a sealed environment.”
Jess tapped her finger against her lips for a few seconds. Her face took on a pained expression. “This is a really good idea, Mr. Cooper, in principle.”
“I know! So, why do you look like it hurt you to say that?”
“Well, it's complicated. There are different kinds of DNA, and it depends on which kind the sniffers are sniffing for.”
«What's she talking about?»
“Dyrk doesn't understand what you mean.”
«Oh, and like you do?»
“Strands of human hair don't have DNA, at least not what we normally mean when we talk about DNA. It doesn't have nuclear DNA, just mitochondrial DNA.”
“Nuclear, like a bomb?”
“No, Mr. Cooper, as inside the cell's nucleus.”
“Oh. So, my plan won't work?”
“It might, if the Box sniffer is checking for both nuclear and mitochondrial DNA. If just the former, my hair won't distract it. But your plan still works with respect to Potato. Its hair strands do have nuclear DNA.”
“Why does Potato's fur work that way?”
Jess shrugged. “Potato's an immortal alien, remember? That's the least of the differences between its biology and ours.”
«She makes a good point.»
“So you're saying my plan might work for you but will work for Potato?”
“Exactly. All we have to do is create enough false positives to make sure we keep them busy for as long as possible. Let me get Potato.”
Jessica returned a moment later with Potato, a large bath towel, and a set of battery powered hair-trimmers she'd found in a vanity of one of the suite's bathrooms.
Potato did not appear as happy as it had only a short time before. In fact, it looked as if it sensed imminent doom.
“I think it knows what’s about to happen,” Coop said. “Poor guy. But, better his hair than mine. Sorry Potato, it’s time to take one for the team, buddy.”
Potato did not look at all relieved by this sentiment.
«I’m not sure nobility and sacrifice are part of its makeup.»
Jessica draped the towel over the ottoman and placed the furry alien atop it. She worked gently, but efficiently. Potato’s green and blue zebra-striped fur came off in large, soft clumps. The shearing quickly revealed Potato’s bare flesh for all the world to see.
“It’s… purple,” Coop said in wonder as Potato’s skin came into view for the first time.
Jessica sat back and examined her work. “It’s more like lavender, actually.”
“Isn’t that purple?”
“It is a shade of purple. But you’re a guy. So, yes. Lavender is purple.”
She returned to trimming the depressed looking xenon. “Oh, damn! Sorry, Potato.” Jess jerked her hand away.
Coop looked down at her exclamation and saw a small nick in Potato’s purple flesh.
Jessica picked up Potato and examined its underside. The little alien had a dozen retractable feet that squirmed in the air, desperate to avoid being shaved like the rest of it. “Those are adorable. Weird. But adorable. Now let me check that laceration.”
Jess set Potato down and looked at its back where she’d cut it a moment before.
She grunted softly in surprise.
“What?” said Coop.
“The cut's already gone, not even a mark to show where it'd been. And Potato's already regrowing the hair around the spot where it was.
Coop looked on in awe. “Wow, that’s even faster than I healed when you cut me back in your lab.”
Jess nodded and set Potato back down. She applied the trimmer to the nape of her neck, cutting the tresses that flowed down her back like fire and letting them fall amidst Potato's blue and green fur. She set the trimmer aside and began mixing and bundling up the pile of hair in both hands. “Hand me something to stuff this into. There’s more than enough here to cover the entire spaceport. Considering how advanced most Box biotech is, I'm guessing the sniffer is so sensitive that you shouldn’t need more than a single strand to attract it.” She paused as Coop ran into one of the bedrooms, returning a moment later with an open pillow case. “How do you plan to distribute the hair?”
“Dyrk knows the blueprints to this entire place, including the primary air circulation unit and its backups. He and I will check out the shuttle options you've researched so we pick the best place to stash you and Potato, and all the while we'll be saturating the spaceport with your hair and Potato's fur. Once we've emptied the pillow case, we’ll swing back here to take you both to your temporary new accommodations. Hopefully the Box will be too busy chasing their tails to notice us when we make the move.”
«Don’t forget Tycho.» added Dyrk.
“Right, and Tycho too.”
A knock came at the door.
Chapter 8
Everyone froze and stared at the suite’s entrance.
«Sadly, none of us have x-ray vision.» said Dyrk.
Coop silently agreed and remembered that Doos had broken the lock.
The handle began to turn, and the door swung inward on its damaged hinges, Coop let Dyrk take over his body and the viral echo wasted no time in reaching for another barstool and raising it on high.
But it wasn't a Box letting itself into the presidential suite of the Palais Titan. It was Al, the alien crime boss who'd arranged for them to be there in the first place.
The xenon entered, all seven feet of him, dressed in black slacks and a black sequined shirt that outshone everything but his glossy shoes. If he hadn’t been so tall and projecting an aura of casual and effortless danger, Coop might have cracked a joke. Instead, everyone let loose with a massive sigh of relief.
“Hi, Al,” Coop said, retaking control and sending Dyrk into the background.
The tall, onyx-skinned Clusterian waved a hand in greeting as he looked at the debris-au-Doos that littered the floor. “Cooper,” he said. “Dr. Acorns.” He delicately stepped around the carnage, careful to protect the shine on his shoes.
“As I feared, one of the new Box arrived here too. I take it you were unable to heed my advice?”
Jessica frowned. “What, you mean 'run'? We appreciate the warning, but there wasn't time to act on it.”
“My apologies, Dr. Acorns. This extension moved more swiftly than I'd anticipated.” He gestured at the main body of the defeated Box. “This is Doos. It's a representative of the Box legal system. The closest parallel in your world would be… a combination bounty-hunter and privateer. It is fully empowered to do whatever it chooses in pursuit of its targets.”
“That would seem to include using projectile and energy weapons that are banned on Titan,” said Jess.
Al's expression turned stony. “Doos has no regard for collateral damage or potential litigation. If it happens to blow out an exterior wall of the spaceport to get what it wants and kills dozens of innocents in the process, so be it.”
«Well, that's just dandy.»
“It has a well-deserved reputation for being unstoppable even when outnumbered hundreds to one.”
Coop shook his head. “Th
at seems like a bit of an exaggeration. I took out this one by myself.
«Ahem,» murmured Dyrk in their shared mind.
“I assure you, it is not,” said Al. “I speak from firsthand experience. Two hundred instantiations of Doos arrived on my homeworld and all but wiped out a population of four million Clustera.”
“Holy crap!”
“Indeed. There are twenty of it on Titan,” continued Al. “Seven were aimlessly wandering the main avenues of the spaceport while the other thirteen extensions have taken up positions at each of the spaceport's main exit gates. They are harassing anyone and anything that attempts to come in or out.”
“Sniffers!” exclaimed Jess.
“Excuse me?”
Coop jumped in. “Al, this Doosfus had a DNA sniffer that we think can detect both Jess and Potato. That’s how it found us. Jess thinks it must have tracked their genetic scents.”
Al looked annoyed. “So, not wandering aimlessly at all.” He glanced again at the remains of the defeated Box. “That explains how it was able to get to your hotel so quickly. It must have, quite literally caught your scent. Damn. This complicates things.”
“Wait, there's something I don't understand,” said Jess. “If there are more of it, why didn't this extension notify the others once it had found us?”
“Ah, that has a simple explanation, Dr. Acorns. Part of the reason I chose the Palais Titan for you is because it's shielded.
«Shielded?» said Dyrk.
“Shielded?” said Coop.
“Precisely. From the moment Doos rolled into the lobby, it was cut off from its other extensions. There was never any danger of it summoning reinforcements. I'd come here with the intention of slipping you out one of the hotel's lesser known access points and taking you to an underground bunker. I have a safe house, buried in the Titan terrain beyond the surface's warehouse district, less than a kilometer away. From there I could sneak you onto an Earth-bound shuttle in two days. But if Doos can track your spoor, it's unlikely we'd get out of the spaceport.”
“So your plan's a bust,” said Coop. “Not to worry, we've got a plan of our own. Two plans. Well, a main plan for hiding and an auxiliary plan for confounding the sniffers.”
A faint trill sounded and Al held up a hand for silence as he pulled out his personal data device, tapping away at the screen almost as quickly as Jess typically worked on her tablet. He frowned. “Evading their DNA sensors may not be enough. Doos has flagged the tickets I'd acquired for your travel and will be instantly informed should you attempt to use them. Worse still, my sources indicate that it is offering bribes throughout the port to anyone who can provide any information about your whereabouts. Substantial bribes.”
“Well, I can't stay here much longer,” said Jess. “Its sniffer found us once, it will surely do so again. Mr. Cooper, I think we need to go ahead with your plan and hope we don't run into someone who realizes who we are and turns us in for the reward,”
Al shook his head. “Even failing that and you're able to hide, Doos just has to wait you out and grab you when you activate your tickets.”
«Did I mention things were dandy? They just keep getting dandier.»
The alien stepped further into the room and scratched his head.
“All right. Let me see what I can do. I have certain… resources. It might be possible to find you alternate passage. Though, if you’re not seen boarding that shuttle at its departure time, the Box will work out that you're still here and redouble its efforts to find you.”
“No problem,” said Cooper. “We just have to be sure Doos sees us boarding as planned, albeit at the last minute, right when they're closing the doors. Can you create a diversion so its extensions are too busy to stop the shuttle from taking off?”
“I could, but that won't work, Cooper. Even if you boarded the shuttle and it departed this moon, one or more Doos would simply commandeer the next shuttle and follow.”
“Exactly. Except, it won't matter because we won't be on the shuttle.”
“But you just said—”
Coop cut the Clusterian off with a single word. “Decoys.”
Al's response was as deep throated a laugh as Coop had ever heard.
“You get it, right? So, all we need to do, in addition to hiding Jess and Potato, and messing up the sniffers, is find people to use our tickets and take our place. Then while Doos flies off after them, we'll have all sorts of other options open to us. Only thing is, I don't know how to recruit our decoys. It's pretty dangerous.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem,” said Al. “I don't imagine any difficulty finding three people willing to pose as you for a free trip to Earth, regardless of the risk.”
“Why is that?” said Jess.
Al’s smile was cold. “You must remember that Titan is at its core a corporate entity. There’s a very wide divide between the two groups of humans living on this moon. Those who have profitable businesses and positions of influence or power, and others who are just scraping by, having come here under false impressions that hard work alone would yield prosperity. Most of the latter would jump at the chance to return to Earth. Sadly, very few of them can afford the fare. But today, their misfortunes may be just what we need.”
«Ben, are you thinking what I’m thinking?»
Coop grinned. “I hadn't thought of it that way, but now that you mention it, I think I know where we can find some volunteers.”
“Excellent,” said the crime boss. “Then I suggest we all make haste and pursue our respective plans.” He handed a small comm device to each of them. “This is a direct line to me. Do not hesitate to reach out at the slightest need or if any new information comes your way. And likewise, I will keep you informed of any developments.”
“You're able to track all the Doos extensions?” asked Jess.
“I am, by electronic surveillance if they are outside the spaceport and by a network of security personnel and informants within. Hmmm.” He paused and nudged the toe of one shiny shoe against several of the pieces of the defeated Doos that littered the suite's foyer.
“I’ll have somebody come pick these up. As before, I will pay you handsomely for them. Reverse-engineering these weapon designs could prove useful indeed.”
Jessica opened her mouth to respond but Coop beat her to it. “Sounds good. Just add it to our bank account. You've got the number.”
Coop took the pillow case from Jess and accompanied Al to the door. The way he figured it, you could never have too much money, and the last thing he wanted was Jess voicing some kind of silly objection about gun smuggling or other pesky issue of morality. Besides, he needed to start distributing her hair and Potato's fur, and lock down a shuttle room for her and Potato to hide in. Tycho too.
“Oh, wait a sec.” Coop detoured back inside to his bedroom to pick up one of the stun batons he'd used earlier in the week on the other Box avatars.
«Smart. You never know when that could come in handy.»
Coop hurried back to the doorway and paused to wave back to Jess, holding the pillow case up and grinning. “Don't worry, we've got this.”
Despite the damage it had sustained from Doos's attack, the door closed on his second attempt, albeit without benefit of a working lock. Coop turned just as a faint ding indicated the elevator's arrival. He expected to find Al there, stepping into the car, perhaps holding the door open for him, but the crime boss was nowhere in sight.
“Weird. You think he just took the stairs?”
«Never mind that. We need to stay focused on the matter at hand. You know, when it comes to that shuttle cabin, we're probably going to be better off picking a sleazy place than any of the nice ones from Dr. Acorn's list. Doos knows we're here in the fanciest hotel suite on all of Titan.»
“So, you're thinking it won't think to look for us in a grounded ship that rents out rooms by the hour rather than a working ship that's just down for a few days? You make a good point, Dyrk, a really good point.”
Chapte
r 9
The elevator chimed, the door opened, and pillowcase in hand Coop strode across the lobby of the Palais Titan. He was halfway to the exit when the concierge rose up from his desk and ran to intercept him.
“Excuse me, Mr. Cooper? Please, sir, a moment!”
«Whatever this guy wants, we don't have time for it. Promise him an autograph later and let's keep moving. We're on the clock, Ben.»
Coop hesitated just a moment, which was all the time the concierge needed.
“Thank you, sir. This came in for you. I'd have had it delivered to your room, but your check-in preferences indicate that your suite is not to be disturbed under any circumstances, and we pride ourselves on honoring all of our guests needs.” He held out an envelope marked with the logo of an Earth-based messaging company.
“I don't understand, no one on Earth knows I'm here at this hotel.”
“As you say, sir. The message came in to the spaceport, tagged only with your name. It's been floating around the system for two days. As time allows, I routinely check the guest list against any unclaimed messages, and when I discovered this I pulled it in and set it aside to pass along when next I saw you.”
The concierge beamed at him, still proffering the envelope. He looked half like a doting puppy and half like a man who performed his duties to levels beyond the norm because more often than not he knew he'd reap the rewards of a massive tip.
«Okay, so that explains how the message got to the hotel, but who knows you're on Titan?»
Coop accepted the envelope, trading it for his pillowcase which the concierge accepted with the solemnity of someone receiving holy communion. Inside was a single sheet of paper. It was from his agent.
From: Sylvia Glaxton
To: Benjamin Cooper
What the hell were you thinking signing that contract? Aliens? Medical experiments? Are you insane? I know things have been rough, but since when are you a damn guinea pig?
I looked into that producer who has promised you a starring role in his movie. He's got no history in the business. Nothing. Nada. The production company named in the contract exists as just a mail drop. Moreover, none of my attempts to reach your new producer friend have gone through. And trust me, trying to put calls through to Titan is not cheap! As your agent, I'm here to tell you you've been suckered.
Anger Management Page 4