“No. Absolutely not.”
“Are you thinking about breaking up with him?”
I shake my head. “No. I love him. That’s the only thing I’m sure of right now. But I’m scared… I’m scared that he might want to end things with me.”
Tori sits back, apparently satisfied with my answers. I take a big gulp of my newly filled wine glass. I know I can’t tell them everything, but hopefully, I can get some guidance on how to drop this grenade I’m carrying in my pocket.
“How did you guys deal with secrets? I’ve heard you all talk about them, that each of you had something, or the guys did, before you got together. Just… how did you deal with it when they came to the surface?”
Annabelle finishes a sip of her wine, apparently starting things off. “Jaxson wasn’t exactly a secret. He more or less decided that he was ending things with me to keep me safe, but the reasons behind it he kept from me. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that we had everything, and then one day it was done. But once he got his head out of his ass and he explained to me his reasoning, I understood. I wasn’t happy with it. But knowing him how I did, I understood why he did what he did.”
That makes sense. And maybe Ben would feel that way? Maybe he would understand why I withheld the information I did, and everything will be just fine.
“Maverick and I didn’t have lies, we had the truth. A lot of the truth. Sometimes too much of the truth.”
I give Scarlett a confused look before she continues on.
“Don’t get me wrong, honesty is great. But Maverick… it took him a while to open up to me, to tell me his secrets from before I came into his life. But after he opened up, the flood gates were wide open. So while I suggest the truth, because lies and secrets only eat you up inside, make sure it doesn’t come out as word vomit. Make sure you are thinking through everything you are saying.”
That makes sense, and it’s good advice. Because a situation like this needs to be handled delicately.
I take a look at Tori, waiting for her to drop her knowledge on us.
“Are you waiting for me? You know our shit show. I lied about my feelings. He lied about working for the cops and dating you. He lied to Maverick. It all nearly blew up in our face. Then he had to beg my dad for forgiveness. Don’t listen to a damn word I have to say because I still don’t know how we got to where we are.”
She’s right. Their situation was pretty fucked. But, if a couple can survive what those two did, then I’m sure Ben and I can get over this.
Because we have to. There is no other option at this point.
Chapter 35
Ben
When I started visiting Aiden, I came to see him at Christmas. Just because he was in prison shouldn’t mean he should be without family, right? Aiden didn’t see it that way. My hostile half brother told me to get my ass out of there because the holidays didn’t mean shit to him.
He has softened up since that first year, but I still don’t push my luck on holidays. Instead, I always make sure to visit right after the New Year.
Each time I sign in and wait for his arrival, I think how unfair it is that he’s stuck in here. I know he was wrapped up with bad people, but from what I’ve learned from him and the little bit of digging I have done into his case, he really didn’t do shit. He was just around for some extra muscle, so his dad didn’t have to get his hands dirty. He never took money or transported it. Yet, he’s doing the same amount of time as the others who physically took the money and made it appear legit.
It’s bullshit and this year one of my resolutions is to make him see it. It might not get him out any earlier, but I at least want him to realize what I do -- that he’s not a bad man and he’s serving a sentence he doesn’t deserve.
“Is it that time of the month already?”
I look up to see my brother, who for some reason looks years older than the last time I saw him, though it was just a few weeks ago.
“It is. Happy New Year Aiden.”
He takes a seat across from me, not returning the greeting. “Is everything OK?”
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be? How was Christmas?”
I’m not letting him change the subject this time. Aiden has never been accused of being the life of the party, but even this is somber for him.
“Fine. Mom and Dad met Amanda. But don’t change the subject. Are you OK?”
“Amanda? Is that your girl’s name?”
“Yeah. Who else would it be?”
“Don’t know. It just dawned on me when you said her name that you hadn’t told it to me before.”
“Oh. Well yeah, it’s Amanda. But again, not falling for the fake out. Are you OK? Is everything OK? Do I need to call your lawyer?”
Aiden lets out an exasperated sigh. “You don’t need to worry about shit in here. I have it taken care of.”
“Well, it doesn’t look like it. It looks like you’ve been sleeping with one eye open.”
Aiden leans in and so do I, well, as close as we can get without the guards telling us to back up.
“Apparently shit is happening on the outside with the crew I used to run with. Word got back here that the cops are getting pretty close.”
“What does that have to do with you?”
He rolls his eyes like I’m supposed to know. “Because snitches come out of the woodwork when things heat up. Guys looking to make a deal who don’t care if they wear the rat label for the rest of their life. And that’s if they don’t get offed. It’s just… it’s tense now.”
I stare at him, a little pissed that it sounds like he won’t even try to strike a deal of some sort.
“So I take it by those words you aren’t going to say anything?”
By the look on his face, we are now both pissed.
“Did you not hear a god damn word I just said? There’s a reason they say that snitches get stitches. And that’s if they are lucky. I’m not trying to turn against the mob. I made my bed. I’m laying in it. End of fucking story.”
Usually, this is where I let him drop it. But this is the furthest this argument has ever got and I’ll be damned if let it go now.
“No. Not the end of the fucking story. You have been a model prisoner. And let me remind you, you really didn’t do shit. It was your dad and his fucking friends. If there is any information you can give, I’m sure you could get some time off, or hell, maybe even get out of here before your 50th birthday. Let me talk to Amanda. She’s a cop. I’m sure she knows people and it can be done safely where no one knows it was you.”
I didn’t expect him to go for my idea. But the look he is giving me right now isn’t one I was expecting. Confusion? Anger? A little of both?
“You said your girlfriend… Amanda… she’s a cop?”
“Yes, she is. So she knows people. She’s not a Fed, but I’m sure she has a contact who can help.”
“What does she look like?”
Now I’m the confused one. “What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“Humor me.” Though there’s no humor in his tone whatsoever.
“Blonde hair. On the shorter side, but you can tell she can pack a punch. Blue eyes.”
“Is this Amanda happen to be from our old neighborhood?”
At that my blood goes cold. How in the hell does he know that?”
“I take it by your silence that I’m right.” I nod, because it’s all I can do. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, but I can’t move my feet to leave.
“I don’t think your girlfriend is going to help me, little brother.”
Though I have a feeling what he’s going to say, I can’t help but ask the next question.
“Why?”
“Because,” he leans in, staring me right in the eyes as he says the words that change everything. “She’s the reason I’m here.”
Chapter 36
Amanda
When Ben texted me that he was going to come over on his way back into town, I was glad. Finally, I was
going to tell him everything I needed to.
But as soon as he walked into my apartment, I could tell.
He knows.
I don’t know how he knows. But he does. I can read it all over his face.
And any hope I had of us being able to work this out leaves through the door that he came barging through.
“When were you going to tell me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play fucking dumb with me. When were you going to tell me? Is this why you have been acting weird?”
“Come sit down. Let’s talk.” I know I’m stalling, but I need a second. I’m not ready.
I’m not ready for this to end.
“I’m not going to fucking sit down Amanda. When were you going to tell me that you are the reason my brother is serving a 20-year prison sentence?”
“I’m not going to talk with you if you’re just going to yell at me. Let’s have an adult conversa--”
“An adult fucking conversation should have happened the day you realized who Aiden was to me. So when should that conversation have happened? Yesterday? Last week? The first time I fucked you? Oh wait. Maybe this was all pretend? I know how much you like pretend relationships to help your career. Did you fuck Kalum too when you used him? Were you using me to get to my brother?”
With those words, I do something that I’ve never done in my life. I slap a man across the face.
I’ve punched plenty of people, men and women. I’ve had to use my gun more times than I care to admit. But I have never, until right now, had a reason to slap anyone.
But the sting of my hand isn’t anything compared to the shooting pain across my heart. I knew he’d be upset. But I had no idea it would be like this.
“If you want answers, I will tell you everything you want to know,” I say, trying to calm my racing pulse down. “But if you are going to continue acting like an asshole, then this conversation is over before it begins.”
His face is red from my hand and his breathing is heavier than I have ever seen it. But he hears my words and takes a seat, not looking at me. Which is fine. That I can handle. But he needs to hear this before he flies off the handle again.
“I swear to you, I had no idea that Aiden was your brother until Christmas,” I begin, taking a seat across from him. “I also need you to know that I was telling the truth when I said that I hadn’t looked up his case file. I wanted to keep my life separate. But that was until I was at your mom’s and I saw the picture on the wall.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I keep going, explaining how I recognized Aiden from the photo, and that I did go look up the old case file after that.
“That’s when I put everything together. I was one of many who worked on that case, but because I was familiar with the people and the neighborhood, they put me undercover to get information on what was going on at the grocery store. People recognized me, but they believed the story that I was helping take care of my dad.”
“And then you turned them all in.”
“It’s not exactly that cut and dry, but yes, I was the one who gathered the information that allowed the Feds to make an arrest. I named everyone I saw come in and out of the market. I named Aiden’s dad. And with him came Aiden.”
“But he didn’t--”
“I know. I know he wasn’t the one who was moving the money. I know he was just the muscle. The problem is that no one that we arrested was cooperating. Everyone kept their mouths shut. So they handed down the same punishment to all. There was nothing I could have done.”
“You could have testified that he wasn’t behind it. That it was his piece of shit dad.”
I shake my head. “You know there was no trial. They pled guilty. They got 20 years instead of 40, which would have likely been their sentence for money laundering and racketeering if they would have went to trial.”
We sit in silence for what seems like hours. Ben still won’t look at me, and right now, I’d give anything to see his hazel eyes. To see his smile and that adorable dimple pop out.
When I imagined telling him, I figured he would be upset. That he’d need some time to process this. But after a day or so, we’d be able to put this behind us. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect him to react this way.
“You should have told me.”
His voice startles me. But it’s words. Any words are better than the silence that has been stifling for the last who knows how long.
“I know. But I didn’t know how to. You know what that’s like. How do I--”
“This is nothing like how it was when I didn’t tell you about Aiden. Nothing at all. Don’t compare the two.”
I don’t understand his logic, but I’m not going to fight it.
“I didn’t know how to tell the man who taught me what love was that I was the reason for his brother being in prison.”
For the first time since this conversation started, Ben looks at me. But the hazel eyes that I come to love are darker than normal. For the first time since I met Ben Jameson, I can visibly see anger. Hatred.
And it’s all toward me.
“You should have told me.”
“And as many times as you say that, the answer is going to be the same. I’m sorry. I know I should have. I tried, but apparently not hard enough. What can I do to make this better?”
This earns me a laugh, but there is no humor behind it.
“You can get my brother out of prison.”
“Ben, you know I can’t do that.”
“Bullshit. You don’t want to do it.”
I take a breath and fight myself not to correct him. I know at this point there is nothing I can say to make this better.
“I will do anything in my power that I can. I can apologize to you every day for the rest of our lives. I can apologize to your mother. But Ben, I was doing my job. Aiden made his choices. I can’t rewrite history.”
“And there it is! The classic Amanda work excuse.”
“What does that mean?”
Ben stands up and starts pacing back and forth. “It means that I was a fucking fool for ever thinking that you would put me before your career. Before anything. That’s all you care about. That’s all you’ve ever cared about.”
“That is not fair and you know it. You’re hurt. I hurt you. And I am sorry. But--”
“But nothing. I can’t do this anymore.” Ben starts stalking toward the door and I can’t believe this is how we are leaving things.
“Wait! Where are you going?”
He stops, but doesn’t turn to look at me.
“I’m leaving. I… I can’t be here right now.”
“Where does this leave us?”
He reaches for the door handle, opens it halfway and stops. But still, he doesn’t look back.
“I don’t know Amanda. I don’t know.”
And with those words, Ben walks out of my apartment.
And maybe my life.
Chapter 37
Ben
I never knew I had this kind of anger inside me.
I also didn’t know that I could get fall-on-my-ass drunk on a Wednesday night alone in a bar I haven’t stepped into in months.
The last time I was here? The night after the last bad blind date. The night that I connected with Amanda. The night that changed everything.
But here I am. Angry, drunk, depressed... and did I mention really fucking angry?
I thought that night changed my life. And I guess it did. I just didn’t know it would end with my heart feeling like it’s being ripped out of my chest.
I didn’t know a person could hurt like this. I didn’t know anger could fill me like this, so much so that it’s taking over my body and rooting me to this stool. That also might be because of the whiskey. But the whiskey is because of the anger, so it’s all the same.
I know I’m not making sense. But then again, none of this day has made any damn sense, and it started back in the prison during my visit with Aiden.
; I couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t even consider talking to the cops -- whether Amanda was one or not. This was his golden opportunity to try and do what he didn’t do six years ago. He didn’t try then, he just let the cards fall where they may, and all it got him was a 20-year prison sentence. How many men get a second chance like this? Not many, considering there is no parole in federal prison. And he’s going to fuck it up because of some misplaced loyalty to his dad and a group of thugs who don’t give two shits about him.
And for him to drop the bomb on me that Amanda was involved in the operation that sent him to away? I… I still can’t even process that.
It never even occurred to me that it was a possibility she was involved. Hell, up until a few weeks ago, I didn’t know that our lives had basically been crossed from birth. When I first learned that, it warmed my heart. How great of a story to one day tell our grandchildren?
Now I want it erased from my memory.
“Another shot!” Or at least, that’s what I want to yell to the bartender. At this point, I’m not quite sure that’s what I said.
“Dude, you need to settle down. You’ve already had five.”
“I’m fine. Everything is fine. Another shot will be fine.”
He shakes his head, and likely against better judgment, pours me another. Good man that bartender guy. I bet his girlfriend doesn’t keep life-altering secrets from him.
Do I even have a girlfriend anymore? Fuck if I know.
I tip the small glass to my lips, letting the whiskey do its job.
But at this point, I barely even feel the brown liquid touch my lips. I sure as hell don’t feel it go down my throat. And I barely feel my forehead hit the bar when I pass out.
“Benjamin Abraham Jameson you better get your ass up and explain to me why the fuck I got a phone call at midnight to come pick your drunk ass up and why I had to pay your $100 tab.”
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