Alex reached down and touched what he assumed was Ben’s shoulder through the blankets. “It doesn’t have to be all you have.”
Ben turned his head away. “Don’t do this now. Not while I’m … like this. We should speak of something else.”
Alex’s teeth clenched and he drew his hand away. “Why?”
Ben looked at him again, his brow furrowed. “Because there are other things I must see too first. I cannot allow you to distract me from what has to be done.”
“You mean the London Gossip? That’s what you and Aubrey and that Lyons fellow needed to discuss, isn’t it?”
“Alex, leave it. This is my mess to clean up, and I don’t want you involved.”
“Is it because you want to protect me, or because you didn’t want me to know that you and Cynthia Milbank were once betrothed?”
Ben jolted as if he’d been stabbed, staring up at Alex in stunned horror. “Goddamn Nick, I’m going to kill him.”
“Don’t blame Nick. I had my suspicions, so he couldn’t put me off. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because there’s more to it than even Nick knows! I was going to tell you everything when we had the chance to talk, but there never seemed to be a good time.”
“Neither of us is going anywhere just now,” Alex argued.
Ben pinched his lips and stared at the ceiling. He seemed determined not to give in, but Alex stared at him, willing him to speak.
Finally, Ben let out a heavy breath. “It was after you married Katherine. My father was determined that I marry since I am now his heir. I knew he’d discovered your letters, but he never let on that he knew they’d come from you. It was enough that he had uncovered my predilections, and he made it his mission to clear me of my ‘unnatural proclivities.’”
“Was this before or after the mad-doctor?”
“Before. The mad-doctor was my punishment for ending the engagement. If I couldn’t be coerced to put aside my desires to marry, then my father was determined to exorcise them by any means necessary.”
Ben had begun to pant, the blankets undulating as he struggled for breath. Alex went to his knees beside him.
“Ben? Are you all right?”
“Get them off,” Ben managed, beginning to panic as the flush in his cheeks deepened. “I can’t … can’t breathe. Get them off!”
Fisher’s orders be damned, Alex wouldn’t sit here and watch Ben suffer. He began tearing the heavy blankets from on top of Ben. Ben struggled to get free, helping Alex push the blankets away before sitting upright, running both hands through his damp hair. Alex stood and pried open a window, the chill of the outside air easing some of the heat.
When Alex went back to Ben, he had drawn his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead atop them. He jerked away when Alex touched him, his head coming up to reveal wide, startled eyes.
“Ben,” Alex whispered, afraid to further agitate him. “We don’t have to speak of it if you don’t want. I didn’t realize …”
“Because I haven’t told you. Not even Aubrey knows what they did. I … I was too ashamed.”
When Ben didn’t pull away from his touch, Alex soothed a hand up and down his back. “You don’t have to tell me. It’s enough that I know what I know.”
“I want you to know,” Ben choked out. “I need someone to know.”
“All right. Take your time.”
Ben took a deep, shuddering breath before speaking, his words coming out low and slow. “After you and Katherine left London, my father told me what he wanted me to do. He’d always known something was wrong with me, but … he never imagined I was … so unnatural, so disgusting. He told me to choose a bride, but I refused. So, he began inviting Milbank and his daughter to pay calls, which turned into them staying for dinner. Cynthia did everything she could to gain my notice, but I was uninterested and determined not to bow to my father’s will.”
“How did the engagement come to be?”
“Our fathers made it so. They told Cynthia I wanted to wed her, and a marriage contract was drawn up. My father intended to have the betrothal announced in the papers the following week. I told him I wouldn’t do it, and if he tried to force my hand I would disgrace us both by tossing her over.”
Ben fell silent then, but Alex knew that couldn’t be the end of it. Something else had caused Ben's visceral response, and the haunted look in his eyes told Alex it must be something horrible. He hadn’t even been this rattled when speaking of the so-called treatments of the mad doctor.
“One night, I sent for a cup of tea after dinner,” he whispered, his voice so low Alex had to strain to hear him. “I had just started dabbling in pugilism and had put myself on a strict diet—no spirits. The tea came, but it smelled different. Too sweet, I think … I hardly remember. The footman who delivered it assured me the cook had made it herself, and I had no reason not to trust that.”
Alex felt as if he would be sick, but stifled any outward reaction. He had a premonition about where this was going, but he needed Ben to be the one to say the words.
“He drugged me,” Ben said, a tear splashing his cheek. “My father ordered opium to be put in that tea, and for a long time I had no memory of what occurred before I woke the next morning. Cynthia … she was … in my bed … naked.”
Alex swallowed, his belly quivering with nausea. “Ben …”
“There was blood on the sheets … and … and spunk. I couldn’t have. I never … but I did. While I was drugged, she must have made me. Sometimes pieces of that night come back to me—a woman touching me, pulling me on top of her. I … deflowered her.”
“No,” Alex bit out, anger making his skin flush hot. “You did no such thing. That woman, she … she raped you.”
Ben squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Rape isn’t something women do to men.”
“Did you go to bed with her of your own free will?”
Ben made a choked sound in the back of his throat. “No.”
“Were you even in your right mind and able to say yes or no?”
“No.”
“Then she raped you,” Alex insisted. “It doesn’t matter if you went along with it when you couldn’t know what you were doing.”
“Alex,” Ben murmured, his voice as soft as a child’s. “I didn’t want her, Alex. I didn’t.”
Alex brushed the hair back from his brow. “I know you didn’t. I know … it’s all right.”
Ben leaned into Alex, head falling onto his shoulder. “My father told me I was responsible for Cynthia. I had ruined her, and marrying her was the gentlemanly thing to do.”
“What a despicable trick,” Alex muttered, sorely wishing the viscount were here so he could pummel him.
“It was,” Ben agreed. “But I wouldn’t play his game. I told him and Cynthia that they both go to the devil. If they announced an engagement, I would reveal to the entire ton what they’d done to me.”
“Good show,” Alex said, pressing a kiss to Ben’s crown. “It was very brave of you.”
“I thought it was … until my father put me in the hands of Dr. Pruett. He made it clear that this wasn’t just about my backward nature … it was about Cynthia. He made me pay for it several times over.”
Ben trembled in his arms, but Alex only held him tighter, gently rocking him back and forth. Ben surrendered to the comfort, clutching tight to Alex’s waistcoat as he wept.
Alex waited in silence until Ben had calmed, then prompted him to sit up. “Listen to me. Cynthia will not win, and neither will your father.”
“He’s still trying to force me into marriage. Before we left London, he delivered an ultimatum. If I don’t choose a bride, he will have Dr. Pruett testify to my insanity. I’ll be committed to Bedlam.”
“No,” Alex insisted. “We won’t let that happen. He won’t touch you, and neither will Cynthia.”
Ben sighed. “I’m tired, Alex. I thought I could carry it all on my own, but it’s too much.”
“Let me help
you. Me, Aubrey, and Nick. We can help.”
Ben nodded but offered no verbal response. They sat together for a long while. Alex held him without speaking, allowing Ben to experience everything he was feeling. He knew better than anyone how far a good cry could go toward purging one of grief or sadness.
Once Ben was ready, Alex helped him to his feet. “Come. You are finished with your treatments. I’m ordering you to spend the rest of the day resting and taking your mind off everything. It will all be waiting for us tomorrow.”
“Ordering me?”
Alex smiled. “What good is this title unless I can throw my weight around a bit? I’m the earl, this is my house, and my word is law.”
“Fine,” Ben grumbled. “But you made me a promise yesterday. Tonight, I demand you deliver.”
Alex tugged on Ben’s sodden shirt, pulling him close. “Why wait until tonight?”
Ben’s gaze fell to Alex’s lips. “I need to wash. I’m drenched in sweat.”
Alex backed toward the door, pulling Ben along with him. “I’ll wait.”
They made a beeline for Alex’s chambers. Once inside, Alex dismissed Hamond, who was busy tidying the room. While Ben made use of the washstand, Alex made quick work of his clothes, the loose fit of his casual morning coat making it easy to achieve the task without help. By the time Ben emerged from the washroom, nude and smelling of sandalwood soap, Alex was lying in bed with a bottle of oil waiting conveniently at his side.
Ben’s cock was already erect, standing high and bobbing with every step as he approached. Alex took himself in hand and stroked, simply enjoying the sight of Ben and anticipating what was to come. Ben came onto the bed and prowled toward him, arms caging Alex in. Their lips met in a slow, hypnotizing dance, tongues gently pushing and probing, soft pants racing between them. Ben laid between his legs, nudging his cock against Alex’s and sending a moan through his chest. He arched into Ben, one hand slipping down to cup a taut, firm bottom cheek to urge him closer.
Ben released his lips, kissing his way down Alex’s neck, then back up to his ear. Alex’s eyes rolled back into his head as Ben nibbled and licked, finding the places that made his cock twitch and strain with need.
In a move so fast it took Alex’s breath away, Ben rolled, reversing their position so that he lay on his back. Alex stared down at Ben as he reached for the oil and placed it in his hands.
“Ben,” Alex whispered with a shake of his head. “Are you sure? I … I still haven’t told you the last of it. There’s something—”
“I don’t care,” Ben protested. “I’ve laid myself bare, and no matter what happens between us, I won’t regret it. Aubrey became my confidant after you left, but only because I trusted him. He was there when no one else was.”
“When I wasn’t there,” Alex lamented.
“That doesn’t matter either, not anymore. You were always the person I trusted most, and despite all that’s happened, I still do. I trust you with the parts of me I could never give to anyone else—and I don’t only mean physically.”
Alex felt a rush of acute euphoria. Ben was saying all the things he’d wanted to hear. Even if he hadn’t yet spoken those three, sweet words, Alex would accept what he was given. It was enough for now.
He leaned down to kiss Ben’s cheek, then opened the vial of oil. Ben widened his legs and lifted his knees as Alex gripped his cock in one hand and used the other to explore the crevice of his arse. Ben stiffened when Alex’s finger pressed against his anus, gaining less than an inch through the tight sphincter.
“Keep going,” Ben said when Alex paused. “It’s been a long time, but I want this. I’m ready.”
“Not yet,” Alex chided. “But you will be.”
Ben took a deep breath, the rigidity of his body easing as Alex pushed deeper. He took his time, just as Ben had with him, sinking one finger as deep as possible and working Ben’s cock to keep him relaxed enough to take a second. Ben groaned, his hand joining Alex’s on his cock. They stroked together, the preliminary leak of Ben’s seed trickling down their knuckles.
“More,” Ben demanded as Alex thrust and curled the two fingers, reluctant to give too much. “Now, Alex. Give me more.”
“Careful,” Alex murmured, slowly adding a third finger. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Fuck,” Ben groaned as Alex added more oil, pushing his fingers deeper and finding his pleasure spot. “Nothing about this hurts. It’s … Christ, that’s good.”
Alex’s lips twitched with a smile. “That’s good to hear.”
“Shut up and give me your cock.”
“Not yet.”
“Yes. Now.”
Alex paused, giving Ben a quelling look. “Impatience will make this harder.”
“If I were any harder, I’d explode.”
Alex wanted to laugh, but the urgency of Ben’s need only increased his own.
He oiled his cock and added more to Ben’s pucker, nudging his legs wider. Ben obliged, using one foot to nudge Alex closer. Alex braced himself over Ben, trembling from the intensity he found in those fiery blue eyes. Ben barely blinked, watching Alex with heated anticipation and naked desire.
Alex nudged against Ben’s opening, easing his head through and pausing. Ben had tensed, but quickly relaxed, allowing Alex to raise a leg and take it over his shoulder. Ben took hold of his own cock, grunting and groaning while Alex worked his way deeper in careful thrusts. His head spun from the pleasure, the tight grip and heat surrounding him.
Ben gripped the back of his neck, holding tight as Alex withdrew and pressed further in, their foreheads coming together. He nuzzled Ben’s nose with his and smiled, and was rewarded with a fiery kiss. Ben’s other hand gripped his buttocks, pulling Alex closer while consuming his lips. Alex gained the last few inches with a final thrust, he and Benedict moaning as they came together, connected by more than the physical.
Alex could hardly breathe through the sensations of being so close to Benedict, being inside him, lying face to face in the bright light of day. Alex rocked into him, joining his hands with Ben’s to help pump his cock.
“Alex,” Ben rasped. “God … Alex, yes.”
“Ben,” Alex whispered in return. “I missed you. I missed you so much.”
Ben responded with a guttural moan, his hand urging Alex’s faster on his cock. His breaths quickened and became harsh, his arse clenching around Alex’s prick as the telltale signs of an impending climax showed on his face. Alex thrust faster, his own finish looming near. Ben clenched his teeth around a roar as his cock jerked and spilled, streams of mettle coating his belly. His hand fell away as he took Alex’s frenzied thrusts, writhing and moaning through his climax. Alex never let up, pumping Ben through his climax, then collapsing atop him as his own tore through him with toe-curling force.
They lay together in the aftermath, limbs entangled, lips nuzzling along bared skin. Eventually, Alex disentangled himself and staggered to the washroom. Soaking two linens and lathering them with soap, he used one on himself, then offered the other to Ben—who had yet to move a muscle. Ben fumbled with the linen, his eyes drooping with fatigue.
“How do you feel?” Alex asked.
Ben snorted and peered at him from beneath his lashes. “Fine. Wondering why I made you wait so long. Christ, that was perfect. I’d forgotten.”
“I know the feeling.”
Ben offered no reply, for he had dozed off, the linen discarded at his side. Alex retrieved and did away with it, as well as his own. He had turned down the counterpane before climbing into bed, and was now able to pull it up to Ben’s chest. He was far too restless to sleep now, and had plans to make. Nick was scheduled to leave in the morning and would carry his letters to London for Aubrey and Millicent. His invitations would land in the right hands within the week.
Everything was coming together just as he’d hoped, and Alex looked forward to watching it all unfold.
He took another lingering look at Ben, so charming in his sleep.
Alex could see the boy he had befriended, the young man he had loved so dearly, and it made his heart blossom with a pleasant and poignant ache.
Running his fingers through the tousled blond hair, Alex murmured, “I love you, Ben. I always will.”
Ben, issuing a sigh and rolling onto his side mumbled a startling response. “I love you too, Alex.”
Chapter 12
“This author has received a most coveted invitation for a dinner party in the home of the Earl of V. Rumor has it, the loftiest of peers are to be in attendance—making this event one of the most exclusive of the year thus far. This author cannot wait to report to you the goings on of the occasion.”
-The London Gossip, 15 January 1820
Benedict stared at Alex’s back as he was led up the staircase to the third floor. He had made an offhand comment over dinner that despite Alex’s claim of a renovation, there were no sounds of work being done, no workmen coming or going. Alex had been elusive in his response, but promised to show him after their meal.
“The renovation was lie, then?” Benedict asked as they walked the darkened corridor, Alex’s lamp shining on pristine floors and charming wainscoting.
“Forgive me,” Alex replied. “I needed you to stay downstairs until I could show you. If it makes you feel any better, this floor was renovated earlier this year.”
“Noted,” Benedict said grudgingly. “As you said, this is the last secret you have to share. I don’t fault you for lying to protect it.”
Alex paused near a door, his expression somber as he faced Benedict. “I think you should reserve that judgment until I explain.”
Benedict frowned. “Explain what? What are you hiding in here—a dead body? A trove of pirate treasure? A man you want to share with me?”
Alex pulled a face. “I am not the sharing type. This is what I have to explain.”
Chasing Benedict (The Gentleman Courtesans Book 5) Page 22