by Virna DePaul
The whole time I’d wondered about what was.
Was it my fault? Was it hers? Was it a mistake to fall for her? Was I the biggest fool for giving my heart to a woman who I’d known would leave? Was she missing me the way I was missing her? Was her chest tight the way mine was tight?
What was left to think about as I sat on my couch and watched the light change? What more was there than what, why, how, when?
Who? Who was she? And did it matter at this point? I hadn’t needed her name to fall for her, and she’d left me. A few days ago it was us, and now it was her and I. It had been one and now it was two. It was together, and now it was alone, shockingly, brutally alone.
I’d given all I could give, and I was empty. Every scenario, every what-if, every word, syllable, and glance had been dissected, torn apart, studied, and analyzed.
I didn’t know why she left, and I never would. That was my answer.
With a groan, I rolled off the couch. My flight to Denver was in about six hours. My interview at Graton’s Gift Hospital, the top-tier hospital in Denver where I was being considered for the open Chief Surgeon position in the cardiology department, was tomorrow morning, and I needed to get my head on straight to focus now that I was back home.
I dragged my bags to my bedroom and lugged them up onto my bed. I stared at the thick comforter and fluffy pillows and the blackout shades I could lower before I finally shook my head and unzipped my first bag.
I shoved every hint of my vacation as far into the back of my closet as I could. My trunks went beneath a folded wool sweater that was so itchy I knew I’d never wear it. My bottles of leftover sunscreen went into a crowded cabinet. The T-shirt I was wearing when I’d met her met its demise in my trash bin.
I was starting to feel remotely human again when I reached into the bottom of the last bag and felt something tiny. Curious, I dragged a finger along the bottom of my bag and held it up to the light. I wished I hadn’t.
There on my finger were three golden beads. Each one threw a punch straight to my gut. She was suddenly walking toward me in her golden dress, haloed by a brilliant sunset. I saw her hand pulling the dress inch by inch up her tanned thigh. She was beneath me, staring up at me with her gorgeous blue eyes, laying exposed for me across the tattered remains of the dress.
My phone rang suddenly. My hand jerked in surprise and the beads fell into the plush rug next to the bed.
“Fuck,” I muttered as I searched for my phone.
I certainly wasn’t going to leave them, but they’d take days to find in there and she’d haunt me even more, knowing those beads were anywhere near me. I’d never move on.
I managed to answer the phone on the last ring, surprised my voice even worked. “This is Noah.”
“Yes, Doctor Alexander. This is Sam, Rebecca McPherson’s assistant.’’
Rebecca McPherson was the president of Graton’s Gift.
“We all set for tomorrow at 8:30?” I asked.
“That’s exactly what I was calling to confirm,” she said. “But also to let you know if you’d like to come in later that’s fine. I’m not sure when your flight gets in.”
“I’ll be there late tonight.”
“It’s up to you then,” Sam said. “We had one of our three candidates withdraw, so it’s just you and one other at this point. She had the later time slot, so it’s free now.”
I sank down on the edge of my bed and frowned.
“Someone withdrew?”
There wasn’t a better position in the nation for someone in cardiology. Why would anyone in their right mind withdraw from the job of a lifetime?
Sam’s voice lowered, like she was divulging information that wasn’t supposed to be divulged.
“Do you remember Raegan Reynolds?” she practically whispered.
My heart clenched, and I cursed this stupid conversation for bringing her memory to mind again. It was one of the names she gave herself. It was the one I liked the best, the one that seemed most like her, the one I wanted to call her, until I found the pillow beside me empty that next morning in the Dominican Republic.
“Should I?” I asked, trying to keep the annoyance from my voice.
“Well, she was that heart surgeon who became famous after saving that director guy, Benjamin something.”
“Benjamin Richter?”
He’d won three Oscars. I vaguely remembered some medical scare in the news years ago. But back then my nose was mostly buried in a book or, well, something wetter…
“Yeah, that guy. Dr. Reynolds started dating that actor Oliver Joyce and became really famous. They were going to make a reality show about her life, and then suddenly she disappeared. You don’t remember any of that? It was, like, kind of huge.”
The wheels in my brain that had rusted and clogged with the disappearance of my mystery woman from the Dominican Republic suddenly turned.
“No, no,” I said, distracted, “it’s ringing a few bells. Raegan Reynolds?”
“That’s right.”
“Where has she been all these years?” I asked.
“Still based in L.A., but rarely home. Off traveling, I believe, but no one really knows where.”
Were my palms getting sweaty? They felt like they were getting sweaty.
“And it was her? She was the one who withdrew herself from consideration?”
“Crazy, right?”
I nodded, dumbfounded, before realizing I was still on the phone. “When?”
“What’s that, Doctor Alexander?”
I shook my head and stood up to search for where I’d put my laptop after unpacking. I needed it.
“Sorry,” I said, “would you mind telling me when she withdrew?”
“Oh, sure.” There was the sound of pages flipping on the line. “Last Thursday. First thing in the morning. I hadn’t even had my first cup of coffee when she called.”
That was the day after she left me.
“Raegan Reynolds,” I repeated.
“I know,” Sam said. “I was really excited to meet her, too. Get an autograph or something. Ms. McPherson did her best to convince her otherwise, but no luck. She said she’s decided to focus on some pro bono work in California at a clinic outside of LA.”
“Right,” I mumbled.
I spotted my laptop and pulled it open. Sam chatted cheerfully on the line as I Googled the name. My heart was racing when I hit the enter key. The first image filled the screen, and I stared at it, numb.
It was her. Samantha-Ali-Carmen—
I swallowed. Raegan. She really was Raegan. And according to Sam, she was based in L.A. When she wasn’t traveling, that is.
“So, we’ll see you tomorrow?” Sam said.
“What’s that?”
“Tomorrow,” she said. “You said the interview at 8:30 is still all right?”
Why had Raegan withdrawn? Why had she kept her identity secret from me? Why had she left? It had to connect. It had to.
“Dr. Alexander?”
Sam had been repeating my name.
“Sorry, bad connection,” I lied. should say “Yes, I’ll be there tomorrow.” I should win the job and move to Denver and forget about her.
That’s what I should do.
“Listen,” I said, deciding to give a big fuck you to what I should do. “I won’t be able to make it tomorrow.”
Chapter 12
Raegan
“Hey, Dr. Reynolds? We’ve got a walk-in with a sprained ankle in Room 3.”
I sent a thumbs-up over my shoulder to Julia as I listened to the lungs of the little girl sitting in front of me in her pink dress.
“Okay, now take a real deep breath for me,” I said in what I hoped was passable Spanish. “Like you’re about to jump into a pool.”
The little girl glanced nervously over at her mother, who sat in a rusted chair against the wall. The mother nodded. The little girl sucked in a breath as I moved the stethoscope along her back.
“Very good,” I said with a reassurin
g smile. “Muy bueno.”
But it was only after retrieving a purple lollypop from my lab coat pocket and offering it to her in my open hand that I got a smile in return. I turned to her mother as I grabbed a prescription pad.
“Take this to the pharmacy across the street. They’re good people and will make sure you can get the medication she needs to alleviate the symptoms of her bronchitis for cheap.”
The mother gently kissed her daughter’s head and told her that her teeth were now purple. I left the room smiling. The giggles echoed from the room and followed me down the hall as I made my way through the crowded area to Room 3.
The work I did at this clinic made me happy. It really did.
It was also fulfilling. The people of this impoverished area desperately needed help from professional doctors. But I couldn’t help but think I should be doing more. I was a heart surgeon and a damn good one. And, if I was being honest with myself, it wasn’t just the job I missed.
It was Noah.
But that was behind me. It was a path that could never be, one I’d walked briefly only to turn away from, one I’d visit in my dreams. Never in real life. And I was okay with that. Or at least, that’s what I told myself. Maybe one day I’d believe it.
I grabbed the clipboard hanging outside Room 3, knocked on the door, and without waiting for a reply, headed in. My eyes were on the information taken down by the nurse, so it was a few seconds before I looked up.
The clipboard clattered on the floor before I’d even realized it wasn’t in my fingers anymore. I was staring at the man on the exam table across from me.
“Well, fuck,” I muttered.
“Damn, doc. Is it that serious?”
I knelt to pick up the clipboard. Then I promptly turned away from Noah to wash my hands, but also calm my heart and give my cheeks time to turn a lesser shade of red.
“What seems to be the problem, Dr. Alexander?” I finally asked.
I seated myself in the short wheeling chair, but kept it in the corner, far from him.
“So, you know I’m a doctor?” he asked with a devilish grin.
I tapped the form on the clipboard. “Says so right here.”
He leaned forward on the exam table. A curl of silky brown hair fell over his eye. His hands gripped the edge of the table, and I couldn’t help remembering when those beautiful hands had caressed me. I cleared my throat. “How’d you hurt your ankle?”
“Chasing after a woman.”
When I looked up at him, his eyes wouldn’t let me go.
“Maybe you should have just let her go.”
“I tried.”
“Noah.”
“Raegan.”
My real name coming from his lips sent a shiver down my spine. I couldn’t do this. I’d made my decision, and it was the right one. I stood up, heading for the door. “Look, I have actual patients to see.”
“Wait.”
Every cell in my body screamed to not look back. Every sensible bone demanded to walk out that door. Every part of me knowing what was best for me shouted to not do exactly what I did.
I glanced back at Noah and paused in the open doorway.
“One dinner.”
I could tell he wanted to come to me and touch me, but he stayed on the exam table, knuckles white as the paper. I knew because I wanted to go to him and touch him, but I also stayed where I was, knuckles white on the door handle.
“One dinner,” he said. “I just want to talk.”
I bit my lip.
“Please,” he said.
I’d never heard a more desperate word from a man in my entire life. And it was because of me. I sighed. “My shift ends at seven.”
I closed the door behind me and marched straight down the hallway, nearly running into Julia.
“Hey, was that the Noah Alexander in there?”
She tried to sneak an eager peek inside the room through the cracked open door. She knew the Noah everyone else knew. The famous playboy, hot doctor bachelor, rich bad boy that every girl wanted to be with and every guy secretly wanted to be. He was unattainable, sorely out of reach. The closest most would get to him would be between their sheets in a wet dream.
But that wasn’t the man I knew. The Noah I fell for in the Dominican Republic? That man was mine. He was a human with flaws and insecurities, sure, but with passion and kindness and danger flitting in his eyes. Or at least, I thought I knew him.
“I’m not sure,” I told Julia with a shrug.
Then I headed right through the back door exit into a blast of exhaust-filled air outside.
The world knew a very different Noah Alexander.
But maybe at dinner tonight I would get the chance to figure out which one was real.
Chapter 13
Raegan
At the clinic’s front desk, the gals I worked with gathered around the single dirty window, holding back the shabby blinds as they giggled and clicked pictures on their phones. I slung my bag over my shoulder, getting ready to head out for the night.
“Ladies, is something out there more important than patients in the waiting room?” I asked.
Their heads collectively whipped around and their cheeks burned red as they scurried back behind the lobby desk.
“Sorry, Dr. Reynolds,” they said one by one.
I waved to them from the door and said with a grin, “Be good.”
Julia stretched her neck to spy through the open door and responded, “You be good.”
I laughed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Sure.”
I shook my head. “Night.”
Outside the Los Angeles clinic, the air was still warm and the sun had started its descent into the horizon. I slipped my jacket from my shoulders.
“I have that effect on people.”
Now it was my turn to whip my head about. I almost missed the final step of the three stairs leading up the clinic. Right. That’s what the girls were gawking at. Or rather, who.
Noah was waiting outside in the parking lot. I wondered how long he’d been here, or if he’d ever even left.
He lounged lazily against a black motorcycle that glistened in the weak rays of the late afternoon sun. It looked like the set of an ad shoot for a cologne. His intense green eyes were framed by his soft brown curls, and his dark denim jeans rode low on his hips.
“All right,” I said. “Talk.”
“No, no,” he said with a laugh. “You agreed to dinner.”
He reached behind the bike and held out a black helmet that matched the second one under his other arm. I crossed my arms.
“There’s a taco place across the street,” I said. “We can just go there. No need to get on that thing.”
He walked right up and placed the helmet on my head. His presence froze me, and I stupidly stared up at him from the confines of the helmet. He adjusted the strap as I struggled under his spell. “Perfect,” he said softly, adding a gentle smile.
He slipped his hand into mine and led me to the motorcycle. He helped me straddle the warm seat. Then he put on his own helmet, along with a pair of sunglasses that made him look even more like a movie star, and swung his leg over the seat.
“On turns and curves,” he explained as he placed my hands securely around his chest, “lean with me, all right? We’ll crash if we’re going different directions.”
Hesitantly, I rested my chest against his back and tried to fight the memories the smell of him brought back. He started the ignition and the rumbling beneath me reminded me of the thundering power of the waterfall. I squirmed and hoped Noah assumed it was to get comfortable on the seat and not because I could feel my panties growing wet.
We pulled onto the busy street in front of the clinic and whirled past the traffic and drove west. The setting sun warmed my skin even as the wind whipping by chilled it. I leaned along with him as he brought the motorcycle along a curved road, and soon the ocean was coming into view.
I assumed he was taking m
e to a fancy L.A. restaurant, like the ones he’d been photographed in posted all over the internet. The Noah that the world knew would take his girl to a place where he could wow her with his connections, his fame, his money.
But the Noah I knew would take me somewhere I’d never been.
He turned north, away from L.A., triggering both relief and hope in me, and took the highway lining the ocean. I laid my head against his shoulder and got lost in watching the sunset over the crashing waves. I could feel his heartbeat and I knew he could feel mine.
We must have driven for at least two hours, because when he finally pulled off the highway, there was only a deep hint of purple over the horizon in a dome of star-speckled black.
He’d brought me to the tiny parking lot of a small twenty-four-hour diner just off the highway. For miles and miles in either direction there was nothing. Noah held my hand as I climbed off the motorcycle, my legs wobbly. He unlatched my helmet and lifted it from my head, then took his own off.
“Where are we?” I asked.
“Dinner,” he answered with a grin. “Grab a spot at the counter. I’ll be right behind you once I lock everything up.”
I studied his face to make sure he was serious, and he laughed. “If you don’t have the best meal of your entire life tonight, I swear you never have to see me ever again.”
“How does my hair look?” I asked, knowing it was a rat’s nest on top.
“Perfect,” was all he said.
Before he noticed my blush, I ducked my face, stuffed my hands in my pockets, and walked towards the diner. He shouldn’t be making me feel this way. I made my decision. And it was the right one. Right…?
Inside, the diner was half empty. An older woman waved at me from a booth where she was pouring coffee for some sleepy customers.
“Anywhere you’d like, darling.”
“Thanks,” I said with a smile before heading to the counter.
The clock on the wall read 9:15 p.m. We’d been riding since he picked me up at 6:30 p.m., longer than I’d thought.