by Nicola Marsh
Pia hesitated, her hand on the door, and for one second Samira thought she might slam it in her face. But Pia sighed and opened it wider, beckoning her in. When she made no move to take the chocolates, Samira placed them on her desk, unsure whether to sit when Pia remained standing.
“Pia—”
“Don’t.” Pia held up her hand. “I’m so ashamed I can barely look at you. The way I reacted the other day when you told me about the baby . . .” She shook her head, a swath of glossy black hair half hiding her face. “I’m mortified.”
“It was a shock. I get it.”
“No, you don’t.” Pia swiped her hair away and finally eyeballed her, her eyes filled with regret and embarrassment and sadness. “I’ve been consumed with having a baby for the last few years. It’s debilitating, and it’s ruining my marriage . . .”
A sob escaped Pia’s lips despite her doing her utmost to compress them, and Samira stepped forward to bundle her cousin into her arms.
“I’m sorry, sweetie,” she said, unsure what she was apologizing for but wanting to offer whatever comfort she could.
She’d asked Pia when she’d first got back how Dev was dealing with the fertility problems, and Pia had said he was coping. She’d taken her at her word. Then again, if anyone had asked her fourteen years ago, she would’ve said the same, not wanting to articulate how increasingly distant her husband became when she didn’t fall pregnant. In Dev’s case it could be harder, considering he was the cause of the infertility and so much of a male’s macho was caught up in reproduction.
Pia clung to her, crying softly like she used to as a kid, making snuffling noises rather than full-on sobs. When she quieted, she backed away and Samira released her, but guided her to the nearest chair before pulling up one next to her.
“You okay?”
“Not really,” Pia said, her eyes puffy and her nose red. “I’ve behaved appallingly, and I’m really sorry.”
Samira waved away her apology. “I knew you would take it hard, finding out about my pregnancy. I remember what it was like, being surrounded by fertile women proudly showing off their baby bumps while I tried everything to get pregnant.”
“All the more reason I should’ve been happier for you,” Pia said, her expression downcast, guilt twisting her mouth. “I hate to admit it, but when you told me, I was totally consumed by jealousy, and all I could think was how unfair it was, why you and not me.”
“I get it.” Samira took hold of Pia’s hands and squeezed in reassurance. “I hated not being able to talk to you about all this, especially when I knew how hard it must’ve been for you.”
“I’ll be okay.” Pia sniffed, several times, before continuing. “And our marriage is okay, I think, but Dev’s losing patience with the whole process. He’s withdrawing from me. I can feel it.” She blinked rapidly. “Our sex life is rote bordering on nonexistent, he’s not interested in date nights anymore . . .” She shook her head. “He’s not keen on this alternative-therapies retreat, but I booked it as a way for us to reconnect and to show him that conceiving doesn’t have to be all about procedures and hospitals.”
Pia gnawed on her bottom lip before giving her head another shake. “The retreat also discusses other options, like adoption, something Dev hasn’t been too keen on.”
“Why not? There are many ways to have a child.”
“I know, but I think the infertility thing is wearing him down. He’s never said it, but I know he feels guilty . . .” Pia trailed off, her voice barely above a whisper and filled with so much sadness. “He said to me once that this entire process is emasculating, having to use donor sperm to father a child. I reassured him, but there’s a palpable distance between us now, and it feels like nothing I say or do can reach him.”
Samira was the last person qualified to give advice, considering her own marriage had imploded under the weight of infertility, but she wanted to do whatever she could to support Pia. She’d thought it strange that in all the time she’d been back in Melbourne, she hadn’t seen Dev once. She knew he’d been traveling for work, but the fact Pia hadn’t tried to arrange a get-together meant they were probably struggling and Dev wanted to avoid her family.
“Pia, I’m going to ask you something, and know it’s coming from the right place.” Samira pressed a hand over her heart. “If IVF doesn’t work and Dev doesn’t want to adopt, would you be happy with just him? The two of you together for the rest of your lives?”
Samira’s stomach went into free fall, because she saw the answer written all over Pia’s face before she answered.
“I used to think it would be okay, just him and me, but lately I’m not so sure.” Tears filled her eyes. “I know he wouldn’t cheat on me like Avi did with you, he’s not that kind of guy, but . . .” She shook her head, sadness evident in her posture, shoulders slumped in defeat. “I love him, but our marriage is suffering because I want a baby so damn badly and I’m not sure he does anymore.”
Crap. Samira’s heart ached for her beautiful cousin. She knew all too well what it felt like to feel helpless in a marriage, unsure what to do to save it. For her, she doubted she’d ever really loved Avi. She’d loved being in love, and once that had worn off and he’d started to show his true narcissistic side, she’d grown indifferent.
In that moment, she realized something. All these years she’d been blaming him for ruining their marriage. He’d cheated. He’d got some teenager pregnant. He’d left her and divorced her and made her a laughingstock within the close-knit Indian community. And while there was no excuse for him straying rather than trying to work on their marriage, she had to admit she might have contributed to the distance that had opened up between them the longer it took for her to fall pregnant.
They’d had sex to procreate, but there’d been no intimacy in their marriage, not from the start. She’d played the role of the dutiful young wife, establishing her physical therapy career, attending many family functions, parading her suave Indian husband with pride. But behind closed doors, their marriage had been shallow. All gloss and no substance. She hoped Pia’s marriage could survive the battle with infertility in a way hers couldn’t.
“This retreat is a last-ditch effort to see if we can relax and have some fun with this baby stuff rather than it being a chore all the time.”
Samira read between the lines. “Last-ditch effort for your marriage, you mean?”
Pia bit her bottom lip and nodded. “We’re in trouble, Sam, and the kicker is, I don’t know what to do. I want to fight for us because we love each other, but I need Dev to make an effort too. It seems like he’s filled with self-recrimination, even though we worked through the initial shock when we discovered he’s sterile, and I think it’s consuming him.”
“Oh, sweetie.” She clasped Pia’s hand and squeezed. “Is that why I haven’t seen him since I got back? Because you two aren’t in a good place?”
“Yeah. He hasn’t been around to Mom’s or any family dos, because he says he can’t pretend.”
“I get it. Avi started avoiding my folks at least two months before he broke the news about his affair.” She snorted. “I should’ve known there was something wrong, but I was too busy playing the perfect bride to worry about it.”
“Avi was an asshole, end of story.”
Samira paused. The last thing she wanted to do was bring up more baby talk around her cousin, but she couldn’t very well ask her mom what had been bugging her.
“Hey, I heard through the grapevine his wife’s expecting their second child. That’s a massive gap between kids. Do you know what that’s about?”
Pia’s eyes widened in surprise. “It’s not like you to ask about the asshole.”
“Just curious.”
Pia shrugged. “People don’t talk around me when it has anything to do with him because they know we’re close, so no, I have no idea.” A cheeky glint lit her eyes for
the first time in a long time. “Maybe his dick shriveled and he couldn’t get it up.”
Samira laughed, and thankfully, Pia joined in. It wasn’t that funny, but with the pent-up tension between them draining away, they laughed long and loud, until tears seeped from their eyes.
When their laughter petered out, Pia’s expression turned serious again. “I’m sorry for overreacting to your baby news, but I’ll be honest, Sam: it’s going to take me a while to process, and until then, I’m not going to be the best support person for you.”
“That’s okay.”
Though it wasn’t. Pia was her best friend, and without her to bounce ideas off or share her fears, Samira knew she’d be lost.
“How did Rory take the news . . .” Pia’s hand flew to her mouth. “Have you told Kushi yet? Man, she’s going to freak.”
“Actually, Mom was pretty good about it, a lot better than expected. And Rory’s come around.”
“I bet he didn’t freak as badly as I did.”
“Not quite, but it was a shock.”
“For us all.” Pia managed a wry smile. “I know I don’t have to say this, but please don’t mention anything to your mom about me and Dev having problems.”
Samira made a zipping motion over her lips. “I hope the retreat helps clarify things for you.”
“Me too.”
“I’m here for you,” Samira said, pulling her in for a quick hug. “Anytime.”
“Thanks.”
Pia didn’t say the same, and Samira couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Then again, at least they were talking again and Pia had been honest about needing time to process. She couldn’t expect miracles.
“Shall we do handover tomorrow?”
Pia nodded. “Let’s meet at three in the conference room.”
“Deal. And Pia?”
“Yeah?”
“For what it’s worth, I like Dev, always have, but it takes two to make a marriage work. If he’s struggling with everything, maybe he should seek professional help?”
If her bluntness surprised Pia, she didn’t show it. It may have sounded harsh, but Samira wished someone had given her honest advice about marriage when she’d felt alone in hers.
“We had fertility counseling before starting IVF, but the way he’s spiraling, I think he needs more.” Pia raised stricken eyes to hers. “I’ve mentioned it a few times, but he gets defensive or shuts down.”
“If you two are in this for the long haul, perhaps give him a gentle shove and make the appointment?”
Pia didn’t respond, but Samira almost saw the thoughts pinging around her head. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“I know Avi was a lying, cheating asshole, but did you blame yourself just a tad for your marriage breakdown when you couldn’t conceive?”
Remembering the guilt and sorrow at the time, Samira nodded. “It didn’t make sense, because he broke us, not me, but I always wondered if I’d been able to have a baby, would he not have strayed. Why do you ask?”
“Because I know Dev blames himself for our predicament. I’ve never made him feel that way, but I’m afraid the more insular Dev becomes, the more he withdraws from me, I won’t know what to do to drag him back to me, if that makes sense.”
Samira nodded. “Perfect sense. I felt incredibly guilty, which is irrational, because medical problems happen, but I also felt worthless and helpless and a big fat failure.”
“I’m so sorry you felt that way.” Tears shimmered in Pia’s eyes. “I can imagine how my big, brave husband, who’s been a high achiever since he started school, might be feeling the same way, and I don’t want him to be self-flagellating.”
“I really think he needs to see a professional. You too, sweetie.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Pia said, reaching out to touch her arm before heading for the door. “Thanks for the great advice as usual. See you tomorrow.”
Samira wished she could ease her cousin’s pain, but she had a feeling things would get worse before they got better. She liked Dev, he was a good guy, and he adored Pia. They were a great couple, and she really hoped they could work through their issues. It saddened her. Just as her life was looking up, her cousin’s was falling apart. But she couldn’t think about that now. She had a date to look forward to with her baby’s daddy, and while she hadn’t made any long-term decisions yet, she intended to enjoy herself for now and live in the moment.
Thirty-Five
Though Rory had signed the Renegades contract, he hadn’t seen the first payment yet, and that meant his date with Samira would be low-key. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be romantic. He wanted to show her how important she was to him. Every time they’d met up before this had resulted in them being in bed sooner rather than later, and while he had no complaints, he wanted to do this right.
The security guard who’d taken him up to her place several times now gave him the side-eye as he paced the foyer. She’d texted him that she’d meet him down here. He’d wanted to ask how things went with Pia, but he’d see soon enough by her expression.
The elevator doors slid open at that moment, and as he glimpsed her genuine smile, the breath he’d been unaware he’d been holding whooshed out. She looked relaxed, happy, and heart-stoppingly beautiful in a clingy black dress that highlighted her body and skimmed her curves. His gaze flicked to her belly for a moment; silly, because she was only a few weeks pregnant, but he imagined her belly swollen with his child, and he could’ve sworn his chest expanded with pride. He may be terrified of passing on his stutter to his child, but there was no turning back now. She was keeping the baby. They would be parents. He had to stop catastrophizing and focus on the positives: this woman, in his life, for however long he was lucky enough to have her.
He strode across the foyer, his heart pounding. He wanted tonight to be perfect, because three weeks away from her would be too long.
“Hey, beautiful.” He slanted a kiss across her lips, savoring the way she melded into him.
“Hey, gorgeous,” she murmured against the corner of his mouth, and he grinned as he eased away.
“You look pretty happy, so I’m guessing things went well with Pia?”
She nodded, but some of the joy in her eyes faded. “We had a good chat about the baby, but she’s going through some tough stuff with her hubby, and I’m worried.”
“You’re close, so it’s natural to worry,” he said, smoothing the tiny frown line between her brows. “But she has you in her corner; she can’t lose.”
“There you go again, knowing the right thing to say.” She caught hold of his hand. “I thought you were super quiet when we first got together, but I like that when you speak, it’s worth listening to.”
“I am quiet,” he said, as realization dawned. Usually, when he felt comfortable around someone, his chance of stuttering increased, but with Samira that hadn’t happened. In fact, in their last few interactions, he hadn’t even worried about it.
Had landing the Renegades gig given him a much-needed confidence boost? Or was there something else at play here? Had he moved beyond “comfortable” with Samira and had genuine feelings for her?
“Quiet or verbose, I like you just the same,” she said, resting her head on his shoulder. “At the risk of scaring you off, I haven’t felt so connected with a guy in forever. It’s just so easy between us.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”
She must’ve heard something in his voice, because she lifted her head to look at him. “I know tonight’s about having fun, but maybe after you get back from Queensland, we can discuss the future.”
“Uh-oh, the F word.” He pretended to wince. “You already said no to my marriage proposal, which wounded me deeply, for the record, so I’m assuming you mean we’ll discuss where you’ll have the baby, if you’ll stay in Melbourne, that kind of th
ing?”
“Yeah.” She slugged him on the arm. “And I said no because you asked out of chivalry, not undying love.”
“Can’t it be both?” He clutched at his chest. “You have no idea what you do to me.”
“That’s lust, not love.” She rolled her eyes. “And if we don’t go on this date right now, we’ll have to wait even longer to get to the lust part.”
He’d never been so tempted to say screw the date and just screw her. But he wanted to do this right, no matter how much he wanted her.
“Let’s go.”
He liked the feel of her hand in his as they strolled out of her building and into a balmy Melbourne evening. The Yarra River, visible between a nearby hotel and an office skyscraper, shimmered with the city’s reflected lights. He loved Melbourne but was looking forward to the challenge of living in a small community on set in the outback.
“You’ve reverted to quiet,” she said, swinging their arms a little.
“Just thinking about the next few weeks on set.”
“You haven’t told me much about the show.”
“I don’t know a lot, to be honest. That’s what the next three weeks are about.”
“When do you actually start filming?”
“In roughly eight weeks.”
He paused, wondering if he should tell her the rest. When he’d accepted this amazing opportunity, he hadn’t envisaged being a father or having to support her through this. With filming promising to go on for months, he wouldn’t be around much and would miss the important stuff like scans, prepping the nursery, that kind of thing. Though nothing or nobody could keep him away from the birth.
Then again, would she even want him there if he wasn’t around for the rest?
“And you’re quiet again.” She swung their arms a little higher.
“I could be away for several months,” he said. “I hate that you’ll have to go through a lot of this pregnancy on your own.”
She stopped walking and tugged on his hand so that he faced her. “I won’t be on my own. I’ve got Mom and Pia.” A blush stained her cheeks. “And if I’m going back to LA, I’ll be on my own anyway, so don’t worry about it.”