by Zoe Lea
She raised her arm, reaching out to me.
‘Ruth, we all only want what’s best for Sam,’ she said, and I couldn’t stand to hear any more. I looked from Becca to Will, unable to fully comprehend the two of them together. The way she’d just said ‘we’ when talking about my son.
‘He just wanted to know about Sam,’ Becca said. ‘He came to me, months ago, when Sam was starting with the night terrors. He just wanted to know how bad Sam was. You wouldn’t talk to him and so he came to me.’
I stared at her, unable to fully comprehend what I was hearing.
‘We didn’t mean for this to happen, for us to fall in love. Ruth, you know me, I hated myself for it, but Will loves Sam, I love Sam.’ She took a moment and we stared at each other. ‘Ruth, I love you. I didn’t know how to tell you, we just wanted to—’
‘Get rid of me?’
‘Get Sam the help he needs. The help you need. The help you both need.’
‘THE HELP WE NEED!’ I screamed back at her. ‘Becca, you are my oldest friend, you know that I’m all Sam needs.’
She shook her head, put her hands out as if to comfort me. ‘I think Sam needs much more,’ she said quietly. ‘He’s needed help for a long time. I’ve tried to tell you, but you won’t listen. Ruth, he’s bad. He’s got severe anxiety, he’s bullied at school, has panic attacks, night terrors, tantrums … you’ve refused to see any of it.’
I shook my head, backing away.
‘You’re his godmother,’ I told her. ‘You see him every week, he trusts you … ’
‘And I love him,’ she pleaded. ‘I just want him to have a chance at a normal life. To—’
‘I trusted you,’ I said, as the enormity of it began to focus in my mind. ‘You made me go to that Valentine’s dinner at your gym. You introduced me to Rob, you told me to go to his room that night. Did you know who he was? Were you seeing Will then?’
She glanced at Will.
‘And you told me to let it all die down when Janine and Ashley started sending … ’ I looked up. ‘Becca, tell me it wasn’t you. Tell me it wasn’t you that’s been sending the letters, the texts, the cupcakes … ’
They exchanged a look and I gasped as if I’d been punched in the stomach.
‘Becca?’ I begged. ‘Becca? You did that to me, sent me those things? You did that to my car, with him?’
My hand went to my throat. I was panting, the shock of it as real as if I’d been dumped in icy water.
‘My car?’ I whispered. ‘You did that to my car?’
‘We just wanted to frighten you a little,’ Will said, ‘just to prove that you weren’t able to look after Sam. I said that doing that to your car was going a bit far but—’
‘It wasn’t planned,’ Becca cut in. ‘None of this was planned. I actually thought you sleeping with Rob might be a good thing, get you back out there. I didn’t know you’d take it so bad, and then that morning, when Janine threw her phone at you –’ she glanced at Will ‘– you were so upset about it and we just thought, if you got a bit more upset, you’d see sense. You’d see you can’t look after Sam when you’re under pressure. You’re not fit, mentally. You’d see that you both need help. You’d hand Sam over and then, once he was away from you, we could get him the help he needed. And once you were alone, you’d see, see how bad you were.’
I stumbled backwards, unable to take it in.
‘Only you didn’t do that,’ Will said, ‘you got sneaky.’ He looked at Becca. ‘When she told me, when she said what you’d done, well –’ he shook his head ‘– it proves how unhinged you are. You see that now, don’t you, Ruth? That’s why I came over to your mother’s, why I wrote everything out for you to see in black and white. You’re delusional.’
‘We never meant for it to go so far, you have to believe that.’ Becca was coming towards me, her hands outstretched. ‘Why couldn’t you have just admitted defeat? It’s been so hard for you. Why did you have to do all of that?’ She pointed to the file, to the list of what I’d done.
‘BECAUSE OF SAM!’ I shouted, and Becca gave a thin smile.
‘It’s over now,’ she said. ‘You see that? You’ve done too much. I knew it when you told me the other day, you’ve gone too far.’ She glanced at Will. ‘I took a copy of the school computer, pictures and files, evidence of what you’d done. You never cleared your history, so I have it all. We’re going to call the police and it’ll only be a matter of time. You might have that last text, but you’ve no proof of any others. The police will arrest you soon. If not today, then soon, and Sam will come to us.’
I watched in horror as Becca went over to Will and took hold of his hand. ‘It’s for the best, Ruth. There’s no point in fighting it. You’ve got to think of Sam, think what’s best for him. For your son. You’ve put him through so much. Think of Sam, Ruth, and what he’d want.’
THIRTY-SIX
I didn’t have a plan as I drove to my mother’s. They say that when you’re in heightened anxiety, you have the ‘fight or flight’ instinct. To either stay and fight or run, and I was running. I couldn’t bear to look at Becca’s face any longer, to hear what she’d been doing. I turned over every text, every letter, every time she’d given me advice. It made no sense. It totally made sense. My best friend wanted to steal it all from me. She’d looked at the life I’d lost and wanted it for herself.
‘It was Becca,’ I told my mother as I got to her house. ‘Becca is with Will, she’s the one who’s been telling him everything. She’s the one who’s given him all the evidence. And she’s the one who’s been sending me stuff, doing that to my car.’
‘Becca?’ My mother’s face was confused.
‘She’s Will’s new woman. It’s her. She’s been helping Will get Sam, it’s all her. She wants what I had, what I lost. She’s got Will and now she wants Sam.’
‘What’s Auntie Becca done?’ Sam came out of the lounge, Trixie in his arms. He looked so innocent, so confused, my heart burst with love for him.
‘Don’t call her that,’ I said quickly. ‘She’s not our friend any more, she’s been lying to us.’ His eyes went wide and I held him tightly. ‘I thought Becca was a friend, but she’s not. She’s been lying to me so she can help your dad. She wants to take you away from me.’
I felt Sam take a gasp and squeezed him tighter.
‘What did she do to you?’ my mother asked, and I felt a sharp pain as she touched me. ‘You’re bleeding.’
I turned and looked at the scrape at the top of my left arm. It must’ve happened when Toby’s mother kicked me to the ground. I heard Sam whimper.
‘It’s all right,’ I told him. ‘I’m fine, it’s nothing.’
‘Mummy?’
I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I wiped it away quickly but not before Sam had seen it.
‘Mummy?’ he asked again, his voice high.
‘Your mum’s fine.’ My mother put her hands on my shoulders and steered me towards the kitchen. ‘You go back in there with Trixie, she’s the poorly one here. Let’s all just calm down.’
Sam stayed in the hallway, frozen.
‘Go on, Sam,’ my mother said, ‘while I get your mother a cup of tea and you can have a biscuit.’
He didn’t move.
‘Sam –’ I smiled at him ‘– I’m fine, sweetheart, fine. I just need a cup of tea and a minute to think, OK? Then we should probably go, me and you. We’ll get a bed and breakfast, a hotel for the night, a … ’
‘Cup of tea,’ my mother said, ‘and a plaster on that. You’re as white as a sheet, no fit state to drive. Sam, get in there and here –’ she gave him a chocolate bar ‘– eat that.’
He slowly went back into the lounge, Trixie in his arms, her mournful eyes looking out on us.
‘I haven’t got time for this,’ I told my mother. ‘They were contacting the police as I left. I need a plan. I need to think!’
She was silent for a moment. ‘I think it might be best to get the police here,’ she said after a
while. ‘You can’t run, Ruth. If you call them, give your side … ’ she shrugged. ‘What’s the alternative? You go and stay in a hotel tonight and then what? Tomorrow you leave the country? Don’t be ridiculous. Get the police, tell them what Becca and Will have been doing.’
I took a moment. She was right, but I couldn’t think of what to say, how to put it. There were my logs, my incident report, but there was also my criminal record and Ashley’s accusation of my harassment of her. I closed my eyes, thinking of Ashley, of Janine, of what I’d done to them when they hadn’t been to blame at all.
I had no money to run off anywhere and, even if I did, how would that look to social services? Perhaps the only chance I had was to go to the police before they did, before Toby’s parents did. If I went to them first, that might count for something.
I picked up my phone.
‘Now?’ my mother asked. ‘You’re doing it now?’
I nodded. I got through to the local police department after a few minutes.
‘I’m being threatened,’ I told them. ‘I want it reporting. I’ve an incident report from when my car was vandalised and now I know who is responsible and I’m being threatened by them. It’s Becca Kelly and Will Clarkson, they’re the ones who’ve been sending me abusive texts, letters, following me in their car.’ My voice faltered as I said it and thought about the night Glen was stopped. That must have been Becca, or was it Will? Shining the lights in our faces. ‘They’re threatening to take my son away from me.’
There was a pause.
‘Are you in danger now?’
‘No. I don’t know. I’m not sure.’
‘Where are you calling from?’
‘My mother’s, over by Hadrian’s Wall.’ I leaned forward. ‘I could come by the station later,’ I told him, ‘make a statement, but I didn’t know what the procedure was, I wanted to—’
A loud scream from the lounge stopped me.
‘Sam?’
‘They’re here!’ he shouted loudly. ‘They’re driving up the path!’
‘Do you need assistance? Hello?’
I looked at my mother. ‘Yes,’ I told the police officer, ‘send someone over. Now.’
Sam was hysterical. He ran into the kitchen, hugging Trixie who was yelping. He went to the back door, tried to run out, but I stopped him.
‘Wait,’ I said, ‘calm down. We won’t let them in and I’ve called the police.’
He stopped at that.
‘The police are coming, no one is taking you anywhere. They’ll go when I tell them that.’
‘Ruth.’ Will was suddenly in the kitchen, his bulky figure dominating the small space. ‘We think it’s best Sam come with us, in case you leave, in case you run … ’
I looked behind him to where Becca was. ‘He’ll be safe with us,’ she told me. ‘Let him come home while the police sort it out.’
She looked behind me, to where Sam was.
‘Sam?’ she said, her voice sickly smooth. ‘It’s Auntie Becca. You want to come home with me? I’ve got your favourite pizza and I thought we could watch that film you like, or we could get you a new computer game. Me, you and your dad?’
She was insane. It hit me then, as I watched her. I’d been thinking it was Janine, or Ashley, or Will, that they were the unhinged ones, but as I watched Becca, her eyes alight, trying to cajole Sam out from behind me, I realised it was her, she was insane. Acting like someone I’d never met as she tried to coax my son with promises of pizzas and games, with Will whom she’d called an utter wanker numerous times, Will, who she swore she hated and, now, she was with him? Getting married to him and trying to take my son? She was insane.
‘You need to leave right now,’ my mother shouted at Becca. ‘The pair of you. This is my house and you need to get out.’
‘Viv,’ it was Will, walking towards us. ‘Vivien, calm down, we all just want what’s best for Sam … ’
It was then that Sam darted past us all.
Without a sound he ran out from behind me, right through the house and out of the front door. Becca made a grab for him as he passed, shouting his name, but he was gone. He swung open the door so much that it banged against the wall then my son ran out into the night.
THIRTY-SEVEN
‘Sam!’ my voice echoed back to me. I could hear my mother’s voice behind me shouting to him, could hear Will and Becca shouting. ‘Sam, come here, it’s not safe!’
I cursed the fact that we hadn’t got the money to do the fence, to separate the land. Sam would be running, blindly running in the dark, probably over the farm land now, tripping over rocks, cutting his legs on thistles. There was nothing for miles and he was a frightened boy of eight.
‘Please!’ I shouted as loud as my lungs would let me. ‘Sam, come back!’
I could see Will, using his phone as a torch, walking up the farm land, could hear his voice. I’d already told him it was useless, that there was no way Sam would come running back to him, but he’d refused to leave.
‘Sam!’ I heard Becca’s voice. It sounded close, like she was near the house.
I walked to where it was coming from. If I had any hope of making Sam come back that night, I needed her gone.
‘Go,’ I said walking up to her. I had an old torch that my mother used, its light dim in the black night, but it was enough to see her stumbling about, her heels digging into the ground as she moved on the uneven terrain. ‘You need to leave right now,’ I said. ‘My son is in danger and he won’t come back to me while you’re here, while Will’s here, so you need to leave and take Will with you.’
She turned to me, her eyes wide. ‘I need to make sure he’s OK,’ she said. ‘I can’t go with Sam out there, all alone.’
‘You made him go out there,’ I told her. ‘You made him run. If you hadn’t have come here my son would still be watching television and he’d be safe.’
She bristled then. ‘Your son hasn’t been safe for a long time.’
I opened my mouth in disbelief.
‘You put on this act, Ruth, like you care about him, that he’s your everything, but when it comes down to it, you only care about yourself. I’ve seen you. You forget, but I’ve seen everything. I saw you when you first had him, how you didn’t love him.’
I let out a shocked gasp. ‘I had post-natal depression.’
‘Do you know how lucky you were? How lucky you are? And then you go and say you’ve got depression?’ She flung her arm out to the dark world around us. ‘There are people out there with real problems – people who are alone, who haven’t got a mother like yours. Who haven’t got a loving son, who have nobody. And yet, there you are, poor Ruth.’
I stumbled back, shocked by her words.
‘Poor, poor Ruth. Lovely house and lovely baby and she’s depressed, can’t get out of bed. No wonder her husband has an affair and leaves her. And then, what does she do? Does she snap out of it? No, poor Ruth gets anxiety. Depression and anxiety, and loses her shit and wants everyone to rally around her but what about her lovely boy? What about Sam?’
As she was talking, she was walking towards me and, without realising, I was stumbling back, back into the garden behind the house. Her words were filled with venom, a spiteful rage. I was unable to do anything other than watch her face as she talked.
‘I’ll tell you what happens to Sam,’ she said. ‘He thinks that having anxiety and depression is the norm. He sees his mum not getting dressed or leaving the house for days and thinks it’s perfectly fine, so he starts to do it, and what does his mum do? Does she help him? No. She encourages him. You enable him, Ruth. You’re the worst kind of mother there is.’
‘I didn’t … ’ I couldn’t get my words out. ‘Sam is fragile, he needs care. He needs me … ’
‘And when he has problems at school, what do you do then, Ruth?’ She was approaching me now, getting close. ‘You had a little chat with the teacher about how he needs special attention. You get her to reward his bad behaviour. Did it even occur to you t
hat Sam has worked it out that the only way to get attention from you is when he’s acting up?’
‘No, Sam has a serious condition, the doctor—’
‘Have you heard of those mothers who live through their children? Who make their children ill so they can get attention? It’s called Munchausen’s by proxy, Ruth, and Will might not quite believe you’re there, but I know it.’
I was at the side of the house now, the area where the ground is rough and uneven. I stumbled over a rock, felt something go underneath me and had to take a few quick steps to regain my balance.
‘I knew you’d never give up the one thing that’s giving you attention, but you need to think of Sam. That’s why I sent you those messages, the letters, the texts. Your ridiculous cupcakes filled with dog shit. Will said it was too much, he didn’t want to do it, but I knew it was the only way that it’d work. I know exactly what you’re like, Ruth, how you only care about yourself. How selfish you are. You don’t deserve Sam. You don’t deserve a lovely boy like that, when I’ve got nothing. It’s not fair. It’s never been fair, and you don’t realise it. That’s why we followed you.’ She laughed. ‘I even got my neighbour’s car! I persuaded Will to follow you about so you’d crack. I did all that so you’d stop, give Sam up. See what you’re doing to him. See that you’re not fit to be a mother. Sam will be so much better with me. He’ll get healthy. See what it’s like to be out in the world, have a better diet, start hobbies, do things. You need to give him up. You need to give him to me.’
She was close, too close. I could see her face in the dim light, her eyes wide and fierce.
‘Never,’ I said and pushed her away. ‘Sam is never leaving me.’
‘Oh, he is,’ she said. ‘I’ve finally got you now. Got enough to take Sam away, and enough to keep him away. I’ll have the lot, everything you didn’t appreciate. Your husband, your son, and we’ll be a proper family. Only this time, I won’t throw it all away like you did. I’ll be the mother that Sam deserves.’