Barbin called me back within the hour. She was going to stay for the wedding in the morning.
“I’m glad you decided to stay, Barbin,” I said.
“Oh, I bet.”
I didn’t like the tone of her voice. It was the one that she reserved for use when she was really outdone with me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Does it really matter, now?” she said as if resigned to some unknown fate.
“I wish you would just say what’s on your mind, young lady,” I said somewhat tired of this whole wedding business. I was agitated at her for some reason. In my mind I saw her and Laura sitting on a bed together down there in San Antonio laughing and having a good time, but I didn’t get a sense that was the way it was playing out.
“I can’t. I promised Laura I wouldn’t tell you.”
That made me even angrier. “Secrets are one thing, but not telling me something because Laura told you not to, is not acceptable. I’m your father,” I said.
“Oh, please. Since when did you ever...,” she started, but then stopped.
I suspected that maybe she had remembered a few times that contradicted the charge that she was about to level at me and she had second thoughts. I remembered how easy it was at that age to hurl an insult at a minor slight from my father to cover up a much more painful hurt that I didn’t want to deal with.
“What happened with Laura is in the past. I’m talking to you right now. Talk to me, Barbin,” I said with a lump in my throat. My daughter was a hundred miles away and I was trying to communicate with her over the phone when I should have been there with her and locked into her, eye to eye.
“Why don’t you love Laura?” she asked and then choked up.
I could hear her voice crack. This was obviously important to her. “I do care about Laura,” I said. How did I explain to her that it wasn’t enough to just care about someone? There were degrees to love and there were other considerations; the baggage of the past, for one.
“Then why aren’t you here? She’s getting married in the morning. She’s having a baby,” she cried.
I didn’t know what to say. A million things raced through my mind, not the least of which was my daughter’s question to me. I knew that my answer would define in her mind forever my character or the lack of it. I tried to do the math, but I couldn’t concentrate. “I didn’t know, Barbin. I swear. Laura never said anything to me.” And it was true. I had no idea that she was pregnant.
“She can’t marry that man, Daddy. Ask her not to, please.”
“Put her on,” I said.
“Really?”
“Really,” I said with a determination to stop Laura from making a big mistake.
It’s funny how dreams work. Even though I was asleep and heavily into the dream and my emotions back then, I knew the difference between then and now while I was sprawled out in my recliner. I winced at the absurdity of such a statement to Barbin and twisted the throw into a knot. Barbin was the woman she was today in no small part due to my actions back then. She had sized me up and I had fallen short in her eyes.
Barbin had set the phone down and went to get Laura. After the first minute I realized that Laura wouldn’t come to the phone. “Can you blame her,” I demanded of myself.
“Daddy, she doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“We can’t make her do something she doesn’t want to. Tell her,” I said and paused. I realized that I didn’t know what to say to her any more than I did to Barbin.
“Tell her what?”
“Tell her for me, that she shouldn’t get married.”
“That’s it?” she demanded.
“Yeah.”
“That’ll stop her in her tracks,” she said sarcastically. “How about, you love her and you want her to be our mother.”
“She won’t buy it. Look, I don’t think she should get married, either. Not like this. But Laura will do what she wants to do. You know how she is. It’s her choice, right or wrong.”
“It’s her choice, but it’s your fault,” she said and hung up on me.
I didn’t think it was my fault. She must have been seeing someone before or after our breakup. A man had a sense for those kinds of things.
I went into work late that night.
“I could have told you this would happen,” a co-worker had said after I explained the situation to him.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I replied back. Jake knew about my rocky relationship with Laura.
“There’s only two ways a woman can leave her mark on a man. Laura saw she could never do it the same way your wife had. You wouldn’t let her. So now she has your child and she’s going leave a mark on you, a bad one, and you’ll carry it to your grave.”
“I don’t know it’s my child. She was dating other men.”
Laura was getting married at nine in the morning a world away. I decided before the shift was over that I was going to be there, even if I wasn’t invited.
I figured Laura would have a heart attack if she knew I had driven down to San Antonio, so I had to be careful in my timing. Too soon and she would call the cops. This would require some finesse, a little James Bond coolness, and of course, a lot of luck, I told myself. Those were things that I didn’t have at my disposal and certainly weren’t in my nature to begin with. Coolness and luck were not something I possessed in my forties. My plan was to arrive there just before the ceremony, talk to the guy she was going to marry, and let logic prevail. He was way too old for her. There wasn’t any point in trying to reason with Laura. She wouldn’t believe me anyway.
When I arrived in San Antonio, I called Barbin from a payphone at a Seven-Eleven.
“Holy Cow, I can’t believe it!” she said excitedly.
“Look, you can’t let Laura know I’m here. Where’s the wedding?”
“This is so unbelievable.”
“I need to talk to Landau. Where’s the wedding going to be?”
“We’re getting ready to leave in about thirty minutes. I think it’s called Saint Luke’s. It’s Episcopal.”
“I’ll find it. Are you doing okay?”
“I am now.”
“Bring all of your stuff to the wedding if you can.”
“What are you going to do?”
I detected a change in her voice. The practical and pragmatic Barbin I knew so well got the best of her at the prospect of living life on the edge.
“I’m not sure,” I said.
“Oh, God!”
“Hey, it’s going to be okay. You know I care for Laura, don’t you?”
“I guess.”
“Well, I do. Now let’s see if we can square the situation. Are you with me?”
“Daddy,” she pleaded.
She was wavering. “Why do you think I came down here, to wish her well? It’s now or never. Are you with me?” There was a long pause. “Barbin?”
“Yes, okay.” There wasn’t much conviction in her voice.
The large Episcopal Church on St. Luke’s Lane wasn’t hard to find on the city map I picked up at a Texaco Station when I filled up. I straightened my clip-on tie in the rear-view mirror and paused a moment before getting out of the old Buick. The adrenaline was racing through me and I was high as a kite.
I found Walter Landau in the back of the church talking with his son and the priest. Walter Senior wasn’t a bad looking man for his age. He looked distinguished and educated.
“Walter,” I said as I walked up to him, interrupting his conversation with the priest.
“Yes?” he replied and looked at me funny. Maybe I was pumped more than I thought and he could sense something was afoot.
“Max Howard,” I said and extended my hand. He didn’t take it.
“Would you excuse me, Father Hamilton,” he said to the priest. The priest looked at me and then nodded at Walter. I could tell he was puzzled by Walter’s behavior, but sensed it was a private matter. His son stayed. “Wally, give me a moment,” he said to his s
on. “What do you want?” he then said to me, matter-of-factly. He didn’t seem angry, just annoyed that I had showed up uninvited to his wedding.
“I came to see if I could talk you out of this.”
He shook his head. I couldn’t tell if he meant no, or his gesture was one of amazement at my stupidity. “Laura told me all about you.”
“Did she tell you whose kid she’s carrying?” I asked.
“Of course, she did. We have no secrets between us. Laura and I have known one another for a long time.”
“So, what are we going to do about this? She’s having someone else’s baby and you’re marrying her.”
“Well, the first thing I’m going to do is call the police, then I intend to get married in fifteen minutes,” he said and checked his watch. He moved in close to me and then poked me in the chest with his finger. “My advice to you, Howard, is to leave now, before the police arrive.”
So much for reasoning with the guy; though, I admired his grit. He was less than twelve inches from my face and I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t a man that was easily intimidated. Having a lot of money did that for you. My first thought was to bring my knee up quickly and end any chance for a happy honeymoon right then and there. But that was the old Max Howard. I had turned over a new leaf while on the drive down. My heart really wasn’t in a nasty confrontation.
“Walter, I figure you to be in your late sixties. So maybe you’ve got maybe ten good years left. Think of your own kids and grandkids.”
Even in the dream the irony of that argument did not escape me and almost woke me up.
“I don’t live my life through my children,” Walter had said.
Maybe that sage advice was what guided me to this day, I thought to myself in my semi-conscious state.
“You want to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life? She’ll be in her prime when you’re in your seventies. You think you’ll be able to compete? What about your own children? What do they think about someone else’s child getting a piece of your estate?”
He stood there for a moment and looked at me in sort of a bemused wonderment, which threw me off stride.
I was surprised back then, but now I understood his look as only getting older can teach a man. God, could I have been that stupid then? The answer was of course, yes.
I remembered that I noticed his eyes widen in anticipation before I actually heard Laura’s footsteps coming up behind me. I turned quickly. Good God, she was big and beautiful. Barbin was a few yards behind her. I could tell Barbin hadn’t been able to keep my presence a secret. She looked all grownup and beautiful too. It was a moment I wanted to savor looking at the both of them. But I couldn’t. Laura was too mad and I was on my guard. She had a mean right hook.
She was looking at Walter, then at me, and back and forth. This went on for several seconds. I remembered the power behind her swing so I kept a little distance between her and me. I was standing shoulder to shoulder with Walter, facing her. I put my arm around his shoulders and gave him a slight hug. “Good man, Laura,” I said for lack of anything else to say. I felt pretty stupid at that moment. It had just occurred to me that I was, and always would be ill-starred, when it came to women. I should have stayed in Austin that day.
“I know that, but what are you doing here?” Laura demanded.
“I drove up this morning in case Barbin wanted to go back after the wedding rather than the reception. She sounded pretty exhausted last night when we talked.”
Barbin rolled her eyes and gave me one of her looks that I knew well even today. It said I was an idiot.
“Liar.”
Laura moved toward us. I stepped forward to embrace her, but she pushed me away. Instead she leaned forward and kissed Walter gently on the lips. “Let’s get married,” she said to him.
“I came up here to tell you I don’t think you should do this. I’d like you to come home with Barbin and I,” I said and realized I was my own worst enemy.
She turned to Barbin and caressed her cheek. “Go take your place; I’ll be there in a moment.”
Barbin hesitated. I motioned to her with my eyes that it was okay to do as Laura had said. I suddenly became aware of the organ music from inside the church.
“Walter, let me talk to Max a second.”
He looked at me nervously, like he was about to get screwed. “Are you going to be okay?”
She nodded that she would be. Walter left the two of us alone. “Max, Max,” she said to distract me as she moved in closer. She let go with her right hand, but I was ready and grabbed her wrist before she could hit me.
“You’re too late.” She bit her lip to keep herself from giving into the tears. “The only reason you want me now is because I’m marrying another man and you can’t handle that.”
“That’s not true, Laura. I’m here because you’re carrying our baby.”
“Our baby? Who told you that?”
“Barbin.”
She shook her head. “She must have misunderstood the gossip. I know what everyone is saying. This isn’t your child, Max.”
“Whoa!” A thousand questions crossed my mind that I wanted to ask her in the split second it took me to get my tongue and mind in coordination again. “Don’t play games with something this serious, Laura.”
She looked hard at me, her eyes squinting, but burning with intensity. Suddenly she laughed and shook her head, as if to shake herself free from some trance. “I’m not. Goodbye, Max. Don’t come inside. I don’t want you at my wedding,” she said as she turned to walk back into the church and to Walter.
I watched her walk away. “Laura,” I said when she paused at the door to look back. “Have a good life,” was all I could come up with. She ignored me and went inside. I heard the music again and took it as my cue to leave. I went outside to the car to wait for the ceremony to be over. My wife, Barbara, was leaning against the front fender watching the clouds pass over.
“How did it go?” she asked as I walked up to the car.
“Not at all like I expected,” I said.
“Well, some things never change,” she said.
Later that afternoon, Barbin’s eyes were heavy and she was fighting the urge to fall sleep. She was still dressed in the outfit that Laura had bought for her to wear to the reception after the wedding. We hadn’t spoken much since leaving San Antonio. I lifted my arm over her shoulders and pulled her to me. I was surprised when she didn’t resist.
“You look tired,” I said.
“I am.”
“Why don’t you close your eyes for a little while? We still have a long ride before we get to Austin.”
She snuggled in closer to me. I held my breath for the moment to last.
“She didn’t love him,” she said.
I could tell by her voice that it wasn’t a statement of fact meant to inform me, but rather one of disappointment.
“Sweetheart, people get married for a lot of reasons besides love.”
“I’m never going to get married,” she said.
My first reaction was, “That’s fine with me,” but I owed her more than that. I didn’t say what I was thinking. She had been disillusioned once again by events in life that she had no control over.
“Yes, you will, Barbin. One day you will find someone who will love you with all his heart and you won’t be able to imagine spending your life with anyone but him. That’s the way it works.”
“Not for me.”
“Sure, it does. You’ll be as vulnerable to love as all of us are. It’s part of our human nature. You just need to give it another ten years.”
“Daddy,” she said and paused for a moment.
“What, Sweetheart?”
“What if no one loves me?”
“I can’t imagine that ever happening, Barbin. You’re smart, beautiful, kind, generous, loving, all of the qualities anyone looks for in someone else. Those feelings you have right now are perfectly normal for someone your age. As you mature in the ne
xt couple of years you’ll become more confident in yourself, trust me. You’ll have more boys than you’ll know what to do with.”
“Really?”
“Really. I’ll probably have to stand outside on the steps, just to keep order in the line of boys wanting to ask you out,” I said and smiled. “You know what I wish most for you?”
“That I don’t get pregnant?”
That certainly brought me back to reality. “Well, yes, that too. What I was going to say was that I hoped that you would be happy. Your mother had an amazing capacity to rise above everything and accept life as it came to her. She was the happiest and most content person I ever knew before she got sick. You are like her in so many ways. I want you to experience that happiness too. And one way to start is not to worry about what might happen to you. Life will take care of itself. Your job is just to enjoy it all while you’re a kid.”
I looked for Barbara on the seat next to Barbin, expecting a nod of approval from her, but she wasn’t there. I tossed her absence up to the fact she’d never liked my driving.
“Does that mean I can start dating?”
I yawned and pretended to be looking at something up ahead in the road.
That was the last time I ever saw Laura Miller. After she married Walter Landau she kept in touch with Barbin and life moved on.
A mocking bird greeting the morning sun woke me up and I headed back to bed for a couple of hours of sleep before I called Sunny. I needed to tell her that I might have a son I hadn’t known about.
Chapter 9
When I called Sunny on the Lummi Reservaion, she was less than thrilled with the news about George. It was around seven in the morning out there. She handed the phone to Katie so I could talk to her and didn’t bother to say goodbye.
“Did you brush Apple?” Katie asked as if she knew I hadn’t.
“I will.”
“When?”
The Turbulence of Butterflies (Max Howard Series Book 6) Page 10