Regardless of what happens, tomorrow or weeks or months from now, please remember you have a purpose. There is a reason for you being here. And please know, I am always here. You have my number, my email, and you know where I live. I will always be your friend, I am always here if you need me, and I will always be praying for you.
Take care,
Connor
Sad and angry sobs broke free from Caroline’s chest. She covered her face with her hands as the tears came down. Not Edison. No. That poor horse. He doesn’t deserve that.
She forced herself to breathe, focused on getting air in and out of her lungs. Her sobs stopped, leaving behind just a few stray tears. Stumbling to her closet, she opened the door and sat down, reaching in and running her hand over a smooth, wooden box. Her fingers left a trail in the dust coating the lid. She pulled it out, running her thumb over the cold, metal clasp.
The box creaked as she opened it. Tension built up in her stomach as the headline from the Evening Nation jumped out at her from the top of the box’s contents: “Caroline Davis Critically Injured in Rotational Fall. Beaus and Ribbons Euthanized.” Caroline picked up the article, the paper rattling as her fingers trembled. She saw the picture of her and Beau from their last competition before the accident at the North American Young Riders Championships. They were clearing the Preliminary cross-country fence with a foot to spare, locked on the next jump. They had been the favorite to win the Championships and had been sitting in first after Dressage. But one wrong step before the double log, with a height of three feet, seven inches and an even larger width had caused Beau to hang a leg on the front of the jump, sending them both to the ground. The horse had scrambled, trying to get off Caroline, but his injuries had been too severe. He couldn’t get up. Caroline could remember the fear in his eyes, the same eyes she’d seen on Edison.
The next items in the box were letters from riders and trainers all around the country who had been pulling for her as she spent six weeks in the hospital. Her pelvis had been fractured, and she had some other internal injuries. She moved past the letters, to all the ribbons and medals she and Beau had won. Fingering the silky cloth, she could almost hear the applause and cheer of the crowd during a victory lap.
Caroline put the pile of ribbons aside and came to the last item in the box. To this day, she didn’t know who had been kind enough to do this, to save the only part of Beau they could. She gently fingered the braided piece of black and gray tail that was tied together with maroon ribbon, and lifted it from the box. Maroon had been Beau’s color. She lifted the tail to her face and inhaled. Even after years of being in that box, it still smelled like her beloved partner.
The touch of his tail and the smell of Beau was too much to take. Caroline found herself sobbing again, crying for the horse she had loved and couldn’t save, but also for the girl she had been.
Minutes passed before she felt like she was all cried out. Her eyes were red and raw, and her heart was torn open. Exhausted and trembling, she put the ribbons, the letters, and the article back in the box. She clutched the braided tail to her chest and lay back down, turning off the light.
Caroline fell into a brief and restless sleep. The desperate whinnies of Beau and Edison in her dreams woke her up. Her pillow was damp with a mix of sweat and tears, and her heart was pounding. She rolled over on to her back and stared up at the ceiling. She watched the fan whirling above her head and thought about the part of her secret that no one knew, not even Connor.
That she blamed herself for Beau’s death.
If she’d ridden him to that jump differently, or hadn’t been trapped under him after he fell, she could have saved him. If she’d put up a stronger fight as the paramedics loaded her into the ambulance, she could have begged the vet to try something, anything, besides putting him down. Or if there was truly nothing that could have been done for him, she could have at least been there to say goodbye. To ask him for forgiveness. And now another horse would lose his life because she was trapped.
She remembered a piece of one of her sporadic, restless dreams: she was galloping toward a jump, the wind rushing past her through the grass and the trees, the red and blond mane brushing against her cheeks as she and the horse set their eyes and hearts onto the fence before them. She was happy, happier than she could remember being since before the wreck.
She tried to go back to sleep, but she couldn’t let go of the idea of happiness and Edison. She finally gave up, got dressed, and made her way to her car.
She had one destination in mind.
Twenty-Six
The longing in Caroline’s heart tangled with the fear in her mind. With shaking hands, she pulled her car over just before the long driveway. Checking in her rearview mirror, she saw tears and terror reflecting from her pale blue eyes. It’s now or never. He needs you. She blinked back her tears as she pulled her car back on to the road. The sun fought to peak through low-hanging clouds that clung to the tops of the mountains. The few rays that won cast a golden glow over everything they reached. Parking her car, she eased her door shut. Her feet sank into the damp soil, forcing her to slow her steps. She didn’t want anyone to know she was there.
Caroline pulled her gray sweatshirt closer to her body, placing the hood over her ponytail to hide her hair and face. She crept her way down the fence line, sneaking her way closer to the smallest barn on the property. It loomed ahead of her. Her body went numb and her heart pounded as she thought about going in, as she remembered the last time she had seen Edison and how terrified and angry he had been. But she knew she had to get to him. She knew she had a job to do. Two futures were at stake.
She managed to go unseen until she reached her chosen destination. She heard the voices of Connor’s parents inside the office, just by the entrance. She peered around the corner, wondering if all of this would be in vain. She saw the door to the office was partly closed, so she quickened her pace and slid past. She rushed by without making a sound.
Caroline slowed her steps as she continued down the aisle. She could sense Edison’s tension and restlessness from two doors down, forcing her to pause and wonder if she could really handle this.
A hand reached out and touched her shoulder, startling her. She gasped and whirled around, wondering who had discovered her.
“What are you doing here?” Connor whispered.
She read his expression before answering. He wasn’t mad at her, didn’t seem upset. Just curious. She swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall as she answered. “Connor…I want to believe again. I want to find the purpose God has for me. If it really is Edison, I can’t let it happen. I can’t let him die without trying. I’m so tired of being trapped.”
One tear escaped from her eye and onto her cheek. Connor reached out and wiped it away with his thumb. “I’m glad you came.”
“I’m sorry. For disappearing, for not telling you about me. And my accident. I should have. I still want to.” Caroline searched his eyes. “But I need to see Edison first.”
“You can tell me anything you want to. I’ll even give you some fries or something.” Connor smiled to lighten the moment. “But you’re right. We should see him first.”
Together they headed to the stallion’s stall. Caroline’s breath caught in her throat as she saw how much weight he had lost in the three weeks since the open house. He was tense and his muscles were rigid again. “Oh, Edison,” she gasped as more tears threatened to fall.
“I know. It’s bad.”
Edison squealed and kicked the wall, the door vibrating from his power. He eyed Caroline and Connor, pawing at the ground. Caroline swallowed, focusing on the horse and the happiness she had felt when she was riding him in her one good dream.
Slipping her hand into Connor’s, she closed her eyes, trying something she hadn’t done in years. God, I want to believe in You and Your purpose for me. I may never understand why I had to lose Beau, or why I had to get hurt, but You do. I want to try and move past it. I don’t want to
be trapped. Can you help me? Can You show me what to do?
When Caroline opened her eyes, she felt more peace than she had in a long time. She looked up at Connor. “Can I go in?”
“Yeah, just please be careful.”
“I will be. And you’ll be here, right?” Caroline gave Connor a small smile.
He smiled back. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Caroline took a deep breath, focusing on Edison. She unlatched the stall door, pulling it open just wide enough for her to sneak in. Edison arched his neck, flattening his ears against his head.
“Hey, boy. You don’t need to do that. It’s just me. Remember?” Caroline kept her voice low, and kept her eyes down toward the floor, the least threatening place for her gaze. He lowered his head, snorting at her.
Caroline took a few more small steps toward him. His ears relaxed as he blinked at her. “That’s a good boy. It’s just me. I’m not going to do anything to hurt you, okay?”
When she got close enough to touch him, she reached out, rubbing his shoulder with her knuckles. His muscles twitched, tightening as he arched his neck again. His eyes rolled back at her, the whites of his eyes showing. Fear started to rise in her stomach, and tears stung at her eyes, but she shoved them away. “Please, Edison,” she whispered. “I couldn’t save Beau, but please, let me save you. I’m sorry I disappeared. It won’t happen again. I need you as much as you need me.”
Edison flicked his ears as he listened to her. His eyes softened as he recognized her. “There you go, buddy.” Caroline murmured to him, petting his shoulder. Edison sighed, and his entire body relaxed. He turned his head and nuzzled Caroline’s hair with his nose.
Caroline didn’t move a muscle as Edison blew his breath into her face. She inhaled the scent of his sweet breath, smiling through her tears. Reaching up, she ran her fingers through his forelock. She turned, meeting Connor’s gaze, and saw tears in his eyes, too.
Connor took slow steps into the stall, stopping behind Caroline. Edison stretched his neck out, taking in his scent, before turning his attention back to Caroline. Connor lifted his hand, placing it over Caroline’s, lacing his fingers with hers, intertwining them with Edison’s flaxen forelock.
Caroline smiled, looking over her shoulder at Connor. “I think he’s going to be okay.”
Connor smiled back at her, looking at Edison, then back to her. “I think we all are.”
About the Author
Erica Zaborac is from Southern Arizona. She earned her bachelor’s degree in Animal Science with an Equine Emphasis from the University of Arizona. She earned her master’s degree from Southern New Hampshire University in English and Creative Writing.
Erica is a middle school math and science teacher and owns eight horses.
Erica’s love for writing began in elementary school. In fifth grade, a poem she wrote was selected for publication. She realized her thoughts and dreams came to life when put down on paper.
Writing remains Erica’s first love. Caroline’s Purpose is her debut novel. She wants to use her gift and love of writing to bring glory to God, and to encourage her readers into a relationship with Him.
Connect with Erica at:
ericazaborac.wordpress.com
facebook.com/ezaboracauthor
instagram.com/ezaborac
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