What was Chasan doing in her room? A wave of helplessness washed over me at the possibility that I was too late, that she had already changed her mind about me.
I gave myself a hard mental shake. She had just happened upon Maris outside my bedchamber. I had no right to these feelings. Jealousy, annoyance . . . the dark impulse to grab Chasan and stomp all over him wasn’t something I could give in to. It wasn’t something I wanted to feel.
The prince turned and I quickly pressed myself against the wall, pressing hard into the stone, trying to make myself invisible. Chasan passed by without glancing left, then turned the corner.
With a deep breath I collected myself and stepped away from the wall. I strode to Luna’s room, determination fueling me. I couldn’t be too late.
I knocked once lightly, so as not to frighten her, and then walked inside.
She whirled around as I shut the door behind me. There was a flash of panic on her face, and I hated that I made her feel that way. For all she knew I was a stranger storming into her room.
She sucked in a deep breath—hopefully not to scream—and the alarm subsided from her features. By scent or sound, she knew it was me.
“What are you doing in here?”
“Does Chasan visit your room in the middle of the night regularly?” I couldn’t help myself. The ugly beast that had stirred inside me when I spotted him leaving her room insisted on surfacing.
“I don’t know. Does Maris visit yours?”
I sighed. “That wasn’t what it looked like.” I stared at her, waiting for her to offer me the same reassurance. It never came. She crossed her arms over her chest and cocked one eyebrow.
I rocked back on my heels, fighting down the impulse to demand why Chasan was in her room as though it was my right to know. It was a battle lost. “Why was he here?”
“Are you truly asking me that?” Indignation hung on every word. Her implication was clear: How could I ask that after she’d just found me with Maris?
“Chasan is not Maris. He’s no harmless suitor. He is as manipulative and cunning as his father.” And I’d seen the way he looked at Luna.
“Is that so? And how often have you seen him exactly? Talked to him? You’ve scarcely risen from your sickbed, where Maris attends you ever so diligently.”
“I’ve seen it in his eyes. I know his sort.”
She inhaled swiftly, pulling her shoulders back, and I knew I had said the wrong thing. I hadn’t meant to make it sound like I viewed her as less in any way because of her blindness, but that was precisely what I had done. “Oh, that’s right. I’m merely a blind girl. I can’t possibly be a good judge of character.”
The word merely couldn’t be applied Luna. Not in any way. She would always be everything. Of course, if I were to tell her that right now, she wouldn’t believe me.
Sighing, I dragged a hand through my hair. “I didn’t come here to fight with you.”
“You shouldn’t have come here at all.”
“Oh, I shouldn’t, but it’s acceptable for Chasan to visit you in the middle of the night?”
“He wanted to make sure I was all right after what happened. He saved my life tonight.”
He saved her life? It made me resent him all the more. I should have been there for her. I didn’t want to think she might need him. “You don’t even know him,” I shot back.
“He’s my betrothed,” she replied evenly, but there was a stiffness to her voice that was impossible to miss.
I froze. Hearing this from her curdled my blood. “Is that true? You’ll marry him?” My heart raced at the possibility that she had accepted this as her fate.
“Is that not the expectation?”
Not precisely an answer. “I’ve never cared much about the expectations of others.” Nor had I thought she cared. I’d imagined that she’d be eager to leave this place. But if I were to believe her now, she wouldn’t be leaving with me.
She snorted and edged even farther away from me. “I just caught you kissing Maris, and here you stand wanting me to define my relationship with Chasan.” She flung out her words like a well-aimed arrow and tsked. “Hardly reasonable.”
“She kissed me.” The truth, but it rang weakly even to my ears.
Luna released a huff of hollow laughter and shook her head, clearly not impressed with my excuse. “You don’t owe me an explanation. I don’t own your lips.”
My chest swelled on a tense breath. “You know how I feel about you. I haven’t hid my feelings—”
“Fowler, don’t.”
“We need to talk,” I insisted, following her retreating form across the room. She used to listen to me, but now she felt distant.
She continued backing away from me, cocking her head at a wary angle. “If you are found in here—”
“They’re keeping us apart.” I stayed dogged in my pursuit of her, my steps biting into the plush rug covering the stone floor. “You have to see that. Since we arrived here. They don’t want us alone together.”
She shrugged, twisting her hands into the voluminous fabric of her nightgown. “It matters not. There’s nothing we have to say to each other worth risking their displeasure—”
“Risking their displeasure? Do you hear yourself? You sound frightened . . . beaten. Where is the Luna that I know?”
“Maybe you don’t know me. Maybe you never did. I certainly don’t know you.” Her chest lifted high on a quick inhalation. I knew she was thinking about me standing in the corridor with Maris, and regret stabbed me in the chest.
“You’re wrong.” I stepped forward and touched her face. She flinched but didn’t pull back. I clung to that. I could still reach her. “Do you feel my gaze on you? Do you feel my heart, Luna? It’s yours. It belongs to you. You know me.” I added my other hand to her face, holding her as gently as a bird in my hands, careful not to crush her wings.
Moisture gathered in her ink-dark eyes. Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. “I thought I did. I don’t blame you for your birth. I’m not angry about that anymore. It’s not your fault who your father is. But that doesn’t change the fact that I still don’t know you. I don’t know what it is that truly drives you, I don’t know why you’re running from your father, I don’t know why you’re agreeable to staying here, to marrying Maris—”
“You. You drive me. It didn’t used to be that way. I can’t explain exactly when or how it became that way. But that’s the way it is.”
She didn’t speak for some time, various emotions flickering across her face. She looked down at the ground as though she felt the weight of my stare and needed to escape it. “What?” I asked. “What are you thinking? Tell me, Luna. Talk to me.”
She gave a slight shake of her head. “Maris—”
“Means nothing to me,” I finished for her. “I know how it sounded. It’s how I need it to look.”
“What are you saying? You don’t really want to stay here and marry—”
“I’m saying that we’re getting out of here. I’m saying that we can still go to Allu. It’s not some hopeless, distant dream. We can be together, Luna, but they have to believe we want to be here. They have to believe we’re content, and when they don’t suspect it, we escape.”
The longest pause followed. Bleakness crossed her face. “What of Relhok? My kingdom? If neither one of us marries into the royal family of Lagonia, then we leave Relhok to Cullan. I don’t know if I can do that. I know weeks ago I thought I could.” She gave a slight shrug. “I thought the dream of Allu was the only thing that mattered, but now . . .”
Frustration bubbled up inside me. How much of herself would she give? How much would she sacrifice? She was still willing to give up everything for a country she didn’t even know.
I refused to let her do that.
I pressed on, desperate to reach her. “Why are you so tied to Relhok? You have no memory of it.” I shook my head. She bit her lip, clearly conflicted. “Do you so badly want to be a queen that you would marry a stranger?”
“It’s not that,” she shot back quickly, hot color flooding her face. “I’m not that shallow or power hungry. That’s never what I wanted. If you claim to know me, you should know that much!”
“Then what is it? Tell me, Luna. Because I cannot stay here and watch you marry him.”
The moisture in her eyes pooled and spilled over, dripping down those pale freckled cheeks. I swiped at the tears with my thumbs. When they didn’t stop, I leaned in and pressed my mouth over each cheek, kissing the salty tracks with far more restraint than I felt. The need to grab her and crush her to me, pull her inside myself, was overwhelming. I’d never felt this before.
“My father knows you’re alive,” I whispered hoarsely, pausing to let that sink in, hoping she fully understood what I was saying. “Have you considered what that means?”
She took a sip of air. Her mouth was so close, damp from tears and that sweet dew that clung to her. “It means the kill order on girls is lifted. That’s the only thing that matters.”
“You know what I’m saying.” My thumbs pressed a fraction deeper, as though I could will her to acknowledge it to me. “There is no way he would let you live now. He’ll be sending someone. An assassin, soldiers, an entire army. You’re a threat to his crown. He cannot let your claim go uncontested. We cannot stay here. Even if we wanted to, it’s not possible.”
“You make it sound so easy.” She rubbed at the center of her forehead as though she was feeling the beginnings of a headache. I felt a twinge of guilt. She had just survived an encounter with dwellers, and here I was hounding her, demanding she agree to put her life in my hands and escape this place with me. But if she didn’t agree, she’d likely die here. Nowhere near Tebald was safe. He was a ruthless tyrant. And my father would eventually come for her. Even dwellers wouldn’t stop him.
“We will need a strategy, but we can break out of here.”
She fell to silence again. She was thinking, stewing. She took a shuddery breath and finally spoke. “I have to confess something.”
Unease gripped my chest. “What?”
“I never intended to stay here.” She stopped and took a deep breath. “Well, I never considered it for longer than a moment or two.”
My chest loosened. “Oh. Then why are we arguing—”
“I was planning to escape . . . except without you.”
Without you.
I stared at her for a moment, still holding her face even as she uttered those words that stabbed my heart. She was going to escape without me. Again. Damn it all. I suppose I should be used to her pushing me away at this point, but it would never feel good. I would never be immune to it.
A bleak kind of fury burned through me. I dropped my hands from her face and all that velvet skin, practically flinging her from me.
“Again?” I accused.
She nodded. “I knew if you stayed and married the princess, Relhok would be assured some kind of ruler that was just and good.”
“You think that would be assured? Ha! Marrying Maris doesn’t change the fact that my father still sits on the throne.”
“But not forever,” she argued.
I shook my head. “Assuming my bastard father dies tomorrow, Tebald would then reign over both kingdoms. After him, it would be his son. And as far as I can tell, Chasan is every bit as ruthless as his sire.”
She paled. Clearly, she hadn’t thought this through enough. Doubt crossed her expressive face. “I just thought that with you here your influence would do some good.” Her voice faded. Her chin shot up, fire in her cheeks. “You’re right. I was wrong.”
The tension in my shoulders ebbed. Finally, she was starting to see things my way.
Then, she added, “But Cullan still has to be stopped.”
“We can escape together and forget about all of this. We’ll build a life in Allu. You and me.” It was strange to think that weeks ago I had only ever wanted to be alone, but now I couldn’t imagine life without her in it.
She dropped her head, hiding her face so that I couldn’t see her clearly.
“Luna,” I whispered. She made me crazy and reckless. I reached for her, closed my fingers around her arms, and pulled her to me. As though I could somehow absorb her into myself . . . remind her what it was like between us. Remind myself. The reality of what it felt like to hold her in my arms had dimmed.
She faced me, her expression set into something grim. “I’ll escape with you, but I’m going to Relhok. With or without you.”
I kissed her, drinking in her sigh rather than arguing with her anymore. Maybe a part of me hoped to influence her, seduce her, get her to say she would go anywhere with me, but I had forgotten what kissing her was like. The first brush of her lips seduced me.
Pulling back, I held her face, skimming her features, engraving them into my soul. I waited, giving her time to pull away if that was what she really wanted.
She didn’t pull back. Her fingers circled my wrists, tugging me back to her, so I kissed her again, drove my fingers into her shorn hair, curving my palms around her skull. Her pulse bled into me through the connection of our mouths, the rhythm passing through my palms.
I had ceased all thinking and let sensation take over. The back of my neck pulled tight, goose bumps breaking out over my skin and chasing all the way down my body. A heavy tightness pooled low in my spine as we backed up together. I didn’t look up. All my focus was on her mouth. Her scent. The callused pads on her small palms. I vaguely registered a slight bump as we reached the bed.
Then we were on the bed, and all the desperation, all the near scrapes spiraled into this need for each other. We had overcome every impossibility and were still alive and still together. Maybe it couldn’t last, maybe it wouldn’t, but for now we had this.
Solitude. Hands. Mouths. Warm lantern light gilded her skin as I peeled the edge of her nightgown down to reveal a smooth shoulder. She sighed at my mouth skimming her skin, and then her hands were in my hair, her nails lightly scraping through strands and reaching my scalp, sending shivers up and down my neck.
I inched back slightly, just to look at her, to see her beneath me. Her features so soft, her pale skin flushed pink over the smatter of freckles. I was breathing hard as she brought her fingers to my lips, touching, tracing the shape. I kissed each one; her palm, her wrist, the back of her knuckles.
“Luna, how do you taste like this?” I breathed against her skin, my tongue licking, savoring her flesh.
She sighed in response, and I brought my mouth to hers again, kissing her harder. Her lips slanted against mine hotly, searing me. She knew how to kiss, how to affect me. Our breaths crashed and collided. Her hands moved faster, skimming my arms, my back, dipping lower.
My heart hammered like a wild bird in my chest. Everything felt new. With Luna it was love. It spiked my need, made everything more desperate, more feverish. She thought she didn’t need this. Need me.
Everything flew faster then. Hushed words, groping hands, dragging mouths. I tried to hold back, thinking I was too rough, moving too fast, but she nipped at my lips with a growl and then all was lost. I was lost.
There was nothing but sliding skin and smell and taste. The sound of my name on her lips. Her nails scoring my flesh. Her warm breath in my ear.
I buried my hands in her hair, massaging her scalp, holding her to me and kissing her until my lips grew bruised and swollen. I pulled back, watching her, not missing the dark heat in her eyes. Her fingers dug into my shoulders and my name rasped on her lips in a way that lit a fire in my gut.
I settled my weight into the warm cocoon of her body, swallowing her kiss, her moan. Her. I thought I was flying out of my skin. She did that to me . . . made me feel like I was soaring. Like I was free.
TWENTY-TWO
Luna
I LAY ON my back, Fowler’s arms loosely wrapped around me. I could smell his skin, clean and musky beside me. I knew he would have to go soon. The castle would wake and a maid would come to my room. It wouldn�
�t do for her to find Fowler here. That would create a whole new set of problems we hoped to avoid. Even knowing this, I snuggled deeper into his arms.
His fingers trailed through my hair, which ended near my ears. It still felt strange that it was so short. Each time Fowler started at the roots and stroked his way down the strands I was reminded that it was gone. Fitting, I supposed. That girl was gone, too.
“It bothers me that you think you don’t know me.” His voice rumbled beside me. I flinched slightly.
“I was angry when I said that.”
“Because if you don’t know me then no one does. And that matters now. Someone has to know me or it’s as though I’m not even here. I don’t exist.”
I inhaled and released my breath in a steady stream. It felt good to hear him say that. When I first met him, he didn’t care about what happened to anyone . . . even himself. He didn’t want to care about me. He definitely didn’t want to love me. But he did. I ran a finger down the center of his chest. “I know a way out of the castle.”
His fingers ceased moving through my hair. He propped an elbow beside my head and hovered over me. “You what?”
A smile tempted my lips. “There’s a hidden door in the kitchens leading out of the castle. At least that’s what I was told.” I knew I should maybe suspect the source, but she didn’t have any reason to lie to me about that. I believed her. Or at least I believed it was worth investigating.
He laughed lightly and pressed his mouth to mine. Coming up for air, he murmured, “It shouldn’t surprise me that you know this.”
I looped my arms around his neck and said loftily, “Well, I did dive underground and rescue you from a horde of dwellers.”
“Yes, you did, and now you found a way out of here. You can do anything, Luna.”
“You’re correct,” I teased. “Don’t forget that.”
“Don’t worry. I wouldn’t be able to forget anything about you.”
Rise of Fire Page 15