Scarred for Life

  "About a year, maybe a little more. It's not important." Her voice made it clear she believed that.

  "Damn, Danny, that’s a long time to not see your friends. You should let them know you're all right and go hang out with them every now and then. It'll get you out of the house sometimes. You need fresh air and human contact."

  "Got you for human contact."

  "You need more than me. Even I have friends, Danny. You should go and hang out with them, see what they're up to. She said that this Bryan guy is your best friend. You should go see him play," Nicole urged the taller woman and reached across the table to wrap her hand in Danny's.

  Dane's hand flinched, almost as if she was going to pull it back, but she didn't. She gritted her teeth in a scowl. "He's not my best friend. I don't want to see him play."

  "You need to go out more, Danny. Okay, maybe not to see him play, but just to go out. Please, think about it," Nicole implored and those beautiful eyes begged even more than her voice.

  Dane swallowed hard and sighed. "I'll think about it," she grumbled, dropping her head.

  "That's all I ask."

  ***

  Dane wasn't sure why she went. Maybe it was morbid curiosity. Maybe it was the fact that she wanted to feel some connection to her past. Maybe she just wanted to see Bryan and beat him in the head with his guitar. She wasn't sure which, but she found herself sitting in the back of the small club known as Silversmith's. She was curled up in a corner and waiting for him to come out on stage.

  Once upon a time, she adored the cozy nightspot. Most people that frequented the place knew good music and the owner of the club paid the talent well. Not once from when she used to visit had there ever been a fight or even a loud argument. It was like the vibes there could mellow out even the meanest drunk and then the music would whisk them away to a better place.

  Dane had sneaked out of the house to see the performance, to go back to her old stomping grounds. She didn't want Nicole to know that she had given in, as if she were doing something wrong. It was just that she didn't agree with Nicole about needing more human contact. She got more than she ever knew she required from being with Nicole. She wasn't willing to trade in what she had with Nicole for the old human contact, even if it meant she wouldn't be able to see Crow again. Not that I care much about seeing Crow.

  She knew why Crow was pissed, but a small voice inside of her, a voice that she was certain was dead before now, requested that she give Crow more credit. Despite the way that she first met Crow, a hanger-on groupie that didn't put out, the woman had been with her through rough situations and sometimes even seemed to try to understand her. Not that she ever wanted or requested Crow's understanding. Sometimes, she'd even credit Crow with having a soft spot for her and caring about her in a manner that she couldn't put into words.

  She shook those thoughts away, deciding to focus on the music since she was out now. She hoped she could sneak back in later on that night without waking Nicole or making her think that someone was breaking in the house. As the show started, she focused on the lone figure on stage, strumming the strings of his guitar. Bastard! Just calmly playing the instrument he stole from me.

  She could already see some of the women pining over him as he played the guitar like he had been born with one in his hand. His neatly trimmed dark brown hair and smooth face with a strong jaw added to his appeal…for some anyway; he looked almost heroic or at the very least like the boy next door. What a lie. She was certain that everything about him was a fallacy.

  "Bryan, you bastard," she hissed, watching him play. She peered down at her left hand and frowned. Lying Bastard!

  Dane glanced back up at the stage and was surprised to find that she had forgotten much of his traitorous face, like the scar through his eyebrow from when they were thirteen and he dared her to hit him in the face with a tree branch. He never dared her to do anything after that. She remembered his presence much more than his face. She had always been able to feel when he was there, even when they first met. There was something dark about him that stirred her soul and alerted her to his presence...

  Her eyes were closed because she was tired of looking at the same ceiling, counting the same spots, making the same designs out of the same cracks. But when she heard the door open, she knew immediately who was visiting. A tight grimace settled on her face while her ears picked up the sound of a nurse speaking in a low tone and a chair being slid across the tiled floor. She could even smell him over the sterile hospital odor. For the first time, she wished her parents had shown up to pester her some more instead of him.

  "What do you want, Bryan?" she croaked out. Her voice sounded like she just finished gargling jagged stones. She didn't bother to open her eyes. She didn't want to see his lying face and his deceiving puppy-dog eyes. It was those eyes that had gotten her into trouble in the first place. Trusting those sad eyes was her biggest mistake in life.

  "You don't look too bad," he commented. His voice was smooth, but had a bit of a high pitch.

  "I don't look too bad," she echoed. "I don't look too bad…" She nodded as if she agreed. "Let's see, a leg broken in several places, shattered kneecap, broken eye socket, broken cheek bone, shattered left hand, but, yeah, I don't look too bad. You're a total fuckhead, you know that," she snorted.

  "Dane, you gotta understand, I didn't have the money," he argued. She still didn't bother to look at him.

  "So, it would've been too much to ask that you fucking call me ahead of fucking time to fucking let me know what the fucking score was?" she growled.

  "I didn't want to get you in trouble by calling you. I know they check cells. They woulda asked what we talked about."

  "Didn't wanna get me in trouble?" Her voice was a skeptical chirp, partially influenced by the pain medication pouring into her system. "This doesn't look like trouble to you? What the fuck equals trouble in your book?"

  "Dane, this isn't so bad…" She could tell from his pause that he was looking her over. Maybe he actually believed it wasn't so bad because it wasn't him in the bed. Now she had to look at him to gauge his emotions through his eyes—his lying eyes.

  Gray eyes shot open so suddenly that Bryan jumped back. She cut her gaze to him, staring into his soul and disliking what she saw. There was that darkness always there, but she ignored it. She thought she knew the source and understood it. But that darkness had seeped out and swallowed her like a tar pit. Once upon a time, she thought that darkness showed how he was different from those around them, but she found he fit into their surroundings all too well. She chuckled at the discovery.

  "No, it's not so bad. The face'll heal. The leg maybe. Sure, but do you know what really hurts?"

  "Uh…" He glanced away. "Our friendship?"

  Another laugh. "Very good, trying to get philosophical, showing intelligence we both know you don't have. But, no. Can't hurt what we don't have anymore."

  "Dane—"

  "We can't have a friendship if you'd desert me to save your own ass and have this happen to me." Dane put her left hand up, showing off her nice, new cast.

  "Dane—"

  "Every bone is shattered. I'll be lucky if it's even functional when the cast comes off and that's only if I have loads of physical therapy. I don't even give a shit that I'll never walk right again, but this… Do you know what this does, Bryan?" She sneered his name with such contempt, saying it like a curse. "I'll never play the guitar the same again."

  "Dane…"

  "Never," she roared, twisting to glare him as if she was trying to bring down the wrath of God Almighty onto him.

  "Dane, they would've killed me."

  "I don't give a shit. I'll never play the fucking guitar the same and you didn't even bother to fucking call me to say you weren't going to show up. You really think I give two fucks what they would've done to you now? Besides, moron, killing you wouldn't have gotten them their fucking money. They'd have put the screws to you, but you avoided that by not showing up and I, like a true asshol
e, went in your place. I should've fucking known better. I know what you did," she said in a dangerously low voice.

  "Dane, it wasn't what you think."

  "You sacrificed me, Bryan. You let me walk up to that altar for you and you let them cut my heart out instead of yours. And I know you did it because you just needed to buy a little time. So, who the fuck gave you the money, Bryan? Your dear dad? You went crawling on your hands and knees, kissing his hairy ass? 'Save me, Daddy. Save me.' Begging him like you fucking begged me."

  "I didn't beg you for shit. Why would I beg a sorry ass like you for." he finally hollered back, showing what she already knew was there.

  "'Cuz you're a fucking snake, Bryan. In fact, that's a fucking insult to snakes. I'm surprised your eyes aren't green with the way you envy me, but since you're so full of shit, they're the appropriate color," she snapped.

  Finally, the raised voices caught the nurses' attention and a couple of them entered the room. Wanting to know if everything was all right, the nurses turned to their patient. The scowl said just as much as any words, but Dane wanted to let them know.

  "Get this bitch out of here and don't let him back in," Dane ordered, her top lip curling in disgust.

  Bryan sneered in return, but that didn't stop him from being escorted out. Dane knew that wasn't the last time that she'd see Bryan, but she hoped it'd buy her some peace for a while. She found out that ‘a while’ wasn't long enough, as he returned one day while she was trying to sleep. She could feel his venomous presence poisoning her with his existence. She didn't acknowledge him.

  "You know, Dane, we've known each other for a really long time. Why can't you just let this go? I mean, it's one little mistake," he said, having the nerve to sound equable.

  Dane's entire face tensed and she had to take a deep breath before daring to speak. "It's been more than half our lives since that day you stared at me in the playground, wondering why the hell I wouldn't play with all the other kids, even though I was good at sports. More than half and I always knew that underneath your cute smile and puppy eyes that a snake was inside you. It's even bitten me before, but I ain't letting it bite me anymore. Fuck you, Bryan, and your fucking petty, jealous ass," she calmly replied.

  "You know, Dane, you think you're the shit, but you're nothing and that's your problem. You never could accept that I'm better than you."

  "You're so fucking delusional. You wish you were half the person I am." She could see how he coveted her talent, her popularity, and her charisma. He craved what she had and couldn't have it.

  He chuckled darkly. "You're not even half a person anymore, Dane. You couldn't even do this now."

  Dane bristled as the strumming of a guitar caught her ears. She could literally feel her soul withering as the bastard played a song on his guitar that she wrote. Her best friend was purposely pouring salt on her bleeding, wounded soul. And the one thing that murdered whatever bit of spirit she had left were words that interrupted the music as someone else entered the room.

  "That sounds beautiful, Bryan. Almost angelic. You're exceptionally talented," Dane heard her mother comment. This woman who said nothing to her for her entire life, even when she played for her, had the nerve to compliment Bryan of all people. There was no justice in the world. There was no point to the world. It was that very moment that Dane shut everything off and went from living to existing.

  CHAPTER 8

  "Hey, Danny, don't wait up for me. We had a meeting that ran late and I really need to work on this case, so I'll be out late. I'm having dinner with some coworkers. No, not Tyler. So, you don't have to worry about me taking care of myself. Why don't you go out? Maybe you can hang out with your friend Crow. I'm sure she would appreciate it," Nicole's disembodied voice suggested through the answering machine.

  Dane sat on the sofa next to the phone and listened to the message for the tenth time. Something inside of her was hoping that Nicole would call back, explaining everything worked out and she was coming home immediately. No such luck. She sighed and ran her hand through her hair.

  "Fine, she wants me to go out. I'll go out." Dane snorted as if Nicole was somehow punishing her and, in turn, she was doing the same. For some reason, it did almost feel like a punishment to be away from Nicole for the night, but she tried not to dwell on that.

  Ripping herself from the sofa, she trudged into the den to find some clothes that she wouldn't be ashamed to be on the street with…which could be a little tricky considering her wardrobe. She threw on some dark blue jean shorts and a matching jersey. She ran her fingers through her hair a few times. It was the closest she ever came to brushing the thick, obsidian mess.

  Dane had no problem riding her pathetic bike to the city, even though it creaked and groaned for the entire ride. Her knee and leg joined in the complaints, but she ignored both. Her bike and body held out for the journey, but it took her longer than she thought it would.

  She chained her bike up, even though she doubted anyone would consider stealing it. She wouldn't be surprised if the garbage men picked up her bike. She walked around in the congested city, barely noticing the flashing lights, cacophonous din, thick air, and dense crowds.

  She couldn't ignore the music for long. She felt it in her bones, traversing her nerves, and settling in her soul to be ingrained in her spirit where it awakened things that were supposed to be dead and buried. The music controlled her, beckoned her, moved her to places and she didn't have to think. All she needed to do was experience, breathe the music, and feel like she was home.

  No, home is far from here now, Dane thought as she wandered into a small jazz club and listened to a band play a set. She closed her eyes and absorbed the tunes before she started to crave more, her spirit itching for variety and her nerves twitching with desire. She was back on the street before the band even left the stage, seeking more musical enlightenment and trying her best to keep down other demons.

  It was easy to find more of what she hungered for, more of what her soul longed for. Music of all types replaced her blood and flowed through her veins. Music surged between her nerves and moved her muscles. She was the music; she couldn't help it.

  "Dane?" Crow came up behind the tall musician, who was leaning against a rail and looking down at the stage in another small club. Crow peered around her, watching her face. "I know that look," she commented with a fond smile in a voice close to singing.

  Crow might know the look, but she didn't see beyond it. Anguish that Dane never spoke of and Crow stopped asking about long ago. Dane could submerge it deep enough for most to miss. The maelstrom behind calm, cool grey was carefully hidden as a guitar soloist shattered her and put her back together in each note. A little bit of her was lost on every reconstruction, but she couldn't tear herself away.

  "It's nice to see you and it's nice to see you smiling," Crow said, but she didn't get a response. It took awhile for Dane to even acknowledge that she was standing there, but that didn't seem to bother Crow.

  "Hey, Crow," Dane said after a minute. She turned her eyes away from the guitarist, as if that would shut off the music, drown out the pain, and end her misery. No such luck. Thankfully, the music hit her in a good place, too, which helped keep her settled.

  "So, the princess let you out the castle?" Crow asked with a teasing smile spread across her peach-painted lips.

  "You talk a lot of shit for someone that hangs out with fucking Bryan," Dane countered in a mundane tone. Her eyes flashed, clear evidence of a storm inside of her.

  The teasing smile quickly vanished and was replaced by a bitter frown. "At least Bryan didn't completely abandon us, even though he started this business school shit and whatever the hell else he's doing," she hissed.

  "Yeah, Bryan's a saint," Dane concurred in a deadpan tone, rolling her eyes. "If I'm such a piece of shit, why the fuck are you bothering to talk to me?"

  Crow sighed, sounding tired and fed up. Dane knew it was because she wasn't how Crow remembered. But, there wasn't any way for her
to be what Crow remembered. Bryan saw to that.

  "I didn't say all that, Dane. It's not like you to put words in people's mouths."

  Dane nodded in agreement. "My hide's a little raw over a couple of things. Don't worry about it. So, what's been up since I've been gone?"

  Crow grinned now. She bounced somewhat, too, which Dane just thought was a quirk of her personality.

  "Well, I guess I'll start with the obvious. Destined for Nowhere broke up when you disappeared. It didn't even take a couple of months, either. Bryan tried to be the front man, but we all know he ain't you, sweetie. The band tried telling him that, but he insisted that he could do it better than you, but they knew. We all knew. He can't play like you, can't sing like you, can't write like you, and can't control the crowd like you. He just ain't you and it just wasn't the same band without the Great Dane." A sorrowful smile reached all the way to Crow's eyes, which were scarlet that night; she had a vast collection of colored contact lenses.

  "It wouldn't have been the same with me."

  Crow arched a skeptical eyebrow, but she continued on without pressing her friend. "The scene hasn't been the same without you. First and foremost, the music sucks without you, even though some people hold their own. They just ain't you. You know you're just special, like a music genius or something. Rock and roll god."

  "Nah, I just like playing is all." Dane waved off the compliments.

  Crow laughed. "You still can't take a compliment. A lot of us wondered what the hell happened to you. Hell, I told people I ran into you and they just called me a liar. I seriously mean they were calling me a liar right to my damn face. Said I ran into someone that looked like you and shit. They all thought I was off my nut."

  Dane chuckled. "You are off ya nut."

  "That's beside the point," Crow snickered and grinned again. "You out for the night? I know a few spots that you'd love to hear."