by Marie Snow
Jenny took the bag from me, a huge smile on her face, and undid the darker purple tie that cinched the bag closed. I watched with my pulse in my throat as she opened it. My heart pounded strangely in my chest. I knew logically that giving your girlfriend…
My breath stopped in my chest. My girlfriend? Was that what Jenny was? I shook my head to clear it. I knew giving this to Jenny shouldn’t be this nerve wracking, and yet, for me it was. I reminded myself that I was making progress and life was improving.
Things were good.
I watched as Jenny took the delicate bracelet out of the bag and held it between her fingers. She was silent as she stared at it, running her fingers over it, my anxiety rising as I wondered if she hated it because she hadn’t said anything.
“It’s nothing,” I muttered. “Just something small. If you don’t like it I understand--”
“It’s beautiful, Matthew.” She looked at the thin silver chain bracelet that held a butterfly and was lined with small diamonds. Of course the diamonds were tiny, shards really, but they were real, and I was proud of that.
I got it on sale for fifty-nine dollars, and I saved out of both of my paychecks. The butterfly reminded me of her—delicate yet strong—and I wanted to give her something to let her know I cared. Maybe it was silly.
“It’s not much,” I repeated awkwardly.
“It’s beautiful,” she gushed. “Can you help me put it on?”
I took the bracelet and unlocked the clasp. She held out her hand, so I helped put it on her. She just stared at it lying against her wrist.
“Do you really like it?” I asked quietly.
She glanced up at me and gave me a genuine smile. “I love it. I--I don’t think anyone has ever given me a gift before. Well, besides my mom, I mean.”
“I’m sure others have,” I responded, not being able to imagine anyone who truly knew Jenny not wanting to give her things to make her happy.
“I don’t think so, but even if they did, it didn’t mean as much as this does,” she murmured with a smile. Her eyes twinkled when she stared at me, as if I had just given her the sun.
“It’s just something small,” I mumbled awkwardly at her saying she’d never gotten anything that meant as much as the butterfly bracelet.
“Because any gift I received before wasn’t from you, Matty.”
My smile deepened and I felt my face heat at the way she shortened my name. This was something she recently started doing off and on, but I found I liked it a lot. Maybe because she was the first person to ever call me something different from Matthew. It was probably more likely that it was just because it was her.
“I’m never taking it off,” she said wistfully. “Not even when I clean for your mom later today,” she exclaimed and just like that, the good feeling inside of me that had been rising, dissolved into a ball of bitterness. My mother. I knew she thought she was helping, was trying to help Jenny while getting closer to her. My mother always had the best of intentions, but something about her proving it time and time again always rubbed me raw and fed the bitterness that hid inside of me.
“You should have told her you couldn’t do it,” I complained. My mother asked her to help her clean this evening. She even offered to pay Jenny double what she normally made. I wanted to roar out in frustration. Jenny felt like the first good thing to be in my life in a long time. It felt special with her. But I felt like my mother was trying to move in on what I shared with Jenny so that she could micromanage the woman I’d grown close to just like she did every other single thing in my life.
“Why? I need the money and besides, your mother has been nice to me. What’s wrong, Matty, afraid to have your girlfriend cleaning your room?” She winked. “Are you hiding things from me?” she laughed as she teased me, not realizing the panic that she unleashed inside of me with that simple question.
Perhaps it showed on my face because her laughter stopped, and her expression sobered. She lifted her arm and placed her hand gently on the side of my face. “Hey, are you okay? I’m just joking, Matty.”
“I’m okay.” My voice was raw, and I cleared my throat, trying to force air back into my lungs. I didn’t want to lose Jenny. Just the thought of it hurt. “I wouldn’t want to lose you, Jenny.” My answer was honest and important, even if she wouldn't understand how we’d gone from cleaning for my mother to me not losing her. I hoped that she understood. If I was whole, a man who could talk about what he felt, maybe it would have been better, but then, I always came up short.
“You’re not going to lose me, Matty,” she softly promised and then leaned up and kissed me. My heart thundered at the feel of her lips against mine, at how soft they were, at how good it felt.
Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I took her kiss, deepened it, and held her in my arms. I did it all while trying to will the outside world away.
It didn’t work. But I tried.
14
Michelle
I tried to act like I wasn't nervous, but the truth was I was probably throwing off all kinds of signs. I was picking at my napkin, bouncing my foot up and down under the table, trying to focus on if this was actually a good idea or not.
I kept switching between the two, almost leaving the small coffee shop but I talked myself out of it. I had to do this. It wasn’t only right for Matthew, but for Jenny, as well.
I looked down at the table to the paper napkin I was destroying, tiny pieces being made into a neat pile. I hadn’t been this nervous in a long time, but what I was doing was for the right reasons.
The sound reasons.
If I kept telling myself that, would it eventually be true?
“Miss Landry?”
I stopped picking at the napkin and lifted my head at the sound of Jenny’s voice. I scrunched the napkin in my hand, so it was a tight ball, so the evidence of my anxiousness wasn’t displayed in full force.
“Michelle. Please, call me Michelle.” I gave her a small smile and her cheeks turned a bit pink.
She was a sweet girl, and it cemented the fact that I was doing this because it needed to be done. Because she needed to know.
“Please,” I gestured to the seat across from me. “Have a seat.” She took off her jacket and draped it over the back of the chair, then sat down, her purse in her lap, her expression mixed with a hint of confusion and concern.
I cleared my throat and opened my mouth just to jump right in, but a waiter stepped up, asking if Jenny wanted anything. After she ordered a glass of water, we were left alone again and I found myself tongue-tied, my throat too tight, my tongue too thick. I shifted on the seat before finally blowing out a slow breath and meeting her eyes once more.
“You’re probably really confused why I asked you to see me today.” She straightened her spine, and I could tell that it was an act to try and seem a little bit bigger, as if she weren’t really as nervous as she clearly was.
“I guess I’m more curious why you had me meet you here instead of cleaning like we agreed and why you didn’t want me to let Matthew know.”
She was a smart girl, and that’s why I knew she could handle the truth.
I nodded slowly but didn’t say anything until the waiter came back and gave her the glass of water. Once we were alone again the silence weighed heavily between us, almost suffocating. It was making the situation ten times worse.
“This is hard for me, Jenny. I wanted to do it here, so that the setting was neutral for both of us. I wanted to keep Matthew’s home his sanctuary, I suppose. And I realize that doesn’t make sense, but it was important to me as his mother, just the same.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand, Michelle.”
“I asked you here today because I wanted to talk to you about some things I don’t think Matthew has divulged. Some things that you need to know because I can tell the relationship between you and my son is going down a very different path than friendship.” I felt so out of my element, not sure if I was even saying any of this right, not sure if I was
actually jumping to conclusions on their relationship.
She glanced down at her hands, that she no doubt had curled tightly together in her lap. “Matthew and I are just friends, Michelle.” She met my eyes again and I gave her a smile.
I nodded and said, “I know. But I also know that he likes you very much, and you him. Am I safe to assume that?” Jenny’s cheeks turned a brighter shade of pink and I knew without her having to answer that I was correct.
“I’m not really sure where things are going between the two of us if I’m being totally honest.”
I watched as her throat worked as she swallowed. And a part of me felt sorry and regretful that I was bringing this up now. It was a heavy burden, but it was going to get heavier if she didn’t know what she was getting into.
“Has Matthew told you anything about himself? Anything about his life before coming to Liars Island?”
She shook her head slowly and said, “We’ve been taking things slow, on the friendship front, that is. We don’t talk about anything like that because I can tell it’s a hard subject for him. And I don’t push because it’s not my place.” She shrugged. “I think he’ll open up when he’s ready. And I’m fine with that.”
I liked Jenny. I really did. And I knew this was going to come as a crushing blow to her. I looked down at that ball of paper in front of me, my hands twitching to start tearing it apart again, to give me something to do to keep my mind off of the present.
“Matthew has had some problems.” I looked up at her and thought about how much I should actually reveal. I wouldn’t tell her everything, but she needed to know about the mental hospital, at least. She needed to know about how hard it had been for him… how unstable he could become.
Maybe then she could come to an informed decision and see if being with Matthew in any capacity was really what was good for her.
“Matthew’s life hasn't been the easiest. He spent a very large part of his adolescent life…” I tried to think how to word this, or if just saying it was the fastest, easiest course. The latter seemed like the best route. “He spent time in a mental hospital.” I let those words hang between us and she didn’t respond, just stared at me, blinking slowly.
The chatter around us from the customers at the coffee shop seemed especially loud at that moment. It was as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or maybe that’s what she was waiting for. So I just pressed on. Might as well get it all over with, like ripping a Band-Aid off quickly.
“He’s not… stable. Or he wasn’t. He’s on medication now to make things easier for him, But I won’t lie. At any moment he could pull away, let that darkness that he has inside of him take over.”
I thought about his father then, about how that darkness had taken him over. About how it took me over. My chest clenched painfully, like a fist was inside squeezing my heart, twisting it and threatening to rip it apart.
“He was with a girl named Sofie,” my mouth tasted sour as I mentioned that young girl. “Things ended… badly.” That was the understatement of the century. “He was taken away after that, locked up and medicated so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else.” I stared in her eyes again. “So when I say he has darkness, I mean it in the very literal sense, Jenny.”
She was silent for so long that I wondered if she’d reply at all.
“I think we all have darkness in us,” Jenny finally said softly, looking back down at her lap.
I felt my eyebrows lift slightly in surprise at her response. That’s certainly not what I would’ve expected her to say
“I mean no disrespect, Michelle,” she said and looked up at me. “But why are you telling me this? I feel like this is something Matthew should have told me. Something only he should’ve told me.”
My throat tightened again, and I swallowed, pushing that thick lump of emotion down into the pit of my stomach. “I told you because I don’t want you to get hurt, Jenny.” Her brows knitted in confusion. “And because I don’t think my son would have told you any of this because he’s afraid he’d lose you.” I stared in her eyes. “I can see how attached he is where you’re concerned.”
Of course I knew she’d feel that it should have been Matthew who told her this, and a part of me agreed. But another part of me said this was right because… she didn’t know about Sofie.
“I just don’t want you getting hurt because you don’t know who Matthew really is, what he’s capable of.” My hands were in tight fists again, so tight that my nails were digging into my palms, so hard that I knew there would be marks when I relaxed them. “I won’t get into specifics. I just wanted to let you know that you need to be careful. I’m sure you’ve noticed how distant he can be, how he probably doesn’t seem like anybody else you’ve ever met, and maybe you’ve questioned ‘what’s wrong with him’? There was a lot of pain and heartache, not just for Matthew but for everyone involved.” I smoothed my sweaty palms on my thighs, feeling my heart beat a hard rhythm against my ribs. “We moved here to get away from the controversy, the drama, and all the darkness that seemed to latch onto our family. There were a lot of things concerning his father, things that are why Matthew is the way he is today.”
I expected her to ask about his father, about what controversy I was talking about. She didn’t though, and instead stared down at her hands, her expression showing me that she was deep in thought.
It was long moments before she finally looked up at me, her face not giving away what was on her mind.
“Well, thank you for your concern. I know it was all in the best interest of Matthew and where you think our relationship is headed, but we’re both adults and I’d like to find out this personal stuff from him on an organic level.” She held my eyes with her own, and although she was trying to be strong, I could see there was a crack in her composure. “I’d like to figure him out myself, because he’s the one who told me when he felt ready.”
I licked my lips and nodded. I just hoped she really thought about everything I said and made an informed decision on what was best for her life.
I did this for her safety, but I also did this for Matthew. Because I knew he wouldn’t be able to handle life if something horrible happened to Jenny… just like it had with Sofie.
But either way it was said and done. I did my part to try and show her what she was in for. Now, the ball was in her court.
I just hoped she made the right decision, so no one got hurt.
15
Matthew
Something just felt off.
My mother was reserved when I got home. She said she had a migraine and had to cancel having Jenny over. It was probably in my head, but it felt like she was avoiding me. It probably made me a bastard, but it didn’t bother me. I was kind of glad. I always felt a little raw after therapy and somehow my mother made that feeling worse.
When I got to work today and found out that Jenny had called in sick, that feeling of dread that I had with my mother last night returned. I texted Jenny earlier to ask if she was okay and when her response flashed on my cell, my gut knotted with dread.
“I’m fine, Matthew. I just need some time to figure things out.”
I didn’t know what that meant, but I had this gut instinct that told me my mother had hurt Jenny somehow, that she had done what she always does and tried to control every little aspect around me.
I knew she did things for my good, or at least that’s what she kept telling herself. She said that’s why she began doing counseling with my therapist, too. A family session so that we could work together to keep me healthy.
I was never sure how to tell her that everything she did made it feel as if the walls around me were closing in. I wasn’t sure it would help even if I managed to get the words out. My mother was a force all on her own. That would be changing, though. I couldn’t let things continue down the path I was on. I had to make changes. I had to do that for myself and for Jenny. I didn’t want to lose the bond that she and I had started creating.
That was all that was
on my mind when I texted Jenny back and told her that I would meet her at her house after work. She didn’t respond. I didn’t know if she would be there, but if she wasn’t, I would make sure to find her. I had to get to the bottom of this. My therapist kept urging me to stand on my own, to feel comfortable with who I was, and that I had grown from the past and become stronger.
It was well past time for that I took control of that part of my life. I needed to prove that I was stronger, that I could have a good life. I spent the day working, sorting through the thoughts in my head, but every hour that passed seemed to take an eternity. Every tick of the clock that elapsed without a word from Jenny only fed my insecurities and nerves. It was a quiet form of torture, but I survived, and I remained present.
It didn’t feel like much of an accomplishment, but deep down, I knew that it was. I should have felt pride in that. I really should have. But I was just too worried.
16
Jenny
I knew he was coming over.
I knew there was nothing I could do to stop him.
So I waited. There was an old picnic table out on our front lawn. The thing was beaten from years of weather. There were slivers of wood, separated and jagged. My mother refused to get rid of it though, even if it was an eyesore. She said it was one of the last things my father ever gave her, and she’d keep it until they threw dirt in her face.
My mother had a tendency to be a little dramatic. She always described dying like that. As if she would even know they were throwing dirt in her face. She would be in a coffin, so technically, it wouldn’t even be in her face, but whenever I mentioned that fact to her, she’d just give me that look, and we’d end up laughing.
There was a part of me that wanted to confide in my mom. I wanted to tell her about Matthew and how I felt about him. I wanted to let her know what Michelle had said and see what my mother thought. I was afraid if I did that, however, that she would ask me to stop seeing him. So, I didn’t. I mean, what did I really know anyway? Michelle alluded to things, but she didn’t actually come out and say anything, nothing substantial anyway.