by Marie Snow
I reached out with my hands, my arms feeling like lead. I couldn’t move, couldn’t stop the wave of nausea, adrenaline, and anticipation that coursed through me. The fear that sucked out my very soul.
Because the way Matthew looked at me was like he didn’t know who I was. He looked at me like I was a stranger.
He looked at me as if he didn’t recognize who I was—like he didn’t realize everything I did was for him.
“You killed Sofie, and you made me take the blame for it.” He strained his shoulders even more, a hard, cold and calculated look covering his face. “I spent years and years in a mental hospital thinking I’d done something heinous, believing that I took her life, that I was insane. I feared I was going down the same path as my serial killing father.”
“You’ll always be my baby boy. I’ll always protect you, always keep those away who want to take you from me.”
“You’re fucking insane,” he whispered, and I felt like he’d just ripped my heart out. “Controlling my entire life. My medication, my childhood, my youth.” I couldn’t tell if he was crying or if it was the rain that still fell. “You’ve been manipulating me from the beginning, ever since I was five and that swallow knocked itself out against the tree. You said I was like Johnny. You said you’d take care of me, thinking me—as a child—was capable of killing already. You judged me on something I didn’t even remember doing until you told me about it. I don’t even know if that happened. All you’ve ever done was lie!” His eyes were wide. “You said no one would hurt me, but you were the one who did that day in and day out.” His eyes narrowed and his breathing picked up. “You made me think I was a monster.”
I went to him then, but he side-stepped me and rushed to Jenny, crouching low, cradling her body, her head in his lap. I could see her uneven breaths, could see the worry on his face as he glanced at where her mother lay.
I wanted to go to him, but the flash of blue and red lights surrounded me. I was frozen in place, all the things I’d done for us a mix of emotions and pain. So much pain.
“You deserve to be locked up forever. You deserve to be put away so that you never hurt another person again.”
The police cars came in view, the sound of an ambulance right behind them. None of that mattered because the only thing I had in life, the only thing that meant anything was my boy, who was sitting on the ground choosing Jenny over me.
I made sacrifices. I did everything for him.
“Johnny,” I whispered, something in me switching off, my body becoming numb. “He’s not like you.” I turned and faced the police, their guns raised and pointed at me. “He’s not like you… because I am.”
19
Jenny
The beeping of the machines echoed in my ears. I ignored them as best as I could, but my head was throbbing. Matthew’s mother had shoved me and my head and slammed into the picnic table, knocking me out. If Matthew hadn’t shown up when he did, I would be dead. I’m told it was a close call anyway.
When I heard the knock on the door I forced my eyes to open. The room was dark, the blinds were drawn over the windows and I was definitely thankful. My gaze clashed with my mom’s. Michelle had hurt Mom, but she had recovered quickly once the paramedics treated her, and I was so thankful.
Once the door opened and Matthew stood there in front of it, my mom and I shared a look. Nerves caused acid to churn in my stomach. I wasn’t sure I was ready to see Matthew, but I wasn’t going to be given a choice about it either, apparently.
“I’ll go talk to the nurse about getting you some fresh water,” my mom murmured.
“Okay,” I replied, my voice hoarse because my throat was so raw from having a tube in it. I had to be ventilated for a couple of days. It was an experience I never want to repeat again.
Ever.
Matthew and Mom look at one another, but don’t truly speak. Mom patted him awkwardly on the shoulder as she left. That’s her signal that she doesn’t blame Matthew but doesn’t know how she truly feels in general. I guess I understand that, because I feel the same.
Matthew and I stared at one another for what felt like forever. I didn’t know what to say to him and I was pretty sure that he felt the same. He awkwardly moved deeper into the room and sat down by my bed, before he eventually spoke.
“You look better. They said they were able to get you off of the vent late last night. That’s good.”
“Yeah,” I answered, not sure how else to respond.
“I’m sorry about all of this Jenny. I didn’t know,” he said and when he looked at me, I could see his pain. I hated that he had it. I even hated what he was going through, but I couldn’t help him. Once--in what felt like a lifetime ago--I thought I could. Now, I was just too tired and worn.
“I know you didn’t, Matthew. I know. I don’t blame you for what your mother did.”
He nodded, but he looked down at the floor instead of at me.
“Everything has changed now, hasn’t it, Jenny?”
I swallowed down the sadness.
“Maybe. I’m not sure, to be honest, Matthew,” I whispered, and I felt like a coward. None of this was Matthew’s fault, but so much had happened that I needed time.
Time and space.
“I care about you, you know,” he said. I could see that his eyes were bright because he had moved closer, and he rested one of his hands on my bed. If I was honest, I knew mine probably were too, because they stung. This was a goodbye. The words might not have been spoken yet, but the feeling of them was heavy in the air.
“I know. I care about you, too. I just… my head is a mess right now, Matthew.”
“Mine too. I don’t want to stay too long, because I know you need your rest. I wanted to come by and talk to you before seeing my mother’s doctor. I’m going to make sure that she’s sent far away from Liar’s Island, Jenny. I want to make sure that she never bothers you again.”
“I… I appreciate that, Matthew. I’d be okay with never seeing her again,” I admitted, and I had to acknowledge the feeling of relief I felt when he said he was having her removed from the island. I had already been dealing with nightmares of the attack. If she had remained on Liar’s Island, I know they wouldn’t have eased at all. They quite possibly would have gotten worse.
“I have this card that I wanted to give you. I’ve decided that the best thing to do is to leave Liar’s Island.”
He handed me the card, the envelope light and colored in a baby blue color that I knew was Matthew’s favorite. He always loved staring at the sky. I took it reluctantly, not sure how I felt to hear that Matthew was leaving Liars Island and me behind. I knew I wasn’t ready to continue my relationship with him right now—and I knew feeling like that wasn’t fair to him. Of course, nothing about what had happened was fair to either of us. Still, the thought that he was leaving, and I would never see him again, left me sad.
“Where are you going?” I asked. I wondered if it hurt him when I didn’t ask him to stay. I think I saw a flash of pain in his eyes, but I ignored it. I had to.
“North Carolina. I report there for basic training,” he answered, and I looked at him in surprise.
“You enlisted?”
“It seemed like the best option. The card has my address there on the base. I may be slow answering, but I will,” he said. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to write, Jenny. I’m only giving you the option.”
I nodded. I wasn’t sure what else to say.
Matthew gave me a sad look and he walked backwards toward the door.
“Take care of yourself, Jenny and if you ever need me, you’ll be able to find me.”
He stopped talking after that, but I waved the card in answer. Still, I knew.
We both knew.
I was never going to reach out to Matthew. This was the end, and I had no idea how I felt about it. But I knew that this was the best decision for me—and for him.
He gave me a nod and then he turned and left.
Part of m
e was sad when the door closed, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit--at least to myself, that I was also relieved. My gaze moved to the bracelet that had been damaged when I tried to fight off his mother. It was on a small hospital table they wheeled to my bed earlier.
I’d been so happy when Matthew had given me that bracelet. Now, it was broken with remnants of mud caked on it. Broken just like the hopeful relationship that Matthew and I had started.
Maybe we both would find happiness now. We’d earned it, Matthew especially.
As I looked out the window and saw a blue and white swallow on the ledge, heard it peck against the glass, I smiled.
Despite the darkness that surrounds us, there is also beauty.
I’d find that beauty. It wouldn’t be with Matthew, but I’d find it and I hoped Matthew found it too.
I truly did.
20
Matthew
I stood there, looking through the one-way glass. I knew my mother couldn’t see me, but I could see her. She was rocking back and forth carrying on a conversation… with my father.
The past seventy-two hours had been nothing but a blur. Subduing my mother, keeping her from hurting Jenny worse had been all I could concentrate on, but I wasn’t prepared for what came after.
For her confessions…
She had been controlling me my whole life. I killed a swallow when I was a child with my slingshot. I couldn’t remember the incident and now had no idea if it even happened. She’d always told me it had fallen on its own, knocked itself out of the tree. Now, I had no idea what the truth was. According to my therapist—who had been brought it as Mom’s consult—whatever happened, my mother had fixated on that moment. She saw it as a sign that I was going to be evil. She kept going on and on about how I contained dark blood and she couldn’t allow it to overtake me.
My revelations didn’t end there, however.
My therapist had been prescribing an antidepressant for me—the same one the doctor I saw in Stillwake prescribed. That wasn’t a huge surprise. The fact that an antidepressant is the only medication they’ve prescribed me for years, was the surprise. The police came and searched the house and while they did find the medication, the names on the bottles weren’t mine.
They belonged to my mother.
Apparently after my father died, my mother suffered a breakdown. She had been under the care of a Dr. Pelfrey. When the police traced the medication back to him, he broke down and admitted that he and my mother had carried on a sexual relationship for years. He signed her out under his care and gave her medication to keep the majority of her symptoms at bay. Only, it didn’t, not really. She just directed her issues on me. They told me Dr. Pelfrey would lose his license and I could sue him, since he basically is the reason I’ve spent my entire life medicated to the point that I would fail to question things I should have, accept things that I normally wouldn’t and stay in such a brain fog that I didn’t live my life. I basically was a puppet for my mother to control.
My blackouts? They weren’t even true blackouts. They were medically induced while my mother did everything to bring me under control, which included keeping me afraid to reach out to others for friendship or any kind of interaction when I was little, to killing Sofie and leaving me to wonder if I did it.
And if I had taken my medication the night that she attacked Jenny? I wouldn’t have saved Jenny. I’d have been dead to the world.
It didn’t take a rocket scientist to put it all together at this point, which is good, because I had to admit I felt like the world’s biggest idiot. My mother, however, was confessing everything. Not to the police, of course, because that would be too simple, too easy. No, my mother was confessing everything to my father.
My dead father.
“What will happen to her now?” I asked. I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was feeling at that moment, other than tired. I felt the kind of tired that made it appear like your body weighed a million pounds.
“She’ll be sent to the state ran facility, Matthew. They are setting up transport as we speak. I realize that facility is at least a six-hour drive from here, but she doesn’t have insurance. She’s basically at the mercy of the state and I didn’t think you could handle the financial burden—”
“I don’t want her closer,” I announced at once. “I promised Jenny she wouldn’t be anywhere close to her. I don’t care what happens to my mother. I just don’t want her anywhere near Liar’s Island. I want her as far away from here as possible.”
“We can make that happen. Your feelings are understandable, of course,” the doctor answered, but I turned and walked away. He didn't understand anything. How could he? His entire life hadn’t been stolen from him.
I was going to truly begin living starting today and I was going to do it with Liar’s Island and my mother in my rearview mirror.
And I was never looking back.
Epilogue
Michelle
I always felt like I was the center of his world when he looked at me like that, with blue eyes that made me feel nothing could touch me, that I had finally found my way into the world and all was right.
That I was home.
“I missed you,” I murmured, unable to stop the big smile that spread across my face. “It’s been too long since I saw you.” I pulled the sheet over my legs, this sudden weird chill in the room. “I felt like I’d only been living off your memory.”
I looked around the room, seeing the stark whiteness of it, the blunt coldness. It made me feel lonely and empty.
I glanced back at those familiar blue eyes and felt warmth fill me once more. I missed that feeling so much. “I thought you left me for good. I thought I’d never see you again.” I started picking at the frayed edge of the blanket, running the little strings between my fingers.
It was almost therapeutic in a sense.
He didn’t speak, just sat there and watched me, that small smile on his face, his bright blue eyes knowing, as if he already looked into my thoughts and pulled those out, predicting what I was going to say before the words spilled from me.
The silence stretched on, but it was comforting, just knowing he was here, his presence like a balm to my broken soul.
“Will you not say something? It’s been so long.” He didn’t speak, but his smile grew, and I felt an exhale leave me at the sight.
I looked down at the blanket, at the fraying edges and started pulling at the threads.
“I think he’s doing well,” I murmured. “He has someone special in his life, although I may have ruined things.” I looked up and stared into Johnny’s eyes, ones that were identical to my baby boy’s. “I think he loves her, or maybe it’s not love. Maybe he’s just comforted by her. I don't know. He’s so much like you.”
I turned my head and looked out the window, the bars over it casting shadows across the room. Most days I ran my gaze up and down those dark lines that crisscrossed along the floor and wall, almost a relaxing, soothing motion that was cathartic.
“Do you remember all those years ago when I told you about my mother?” I didn’t wait for him to answer, didn’t turn my focus away from outside.
I could see a tree in the distance, watched a flock of birds land in the branches. Maybe they were swallows.
“My mother was so sick, her life bleeding out right before my eyes. She was being drained by death.” My voice was so thin, like air through a bird’s wings. “I hated watching her suffer. I was with her day in and day out, sitting by her bed, the scent of antiseptic burning a hole in my nose.”
I was taken back to that moment all those decades ago, before I moved to Stillwake, before I met Johnny or had Matthew, and well before I moved to Liars Island.
“My mother was so sick from cancer that she turned into somebody I didn’t know—someone I didn’t recognize.” I looked at Johnny then, this strangeness, a blank void filling me as I stared into his eyes. “But it was all a lie,” I admitted softly. “She was a burden,” I said matter-of-fa
ctly. “She was sucking the life out of me, bringing me down to death with her. I would’ve been buried right beside her if I hadn’t done what I’d done.”
And still he didn’t move, didn’t speak. He kept that smile on his face as he watched me. As he listened. He was always a good listener.
I let those words hang in the air between us, never having actually spoken them aloud. Not even to myself, and certainly not to Dr. Pelfrey or any other therapists that I’d spoken to.
“Don’t you see?” I leaned forward, the twin sized bed creaking. “She was dragging me down. I did what I had to do in order to survive.” He was motionless, watching me, smiling. “I had to kill my mother, Johnny. If I didn’t I would’ve died. I wouldn’t have met you. I wouldn’t have had Matthew.”
I told myself all those years that when I’d killed my mother it had been a mercy killing, because she’d been suffering. I said that story so many times to myself that I actually believed it. No one knew, no one knew the truth but Johnny.
And I felt even closer to him, even more connected.
I grinned, a small chuckle starting to rise up my throat until I was tossing my head back and laughing out of pure joy.
“I killed her, Johnny. I killed her and I liked it. It made me feel free. I was going to die. I was going to die. She was going to pull me down.” I was still laughing when there was a knock on my door, then a jingle of keys, then the lock coming undone.
The door was pushed open, and I heard the deep, even voice say, “I see we're in a good mood today, Michelle.”