Beyond Me

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Beyond Me Page 7

by Annie Donwerth-Chikamatsu


  I cannot see Shadow

  but I feel his presence

  and

  hear his bell

  25 CRANES

  DAY 13

  00:03

  01:12

  07:12

  07:34

  07:34

  Father packs his umbrella

  the forecast is rain in the afternoon

  07:53

  by this time in March

  I would be on school break

  we left suddenly

  everything undone

  everything unfinished

  everything left behind

  there is no homework

  no assignment

  no project

  no cram school

  no English practice

  I have all the time in the world

  to think and worry

  * * *

  Dear People of the Northeast,

  The government banned milk and some vegetables from farms near the nuclear energy plant. Experts still say radiation levels are safe but not if you drink or eat a lot of these things. Poor farmers and cows! And the poor people who live nearby. They have low levels of radiation too.

  I wish this problem was finished.

  from Maya

  Shadow watches me fold

  he does not make a move

  but

  to protect all of my cranes

  I gather them

  together

  to string them

  together

  they will be stronger

  sliding one onto the back

  of another

  then another

  then another

  1, 2, 3… 10 cranes

  1, 2, 3… another 10

  1, 2, 3… another 10

  Mother reaches out to help

  glances at the chains of cranes, asks,

  there’s an order?

  my fingers

  my hands

  my brain

  have found an order

  by color or design

  and

  by number

  but I tell her,

  not really

  anything is okay

  Shadow pats the air near the end of the chain

  don’t you dare

  Mother tries to get him interested in the toy she made

  he is not interested

  she ties the shredded crane to the end of the string

  give him his own so he’s not tempted, she says

  it works

  he plays

  rests

  then

  sits beside me

  19:43

  blinking

  still

  21:19

  blinking

  20 CRANES

  DAY 14

  05:28

  05:32

  05:43

  work life continues

  Father leaves for the office

  Mother leaves for relief centers

  08:48

  so cold and cloudy

  I stay at the table

  08:56

  or under it

  in the mailbox

  I am so happy to see

  an envelope from Yuka

  tucked inside a folded paper conceals

  a seed

  a sunflower seed

  a note says

  she will bring more and

  help me plant them before school starts

  clutching the seed

  I imagine

  these cheerful golden flowers

  in Great-grandfather’s field

  tracking the sun

  cleansing Earth

  brightening us

  I place the seed in front of me

  as I fold cranes

  Shadow pats at the seed

  I shoo him

  he bolts

  my mug is airborne

  I reach out

  no!

  tea splatters

  the mug hits the wooden floor

  one shard breaks off

  lands near the whole

  I cradle the piece into the other

  shocked

  and sad

  no tears come for this broken gift

  I shout,

  nothing in this house

  broke

  in the big quake

  and then you come

  you mess things up!

  I dab the floor with a tea towel

  Shadow sits by the door

  wanting outside

  for the first time

  since he came inside

  I let him out

  not wanting to see him again

  12:58

  I am

  14:03

  alone

  17:20

  Shadow’s not here

  21:06

  and stays gone

  25 CRANES

  DAY 15

  02:08

  04:17

  07:07

  a nudge from the south

  is Earth spinning?

  I cannot tell

  is the ground moving?

  the pendant light and the quake map say no

  my head is full of swirls

  I open the door

  on my way out to the fields

  Grandmother is there

  holding Shadow

  she says he was restless all night

  Shadow jumps from her arms

  and heads to the gate

  I ask her to come inside

  I show her my mug

  this can be repaired, she says

  I follow her to the shed

  Shadow follows too, but

  does not step inside

  he stands at the door

  Grandmother digs past tools

  looking for a box

  with materials to repair

  a broken dish

  with gold

  * * *

  she gives me an overview

  of what she learned

  I hesitate, saying, but…

  she says,

  better for you to repair it

  but

  step by step

  first step—

  file jagged edges

  to deepen and widen

  the crack

  so

  resin will hold

  she shows me

  watches me

  steps back

  this is how she taught me to make cranes

  as a preschooler

  showing me

  step by step

  watching me

  step by step

  leaving me

  alone with the paper

  but being present with encouragement

  under her watchful eye

  I file

  the broken pieces

  she praises my work

  Shadow watches from the door

  we break for lunch

  before we part

  she invites me in to see

  her favorite white teacup

  she repaired

  many years ago

  my fingers glide over the gold splintered lines

  a plum branch, we say together

  I am a part of the history of this teacup

  I was the one standing at the shed door

  I don’t remember Grandmother being mad at me

  * * *

  later

  Shadow sits at the shed door

  Grandmother slides open a window

  wind whips through

  we snap on plastic gloves

  she uncaps the jar of resin

  dips out a portion

  taps it onto a cardboard square

  drips water droplets

  over it

  mixing and releasing

  a smell that sickens me

  takes my breath away

  makes my head spin

  I hold my breath then

  breathe

  in

  out

>   in

  out

  through my mouth

  she brushes a dab onto an edge then

  hands me the brush

  careful

  lacquer resin blisters skin

  I brush resin

  onto edges

  and fit the pieces together

  the mug will rest with wet towels inside a box

  for a week

  a week?

  it takes time, she says

  but Earth…

  she tells me,

  you will start over again

  bringing the pieces together

  until they hold

  I walk out to the fields

  Shadow follows

  I breathe easily again

  Great-grandfather unfolds plastic

  to cover a seeded row

  I take one end

  the wind catches it

  the starling flies up from behind

  oh!

  he flies away

  but

  he will come back

  to find a way under the plastic

  * * *

  17:45

  Shadow does not show up for dinner

  20:36

  he is gone

  20 CRANES

  DAY 16

  Mother boils kelp

  for iodine

  to drink

  even though

  they’re saying radiation levels are okay down here

  she signs up for iodine pills through the US Embassy

  in case things get worse

  Father wakes up happy

  his day off is sunny

  but after breakfast

  instead of going out to the fields

  he decides to go off with Mother

  to help her

  gather and donate

  I go out to check the mug

  Shadow is sitting

  at the shed entrance

  at his feet

  the starling lies

  limp, lifeless

  dead!

  an earth-shattering cry rises

  from my rib cage

  a cry worthy for

  the last bird on Earth

  Great-grandfather hears it

  comes running

  sees what has happened

  takes a breath

  and says, that’s a cat

  Great-grandfather suggests letting Shadow have the starling

  sees my shattered face then

  shows me a place at the wall

  where the field meets the garden

  Shadow follows us

  Great-grandfather helps me bury the bird

  we bow our heads

  in silent prayer

  he gathers his tools

  and heads out into the field

  I follow

  and sit

  looking out to birdless fields

  * * *

  later

  Father joins Great-grandfather in the fields

  works until sunset

  19:18

  falls asleep early

  19:42

  from the sliding door

  Shadow watches me

  fold cranes

  Mother lets him in

  says she doesn’t know but thinks

  the bird was a gift

  —but—

  that cannot fix anything

  40 CRANES

  DAY 17

  04:52

  I am not happy Shadow is in the house

  he will not go outside

  he knows I won’t let him back in

  I go out

  in the shed

  I open the box

  the broken piece has shifted

  out from the mug

  the resin is soft enough

  to ease it gently

  back into place

  I pack it away

  I stay away from the house

  and

  join Father and Great-grandfather

  in the fields

  12:20

  I work all afternoon in the field

  after tea and dinner

  19:23

  I stay at the table

  Shadow keeps an eye on me

  I keep an eye on him

  while I fold cranes

  Mother says he is happy here

  he has stayed

  because he likes me

  he is a house cat

  and doesn’t belong outside

  I don’t ask why no one has come for him

  I think I know the answer

  Mother tells me,

  you are saving his life

  22:41

  the shudder

  of Shadow’s bell

  makes me teary-eyed

  20 CRANES

  DAY 18

  06:11

  07:23

  07:23

  Great-grandfather loosens baby spinach plants

  one by one

  from their bed

  placing them in a bamboo basket

  he transplants them

  to give them room

  I watch him

  remembering the day

  Shadow watched me

  followed me home

  wanted inside

  never wanting outside

  I step behind Great-grandfather

  and

  pat the soil snugly around the baby spinach roots

  all day out

  we miss a call from the vet

  the message says he has some news

  but gives no details

  Shadow may be going home!

  19:40

  30 CRANES

  DAY 19

  08:01

  Grandmother asks me to wash and prepare

  leeks and some of the baby spinach

  to set out at the vegetable stand

  I wash and wash and wash

  she tells me, everyone expects some grit

  it cannot be helped

  my flyer still hangs on the post

  even though no one has seeds and

  no one mentions it anymore

  the flyer for Shadow is gone

  this may be Shadow’s last day

  at our house

  Great-grandfather tills the broccoli stalks

  into the ground

  alone

  no starling follows him

  I walk out farther to the park

  to the cherry buds

  tightly closed

  our neighborhood blossom-viewing is canceled

  many across Tokyo, too

  out of respect for the losses up north

  before dinner

  Mother tells me

  there’s no word from the vet yet

  he was in surgery all day

  I ask to use her laptop

  to look up planting times for sunflowers

  I look further and

  learn

  a Japanese scientist is working on

  how to dispose

  of their stalks after they absorb radiation

  sunflowers are not the answer

  19:54

  I end up under the table

  will radiation ever go away?

  30 CRANES

  DAY 20

  Mother places the flyer she made

  for Shadow on the table

  the vet called to say

  a neighbor of Shadow’s guardian

  saw the photo in his window

  and

  told him

  the woman’s grandson chased Shadow out

  after she died

  I ask,

  what is his real name?

  the neighbor didn’t know

  my heart softens more for him

  17:52

  he has lost his guardian

  his home

  his name

  he has nowhere to go

  I write “Shadow” at the top of the flyer

  cross out “Contact” and

  write “HOME�
� next to our information

  I give Shadow a slow blink

  Mother says I have rescued him

  21:51

  Shadow jumps up on my bed

  the rumble deep

  beneath his heart

  lulls me to sleep

  22:19

  25 CRANES

  DAY 21

  8:52

  my mug is ready for gold dust

  with Grandmother standing near

  I rub the seam

  first with fine charcoal grit

  to smooth rough spots

  then with a fine brush

  I tap gold powder onto a paper square

  with cotton fluff

  I dab along the seam

  inside and

  outside

  the mug

  it needs to sit

  undisturbed for a week

 

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