by Brooks, Abby
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “You just sounded so…” I shrugged. “Your nightmare…it sounded like a bad one. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
I suddenly felt ridiculous. What comfort could I offer this man when I barely knew him? When he had shut down so completely when I asked him about his scars?
Lucas dropped his gaze to his feet, his brow furrowing. After a few silent seconds, he met my eyes and scowled. “They’re all bad. But that was one of the worst.”
He didn’t say anything else and I started to retreat, whispering a slew of excuses. Lucas swung his door the rest of the way open, stopping me in my tracks. “Come outside with me?”
Though the request was odd, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t take into consideration that it was the middle of the night. Or that I was wearing very little clothing. I didn’t take into consideration his bare chest or our bare feet. I simply nodded and followed him downstairs. On the way, he swiped a set of keys off the counter, then led me through the kitchen and out the back door. Lucas took my hand as we trudged through the sand, leading me toward the dock.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“You’re not afraid of being on the water in the dark, are you? I just…sometimes…I just need to submerge myself in something bigger than I am.” He turned a wounded gaze my way as we came to a stop in front of the boat. “Come with me?”
The twin flames lit by my accidental fantasies about him the other night combined with what I thought I heard when I first woke up. My body surged with desire for him and threatened to burn me alive. I nodded without speaking and took Lucas’ outstretched hand. The contact did very little to douse the lust throbbing in my lower belly.
He guided me through helping him get the boat untied from the dock, then wordlessly navigated us out to sea. When we were surrounded by nothing but water and sky, he killed the engine. The ocean lapped against the boat as we rocked, aimless and at the mercy of the waves. The moon hung low and swollen over the water, its reflection rippling and undulating ahead of us.
I tipped my head back as a breeze caused me to shiver. “Oh, Lucas! Look at all the stars.” Goosebumps rippled down my bare arms and I wasn’t sure if it was the view, the chill in the air…or the man.
“They’re the only thing that ever makes me feel better. The stars and the sea.” He shrugged, almost embarrassed by the admission. “Cold?”
I nodded.
“Come here.” His voice was gruff, almost ashamed, as he beckoned me toward him. He rubbed his hands along my arms, his bare skin warm and lush against mine. “You have to see this,” he whispered, then stretched out on the bottom of the boat, holding out an arm, inviting me to curl in next to him.
I did, overly aware of the long line of contact between us. Our bodies fit together so nicely, my curves against his angles. Hard meeting soft. My mind turned treacherous, offering me images of all the hardest parts on Lucas’ body. I distracted myself by following his gaze up to the sky and forgot everything. “I have no words,” I murmured, lost in the beauty of the heavens stretched above. It was as if I could see the entire universe, presented as a gift for us and us alone.
Lucas grunted an affirmation. “Sometimes it’s the only thing that makes me feel better,” he said. “Knowing that throughout all our history, all the ups and downs of human existence, the stars will always burn. The moon will always glow. The sky is endless.”
I nuzzled closer. His sentiment echoed my mother’s so closely, it brought me an odd sense of comfort. And in that comfort, I grew bold. “What do you dream about?” I asked, then wished I could shove my words right back into my mouth.
I waited for him to tense. To push me away. To close up and withdraw like he did the last time we were in this boat, when I asked about his scars.
He didn’t do any of those things. In fact, it almost felt like he pulled me closer, though it was quite possible I imagined that last bit.
Lucas let out a long sigh. “Mostly, I dream about that night.”
He didn’t need to elaborate. I knew he was talking about what happened in Afghanistan. I grew still, breathing in the scent of his skin, while the boat rocked in the waves and the stars glittered in the black velvet sky.
“The first blast sent me flying out of the way of the second, so in that I was lucky. But my commanding officer, Captain Reed, wasn’t so lucky. The second blast was worse, and as he came running toward me, to make sure I was okay, he got hit. I watched it happen.” Lucas paused and I got the sense he was struggling to find the right words. When he finally spoke, his voice was thick. “And I dream of that over and over. Every night, reliving every single detail.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“I am too.”
“Did he live?” I asked. “Captain Reed?”
“He did. Has a family somewhere in Ohio, I think. Probably what helped him recover so quickly. Knowing he had people relying on him. Waiting on him.”
“What helped you recover? Your family?”
Lucas laughed. “I’m a stubborn son of a bitch. I couldn’t give in. Even when it felt like the easiest thing was to close my eyes and never open them again, I just couldn’t do that. Couldn’t give those assholes the satisfaction. They wanted me dead? Well, I’m very much alive.”
I pushed up on an elbow and stared down at him. My hair tumbled over a shoulder, cascading around us. His gaze settled on mine and then flickered across my face. Across my lips. My throat. My jawline. He took in my details and I felt like he was committing me to memory.
“The moon makes it look like you’re wearing a halo,” he said. “Like you’re an angel, come down to take care of me.”
I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to bandage up the scars across his psyche, the wounds slashed on his heart and soul, and bring him strength and joy. I wanted to make him smile. I wanted to chase away the nightmares.
And, more than anything, I very much wanted to kiss him. I couldn’t draw my eyes away from his lips, from the soft smattering of stubble along his jawline. I wanted his arms around me and his taste on my tongue. I wanted to devour his terror and bring him peace.
Instead, I smiled and lay down next to him, careful to keep some distance between us.
“Thank you for coming to check on me,” he murmured.
“Thank you for bringing me out here,” I replied. We lay quietly for some time, watching the stars and feeling the roll of the ocean. When Lucas suggested it was time to get back, I didn’t know if I was relieved or disappointed.
What I did know was that I was very, very confused.
Chapter Twenty-Five
from: Katydid
to: Skywalker
date: September 2, 2018 at 8:02 pm
subject: WASSUP!!!
Hey you! How’s your day been? Mine has been great. Life is settling into a rhythm. It’s been what? Almost a month and a half since I left Nash? I’m starting to feel comfortable in my new normal.
Okay…
You know what?
That’s a load of bull.
Yes, I’m comfortable. And YES, I’m happy. Happier than I think I’ve ever been. Or at least I should be. It’s just, something’s been bothering me and no matter how hard I try to tell myself it doesn’t mean anything, I can’t get it out of my head.
Do you think the fact that Nash cheated on me means there’s something wrong with me? Do you think it means I’m broken? Flawed? If you met me in person and we were chatting and then you found out that I left my fiancé because I caught him in bed with another woman, after what? MONTHS of not having a physical connection worth a damn? Would you wonder what in the world was wrong with me that would make a man like Nash want someone else?
I know what you’re going to say. Nash is a fool who couldn’t see what was in front of him.
But he’s also a good man. Hard-working. Successful. He had my dad’s seal of approval and while my dad draws hard li
nes, those hard lines make his approval mean something.
So, what is wrong with me that would make Nash care so little that he would do what he did? If he cared at all, he would have tried to fight for us. But our relationship, one that we’d been in since high school, it wasn’t worth fighting for in his eyes. He’d rather bring another woman home, to my bed, to get what he needed. He didn’t care…
What’s that say about me?
Have you ever been cheated on? It’s a betrayal of trust in the worst degree. It makes me look back on the years Nash and I spent together and second guess all of it. Were the good times as good as I remember? Or was he cheating on me then, too? Did he really keep putting off the wedding because he was busy? Or did he honestly not want to get married?
None of this matters.
That part of my life is over.
I know I need to get past it.
And it’s not like I miss him, I just have this huge hole of self-doubt in my chest and I don’t know what to do about it.
* * *
I hit send and collapsed back on my bed to stare at the whirls and swirls patterned into the ceiling. I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt. Shifted positions. Stood and checked my reflection, smoothing a hair I couldn’t see away from my eyes. I paced, anxiety buzzing in my veins, gnawing at my thoughts, digging its fingers into my heart. I couldn’t understand my reaction until realization stopped me in my tracks.
Here I was, lamenting the challenges of being cheated on, while carrying on a relationship with two men. I sank to the edge of my bed, my jaw slack. Lucas and I were just friends, and yet we weren’t. I knew what ‘just friends’ felt like and whatever it was that happened between us when we got together was so much more.
We’d never touched. Never kissed. Never talked about any kind of feelings for each other, but they were there. At least for me. The way his voice made my stomach clench, his laugh warmed my heart. I thought about him when we weren’t together and as I lay in bed at night, I was overly aware of him just a few feet away, the two of us separated by nothing more than an incredibly thin wall.
And then there was Skywalker. And damn it! I didn’t even know his name! But I gave him parts of myself that I kept from Lucas—more than I’d ever given another person. And I gave Lucas parts of myself that I kept from Skywalker.
I wasn’t with either of them, but I wasn’t separate from them either. What would I do if Lucas asked for more? If he had tried to kiss me the other night on the boat? The thought of his lips on mine made my head spin and my core tighten. Imagining his hands in my hair, the scrape of his stubble against my lips, his rough touch sliding up my back awakened feelings in me I hadn’t experienced in so long I’d forgotten what they were.
What would I do if Skywalker gave me his name? If he asked to meet at the coffee shop in Galveston? I’d love to stare that man in the face, to let his real name roll off my tongue. I’d love to thank him for all the support he had given me, all the beautiful words he’d sent my way.
And I just asked him if I was flawed because Nash cheated on me. It felt more like I was flawed because I was willing to cheat. Except, did this count as cheating? Really? I wasn’t actually involved with either man, although I’d be devastated to lose either one.
For all the talk about wearing masks, I realized I’d been hiding from myself as well. I wasn’t the kind of person I thought I was. Confusion weighed heavily on me, but I was up and moving again, unable to sit still with all the thoughts spinning around and around inside.
When my phone pinged with a response, I almost didn’t read it. I didn’t want to see what kindness Skywalker had for me when I’d taken him for granted. I was taking without giving in return. The worst kind of fool.
Lucas’ sliding glass door hissed open and suddenly I needed fresh air more than anything. I needed to fling open my own door and step out onto the balcony and soak up all the attention he could give me because when Lucas looked at me, he saw the person I wanted to be, not the person I was. I wanted to bask in the way his eyes settled on mine and ignore this rattle in the pit of my stomach.
But I didn’t go outside.
I opened Skywalker’s email.
* * *
from: Skywalker
to: Katydid
date: September 2, 2018 at 8:10 pm
subject: RE: WASSUP!!!
YOU. ARE. NOT. FLAWED.
* * *
from: Katydid
to: Skywalker
date: September 2, 2018 at 8:11 pm
subject: sigh
Oh, but I am.
* * *
from: Skywalker
to: Katydid
date: September 2, 2018 at 8:20 pm
subject: sighing back
Okay, fine. You’re flawed. So am I. So is everyone else. You’re human, Katydid. No one is perfect, but you’re pretty damn close.
* * *
from: Katydid
to: Skywalker
date: September 2, 2018 at 8:20 pm
subject: RE: sighing back
Says the man who’s never actually met me…
* * *
I waited for a response. Phone in hand. Staring at a black screen. Breath held. Shoulders tense. I gave him the perfect set up to ask me out.
And if he asked me to meet him, I would. Right or wrong, I’d head back to Galveston for the weekend and I’d finally meet this man face to face. I could hug him and thank him and see if he was as amazing in person as he was via email. Seconds turned into minutes and confidence faded into indecision.
I dropped my phone on my bed and slid open my balcony door to find Lucas sitting, elbows on knees, head in his hands. He glanced up when I stepped out and the look in his eyes nearly stopped my heart.
“Hey,” I said, sliding my door closed.
“Hey.”
“Bad night?” I leaned on the railing separating us.
He shrugged. Looked like he was going to say something, then swallowed his words. “I’m sorry, Cat,” he said as he stood. “I can’t tonight.” He slid open his door, turned and when his eyes hit mine the sadness I saw shattered my heart. Without another word, he shut the door, closed the blinds, and left me alone with my thoughts.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Cat
The next morning, I woke before anyone else in the house was moving. Outside my window, threads of pink and purple streaked up from the horizon. I watched with disinterest as my thoughts buzzed, a swarm of gnats flicking through my awareness. After Lucas left me outside, I spent a long night awake and alone with my thoughts. I wasn’t the kind of woman who focused on the bad stuff, nor was I the kind of woman who used people or led them on. I had the creeping feeling I was doing a little of both right now.
I got dressed and brushed my teeth, took a moment in the mirror to run a brush through my hair and then stared into the eyes reflected back at me. I saw my mother in their shape and my father in their color and wondered where that left me. My whole life, I’d considered myself stuck somewhere between them, a culmination of their totally opposite personalities. Maybe it was time to think of myself as simply me. I was who I was, despite my upbringing, despite my parents, despite everything.
With thoughts that big swimming through my head, I needed outside where I could stare at things bigger and older than me and put my life into perspective. I crept through the quiet house and gently pulled the door shut behind me, feeling marginally better the moment I took a long breath of fresh air. I climbed into my Jeep, humming a wordless little tune, and drove straight to my mom’s. I needed to talk with someone who wouldn’t judge me, and my mother would love me no matter how bad my choices had been lately.
My Jeep crawled over the dirt road leading to her little plot of land and
I found her already outside, sipping at a cup of coffee. She turned as I killed the engine and smiled when she saw me, though she looked tired and it took her longer than usual to push herself out of her chair. I wrapped my arms around her, and it felt like there was less of her. Her body, her energy, everything was small and tight.
“To what do I owe this wonderful gift on a Saturday morning?” she asked as she ran a hand through my hair, then stepped out of my hug. She waved me over and I grabbed my chair from its place near the RV and set it up beside hers.
“I needed my mom.”
She turned to me with watchful eyes, her momma-bear claws already out. “What’s wrong, Katydid?”
Maybe it was the look. Maybe it was hearing that nickname, the one only she and Skywalker used. Maybe it was sitting outside under the sky, staring at the water, feeling the unmatched love of a mother for her daughter.
I broke.
I poured out everything I’d kept bottled up over the last six weeks. Mom listened while I purged my soul of secrets. My friendship with Lucas, the emails back and forth with a stranger, and the budding feelings I had for both of them.
“But I haven’t even met Skywalker,” I said, running my hands into my hair. “And he hasn’t asked for more than my nickname, so maybe we don’t mean that much to each other after all? I go round and round, wondering if I’m being too hard on myself at the same time I feel awful for being a hypocrite. I mean, I’m complaining about cheating when I’m not exactly being faithful.” Once it was all out in the open, I laughed because what else could I do?
“Oh, sweet Cat.” Mom placed a hand on mine. “I can think of far worse problems than having two men to fall in love with.”
I was well aware that in the scheme of things, my problem was far from earth-shattering, and proceeded to say as much.