“But it’s hard.”
“Yeah…” I said, “But look what it made me do.” I told him, “I wish I decided better.”
“We’re all like that, you know…Sometimes, we just can’t decide well…”
“That’s my biggest flaw.”
He shook his head, “It’s normal.” He said.
I just laughed.
“Tell me more about Dean.” He said.
I took a deep breath and then, “Well, he’s very kind. Very generous…He’s the type who’s a perfect gentleman, yet, he had a great sense of humor. He’s always been respectful, he’s not the rude, boastful guy. He’s very smart, he studied in Harvard…”
“In short, he’s perfect.”
“Almost.” I said.
“He’s almost perfect, every girl probably thinks why you ran away…”
I laughed. “Nothing’s really perfect, Alvin.” I said. “Not just because he’s this and his that does it mean we never had patches in relationship…”
“Tell me about it.”
“Well, there were one time we actually fought.”
“Whoa.”
“I know, crazy, huh? We had what you’d call a very peaceful relationship.” I winked. “Well, the first time we ever fought was when he told me I needed to take a break…I’ve been so caught up with work that I got sick for about a week… he got so concerned that he went home to the country. Can you believe that? He went home just to see me. I wasn’t used to that kind of attention so I told him he didn’t have to come home. He told me he’s not coming back to the states until I file for a few days’ leave…Well, I contested, but he won.” I said, “I gave in to someone, can you imagine that?” I smiled.
“Sounds like a dream…” He said.
“That’s all it is now.” I said, “Just a dream.”
“You know, I remember something you told me years back.”
“What is that?”
“That you were afraid of growing old alone.” He said and smiled, “You just broke up with Ted then and you had all these crazy doubts…”
I laughed, “Come on, that was so long ago…” I said, “But it’s still true though. I’m afraid of growing old alone. Ironic that I walked out on my own wedding.”
“You won’t grow old alone.”
“You seem so sure.”
“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re a great girl.”
I laughed, “Flattering me again, my dear…”
“It’s true.” He said, “I know you know that. What, with the number of guys you’ve had!”
“You’re insulting me.”
“I’m not.”
We both laughed.
“If you were my groom and I ran away, what would you do?”
“That’s not gonna happen.”
I laughed, “And why not?”
“Because I won’t give you a reason to run away.”
We both just stared at each other for a while, not knowing what to say. That moment seemed so perfect—so beautiful, so magical. In fact, the butterflies I haven’t felt for so long were there again. But at the back of my mind were nagging doubts. And though I wanted to feel the magic again, I felt it just wasn’t time yet. That would be too irresponsible.
“I think we should…” I said.
“We should start looking for a place to eat dinner.” He finished for me.
“Right.” I said, “Exactly.”
“Come on.” We then stood up and started to walk away.
“What do you actually think of love, Alvin?” I asked him while we were having dinner that night.
He looked at me for a while then answered, “Well…I believe it still exists… I mean, we all have our soulmates, we have someone who’s really the one for us…Sure, we might fail a lot of times; some of us have harder times finding the one…But I think, they’re just there. It’s all a matter of perfect timing, of the stars aligning for you…Of you meeting…”
“But what if…what if someone’s going to get hurt in the process?”
“You know better about those things.”
“Yeah, but…It just pains me that it’s so unfair sometimes. People get hurt. People love and get hurt.”
“Isn’t pain a part of it? Of the journey?” He said, “If it’s all roses without thorns, how would you appreciate its beauty?”
“I know.” I said, “But even the nicest, most loving people could get hurt.”
“You were nice and loving, yet you got hurt countless of times.” He said, “You’re thinking about Dean, are you?”
“Yes.”
“Call him up.”
I shook my head. “I’d see him when I can.” I said. “Because I just realized something about us.”
“And that is…?”
“That…” I said, “That he’s not the one for me.” I stated and didn’t speak for the rest of the evening.
***
“Rachelle?” Dean said as he saw Rachelle one afternoon in Luke’s kitchen. She was preparing some food.
“Hey…” She smiled as she saw him. She gave him a little peck on the cheek. “I just thought I’d bake you something…”
“Wow, thanks…”
They both sat down after getting some plates and the cake which Rachelle baked.
“You look different.” Rachelle said.
Dean didn’t speak.
“I just want you to know,” Rachelle said, “That I’m here.” She tapped his hand.
“Thanks, Rach.” He said nonchalantly.
“So…any news about her?”
He shook his head.
“I see…” She said. “Dean…I…”
But at that moment, Dean stood up and spoke, “Sorry, Rach, I’m kinda sleepy. Thanks, though.” He then walked away. Luke then came in from work and went to the kitchen, knowing Rachelle was there. Rachelle looked stunned and as if she was about to cry. Luke came to her. “Hey, hey…” He said.
“I guess he didn’t like the cake.” She quipped. “Sorry…” She then had tears in her eyes.
“Rach…”
“I have to go…” She then ran away. Luke then hastily went to Dean’s room (the guestroom).
“Do you honestly think you can be a jerk to everyone just because she left you, huh?” He said.
“Luke…”
“She was just being a friend!”
“Man, you don’t have to be angry…I…”
“You’re a jerk, Dean.” He shoved Dean.
“Luke…”
“Rachelle loves you!”
“Why are you so mad?!”
“Because I love her! And she doesn’t love me because of you. And yet you never cared!” He shouted and walked out of the room, banging the door.
Chapter 5
The following day, Dean saw Luke sitting at the porch while reading a newspaper. He went up to him.
“Hey Luke…” Dean greeted.
“Hey…” Luke shot back and stood up, “Sorry about last night…I just…”
“No, no…” Dean interrupted, “It’s my fault. I really shouldn’t have done that…”
“Dean, I just don’t want Rachelle to get hurt.”
Dean nodded his head, “I didn’t really know about your feelings for her…”
“But I’m pretty sure you know how much she feels for you… She only wanted to be there for you, you know? And what did you do?”
Dean nodded his head once more. “That’s why I wanna see her today…To say I’m sorry.”
“You should.” Luke tapped him on the shoulder and walked away.
“Hi, Rach…” Dean said as she saw Rachelle at the lobby of the latter’s office. He wanted to take her out for lunch.
“Hey…” She said and gave him a peck on the cheek.
“I’m sorry about yesterday.”
“No…” Rachelle said, “I think I shouldn’t have intruded, you know…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, Rach, it’s my fault.” He said, “Care for lunch?”
“Uh, thanks, Dean, but I think I’ll pass…”
“Rach…”
“Sorry, I’m just terribly busy…Thanks for going here, though.”
“Oh, okay.” Dean said, “I guess I’ll just see you around then…”
“Yeah, sure…see you…”
“You mean, he told you that he thinks you’re not in-love with his father?” Susana’s friend, Brenda asked her as they were having lunch that day. “Oh my, Dean’s smart, huh…”
“Brenda.”
“Sorry.” Brenda said, “It’s the first time you had an argument, huh? He’s still staying at Luke’s?”
Susana nodded her head, “It’s better that way.”
“You know Susana, it’s been too long. You and Edward…”
“I know it’s over. There’s definitely nothing I can do. I know that, Brenda. But in my mind and in my heart, he’ll always stay. That no one could ever take away from me.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
***
“I just thought about bringing you some fruits…” I smiled at Alvin as I visited him on site one day. I was holding a basket of fruits in one hand.
“That’s so thoughtful of you, my princess…” He said as he came up to me. His subordinates were looking at us. “Oh, hey guys…” he said, “This is…”
“Your girlfriend?” Someone asked.
We both laughed, “Oh, no, no, she’s…” He said and paused for a while.
“I’m his princess.” I smiled and finished for him. He looked at me.
“Ooh…” His subordinates said.
“And he’s my jester.” I joked. They all laughed.
“Well, your princess is calling you then…Go ahead.” One of them joked.
“Be back in a bit…” He called out as we started walking. He turned to me, “You’re a crazy girl…” He joked.
I laughed. “So, how’s your day?” I asked as he took the basket from me.
“Nothing out of the ordinary…until you came. You’ve been so quiet the past few days, you know.”
I smiled wistfully. “I was just thinking about some things.” I told him.
“Like what?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing.” I said and we continued walking. We finally reached our favorite free spot at the B & B. It was just a piece of grassland which overlooks the Taal lake. We prepared the amt and sat down.
“What were you really thinking about?” He asked again.
“You really wanna know?”
“Sure.”
“Just things…About you…me…us.” I said unmsurely.
“Us?”
I nodded my head.
“What about us?”
“I dunno…what we have, I guess…what people would think…what this makes of me… I mean, I know we’re not together Alvin, but…”
“But you can’t deny that we’re not just “friends” friends, right?” He said, “I actually wanted to talk to you about it, as well. But I thought, it may be too pushy…But I guess, we’re both adults now and we know what this means…”
“I don’t know what to make of it.”
“Are you happy?”
I paused and then, “Yes.” I told him, “I am. But even if I am, I still get to think about Dean…I mean, I didn’t mean to…to see you…it was just…I dunno, coincidence…”
“Nothing’s coincidence, Carlene.” He said, “You think God and fate would allow us to meet just for nothing? We met for a reason. We met because it was supposed to be. You came here because it was supposed to be. What if you chose another B & B? What if you chose to leave the country? What if you got married? It’s all about the choices we make.”
“I just didn’t expect for things to be this fast.”
“We don’t really have a control over these things…” He said, “But there are choices we could make.”
“Like what?”
“I dunno, like, being honest with each other…Like, saying how we really feel.” He said, “I believe it wouldn’t be easy to be honest if you’re not sure. But if you are, why the hell waste time right?” he continued, “I love you, Carlene.”
“I love you, too.” I told him. And for some reason, we both just laughed, knowing there was nothing else to say, knowing this was how it was supposed to me. We just held each other for a while until I spoke again.
“I’m gonna leave soon, though.” I said.
“Leave. Like, go back to Manila?”
“That.” I said, “And…going to New York.”
“Oh.”
“Are you mad?”
“No…” He said, “Just shocked…”
“I’m not gonna run away from you, you know?” I told him, “But I have to do what I have to do. I don’t want this to ruin us, like what it did to me and Dean. I trust in us, don’t you?”
“I do.” He said, and I know he meant it.
“And…in a few days time, I’m planning to go see Dean.”
He smiled and nodded his head, “That would be good.” He said. “I’d like to meet him, you know…”
“Why?”
“Because I have something to tell him.”
“And what is that?”
He laughed, “It’s a man thing.”
“You don’t even know him.”
“That’s why I wanna meet him.” He said, “And I’d like to be man enough to hear what he has to say, and to say what I have to say.”
I smiled and held his hand, “Thanks, Alvin.” I told him.
“You don’t have to thank me.” He said, “You’re my princess.” He smiled.
Chapter 6
“You know what I figured out, Luke?” Rachel asked Luke as they were talking one day at the veranda of Rachel’s house.
“What?”
“That all this time, it’s like I let myself be stuck on Dean.” She said, “I mean, we really can’t force things to be the way we want them to be. It’s useless to get stuck that way.”
Luke smiled. “That’s great, Rach. Coz you know what? I know a lot of guys who like you…”
She laughed and joked, “I’d loooove to meet them.” She winked.
Luke laughed, “Well, one of them is standing beside you now.”
She looked at him and almost laughed, “Luke…”
“You’re thinking it’s a joke, aren’t you?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I’m not joking, Rach.” He said, “I always liked you.”
“You never told me that.”
“Because you always liked Dean…” He said, “But all this time, I’m just here, waiting, staying beside you. And I always will.”
She smiled. In his mind, it was one of the only times he ever saw her eyes lit up when she smiled. “I hope you mean that.” She said.
“If 13 years ain’t enough, I’m willing to stay for more.” He smiled and she smiled back.
***
The maid told Susana that Dean was home that day. She went out of the kitchen and found Dean at the living room, looking like he was about to cry. They ran to each other and hugged.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry, mom…”
“I knew you’d come back.” Susana smiled.
“I was wrong, I’m sorry, I was just…It’s hard…”
“I know.” She said, “And I also want you to know something.”
“What is it?” He asked, confused.
She paused for a while, looked at nowhere, and then, “Years ago, when I was still in High school, I met someone. His name is Edward. He’s the guy on the photo.” She looked him in the eye and continued, “He just came from France and the very first friends he had in this country were me and your Tita Brenda… he was a very nice guy, very much a gentleman… and…” She paused for a while and then, “And he was the first guy I ever fell in love with.”
Dean was surprised and then, “Mom…”
“Just listen to me fi
rst.” She said, “We were friends, you know? He courted me and after a year, we were a couple. We… we went to college together, we had all these plans… After we graduated, he had to get back to France, just for a few months, to fix some things…And when he comes back, we’ll start preparing for our wedding… and then… and then your dad came.” She spoke, this time with tears welling up in her eyes, “Now, don’t get me wrong, Dean, there’s nothing wrong with your dad… He’s a good man, and I’ve known him for years… we were classmates since second grade… But that time, I loved Edward. It was also a time of arranged marriages…My…my father and Marco’s parents wanted us to marry each other, and I couldn’t do anything…Women then were pretty much nothing….and…and when Edward comes back, I had to tell him…” She paused and cried, “But he never came back…He was supposed to, you know? He called me up just before he boarded the plane, he was coming back…. But… but the plane crashed. He died.” She cried harder, as if the event only happened yesterday.
“Ma...” Dean said while holding her mom by the arms.
“I didn’t know what to do…I…I loved him, it was hard. I told your dad, he was a nice man but I didn’t love him enough for me to be able to marry him. But he didn’t listen. The wedding pushed through…I tried to be a good wife, I tried learning to love him…But… but it’s just not like what I had with Edward…” She said, “Now why am I telling you this? Because I love you, but I also have learned to love Carlene, and I understand her. Because that’s also what I would’ve wanted to do years back, and yet, no one cared. I don’t want the both of you ending up in a prison you have created for yourselves. Dean, I want you to let her go. Not because that’s the easiest thing to do, and not because you don’t love her, but because you love her so much that you’re willing to give her the freedom she needs and let her be the person she wants to be… I’m sorry that you had to go through this…But Dean, if the wedding went on, who knows? Things could be worse.”
At that point, Dean nodded his head, knowing that he understood his mom now, knowing all those years of silence now had a reason, and knowing what he needed to know. He hugged her and let her cry, because now the healing could finally come to a start.
Thinking of You Page 3