by K. C. Crowne
“I just think--” he started to speak, but then stopped.
“What? What is it?” I asked.
“I don’t know if we should do this, Chels,” he said, averting his gaze. “I mean, I want to, but-- I also don’t know if we should go down this road again, you know? Especially with everything you’ve been through. I don’t want to give you any false hope.”
My heart dropped into my stomach. “False hope?” I choked.
“Yeah, I’m not sure where this is going, and I think maybe we’re just being nostalgic,” he said. “Considering our past and all.”
My throat went dry, and it felt like it was closing up on me. I wasn’t not sure what I was thinking. I hadn’t really thought about what it would mean if we went much further, but now that he was shutting it all down, it made me wonder; had I hoped we could get back together?
“I understand,” I said, my voice low. I sat up in the bed and started looking for my clothes. “I’ll try to find somewhere new to stay tomorrow.”
“Chels, it’s not like that,” he said, grabbing my hand.
I pulled my hand away. My eyes were stinging with unshed tears. This was exactly what I was afraid of, and yet, I’d foolishly fallen into his arms.
“You’re welcome to stay as long as you want,” he said.
I shook my head. “No, you’re right, this isn’t a good idea.I think I should go to bed.”
Finn didn’t stop me as I threw on his old sweatshirt and gathered up the rest of my clothes. I hurried out of his room and into the spare room with Oliver. Closing the door behind me, I fell against it, the tears falling down my cheeks at last. I stifled the sobs, doing my best to not wake my son. Covering my face with my hands, I kept scolding myself.
How could you be so stupid?
Finn
I stared up at the ceiling, my erection not going anywhere. My body had wanted her so fucking badly, and even my heart was scolding me for the way I’d handled things. But I knew it was the right thing to do. We’d already gone too far, and if we’d actually had sex, things would have been worse.
God, I was such a fucking screw up. But she was so beautiful, and at heart, she was still the same girl she had been back then. The same girl I fell in love with. The same girl I’d apparently never stopped loving. Except, of course, neither one of us was the same person. I’d listened to her story, and her life had seriously been screwed over.
I didn’t want to cause her anymore hurt or heartache. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to step up and be the man she needed me to be. Not just for her, but Ollie as well. Was I ready to be a stepdad? I wasn’t sure. I’d always wanted children of my own, but Oliver already had a father - a shitty one, sure, but he still had a father out there, and he’d be in Chelsea’s life forever, whether we wanted him to be or not. He’d always be in the background. And, Chelsea never really felt at home here in New York, not the way I did. What would happen if she decided to leave again? Would I follow?
I’d lost Chelsea once before, was I willing to risk it all over again? Was I willing to risk getting attached to Oliver, only to have him ripped from my life as well?
The answer, in my brain, was a solid no. But my heart said otherwise.
There was also the risk of my job; the reason I hadn’t dated or settled down yet. I’d have a ready-made family, people who depended on me. Was I up to the task of being a father, of thinking of Oliver every time I walked into a burning building? Would I still do what needed to be done to save lives if people were waiting for me at home? I know many did just fine, but could I?
Until I could truthfully answer those questions for myself, I needed to keep my distance. Not only to protect myself, but also Chelsea and Oliver. If things ever went south, if we decided not to be together, it wouldn’t just be Chelsea and myself hurting. Oliver was now part of her life, and we both had to think about him.
I rolled over, pressing my face against the pillow. Closing my eyes, I inhaled her scent and my erection throbbed. I grabbed ahold of my cock, stroking it as I imagined not stopping with her. Had I not said anything, I’d have been balls deep inside of her right then, feeling her from the inside. Her nails would dig into my back as I made her come several more times. God, I loved making her come.
The sounds she made, the way she called my name. All of that fueled me as I stroked myself. My balls tightened against my body, and pleasure washed over me as ropes of cum shot out from my cock, covering my stomach.
It wasn’t the same as actually being with her, but it would have to do.
Hopefully, it would silence the thoughts in my mind long enough for me to go to sleep, and to keep a clear hear the next day. I needed to be on my best behavior. I couldn’t let us fall into my bed again.
Ooo000ooo
I was awoken to a knock on my bedroom door. I expected it to be Chelsea, and without thinking, I said, “Come in.”
I pulled the blanket over me, covering my naked body. When the door opened, however, it wasn’t Chelsea’s voice greeting me.
“For God’s sake, Finn,” my sister, Natalie said, covering her eyes. “Put some damn clothes on. Do you know what time it is?”
“I work nights, sis,” I grumbled, not in the mood to put up with my sister and her nagging. We lived totally different lives, and while I loved her to bits, it was hard for either of us to understand one another. “Can you leave so I can get dressed?”
She high-tailed it out of there, and in the hallway, I heard her talking with Chelsea. There was some girlish laughter. The two of them had gotten along back when we were younger, and from the sounds of it, they’d reconnected already.
I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, I thought, rolling out of bed. I glanced at the clock, thinking I’d slept past noon or something. Nope, just ten in the morning. Nothing too terrible, considering my schedule and all, but my sister didn’t have to work late nights and was always up at the crack of dawn. I’d never know why she needed to spread her sunshine on my ass this early though.
I threw some pants on, remembering that most of my clothes were in the living room. I dug around in my laundry basket until I found a t-shirt that wasn’t too dirty, throwing it on as well. I had no idea what my sister was doing there, she didn’t usually stop by unannounced, or at all, really. We rarely saw one another after mom died.
When I stepped out into the living area, Natalie and Chelsea were deep in conversation. Oliver was sitting on his mom’s lap, his head resting against her shoulder, and staring at my sister with curious eyes.
“He’s the cutest little thing,” Natalie said. “He should meet my girls sometime. They’d love him.”
“Oh, how old are they?” Chelsea asked.
“They’re three,” Natalie said, beaming proudly. “Here, let me show you a picture.”
She pulled out her phone, and before long, was scrolling through photo after photo of my nieces. I walked over to the fridge, not wanting to interrupt the girl bonding time. Staring into the empty refrigerator, I scolded myself for not doing some shopping.
“Zoey has a mind of her own,” Natalie laughed.
“A lot like someone I know,” I added.
“Oh hush, Finn. Like you’d know. You never come over and see them these days,” she said.
Chelsea turned to me. “Why don’t you see them more often, Finn?”
“Work keeps me busy,” I said, shutting the fridge with a sigh. Nothing to eat, I’d have to run to the store at some point, especially if Chelsea was sticking around for a bit. I needed to make sure they had enough to eat.
Natalie rolled her eyes. “Please, I’m a wife, mother, and a PhD student, don’t talk to me about not having enough time.”
My sister shook her head, her short brown hair swishing around her face. If her hair was just a bit longer, she’d look like mom. A spitting image of her. All of us looked very similar, with dark hair and either brown or hazel eyes, but Natalie looked most like mom. Probably because she was the only girl.
&
nbsp; “Earth to Finn,” Natalie said, waving her hand in front of my face.
“Sorry, I’m still not fully awake,” I said.
I caught Chelsea staring at me, and when our eyes met, she looked away quickly. Her cheeks were flushed bright red. Natalie looked at her, then me, then back at Chelsea and a grin spread across her face.
“Oh my God, really?” she squealed.
“What?” I asked.
“I always knew you two were meant to be,” Natalie continued.
Chelsea’s cheeks turned a brighter shade of red and she stood up, gently putting Oliver on the floor.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” Chelsea muttered.
She hurried off down the hallway, ducking into the bathroom. Oliver trailed after her, leaving my sister and me alone.
“We’re not like that, Natalie,” I said. “She was in trouble, I offered her a place to stay. Nothing more.”
“Uh huh,” Natalie said, leaning back in her chair with a satisfied look on her face. “Whatever you say, Finn, but I know better. I see the way you look at her. You’re still madly in love with her and--”
“I don’t even know the first thing about her anymore,” I said, interrupting her. I went back to the fridge, choosing to stare into the abyss rather than deal with my sister. “Besides, she’s got a kid.”
“So? You were always good with kids,” Natalie said. “Even if you seem to actively avoid mine.”
I cringed. “I don’t avoid my nieces, I just--”
“You just what?” Natalie asked. “Can’t deal with seeing us because it reminds you of mom?”
I slammed the fridge door shut and took a deep breath.
“What are you doing here, Natalie?” I asked. “It’s not like you to just stop by either, you know?”
“Well, maybe if I felt like my presence was desired, I’d come by more,” Natalie spat.
She sat there at my kitchen table, arms crossed in front of her chest, a look of hurt on her face. It pained me to see her like that. While she projected anger, I knew my sister well enough to know that I’d hurt her feelings.
“Nat, you’re always welcome to come over,” I said, speaking softly. “You and the girls.”
“Really?” she said, raising an eyebrow.
“Really,” I sighed.
My head was throbbing, and my stomach was growling. I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with my sister. We’d fallen apart, yes, but it wasn’t just me avoiding her. Sometimes it felt like I wasn’t welcomed into her life either. She had the perfect little upper-class family - the nice condo, the well-off husband, two beautiful little girls. It was a reminder of everything I wanted. Well, except for the money. I never really cared much for being wealthy; as long as I had enough to get by, I was happy. But everything else. Natalie reminded me a lot of mom, yes, but it was more than just that - her family reminded me a lot of our own family growing up.
And I felt like an outsider.
“Alright,” Natalie conceded, hands in the air, “I’m not going to argue about this. I just stopped by to invite you to the girl’s birthday party next week.”
“You couldn’t have called or texted me?” I muttered.
“No, Finn, because then you would have ignored it,” she said. “And I wanted to see my brother. I also wanted to make it clear the girl’s miss you. They want you in their lives.”
My heart dropped. “They remember me?”
“Seriously, Finn,” Natalie said, rolling her eyes. “They’re three, and they saw you at Christmas. Of course they remember you. It wasn’t that long ago.”
The bathroom door opened, and Natalie stopped talking. She mouthed to me. “Don’t screw this up again,” before Chelsea and Ollie re-joined us in the kitchen.
“Oh, and I’m sure Oliver would have a blast at the party too,” Natalie said, not-so-subtly hinting at me bringing Chelsea. “We’ve rented out the carousel at Central Park. There will be a magician, face painting, and so much more.”
“You rented out the carousel?” I asked.
“Yes, all to ourselves,” she said matter-of-factly.
“Zoey and Leia are turning three,” I said. “They won’t even remember--”
Both Chelsea and Natalie scowled at me so I admitted defeat and shut my mouth. They knew more about children than I did.
“So tell me you’ll be there, Chelsea? Pretty please?” Natalie begged, batting her lashes. She stood up and walked over to Chelsea, taking her hands in hers.
Chelsea looked over at me.
“It’s up to you. If you don’t mind spending time with my crazy family, you’re more than welcome to come.”
“Uhh sure,” Chelsea said, smiling. “I’d love to see everyone again, and of course, meet your girls.”
“Great,” Natalie said, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. “And make sure this one comes along, will ya?”
She was, of course, pointing at me.
“I’ll do my best,” Chelsea said, chuckling.
“Thank you, Chelsea. I always did like you more than my brother,” Natalie said, turning to stick her tongue out playfully at Finn. “Oh, and I’ll be back later this evening with some stuff for you.”
“Some stuff?” Chelsea asked.
“Yes, just some clothes for you, and maybe some toys and stuff for Oliver.”
“I can’t--” Chelsea backed away from my sister. “I mean, I don’t need--”
“Thank you, Natalie,” I said.
“No, seriously, it’s fine,” Chelsea stammered.
Of course, my sister was pretty hard-headed. She ignored Chelsea’s protests. I knew Chels hated to admit she needed the help, but the fact was, she needed all the help she could get. She had the clothes on her back and nothing else. At least not until her place was deemed safe to enter again, and God knew when that might be. And even then, there was likely very little that wasn’t damaged in the fire. My sister and she were about the same size, and while Natalie wouldn’t have clothes for Oliver, I knew my sister had resources. She knew so many people, she’d pull something together. Helping people was what she was good at and she enjoyed it.
She might be living an upper-class life now with her wealthy husband, but my sister never lost sight of how we were raised. It was one reason she was researching ways to help alleviate poverty within New York City.
It was her time to do what she did best, and there was nothing Chelsea could say to stop her.
Natalie hugged the still-protesting Chelsea and said goodbye to Oliver. When she was ready to leave, she pulled me aside by the door, wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly.
“Don’t let her go again, you hear me?” she whispered.
“We’re not--”
Natalie punched me in the arm, just like when we were kids.
“Listen to me, Finn. Don’t be stupid,” she said. “Stop denying destiny, will you?”
Destiny? I wasn’t so sure I believed in things like destiny and fate. Sure, our parents were into that stuff, but it never really stuck with me. I hadn’t realized it stuck with Natalie.
She shot me a look that I knew not to argue with. I smiled and hugged her tightly.
“Love you sis,” I said.
“You’ll be at the girl’s party then?” she said.
“Of course,” I said, feeling uneasy at just the thought. Especially since Chelsea was going. Being surrounded by happy families and children would be hard enough. But being there, with her and witnessing what our life could have been had she stayed in New York, sounded even more depressing.
For both of us.
Ooo000ooo
“Jesus Christ,” Chelsea exclaimed as my sister and several of her friends dropped off bags upon bags of clothing, toys, bath products, makeup, you name it. Chelsea’s eyes were wide, and her jaw was on the floor. My sister had also dropped off dinner, which we finished before digging into the bags in the living room. Oh, and she was kind enough to buy me some groceries too. It wasn’t just Chelsea who was gett
ing treated to my sister’s kindness. I had the money, but apparently, my sister decided to fill my fridge and cupboards with healthy foods.
Chelsea had hardly said a word until my sister had left, and then, she turned on me.
“I didn’t want their charity,” she said, her jaw clenched tightly. She hadn’t even looked into the bags yet.
I knew my sister and what she was capable of, but still, the sheer volume of it all surprised me. In a matter of hours, she was able to fill my living room with her donated items. Half the stuff didn’t even seem to be used. Some bags from Macy’s, Bloomingdales, and other high-end shops were mixed in there too.
“Don’t think of it as charity,” I said, scratching my head. “These women have too much stuff, and you’re doing them a favor. I think there’s a Netflix show that encourages getting rid of stuff, and--”
“Some of this is still new,” Chelsea interrupted, picking up a Saks Fifth Avenue Bag.
“Yeah, well, people with that kind of money have nothing better to do than shop, I guess,” I said, shrugging. “I don’t get it either.”
“They didn’t buy this for me, did that?” she said.
“Nah,” I said, though to be honest, I wasn’t sure. I wouldn’t have put it past some of Natalie’s friends - and even Natalie herself - to go shopping for new things for someone in need. But I figured it would make Chelsea feel better to think that wasn’t the case. A Victoria’s Secret bag stuck out , and curiosity got the best of me. I shouldn't have looked. Apparently, my sister had a few ideas up her sleeve, and picked out some sexy things for Chels along with the ordinary clothing. “Probably stuff they bought and never wore, you know how it is.”
“No, I really don't,” she said.
I instantly regretted my choice of words, cringing. No, of course Chelsea had no idea what it was like to shop carelessly. Except for the brief time she was with Rick, she’d always struggled with money.