“I chose Amber because she is one of your best friends. I think she will introduce us very soon—only a matter of time.” He smiled proudly.
“Oh.” I didn’t know of something better to say.
I was sure this was going to turn out to be a bad idea. Amber was enroute to falling in love with the handsome new guy and she would be mad at me if he spent more time with me than with her after she introduced us. Bad, bad, bad. I already had enough problems.
“I am not interested in her,” Jaden repeated.
“But she’s the prettiest girl at Aurora High—”
“Maybe,” he said with a grin that was between provocative and mocking. “Anyway, try to be around her as much as possible in the following days, so we’ll have to officially meet.” What was that expression he had now? Smugness? He did seem pretty pleased with himself.
“Fine,” I said, as nonchalantly as I could muster. “But we aren’t going to become a couple, are we?”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I blushed and regretted them. All too easily I saw in my mind’s eye Jaden embracing me in a school hallway while jealous girls sailed by in disapproval. And what would Amber say?
Jaden shifted his gaze to the window.
“I don’t think becoming a couple will be necessary,” he said with a hint of that angelic stiffness that sometimes characterized his speech.
“Great,” I said and hoped he couldn’t hear the ambivalence I was feeling. My mind had placed Adam in the picture instead of Jaden. In my daydream Adam was now holding me in his arms. I could almost feel his hands on the small of my back. And then my heart hurt again, a pulsating lump throbbing inside me.
Jaden stroked my cheek lightly.
“I think it’s best if you go to sleep,” he told me. I couldn’t read his face; it was set.
“Maybe,” I answered, willing the pain in my chest to stop without success. I carefully moved away from his touch and slid from the bed.
I pulled out my nightie and headed for the bathroom without looking back.
Visit
As always, the information I could extract from the conversations with Jaden weren’t half as satisfying as I’d hoped. I’d been filled in on his plan to socially meet me at school, so nobody would be suspicious of our friendship. Other than that, I knew particularly nothing. What he had told me about the demons possibly coming to get me sometime soon was vague. It hadn’t even scratched the surface of what he knew. I had learned to notice when he wasn’t telling me everything he knew.
I was watching Gregory, who was sitting across the table with his head bent over an open book. How could I concentrate with everything crashing down around me? I started to worry if it had been a good idea to study with Greg. I wasn’t sure I would be able to concentrate long enough to even have a chance at memorizing any of the important things. I doubted it.
“...the Admiral’s name was...” Gregory asked in a tone like it was the billion-dollar-question. He looked up when I didn’t answer.
“I don’t know—don’t remember,” I scowled at him.
I felt like an ungrateful git. I had asked him for help, not the other way around. Now I was sitting here, lethargic—a complete waste of time and space.
“Come on, Claire, you already got that,” he encouraged me with a boyish grin.
Fortunately, Gregory had a cheerful nature. I could name days in my life I had wanted to kick him for his usual happy mood and days I had envied him for the ability to stay cheerful when the world seemed to crash down around him. I needed bits of his happiness lately.
I swallowed my thoughts and worries and returned my attention to my willing teacher.
“Sorry, Greg,” I pulled up one corner of my mouth a little—not even a half-smile, but as close as I could get these days. “Can you repeat that?” I asked, and expected him to laugh at my lack of memory. He didn’t. He just smiled and began to tell me the same story he had already told me.
I fought hard to keep track, but I was sure I wouldn’t be able to remember half of it by the end of the hour. The living room’s interior held much more fascination. I marveled at the flaws in the furniture. I had never examined the table’s painting so thoroughly; it was amazing how the many little scratches that had occurred over the years, decorated the gray surface in unorganized patterns.
I concentrated as hard as I could, intending to make today worth my effort and his time. In what seemed to be no time at all, the hour had nearly passed. I leaned back and yawned behind my book.
“I think you’re cooked for today,” Greg commented.
“Think so, too,” I agreed, stretching my arms. “Thanks so much, Greg.”
“Let’s see if it helped before you start the hallelujahs,” he joked and my lip twitched at the corner. It was as much a smile as anyone could get out of me.
“Okay.”
We got to our feet simultaneously and I started cleaning the table while Greg moved to the hall and put on his shoes. He poked his head in through the door after a minute.
“See you tomorrow, Claire,” he called and I hurried over to hug him goodbye.
“See you.” I slung my arms around his neck quickly and let go even quicker. Don’t give him the wrong impression, I reprimanded myself.
I waved after him as I closed the door behind him. It had been a long, long evening after a longer afternoon after an even longer morning; but I had lived through it. I had paid attention in class as I had promised myself and it had worked most of the time. I had been able to pretend to care about what the teachers had to say and I had been able to pretend I was no longer suffering. I had finally managed to look normal—no matter how agonizing the pain in my chest was.
I had tried to stay with Amber most of the time, like Jaden had asked me to, but after a while I had needed Lydia’s quiet personality and stuck with her for lunch. Greg had kept us company, too. To go with Jaden’s plan, I would have to learn even more self-control.
Exhausted and tired by the activities of the day, I went to bed and fell into a dreamless sleep. I slept through the whole night without waking up and reopened my eyes to the stinging noise of the alarm clock. I felt relatively good—considering my situation—and went through my usual morning ritual with surprising enthusiasm. I even checked my clothes before I put them on. Matching colors today. Gray jeans, purple blouse, and a grayish-beige vest. I pulled my hair up in a ponytail and checked my reflection in the mirror. I looked decent—better than I had in weeks.
Sophie rushed past me on my way downstairs.
“Good morning and good bye!” she called as she shoved me aside and squeezed past at the bottom of the stairs.
“Running late?” I called after her and hurried to catch up with her at the front door.
“Surprisingly, yes.” She grimaced as she knelt down to put on her shoes.
“Because you’re never late,” I said, sarcasm heavy in my voice.
She flashed me a wonderfully bright Sophie-smile. One of the smiles that said “Shut up and get lost!” while making you think she had just said I love you. I bit my lip and concentrated on my shoelaces.
“See you,” Sophie said before she got to her feet and rushed out of the house. I put on my jacket and picked up my bag, then headed for my car.
On my drive to school, I spotted Jaden’s car in the mirror. After I picked up Lydia, he was suddenly right behind me. I wondered where he had come from. Did he have a house or a flat nearby? I earned myself angry honks when I continued gazing into space through the green traffic light, thinking where Jaden might be when not with me or at school.
“Okay, okay...no stress!” I called at no one specific and hit the gas violently. As I glanced into the rear view mirror, I glimpsed Jaden grinning in amusement. Surely he had heard me and he had sensed my blast of feelings. A new one—anger—after weeks of pain.
“Do you think it’s gonna rain tonight?” Lydia asked cautiously, obviously taken aback by my outburst.
I shook my head
at her question a little too wildly and took a quick glance up at the sky. A few gray clouds floated in the brightening overhead. “I don’t know.” My voice sounded annoyed and that was how I felt. I tried to concentrate on the road but the car in the mirror made me nervous somehow. I didn’t understand myself. Maybe Jaden would.
“Richard and I have plans to go for a nice long walk with his parents tonight,” Lydia enlightened me. I didn’t care. I just wanted to reach school and hit Jaden’s head with something solid for honking at me. I was surprised by the violence of my thoughts.
“Sounds nice,” I commented. My voice was contained again and I had no intentions of letting my control slip now. I didn’t want Lydia to ask questions.
I pulled into the parking lot and saw Jaden do the same.
“Over there,” Lydia directed me to a free spot near the entrance of the west building of the school. She didn’t take any notice as the car, which had followed us since shortly after she had gotten into my car, parked two vehicles from mine. We got out of the car together and I locked it before we turned towards the entrance.
“Hey there,” I heard a voice call from somewhere nearby. I turned around instinctively and saw Gregory hurrying towards us from the next row of parked cars.
I felt my heart lighten that it was just him. I tucked my bag and books into one arm and waved at him with my free hand.
“How are you today?” He asked smiling. “Still tired?”
I shook my head. “No, I slept really well, actually.” I told him disbelievingly.
“Pfew...” he whistled out the air in fake astonishment. “Who would have guessed that?”
I hit his arm with my fingers and Lydia stared at us like we came from outer space.
“Can you believe it?” Greg continued, half-whispering to Lydia, conspiring. “This girl,” he pointed at me, “sleeps.”
“Sure she does,” Lydia said dryly and shook her head at him. “Don’t you?”
Lydia led the way to the history class. I felt my stomach growing nervously nauseous as I thought of the amount of things I should have remembered, but surely hadn’t.
“Don’t worry,” Greg whispered from the seat beside me when Mrs. Weaver entered the classroom.
Amber was late today. She came in a few minutes after the teacher, apologizing for the delay. Jaden sat at the front of the room in the first row. I noticed Amber’s eyes flashing straight in his direction the moment she entered the room. The chairs beside him were already occupied. Amber’s lips tightened for a second and then she walked to the back of the room where she sat down in the seat next to Lydia. From the way she sat stiffly through the whole lesson, I could tell that she was annoyed. She didn’t like seeing Jaden with other girls. It was his third day at Aurora High and Amber was already possessive like a dragon on a heap of jewels.
I wondered what she would be like when she found out that Jaden didn’t care for her at all—at least not in the way she did for him. What would she think if she found out he did for me? Would it be the end of our friendship? I forced my eyes back to the blackboard and started memorizing names and dates that were written there.
The morning went too quickly to talk much to anyone. I sped from class to class, constantly running behind without a real reason. Maybe I was doing it subconsciously because I was afraid of the conversation that would surely come. Every time I saw Amber or Jaden I slowed my pace to fall behind. Whenever I saw both of them together, I felt an echo of nausea and hurried to the next bathroom to get out of their way.
“What’s up with you today?” Lydia asked as I grabbed her sleeve and pulled her into the bathroom with me when we walked down the hallway to the cafeteria. “You’re—different.”
She didn’t sound upset, just worried; so I decided to give her some of the truth.
“I’m trying to start leading a normal life again.”
“By hiding in bathrooms?” Lydia asked, looking like she was positive I had lost my mind.
“I’m not hiding,” I lied.
“Yes, you are,” Lydia confronted me. She had become more of a self-confident, determined person since she had been with Richard. I hadn’t noticed before, but I could see it now. I hadn’t been very perceptive since—
My heart became heavier than it had felt the whole day. A web of barbed wire was cutting into it and I remembered that I had more than one reason to hide.
“Okay...I am,” I admitted and instantly regretted it as she asked me why. What should I tell her? Obviously not the truth—that was out of the question. “I want to wait ‘till most of the people are gone from the cafeteria. I don’t feel like sitting in a crowd too much today.” The pain in my chest would surely be visible in my face and this had to make my answer plausible to her.
As I had expected, Lydia’s face was full of pity. “You still miss him, don’t you?” It wasn’t a question. “I believe that it’s hard and that it hurts, but you can’t exclude yourself from life any longer. You have to go back to normal patterns, Claire. Life goes on; with or without you. And I’d rather it was with.”
She took a step towards me and put her arm around my shoulder. “Your friends need you. Greg and Amber—well, maybe not Amber, she’s currently so busy crushing on that new guy that she doesn’t see anything else—” Lydia laughed and shook her head briefly, “—but I need you.”
I let myself lean against her for a while, slinging my arms around her.
“It will be okay,” she hummed and patted my head.
I didn’t cry. All my tears were safely locked away for now; but I felt that I needed her and my other friends, because that was the only thing left of Adam. Their memory of him. It didn’t take more than a few seconds for me to make the connection that besides me and my friends, there were other people whose memories of Adam (another sharp cut of pain in my chest) were at least as strong as mine—I had to visit the Gallagers.
“Thank you, Lyd,” I said and pulled away. What I really meant was, thank you for helping me get the idea of visiting Chris, Jenna, and Ben Gallager, Adam’s family.
Suddenly I felt the urge to make the day pass even faster. I wanted to rush to the cafeteria and make time speed up by watching the crowd. I didn’t care anymore whom I’d meet. All I cared about was to be somewhere I had been happy, to see the people that had shared a life with the man I had loved—still loved insanely, irrationally, self-destructively.
“Anytime.” Lydia smiled at me and we left the bathroom and headed for the cafeteria.
We were lucky not to run into Amber and Jaden. I spotted them leaving the cafeteria the moment we sat down with our trays at a round table in the far corner of the room. Greg found us after I had finished my soup. He had Sam with him and they were talking animately about soccer in Europe. He was telling Sam about how terrible the teams were in the small country his grandparents came from, the one with the mountains which’s name I didn’t know.
“...You can’t imagine how absolutely lame they are. I think there’s not more than nine or ten teams in the league...” Greg blabbered and I concentrated on the vegetables on my plate.
I was grateful that the afternoon went as fast as the morning. It was almost like no time had passed at all when I was back at home, fumbling my cell phone out of my pocket and dialing a number I hadn’t thought I would dial ever again.
“Hey Jenna,” I croaked as she answered the phone. “It’s Claire.”
A long silence filled the air and then Jenna’s voice reappeared at my ear.
“Claire, dear,” she almost cried. “It’s been so long since we heard of you...We thought you might be—” she fell silent abruptly for a second. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” I said casually, trying not to start crying. “Jenna,” I wanted it out before my emotions went awry. “Do you think I could come visit you tonight?”
Another short pause from her side.
“If you’d like to. I would love to see you—and I’m sure Chris would, too.” Her voice became heavy and
sad at the last few words.
“Is he still—suffering?” I couldn’t name it better.
“Of cause he is, after everything he’s been through. But I’d like to tell you in person, not on the phone if you don’t mind. There are some things—”
“I’ll be right there. I’ll just put on my shoes and I’m on my way,” I said, already jamming a foot into a sneaker.
“Good,” Jenna said in a low voice. “Don’t hurry too much. We don’t want you get hurt on your way, do we?”
“Don’t worry. See you in a minute,” I said and hung up, already stowing my phone back into my pocket. My freed hands raced to help my feet into my shoes and before I could start thinking about what I was doing, I was sitting in my car.
Before I started the engine, I dialed another number.
“Hi, Mr. Baker,” I called into the phone. “I just wanted to tell you that I could work tomorrow afternoon if you need me.”
The old man was happy to hear my voice and told me he needed me, that he was looking forward to seeing me the next day.
Proud of myself for leading my life back onto the rails, I turned the key in the ignition. The pain in my chest was for once bearable—for a few seconds.
The engine came to life and I steered the car out of the driveway, down the street and through the city, a direction I hadn’t taken in a while.
The winding road to the Gallagers’ estate had never seemed so long and I was glad when the big house finally appeared in view. Some of the nervousness I had felt this morning returned to my stomach and I shook my shoulders to get rid of the upcoming hysteria. There was no need to be afraid. Nothing was going to happen, or so I hoped.
I took the steps to the door in a flash and rang the doorbell, feeling both excitement and dread. The door opened immediately.
Ben was standing there, so tall and trim in a dark blue pea jacket with his car keys in his hand. Clearly he was not there to answer my ring but was heading out. As he registered my presence his expression changed from preoccupied to hostile. I shrank back an inch or two and opened my mouth to speak but I must have looked like a fish in a fishbowl because nothing came out. My cheeks flamed before I found a few words.
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