by Uncle Amon
Christmas Stories
Uncle Amon
Uncle Amon Books
~~~
Copyright © 2014 Uncle Amon Books
All rights reserved. This book is a work of fiction. No part of this book or this book as a whole may be used, reproduced, or transmitted in any form or means without written permission from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Free Gift!
Santa’s Beard
Christmas in the Future
The Middle of the Sea
Christmas in Orbit
Boxing Day?
Christmas Jokes
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Santa’s Beard
Santa stared into the mirror and sighed. He ran his fingers through his thick, white beard. It was July. A few months to Christmas. He was spending the time with his wife in Florida. He sighed again.
“What's the matter,” his wife, Mrs. Claus, asked.
“It's this beard.” He turned away from the mirror. “It's driving me crazy.”
“What? I thought you liked the beard.”
He stroked it thoughtfully. “I do, I suppose. It's just that it's so hot out. This thing is so stifling and itchy and I just want to get rid of it.”
“So shave it,” said Mrs. Claus.
“I can't.”
“Oh, why?”
“It's a part of my image. I can't get rid of the beard. Who is Santa without his beard. No one.”
“Santa, we're on vacation. You have time to grow the beard back.”
Santa gestured wildly at the beard that extended all the way down to his large gut. “Really? You think I can grow all this back by December?”
Mrs. Claus patted Santa's shoulder. “Aw dear, so what if you can't get it all the way back? You did not even always have that beard. Remember when we met? All you had was that handlebar mustache. It worked then.”
“I can't go back to the handlebar. As much as I'd love to. People expect the beard.”
Mrs. Claus sat down, growing frustrated. “No one sees you anyway. Who cares what they expect?”
Santa, sensing her frustration, grabbed her hands. “But what if they spot me? They spot me and I have a handlebar mustache, or worse, nothing at all. What would they think?”
“They would probably think you were a robber,” Mrs. Claus laughed.
Santa laughed with her. “Exactly.” Santa's laughter faded and he sighed again.
“Listen, how about you shave the beard, just this once. If you can't grow it back you can wear a false beard. No one will even know!”
“You sure?” asked Santa.
“It works for all those Santas at the malls. Why not the real Santa?”
Santa thought about this for a moment. Later that day people at the beach saw a man who looked a lot like Santa. People told him that if he grew himself a beard he would be the spitting image. He laughed and it brought everyone who heard it a sense of joy and good will they could not explain.
Christmas Activity
Have you seen Santa around town? He could be anywhere in disguise. Be sure to be extra good this year. Keep an eye out for Santa!
Christmas in the Future
Alton opened the door to his apartment and shielded his eyes. The normally dark room was filled with bright light. Peeking through his fingertips he eventually saw that the light was actually made out of many smaller lights. He stepped inside and rubbed his eyes. A short robot ran to greet him.
“Welcome home, Alton!” the small robot chimed.
“Yeah, yeah. What's with all the lights,” Alton said tiredly.
“I have decorated for Christmas!”
Alton kicked off his shoes and shuffled further into the apartment. Strings of lights had been hung everywhere. They wrapped around the walls and draped across the ceiling. Any surface not covered in lights had been dressed up with garlands made of a shiny plastic that reflected the lights. Everything seemed to give off light.
“Why have you decorated for Christmas?” asked Alton.
The robot's head clicked as it formed an answer. “Because that is what you do on Christmas. You decorate your house. Do you not like it?”
To be honest, Alton did not like it. He did not hate it either. Unfortunately, robots had trouble understanding a middle ground between positive and negative feelings. If he said he did not like it, then the robot would think they had done something wrong. All the robot did was something that Alton found annoying, but he did not want them to feel bad.
“No, I like it. Just warn me next time you decide to decorate. I was nearly blinded by all this.”
The robot clapped its plastic hands together. “I am glad you like it. You will also enjoy the many Christmas events I have prepared for us to do.”
Now the robot had begun to push the limits. Alton gritted his teeth. “What events?”
The robot shrank back from Alton. “I have purchased Christmas crackers. We can open them after the dinner I have prepared. Then we can exchange gifts.”
Alton's face softened. “You got me a gift?”
“Yes.”
Alton turned and slipped his shoes back on. The small robot followed him to the door.
“Alton, where are you going?”
“I, uh, just remembered I needed to buy something. Something completely unrelated to all this. I'll be back soon, so go ahead and set the table for dinner. Including the Christmas crackers.”
The robot bowed happily. “Right away!”
Alton smiled and left the apartment. Now he just had to figure out what kind of gift a robot would like.
Christmas Activity
Surprise friends and family this year with a special gift. You don’t have to spend money to give a special gift. You can draw a picture, sing a song, offer to do some extra chores, or just help around the house! It’s the thought that counts. Your friends and family will appreciate it!
The Middle of the Sea
Ferdinand leaned heavily on the railing of the upper deck, watching the moon. The still ocean waters reflected the moon and stars so perfectly that he could not make out the horizon. He felt someone tap on his shoulders. It was Celia, a small package wrapped in brown paper in her hand.
“Oh Celia, thank you, but I did not get you anything,” said Ferdinand.
“We have been on this ship for the past month, I would be surprised if you did,” said Celia.
Ferdinand pushed the package away. “Even so, I do not deserve this.”
“But it's Christmas.”
“It hardly looks like it.”
“Ferdinand, snow is the last thing we need.”
The day before had been enough of a storm that the two of them were glad that tonight's sky held no clouds and barely any waves. The storm had so violently tossed the ship that all of their charts and navigational devices had been lost, along with the cargo that was the very reason they were out in the middle of the ocean in the first place. Fe
rdinand, being captain, felt that all of these misfortunes were his responsibility. He sunk down on the railings.
“No, I mean decorations, lights, music. It's so calm. Too calm. It doesn't feel like Christmas.”
Celia laughed. “Decorations? Lights? Ferdinand look up. Look at all the stars. How could you want any more lights? Music? What about the rhythm of the waves against the ship? The wind ruffling the flags and whistling through the gaps in the ship? We have all the music we need.” Ferdinand could not be cheered up. Celia offered her gift again. “This will make it feel like Christmas again, trust me.”
Ferdinand took the gift and unwrapped it. Under the brown paper was a small box, its edges stained with water. Inside the box was a shining new compass. Ferdinand looked up in surprise at Celia.
“I had gotten it for you before we left. The storm had made finding it a little difficult. Do you like it?”
“I love it,” Ferdinand said with tears in his eyes. He stood, hugged Celia and looked at the compass. “Now, as for your gift, how about I get you home?”
“I think that can wait for now, listen.”
They were both quiet. From below decks they could hear the rest of the crew merrily singing Christmas songs. They stayed on the upper decks, watching the sky and listening to the music.
“Merry Christmas, Celia.”
Christmas in Orbit
“Where is it Christmas now?”
Mark sighed. “Middle of Russia.”
Oscar sighed and pushed away from the window. He floated backwards, making a small flip before landing on the wall opposite the window.
“You know it’s Christmas somewhere on Earth. That should be good enough for us,” said Mark.
“It's not Christmas where we took off,” said Oscar, “Until it's Christmas there, it's not Christmas here.”
Their small spacecraft floated over the Earth, passing over Japan. Now the Pacific Ocean was below them.
“Where is it Christmas now?” asked Oscar.
“Still just over the middle of Russia. Look, we just passed over where it was Christmas and we'll probably do it again before it's Christmas where we launched from. Let's just say Christmas.”
Oscar pouted. “No, that's cheating. That's like opening your presents on Christmas Eve.”
Mark paused, “But I did do that.”
Oscar gasped loudly and pointed at Mark.
“Oh come on, it was only a present or two. It was always pajamas. My parents clearly planned it that way.”
Oscar floated past Mark, still pointing silently with a shocked expression. Mark pushed him away.
“Okay fine. Wait until its Christmas at command, but just please stop asking me where it's Christmas. It's going to be Russia for a very long time. Russia is very big in case you haven't noticed all those times we were above it.”
“Russia is pretty big,” Oscar said to himself. He tried to wait silently and made it five minutes. “Is it still Christmas in Russia?”
“What? Yes of course.”
“No, I mean, is it only Christmas in Russia still?”
“It's Christmas in a lot of places that aren't Russia. Like Japan, China, the Koreas, Vietnam...”
“Yeah I know but what about Europe? Any of Europe got Christmas?”
“No. Europe hasn't got Christmas,” Mark said as he pulled on his spacesuit. “It's going to be a while before Europe has Christmas,” he said as he floated into the airlock.
Oscar asked something through the airlock door, but Mark could not hear it. He opened the airlock and floated around the outside of the craft, held to it by a tether. He sighed peacefully.
“Mark. Where's it Christmas now?” Oscar asked over the radio.
There was a long pause on the other end of the radio. Then a long, tired sigh. Then Oscar heard Mark say, “India just got Christmas.”
Boxing Day?
Christmas was over. After 364 days of waiting, Christmas had come and passed. The presents had been opened. The wrapping was discarded. The specials on TV were watched. Dinner was eaten. The day had passed, just like every Christmas before it, but just a little bit more special somehow. Now it was the day after. The first of another 364 days of waiting.
Penny and Tyler sat outside on the stoop. Tyler was playing a new game he had gotten the day before. Penny was reading a book she had received. Their original plan for this day was to build a snowman, but the snow that had fallen on Christmas was already melting into wet piles on their lawn. Their friend Kevin came bounding over the fence that separated his lawn from theirs and walked over to them.
“Happy Boxing Day!” Kevin shouted excitedly.
“Boxing Day?” Penny and Tyler asked in unison.
“Yeah, Boxing Day!”
Penny and Tyler looked at each other, then at Kevin. Kevin was looking back at them, his eyes filled with energy and a crooked smile on his face.
“There's no such thing as Boxing Day, is there?” asked Penny.
Kevin dropped his smile. “What? No, it's real!”
“Yeah right,” Tyler said, returning his attention to his game.
Kevin closed Tyler's handheld game and Penny's book. “No really, check the calendar!”
The three of them went inside to find a calendar. There was one hanging on the fridge. They looked at the day after Christmas. Up in the corner of the box marked “26” were the words “Boxing Day.”
“See, I told you,” said Kevin.
“I don't believe it,” said Penny, “What is Boxing Day?”
“Maybe you gather up all the boxes from Christmas,” suggested Tyler, “You know, recycle them for next year.”
“No, I think it has something to do with the sport,” said Kevin, “If it was about boxes it would be called Box Day.”
“It's a Canada thing.” The three of them turned to see Tyler and Penny's older brother, Zach, standing there. “Boxing Day's just a Canada holiday.”
“But what do they do?” asked Penny.
Zach shrugged, pulled out a bottle of juice and left with it. The three friends sat and thought about this mysterious Boxing Day. After a while, Kevin snapped his fingers.
“My aunt! I have an aunt in Canada. We can call and ask her!”
They ran back to Kevin's house, found the number for Kevin's aunt in a book by the phone, and called. The phone rang three times before Kevin's aunt answered.
“Boxing Day?” she repeated their question back at them. “I don't know what that is. Sorry, but I have to go.”
The three sat staring at the phone. Well if someone in Canada did not know what Boxing Day was, maybe it was one of those mysteries with no answer.
Back in Canada, Kevin's aunt slipped on her pair of boxing gloves.
“Sorry, about that,” she said to her friends and family as she climbed back into the ring, “Now what round were we in?”
Christmas Jokes
Q: What was the monkey’s favorite Christmas song?
A: Jungle bells!
Q: Where does the snowman keep his money?
A: In the snow bank!
Q: Who delivers cat Christmas presents?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: What are Santa’s helpers taught at an early age?
A: The elf-abet!
Q: What game do reindeer play in their stalls?
A: Stable-tennis!
Q: What do elf students do?
A: Gnome work!
Q: What can Santa give away and still keep?
A: A cold!
Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: How do you know when Santa Claus is near?
A: It’s easy to sense his presents!
Q: What songs do Santa’s gnomes sing to him when he comes home freezing on Christmas night?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Q: What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
A: Santapplause!
Q: Did you hear about Dracula’s Christmas
party?
A: It was a scream!
Q: Who sings “Love me tender,” and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa’s little Elvis!
Q: What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
A: Grave-y!
Q: What did the reindeer say to the linebacker?
A: No more Blitzen for you!
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!
Q: What do snowmen do on the weekend?
A: Chill out!
Q: How do cats greet each other at Christmas?
A: A furry merry Christmas and happy mew year!
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
A: It’s true. Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What’s fat and jolly and runs on eight wheels?
A: Santa on roller skates!
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!
Q: Which bug does not like Christmas?
A: A humbug!
Q: Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
A: Santa Clues!
Q: Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?
A: He said it was too tight!
Q: What do you get when you cross a famous singer and one of Santa’s helpers?
A: Elfis Presley!
Q: What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has no el!
Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem!
Q: Why does Santa go down chimneys?
A: Because they soot him!
Q: Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the Christmas ball?
A: It was a moth ball!
Q: Why couldn’t the Christmas tree stand up for itself?
A: It didn’t have legs!
Q: What did Dracula say at the Christmas party?
A: Fancy a bite?
Q: Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
A: Because he didn’t want to be recognized!