‘I’m sorry...and, Will?’ she muttered into his chest, as he looked down at her. ‘Thank you.’
He grunted in response as a sense of calm prevailed over her, wrapped in his warm embrace. They stayed like that for a long moment, his hands sliding up and down her spine before he reluctantly let her go.
‘Listen, do you hear that?’ Will’s eyes widened as he looked up, his head careening round to hear something. ‘It seems as though we’ve passed through the worst of the storm.
‘Oh, thank God!’
‘I’m going to see if I’m needed. Stay here!’
She nodded and grabbed Perdu, tying the rigging around her wrist once more. ‘See what a fix you got us both into...and it’s no use looking at me like that. The whole incident was entirely your fault...but I am so glad that I have you now,’ she said as he barked in response.
Chapter Seventeen
All hands were on deck, attending to the difficult task of ridding the swell of water from the vessel. Flouting his edict to stay away, Isabel mucked in as she threw bucket after bucket of water back into the sea. With the job eventually completed, it was time to take some rest and, judging by how Isabel looked—ashen and ready to drop on her feet—she needed it. It had been just like her to insist that she help instead of getting some warmth back into her body, but then Isabel could be incredibly belligerent, as she’d once pointed out.
Putting his arms around her so that he was able to support her weight, he guided her back to the stern and the small space beneath the aft castle.
The rug had been removed to dry off and, in its stead, dry blankets had been strewn on the floor for Isabel’s comfort, not that she had been aware as her eyes fluttered closed and her head tipped back.
Will gently laid her down and watched as she curled to her side, already fast asleep. He settled beside her, pulling her close, with the blanket over them, his head too weary to remember the need for caution around her.
For both their sakes, he had purposefully kept away from her during this sea voyage, giving her the deference that her rank deserved, especially in front of these seamen, mindful of giving them the wrong impression. But, in truth, Will just didn’t trust himself around Isabel any longer. Every time he spent any length of time with her, he wanted more—nay, yearned for more. This moment now soothed away those concerns. Right now, lying beside her eased his mind and, as he held on to her, he knew he just didn’t care. Not this night.
Not when he had almost lost her...
Will had never been so terrified, when Isabel had been flung to the side of the boat. They had been in perilous situations along this journey, but nothing...nothing had made him feel as helpless as when he’d watched her almost topple into the sea. Instinct had made him throw himself in the air for her...but, God’s breath, it had been far too close for his peace of mind.
It was all part of his duty, he reminded himself. Isabel’s well-being and safety came above everything. If that meant that he had to see to it personally, by holding her all night...then so be it. Besides, Will was too tired to resist her company any longer. The fight was not in him.
* * *
Will watched the hazy golden hues of the vivid sunrise burst through the opalescent horizon. The sea winked glimmers of light, forgiving now in its calm, temperate state, so vastly different from the angry, ferocious way it had almost devasted and swallowed them whole.
He turned, sensing Isabel move beside him, and gave her a small smile, followed by her little dog, which took to sniffing the area. They stood side by side on the raised aft castle looking out to sea and watching the dawn break together, immensely thankful they were able to.
She slipped her hand into his and gave it a squeeze. ‘Are you still angry with me?’ she asked quietly.
‘Angry, mad and above all furious.’
‘Oh, dear...’
‘Indeed.’
‘It was sheer instinct to save Perdu. I just didn’t think.’
‘That is admirable,’ he said. ‘But you compromised your own safety.’
‘I realise that.’
‘What you did was possibly one of the foolhardiest things that I’ve ever witnessed anyone do. It was more than even I would have done.’
‘You?’ She arched an eyebrow. ‘Commit foolhardy acts?’
‘That would be telling, Isabel.’
‘I cannot imagine it. You are the most sensible of men.’
‘Am I?’ His lips twitched at each corner. ‘One of us has to be, Isabel...and I’ve been called many things, but sensible has never been one them.’
‘Ah, well, what about loyal, steadfast and resolute...?’
He inclined his head. ‘Naturally, my lady.’
‘As well as kind, caring and courteous.’
‘Dear me—’ he grinned ‘—you’re putting me to the blush.’
‘And above all, brave, valiant and honourable, as befits my knight.’
Well now, how to respond?
Much as he wanted to believe the picture Isabel had painted, the reality was far more distorted than that. Far more complicated. He wished though, that for her, he was closer to that impression.
He raised their laced fingers and pressed a kiss to her hand. ‘I highly esteem your opinion of me, Isabel, but I’m not what you believe me to be.’
‘Much as I hate to contradict you, I think you are.’ She gave his hand another little squeeze. ‘You’ve just forgotten.’
‘No.’ He gave her a small shake of the head. ‘But I thank you all the same,’ he murmured.
‘Does that mean that I’m forgiven?’
‘I knew there was a catch for recounting my many virtues.’ He chuckled softly. ‘You, Isabel, are a confounding woman.’
‘Don’t forget belligerent.’
‘That, too.’
They fell into a silence that was not altogether uncomfortable.
Will turned to face her. ‘In truth, you are the most remarkable woman I have ever met with a kind heart, ready to care for everyone and everything around you.’
She shrugged. ‘Now you’re putting me to blush.’
‘It’s true, every word. Now promise me that you won’t ever repeat yesterday’s recklessness.’
‘I give you my word, Will.’ She smiled tentatively. ‘It’s just that I’ve never had a living thing attach themselves so completely to me as Perdu has.’
‘I do know what that feels like,’ he nodded, recalling a long-ago memory. ‘I remember when I was a young lad, I had a little dog—the very best friend a boy could have—but I was forced to give him up when we moved to London. Like Perdu, we were always moving on.’
Isabel remained silent, encouraging him to continue.
‘I remember the heartache when I had to leave him behind. So, although your dog has not been with us for long, I do understand.’
The boy in him had found having to say farewell to his canine friend unbearable and painfully heart-wrenching. Will recalled his stepfather thrashing him for his display of unbecoming emotion, instilling in him the valuable lesson that he should always shroud his feelings—which he did with defiance, insouciance and later with a wry sense of humour.
‘It must have been exciting moving around, seeing the different parts of the kingdom?’
He shrugged. ‘We never settled anywhere that we could put down roots.’
‘But at least you were not separated.’
Again, Will was reminded of the gut-wrenching pain that Isabel must have felt doing her duty by her family when they had sent her to live with her betrothed.
Their experiences as children had been shaped by the harsh realities of the world.
He gave her a tender smile, hoping it conveyed his compassion. ‘True, that must have been extremely arduous when you were still so young.’
‘It was initially, but the ne
ed to survive surpassed every other consideration. And as you know, my life in St Jean de Cole with the Meuniers was not altogether bad. It was actually quite pleasant.’
‘Even so, it must have been difficult.’
She nodded. ‘When I thought about what I had lost, it was. But after time, I forgot about who I had been and turned my attention on who I was becoming—of course your arrival changed the course of all that.’ She looked a little wistful. ‘Yet, lately I have recalled more about my brothers.’
‘Good memories, I hope?’
‘Yes.’ Her eyes glazed over as though she was retrieving a small piece of her memory. ‘I realised that I missed them, Will...or rather, the boys they once were. I wish I knew the men that they became.’
‘I know it’s not the same, but your mother could possibly tell you about them.’
She nodded. ‘She could...she could fill in many of the missing gaps, I hope.’
Will sighed deeply. He, too, missed his family, friends and his old way of life. But sentiment and emotion were things he had tried to avoid, knowing they were a gateway to more misery and pain.
‘Unlike you, I was most eager to leave home and get away from my stepfather. And soon enough, I began squiring for Sir Percival.’
‘Did your stepfather not claim you as his son?’
‘He did, though he never accepted me because the man was not my natural father,’ Will said balefully.
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘So was I, especially since I only found out after he died.’
‘I thought you had always known.’
He shook his head. ‘It explained much. Why I didn’t look like my siblings. Why Matthew Geraint resented me and why a son of a stonemason was permitted to become a knight.’
Will felt the perpetual bitterness about his past rise up from his gut. And yet expunging it, sharing this with Isabel, eased and shifted something inside him, as if something that he’d been holding on to was finally released.
‘After Matthew Geraint died, following the siege at Portchester, my mother finally told me that my natural father was Guy, Lord de Manville, who had offered them money and helped Matthew become an apprentice, as long as he took on his bastard.’ His lips twisted in disgust. ‘When the time came, Lord de Manville assisted with obtaining a position for me as a squire.’
‘Oh, Will...’
‘Don’t you see, Isabel? My whole life had been a damned lie.’
They stood there, looking out at the horizon, his throat suddenly tight. How had they got to discussing such private matters? Matters that even his friend Hugh de Villiers didn’t know.
Isabel expelled a deep breath and turned to him. ‘No, I see a man who is trying to make sense of his past, but condemning himself and everyone he loves in the process.’
‘That is untrue.’
‘Is it?’ she asked gently. ‘It seems possible that your mother, your natural father and even the man who raised you tried to do right by you.’
‘Yes, but—’
She raised her hand before he could discount that untruth. ‘No one is without fault, Will. No one is infallible. Even you, with your resounding virtues.’
‘That I do know.’
‘But that is what makes us mortal, is it not? We all make mistakes—you, me and all those who are supposed to love, nurture and protect us.’
‘I appreciate what you are saying, but it’s not quite as simple as that. My mother should have told me.’
‘Yes, she should have, but have you ever considered...? Could it be possible that your mother may have made a promissory oath to your stepfather not to tell you about your natural father until after his death?’
Will was taken back by that statement. No, he had never considered that. Yet it was possible that Matthew’s pride would make him act in such a way.
‘Do you believe that your mother purposely wished to hurt you, Will? I can see from your face that she would not...so don’t allow this huge chasm to come between you. You don’t need to redeem yourself; you need to forgive her and absolve yourself from all this unwanted blame and guilt you carry with you.’
‘Isabel, I—’
‘You once said to me that you are the shell of the man you used to be,’ she continued. ‘The man I see is so much better than that. Your standing in the world is not defined by what you believe others may think of you, rather, how you define yourself. Don’t become something you’re not.’
Will stared at her, trying to absorb everything she had said. He gave himself a mental shake. ‘When—’ he swallowed ‘—when did you become so wise?’
‘I don’t know, but I sometimes surprise myself.’
‘Oh, you never fail to surprise me.’ It was his turn to give her hand a squeeze. ‘Thank you...’ he muttered, unable to say any more.
She flushed. ‘Glad to be of help. It’s the least I can do after the many times you have saved my life.’
Sometimes it took another person’s perspective to show a different way to view the world. Was it possible that Will had not fully appreciated the complicated arrangements that had been made to secure his future? He wished now that he hadn’t acted so impulsively when he last saw his mother and had instead asked more about his natural father. But sentiment and emotion had woven their way into his head, casting aside sense and reason.
It had been at a time when he had been raw with grief and guilt from his failure after Portchester and the death of a man who had reared him as a son, yet cared little for him. One thing compounded the other until Will had forsaken his old life and replaced everything he had once known with darkness, anger and bitterness.
He turned and caught Isabel’s worried gaze and smiled in gratitude, feeling as though something intangible had been lifted. His heart throbbed in his chest as her lips curved slowly, returning his smile. What also surprised him was the depth of his feelings for this woman standing beside him.
Isabel de Clancey was as kind as she was lovely. Indeed, the most remarkable woman he had ever known. A woman he cared about deeply.
* * *
They spent several more days at sea, before finally reaching the port of Southampton. Isabel stood out on deck, clasping Perdu as the vessel came to dock, her eyes fixed on her first view of England since she had been a child.
Home...
Try as she might, though, she could not muster any meaningful feeling regarding this significant moment in her life. In fact, she felt bereft and a little empty, but it was probably nothing more than a little trepidation. She would ostensibly find that flicker of emotion once she reached Castle de Clancey and saw her mother again.
Isabel felt a presence beside her and knew it would be Will. She smiled at him and felt the warmth of his response reflected in his eyes. Bewildered, she wondered how it was possible that every time he smiled at her in that way of his, she felt the same sensations. Her stomach would flip over itself and she would always feel the heat of his gaze, all the way down to her toes.
He turned his head to watch the same sweeping scenery as they arrived back home to England. It occurred to her that this was just as much a homecoming for Will as it was for her.
‘So, here we are, my lady.’
‘So here we are,’ she repeated in a voice that even to her own ears sounded flat.
‘And are you well?’
Isabel could feel the concern dripping from his words. She gave herself a mental shake. ‘Indeed, and you? It must be strange coming back for you as well.’
He raised a brow. ‘Yes, I suppose so. When I left England, I thought I would never see this kingdom again.’
She nodded. ‘Neither did I.’
‘And yet, here we are,’ he muttered again as he turned to face her. ‘Though this must be far more bewildering for you?’
‘I suppose it must be.’ She sighed. ‘I thought I’d fe
el anger, bitterness or sorrow, possibly even a little excitement about being back, but I feel...nothing.’
He threaded his fingers through hers and brought her hand up to his lips. ‘That’s more than understandable, Isabel, after everything that has happened.’
‘Do you truly believe so?’
‘Of course, my lady. You left England when you did not know much about your future, leaving everyone you loved behind. Coming back now must seem a little unreal. Does it?’
‘The truth is that I don’t know what to expect now that we’re back.’
‘And that makes you uneasy?’
She nodded. ‘It may sound nonsensical, but I somehow feel as though I’m walking into the unknown.’
He turned her hand round and soothed the palm with the pad of his thumb.
‘I know. I feel the same,’ he murmured, nodding. ‘In life, we often take paths that are plagued with uncertainty, that force us to make decisions blindfolded.’
Her brows furrowed. ‘A little like this journey.’
He chuckled softly. ‘Yes, exactly. This whole journey has been a voyage into the unknown, as you put it.’ He grazed her knuckles with his lips. ‘The same as when I was a soldier, on the eve of a battle.’
She lifted her head. ‘Do you miss it, being a soldier, that is—a knight of the realm?’
‘I’ve been on my own for so long, Isabel, that I don’t know any more,’ he said, gazing into the distance. ‘But I confess that I miss the sense of camaraderie—the friendship.’
‘And now that you’re back, you won’t need to be on your own any longer.’ She flushed, meeting his gaze.
‘I hope not.’ He shrugged. ‘Although, I, too, don’t know what to expect.’
‘That’s the problem with having an expectation. You hope that it doesn’t all turn to dust.’ She frowned. ‘Like you, I have been on my own all these years—oh, I know I was luckier than most being adopted by a family, but I could never be me. But now, I’m not sure that I can be the noblewoman I’m expected to be either.’
‘You don’t need to be what others expect of you. Be the noblewoman you want to be, Isabel. You’re incredible and your strength lies in your kind heart. Don’t ever change for anyone.’
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