She glanced at the next closest tree, but it seemed too far off to reach with one jump. Ruffian took aim and hurled the knife. Frozen with fear, Lila watched the blade arc toward her. His trajectory is off—it’s going to miss me, she told herself. She held her breath and prayed she was right.
She was. But the dagger hadn’t actually been aimed at her. Ruffian’s big knife was planted deep into the branch below her, and it was enough to snap that slim tree limb in half.
Lila felt the branch disappear from under her feet, and she tumbled down with it. She landed right in the arms of Ruffian the Blue. “I don’t like children,” the bounty hunter said.
“Not a surprise,” Lila returned. She reached up and yanked the hood down over Ruffian’s eyes. It was a slight distraction, but enough to allow the girl to slip down onto the ground and run off again.
“Aww,” Ruffian moaned. He took off after her at a heavy gallop.
Lila sped, panting, around a curve in the road. I can’t keep this up, she thought. Suddenly a pair of hands were upon her, one covering her mouth, preventing her from shrieking. The stranger who’d grabbed Lila hastily pulled her inside the dark, moist recess of a hollow tree. “Shh—I’m a good guy,” a female voice whispered in her ear.
Lila and the stranger both remained absolutely still as they listened to Ruffian pound around the curve and continue speeding down the road. Within seconds the bounty hunter was far past them, most likely wondering how Lila had managed to vanish.
The stranger took Lila by the hand and led her back out into the light. Lila got her first good look at the person who had saved her. The woman was probably around the same age as Liam. Her hair was pinned back, and she was wearing a ragged blue dress. She was grinning with the same kind of wild exuberance Lila had felt when she’d won the Cross-Duchy Science Fair.
“You looked like you needed help,” her rescuer said.
“Good call,” Lila said, still a bit wary of this enthusiastic stranger. “Thanks.”
“I’m Ella.”
“Lila. Nice to meet you.”
“I have been having the craziest couple of days,” Ella said. “Are you hungry?”
“Starving,” Lila said, and then quickly wondered whether it had been wise to answer honestly.
“Sit down, catch your breath,” Ella said. From a small sack, she produced hunks of bread and cheese that she handed over to Lila.
“Thank you.” Lila sniffed the food: No telltale almondlike odor to hint at poison. Of course, there were odorless poisons, too. But she was just so darn hungry. Lila nibbled a bit of the cheese. It tasted better than the fudgiest chocolate cake she’d ever had. She took another, much larger bite. Ella offered her a flask of water to wash it down.
“Wow, thanks again,” Lila said.
“No problem,” Ella said. “This food and the water, I got it as a reward of sorts, I guess. I came across this little, tiny guy—the size of my hand.”
“A gnome?” Lila asked.
“Uh, sure, maybe.”
“Pointy hat?”
Ella nodded.
“Gnome,” Lila confirmed with satisfaction. She ripped off a chunk of delicious crusty bread with her teeth.
Fig. 30 GNOME
“Okay, so yeah, a gnome,” Ella continued. “And he was being beaten up by these two purply looking things with big noses and sort of bat wings—”
“Imps,” Lila said.
Fig. 31 IMP
“I’ll take your word for it,” Ella said.
Lila smiled. “You don’t get out much, do you?”
“Not until recently, no,” Ella said. “But anyway, I could tell the little guy—the gnome—needed assistance, so I kicked those purple things into the river. The gnome gave me the meal as a thank-you.”
“Wow, so you took on a couple of imps without even knowing what they were,” Lila said, impressed. “Because imps are poisonous, you know.”
“I did not know that,” Ella said as a chill rushed through her. “But it will be good to keep in mind for the future. Do you want more bread?”
“Oh, no, thanks. I don’t want to take the last of your food. I’m good. Really.”
Lila and Ella eyed each other with a mix of curiosity and admiration.
“So what’s the deal with Scary Hood Man?” Ella asked. “Why is he chasing down a kid?”
“That’s Ruffian the Blue. The notorious bounty hunter,” Lila said. “He’s actually after my brother. I’m trying to get ahead of Ruffian to warn him.”
“That certainly sounds important,” Ella said. “But I’m on a pretty important mission myself. And believe it or not, I was going to ask if you would help me. I need someone to get word to … well, I don’t know—a king, an army? Just … help. There’s this witch who lives at a place called Mount Batwing. She kidnapped me, and I got away, but she also has the royal bards from five different kingdoms. She’s going to kill them all in front of an audience.”
“Wow, you were not exaggerating. That is big. And that must be where Tyrese the Tuneful is.” Lila brushed the dangly loose ringlet from her eyes as she pondered Ella’s request. Could she really say no to a plea for help like this? There was no question which choice Liam would make. “Well, I haven’t mentioned this yet, but my dad happens to be the king of Erinthia. Getting him to send an army after our bard shouldn’t be too difficult. Although I’ll definitely be grounded. I wonder if they’ve even noticed I’m gone yet.”
“Does that mean you’ll do it?” Ella asked hopefully. “I know you wouldn’t be able to catch up to that Blue guy, but you’d be saving five lives. Not to mention the only source of entertainment for thousands of otherwise very bored people. I’d go myself, but I’m trying to find the towers that the witch put the bards in. And also, I don’t really know where I am.”
“Did you say towers?” Lila asked excitedly. “When I was following Ruffian, we went by this strange tower a few miles back. It was all by itself in this little meadow. Nothing else around it.”
“Lila,” Ella said, putting her hands on the younger girl’s shoulders. “Can you take me to this tower?”
“Grab your cheese, and let’s go.”
14
PRINCE CHARMING FALLS FLAT
Woo-wee! That’s a biggie!” Duncan shouted.
Liam quickly clamped his hand over Duncan’s mouth and shushed him. They were barely a spear’s throw from Zaubera’s stronghold and its colossal, cloud-skimming tower.
“Sorry,” Duncan whispered. “But it’s really tall.”
The four princes found hiding spots among the rock outcroppings at the base of Mount Batwing, from which they could safely monitor the big stone fortress and the meadow in which it sat.
“Is that the tallest building in Sturmhagen? It has to be, right?” Duncan asked, still mesmerized.
“Technically, we’re not in Sturmhagen anymore,” Gustav said. “As soon as we crossed to this side of Mount Batwing, we were in the Orphaned Wastes. It’s a no-man’s-land, a dead zone. No kingdom will claim it.”
“Funny,” said Duncan. “I wouldn’t expect a place called the Orphaned Wastes to have such a lush lawn.”
“Are those bleachers?” Frederic asked as he spotted a semicircle of raised wooden benches that sat on the lawn facing the fortress.
“I wouldn’t have expected a witch’s hideout to have grandstand seating,” Duncan said.
“That certainly is odd,” Liam said. “I wonder what she’s up to.”
“Well, at least we know how to get inside,” Frederic added, pointing to the enormous double doors.
“You could drive a herd of elephants through those doors,” said Duncan. “Why do you think they’re so huge? For the giant?”
“No,” said Liam. “I’m pretty sure the witch makes him sleep outside.” He pointed off to the left of the fortress, where Reese was snoozing on the ground. Frederic gasped.
“That’s him!” Frederic squeaked.
“Yes, I figured,” said Liam.
“Keep it together, Duncan,” Liam cautioned. “Now, everybody listen. It’s time to put my plan into action. It’s all the better that the giant is asleep. That will make things much easier. I’m heading over to the fortress. You three distract the giant if he—”
But before he could finish, Gustav sprinted into the meadow with his sword drawn. “Wake up, giant!” he yelled. “We’ve come for the girl!”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Liam grumbled.
Reese opened his eyes and spotted the charging Gustav just in time to swat at him. His enormous palm smacked into Gustav and sent him flying over the bleachers. He landed in the trees with a crash.
“Oh, dear,” said Frederic. “He’s dead already.”
“No, look!” shouted Duncan, pointing. Gustav burst back out of the forest, roaring and running straight at the giant again. Reese scrambled to his feet and stared in astonishment at his attacker.
“Wait a minute, is this the same stupid little human who poked me in the foot a few weeks ago?” he bellowed.
“Yes, it is!” shouted Gustav. “And now I’ve come back to poke the rest of you!”
“He has to work on his battle talk,” Duncan whispered to Frederic.
The giant kicked his foot into Gustav’s chest and sent him careening backward yet again—but not before Gustav had jabbed his sword into an oversize big toe. Gustav sat on the grass, waiting for the giant to howl in pain. But it never happened.
Reese looked down at his pricked toe and wiggled it around. “Why did you stick me with a toothpick?” he asked.
Gustav turned toward the boulders that hid his companions and raged, “I told you these swords were too small!”
Reese was perplexed, wondering why his little attacker was yelling at a bunch of rocks. He became even more confused when he saw Gustav stare at his tiny sword, scream, “I hate you!” at it, and then start charging at him once again.
Liam knew he had to act fast. “Okay, I guess we need a plan B.”
“You never finished telling us plan A,” Frederic said nervously.
“You two go help Gustav,” Liam ordered. “I’m going inside to find Cinderella. Keep the giant busy until I get back out with her.”
Frederic and Duncan both opened their mouths to object, but Liam was gone before they could get a word out. When they heard a loud thump, they turned just in time to see Gustav land flat on his back for the third (or was it the fourth?) time.
“What should we do?” Frederic asked.
“Keep the giant busy, I suppose,” Duncan said.
“Absolutely,” Frederic agreed. “Gustav’s in trouble, and I can’t abandon one of my allies again.”
“That’s the spirit! Lead the way,” Duncan encouraged. After a few seconds, he added, “You’re not moving.”
“No, I’m not, am I?” Frederic whimpered. “I’m scared. I can’t do this. The giant will flatten me. And I don’t want to be flat. Don’t you understand? This is not what I was made for.”
“That’s okay. I do understand. Really,” Duncan said earnestly. “I’ll go do it. I am totally going to show these guys that they should keep me as their friend. Forget that last part, though—I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”
And with that, he marched out into the meadow.
Reese had Gustav by the legs and was pounding him down onto the grass as if he were beating a rug, when he heard Duncan call out, “Yoo-hoo! Giant! Over here!”
Reese looked over at Duncan, who stood there, hands on hips, trying to look imposing and threatening (which is to say, he looked kind of silly).
“Yes, that’s right, giant, down here,” Duncan said. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to put my friend down. You see, I’ve got a little sword, too. No, not little. I didn’t mean to say little—just sword. I’ve got a sword, too. Dwarven steel. I hear it’s good. So anyway, um, prepare for your doom!” Duncan drew his sword, and in doing so, managed to slice his belt in half. It fell to the ground and his tunic puffed out, flowing loose like a nightgown. “Oh, drat.”
The giant laughed. Gustav took advantage of his foe’s momentary distraction, biting down hard on Reese’s thumb. With a yip of pain, the giant dropped Gustav.
“Now!” Gustav shouted as he tumbled to the ground. “Get him now!”
“Get him how?” Duncan asked. He looked at the sword in his hand. Unsure of what he should do, he tossed his weapon at the giant. The sword flipped through the air a couple of times and landed softly on the grass only a few feet away.
“That was the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen,” said Gustav.
Duncan stepped forward to retrieve his sword, tripped over his belt, hit his head on a rock, and knocked himself out cold.
“I spoke too soon,” said Gustav. “That was the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Duncan!” Frederic hollered, rushing out into the open.
“Another one?” Reese griped.
“What are you doing out here, Tassels?” Gustav said. “Get back behind the rocks!”
The giant took one huge step toward Frederic, bending over in an attempt to scoop the prince up. Gustav tried to stop him. Jabbing Reese with his sword was useless, so he tried a long, hard, slicing blow along the arch of the giant’s foot. That Reese felt.
“Ow!” the giant hollered. “I have got to get some footwear!” He hopped onto one foot, stumbled, and fell, just as he’d done once before. This time, however, the giant did not topple into the nearby tower.
This time, he landed directly on top of Frederic.
15
PRINCE CHARMING SHOULD NOT BE LEFT UNSUPERVISED
Back in Sylvaria, Snow White was thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet.
Out in the vast yard of her woodland estate, she kicked off her bow-tipped shoes, loosened the laces on her bow-bedecked teal bodice, and let her bow-trimmed skirt billow around her as she fell backward into the thick, cushiony grass. Flat on her back, she stared up at clouds and tree branches and giggled with contentment. This was how she’d spent much of her childhood.
She smiled at a flock of geese passing overhead, then turned her head to look at a curious bunny that approached her and sniffed at her hair. No one yelled out a strange name for the rabbit.
“Hello, little one,” Snow whispered as the bunny’s long whiskers tickled her cheek. She took a deep breath and sighed.
Snow rolled over onto her belly and rested her chin in her hands to watch a bluebird land on the carved wooden bench that sat by her garden wall.
“Hello, Thursday Bird,” Snow greeted it. “Back again like clockwork.”
She hummed a tune as she plucked blades of grass and began to weave them together into a little square. Chances are that square would have eventually become a potholder (she’d made thousands of them), but we’ll never know for sure, because Snow White stopped when she suddenly realized something terrible.
“Thursday Bird?” she gulped, dropping her weaving project and hopping anxiously to her feet. “Wait—you can’t be Thursday Bird, can you? Because I just saw Sunday Bird splashing in the birdbath right after Duncan left.”
Fig. 32 BIRDS of the WEEK
But this was definitely Thursday Bird. She made sure by sticking her face startlingly close to the poor little thing—and getting an angry peck in return. Stepping back and rubbing her sore nose, Snow began to fret. Thursday Bird had never been off its schedule before.
She tried to think. How many sunsets had she watched since Duncan left? There was the first one, when she thought to herself how pleasant it was to watch the moon rise without accompanying flute music. And there was the one when she saw the flying kitten that might have really just been a bat. And the windy one. And the one where she remembered thinking that nothing happened, but that that was a good thing.
“Oh, dear
,” Snow exclaimed. “Duncan’s been gone for five days!”
She began to pace back and forth, clapping her hands together nervously. He was only going for a walk, she thought. Walks shouldn’t take five days. How could she not have realized that so much time had passed?
In truth, it wasn’t out of character for Snow White to be so absentminded. She was a simple girl who enjoyed simple pleasures. Most of her life had been spent happily alone, admiring shrubbery and chuckling at wildlife. Without Duncan’s manic energy stealing her focus, Snow easily slid back into that quiet, solitary state—and managed to lose track of her husband.
Now she was worried. While Snow loved Duncan, she had no more faith in his abilities than anyone else. She pictured all manner of strange and awful things that might have happened to him out there on his own. He might have climbed onto the roof of a house and not known how to get down. He might have tried to count the teeth in the mouth of a sleeping wolf. He could have passed out somewhere after trying to see if he could hold his breath and count to a million. With Duncan, the possibilities for calamity were endless.
Snow waved her fist angrily in the air. “Where are you, Monday Bird? Why didn’t you warn me when the first day had passed?”
Just then she heard approaching footsteps. Her heart leapt. She ran to the garden gate.
“Duncan!”
“No, it’s us,” said Frank the dwarf, as he, Flik, and Frak entered Snow White’s yard. Snow slumped miserably when she saw them.
“Thanks for the enthusiastic welcome,” Frank said.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude,” she said drearily. “You know I’m always happy to see you fellows. But I was really hoping you were Duncan. He’s been missing for five days.”
The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom Page 13