by Kelly Oram
Jace removes his arm from my chair and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Then what’s the real problem here, Hastings?”
I grind my teeth. “How about the fact that you—and everyone else—call me Hastings? I have a name, you know.”
Jace sits back up and frowns in confusion. “Yeah, I know. It’s Charlie.”
“It’s actually Charlotte. Newsflash: I’m a girl. Not that anybody knows that. At least, no one treats me that way.”
Jace rears back, blinking at me in disbelief. “You’re upset that we treat you like one of the guys?”
My anger seeps out of me, and I become embarrassed to be admitting my insecurity. I shrug and mumble, “I’m not a guy.”
Jace shakes his head like he still can’t believe we’re having this conversation. “We figured that’s what you’d want—for us to treat you like one of us. Like an equal.”
“Like an equal, yeah. But not like they can’t recognize the fact that I’m a girl. Eric told everyone I needed a date to the dance today, and they all laughed.”
Understanding flashes in Jace’s eyes. “That’s what this is about? The prom?”
“Not the prom, just the fact that no one can believe I’d want to go. They laughed at me. They couldn’t believe I’d ever put on a dress. They shuddered at the thought of having to be my date, because none of them see me as a girl. Not even my own friends. Eric, Kev, and Diego made all these plans for prom, and they didn’t even invite me to join them. My best friends. Not just as their dates, but at all. They weren’t even going to tell me. They just assumed I wouldn’t want to be a part of it.”
Jace takes a moment to process everything I just dumped on him, then very slowly, as if trying to clarify, asks, “So…you quit baseball so that people will start treating you like a girl?”
It sounds ridiculous when he says it. “No.” I sigh, because that’s not quite right. “I just want to feel normal. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.”
Jace’s brow furrows. “I always thought you were. You’re so confident, and you do what you want no matter what people say.”
I tip my head to the sky and blow out a puff of air. How to explain it? “I am comfortable with myself, and I’m also not. I like who I am, but at the same time, I’m always self-conscious, and I’m terrified of the future. What happens to me when we graduate? I have exactly three friends. Eric is headed for the MLB. Kev is going into the military, and Diego is headed out of state for school. Wherever I end up, I’ll be all alone, and because I won’t be playing baseball, I won’t have a team to support me anymore, either.
“I have no idea how to be a girl or how to interact with them. I haven’t had a mother since I was six, and I’ve never had a single friend that was a girl. I won’t know how to live with a roommate. I won’t know how to date guys or even act like a normal girl around them. Somehow I don’t think Eric, Kev, and Diego have taught me the right way to act with a guy if I want him to like me. I’ll scare off any guy dumb enough to ask me out.”
Jace gives me that crooked, amused almost-cocky smile again. “You’re worried about dating?”
I blush. I can’t believe I just admitted all that to him. And yet, the word vomit just keeps coming. “I’m worried about being normal. I don’t know how to relate to people unless it’s about baseball. I don’t know anything else. I only have a few weeks of school left to figure some things out before I’m on my own without a clue. If I spend those weeks so wrapped up in baseball and being that freak girl who thinks she can play collegiate level ball, I won’t get anywhere. We’ll play the state championship, and then it’s all over. I still won’t get to play college ball, and I won’t have a team anymore. I’ll have no one. I’m screwed. I quit because I don’t want to be just Hastings anymore. I need to learn how to be Charlotte.”
Jace narrows his gaze on me and sucks his top lip between his teeth. Then he turns toward me and throws his arm across the back of my chair again. “How come you can’t be both Hastings and Charlotte? You don’t have to quit the team to feel like a girl, or start making some friends that are girls, or start dating. Charlie, I know you. You’ll hate yourself if you quit now. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
His words hit with the punch he intended. He’s right. I will regret not finishing the season. I haven’t worked my whole life just to walk away two weeks before it’s over. I’d never forgive myself. Having no comeback, I swallow hard and turn my attention back to the game. Somehow, we’re already in the fourth inning.
Jace is quiet for a minute, and when he speaks again, his voice is contemplative. “What if I can help you? Will you finish out the season?”
I slide him a questioning glance. “Help me how?”
“I have four sisters. I know a few things about girls. One of those sisters is my twin, and she’s seriously awesome. I know she would love to show you the ropes of being a girl. She’d probably kill for the chance to make you over, and she’d be your friend—no questions asked. All I’d have to do is introduce you. But if you were brave enough to explain to her all the stuff you just told me, she’d bend over backwards to help you. I know she would. You’d have a friend for life.”
I’m speechless. Jace’s sister Leila is one of the most popular girls in school. I mean, she’s going with the quarterback to prom and everything. She’s also super girly. She always looks amazing. I’d be scared out of my mind to try and befriend her, but Jace wouldn’t throw me to the wolves. I gulp again. “Are you sure?” I sound like a total chicken. “She wouldn’t mind?”
Jace’s face softens as though he understands that I’m scared and totally gets it. “Positive,” he promises. “She’s the kindest person I know, and she loves everything about being a girl. She can help you. And I’ll keep her in check. I’ll be there with you and won’t let her get too crazy. I won’t let her turn you into Baseball Barbie or anything.”
My eyes widen. I hadn’t thought about that. That she could be too much of a girly-girl and turn me into some kind of scary Barbie clown. I must look terrified, because Jace laughs. “It’ll be okay, Hastings. I promise.”
I chew on my lips, and my knee starts bouncing.
“What do you say?” Jace asks.
I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees, and almost have the urge to put my head between them. Can I really do this? Will it really help? Do I have any other options? “Okay,” I whisper. “Okay, let’s do it.”
“You got it. I’ll talk to Leila tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
Jace’s deep brown eyes stay locked on mine. “And you’ll come back to the team?”
I sit back up and meet his steady gaze. “Yeah.” I nod. “I’ll stay. You’re right. I’d really regret quitting now.”
Jace gives me a soft smile. “I’d regret it, too. And not just because we’d crash and burn without you.”
My chest warms at the idea that he’d miss me if I left. I’ve never been close with Jace, and suddenly I wish I’d gotten to know him sooner. I sit back in my chair and finally relax. It’s not until I reach back to pull my ponytail free of the chair that I realize Jace’s arm is still behind me and that I’m full-on resting against it. Moving to avoid touching him would make things awkward, so I just go with it and stay put. It feels kind of nice, anyway, and the silence between us is comfortable. “You know? You’re a pretty good team captain.”
Jace slides me a smirk. “Nah. I’m just a sucker for female athletes.”
I suck in a breath, and my entire body clams up. What did he mean by that? Is he flirting with me again? When I finally have the guts to sneak a glance at him, he’s waiting for me to look. He smiles at me, then he winks and gives my shoulders a squeeze with the arm he’s draped around me. There’s no questioning it now. His arm is around me. Not just resting on the back of my seat.
He grins like he knows exactly how nervous I am and leaves his arm right where it is. My mouth dries up. It takes me a million years to relax, but
I eventually manage to slow my breathing and loosen my muscles. And when his fingertips start brushing my shoulder in slow, soft touches, a little part of me dies.
I turned off my phone during the game last night. If Dad needed me, he could send someone on staff to come get me. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone else. By the time I turn it on again the next morning, I have over twenty missed calls and texts from the guys. Most of them are from Eric. As I listen to them over a bowl of Grape-nuts in almond milk, wariness creeps over me. I’m going to have to face him; I just don’t know how to explain myself. What came out so easily to Jace feels impossible to say to Eric.
When I get to school, Eric is leaning against my locker waiting for me, and my wariness morphs into something else. I missed him. He and I haven’t had many fights over the years. I hate it. Everything feels off when we’re mad at each other. I don’t want to be mad at him, and after my talk with Jace last night, I realize I’m not. None of this is his fault. He’s never done a single thing to give me the impression he’d want a relationship with me. I came up with those feelings all on my own. This is my issue to work through. I can’t take it out on him.
When he sees me, he peels himself away from the bank of lockers and holds out his arms. I fall into them, close my eyes, suck in a deep breath, and let him envelop me in a hug. We don’t hug often, but every time we do, it leaves me breathless. “You ready to talk to me?” he asks, letting me go and stepping aside so that I can get into my locker.
I spin the lock and concentrate on the combination. I’m grateful for having something to keep me from looking at him, because the truth is I’m not ready to talk to him. Not about this. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to talk about it with him. But I’d crack under his gaze. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I was just having a really bad day, and I needed to step away from everyone for a few hours.”
“From everyone?”
I glance up, startled by the bitterness in his voice. He folds his arms and stares me down with an emotion I can’t name. “You sit right behind home plate, Charlie. You’re on camera with every single pitch. I saw you at the game with King.”
Jealousy? Betrayal? Confusion? All of the above? I can’t tell what he’s thinking, but I want to make it go away. He hasn’t smiled even once since I got here. I miss his smile. “He showed up at my place last night, and Dad invited him to the game. He did it so I couldn’t run from Jace because he knew Jace was there to talk me out of quitting the team.”
Eric jerks back, eyes wide. “Quitting? What do you mean? You quit?”
I shove my last book into my locker and slam it closed before frowning at Eric. “Didn’t they tell you?”
“Coach told us you weren’t feeling well. King pulled me, Diego, and Kev aside and said you were having a rough day and asked if we knew what was going on with you. But nobody said anything about you quitting.”
He looks half worried/half mad, like he doesn’t know what to do with this new information. “Don’t worry,” I say, shouldering my backpack. “Jace did his job. I’m not going to quit.”
That answer isn’t good enough for Eric. He folds his arms tightly across his chest and stands in front of me, feet shoulder width apart, like some kind of security guard. “What’s going on with you, Charlie?”
“Nothing.” He doesn’t relent. It’s a lie, and he knows it. I sigh. “Look, I’m just going through some stuff right now. I’ll figure it out.”
“What stuff?”
Yeah. Still don’t want to tell him. Avoidance, it is. “Just stuff. Look, I have to go talk to Coach Stanton before class, but I’ll see you at lunch, okay?”
Something flashes in Eric’s eyes. Hurt? More betrayal? I can’t deal with it right now. Cowardly? Yes. But it is what it is. “I gotta run. Bye!”
I practically sprint away from him. It’s the first time I’ve ever not been completely honest with him, and it doesn’t feel good.
. . . . .
My stomach is full of anxious butterflies as I walk into third period. I’m nervous to see Jace. Surprisingly, it’s not the same kind of apprehension I had seeing Eric. It’s the opposite. I had a nice time with Jace the night before, and something changed between us. I think…well, I think we’re friends now. Real friends. Not just teammates.
Jace is already in his seat when I arrive. His whole face lights up when he sees me, and those butterflies in my stomach explode into a frenzy. Strange. Usually that only happens when I’m around Eric. Only…it didn’t happen around Eric this morning. I’m not going to examine that too closely. “Hey!” Jace greets as I plop down into my chair.
I’ll never get tired of his beautiful smile. I didn’t realize he was so hot. With his golden hair, dark brown eyes, and easy smile, he’s a study in contrasts with Eric. Eric’s dark auburn hair, hazel eyes, light layer of stubble, and harsh features make him look like a bit of a menace, whereas Jace is all ease and friendliness. They couldn’t be more different. Both gorgeous, just in different ways.
“Hi.”
“Feel any better today?”
“A bit, yeah. Mostly thanks to you.”
Jace smiles again, pleasure oozing from his every pore. “I do what I can.”
I get out my notebook and a pen and then remember I wanted to tell Jace something. “Oh, hey—” I reach out and place my hand on his. We’re both a little surprised by the contact. I’m not a very physically affectionate person. I’m not prickly, but people would definitely call me standoffish.
Jace looks down at my hand covering his, and I pull back, embarrassed that I touched him without even thinking. Jace quickly snatches my hand back and holds it in his. His eyes meet mine, as if he’s daring me to pull away. “Yeah?”
My eyes stray back to our clasped hands, and my face heats up. Are we seriously holding hands right now? We are. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. My stomach erupts with more butterflies. “Um…” I gulp. What had I been trying to say? “Thanks for not telling the team I quit yesterday. I talked to Coach this morning, and he told me you kept it just between the two of you.”
Jace shrugs and starts brushing his thumb on the back of my hand. Goose bumps form on my arms. I meet his eyes again, and he must see my confusion and nervousness, because he gives me a soft smile that seems to say, Relax, Charlie. Everything’s okay. I’ve got you. “We were hoping we could convince you not to quit, and figured if we did, then you wouldn’t want everyone to know what happened. We would have told them if you didn’t get on the bus with us to go to today’s game.”
Some of my nerves ease up. That was really considerate of them both. And they were right. I’m really relieved that the team doesn’t know I almost quit. “Thank you.”
Jace gives my hand a squeeze and then lets it go. I’ll be able to think a lot more clearly now, but I’m kind of disappointed to lose the contact.
Jace takes out his own notebook and pen. “I hope you don’t mind,” he says, “but I talked to Leila this morning.”
Those butterflies in my stomach turn into lead weights. “You told her?”
Jace nods slowly. “I was going to wait for you, but she knew I went to the game with you last night, and she freaked out about it. She gets all weird about me and girls. I don’t date much. It makes her nuts. She’s been trying to pin me down with a girlfriend for years.”
The air is sucked out of my lungs. It takes everything I have in me not to react. His sister was excited that we went out? He doesn’t date much? Does that mean last night was a date? Did he consider it a date? Does his sister think we’re dating now? Does he? He was just holding my hand. Are we dating now? Ugh. I don’t know. Why am I so hopeless?
If Jace notices my internal freakout, he doesn’t say so. “Anyway, she grilled me for every detail. Sorry. I totally cracked under pressure.” He grimaces, but it’s sheepish.
“It’s okay.”
“I swear she’s going to join the CIA one day and interrogate terrorists or something. She’s that relent
less.”
I laugh. “It’s okay, Jace. We were going to ask for her help anyway, right?”
He looks relieved and gives me a smile and a nod. “She’s onboard. I said the words Charlie and makeover, and she lost it. She went crazy like one of those little yappy dogs that spazzes when the doorbell rings.”
I cringe, and Jace chuckles. “I’ll rein her in, I promise. But she’s really excited to meet you. Will you come with me after class and let me introduce you? I mean, she’ll find us anyway—even if we try to hide—but I figured I’d at least ask you before that happens.”
“Sounds more like you’re warning me.”
Jace bursts into laughter. “Yes. That. So much that.”
I’m not sure what I’ve gotten into here, but at least she sounds excited for this little project. And Jace gets this cute expression of affection on his face when he talks about her, so she must be really nice. Cheerleaders usually have a rep for being the school mean girls, but in our school, that’s not really the case. They’re all pretty cool, as far as I can tell. “And you won’t let her turn me into Baseball Barbie?”
He holds up a hand like he’s being sworn in on a witness stand. “Not unless you want her to.” When I wrinkle my nose, he shrugs. “You never know. You’ve never tried any of this stuff before. You might be surprised what you like and what you don’t. But we’ll figure it out.”
Maybe. “Let’s aim for something subtler than Barbie.”
Mr. Musgrove brings the class to order before Jace can respond, but he shoots me another smile, and this time I smile back.
After class, Jace and I head to the cafeteria together like we always do. We don’t even get halfway there before a very excited, overly happy voice shouts, “There you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!”
Leila opens her arms and steps forward, but instead of hugging her brother like I assumed, she tackles me in a death grip. “Charlie! I’ve watched all of Jace’s home games since freshman year, and I’m so excited to finally meet you. You’re just so talented, and confident, and cool. I totally look up to you. I’ve always wished we could be friends, but Jace never brought you home to hang out. I’m so glad you two are finally getting to know each other better. You’re so cute together, I can’t stand it.”