“You never said anything.” Though I had my suspicions.
“Listen to how that sounds.”
“I was trying to be a good mom and wife.”
“And you were, but there were times I thought you loved Cody more than me.”
I did a quick internal evaluation. Was that true? “I loved you differently, not unequally.”
“I’m beginning to see that now. I’m sorry you bore the brunt of parenting. I realize now, had I helped you more, you wouldn’t have had to give so much of your time to Cody. Not to say that you wouldn’t have, but it could have been something we shared instead of a source of contention.”
I sat back, stunned. “I would have liked that.”
“Me too. I wish for it more now than you’ll ever know.” I knew from talking to Gelaire that he was the primary caregiver and was probably going to have to hire a nanny while he worked. Perspective. It does something to you.
“Why didn’t you just talk to me?”
“I guess I didn’t know how to articulate what I needed.”
“Did Roxie give you what you were missing?” It was like asking him to shove the knife in farther, but I had to know.
He thought and thought some more. “For a while, but it wasn’t what I really needed or even wanted.”
“Was she the only one?” That question had nagged me, but I had been too afraid to ask.
“Do you really want to know?”
Direct blow to the heart. Don’t cry, I begged myself, but then I remembered I had to feel it. All of it. “I guess that’s my answer,” I cried. “How many?”
“Sam, let’s not do this.”
“I have to know. I can’t move on until I do.”
“What if I don’t want you to? What if we tried again? I’d go to counseling, whatever you want. We could have a baby.”
“Stop, Neil. Please stop. Tell me how many and when.”
“Two, besides Roxie,” he whispered, ashamed. “Halloween last year and the other while I was seeing Roxie.”
“Does she know?”
“She doesn’t care.”
“Anything else?”
“I knew I changed in your eyes, too. That I became the kind of husband I didn’t want to be. I didn’t know what to do about it. I obviously went about it in the wrong way. You deserved better. You may not believe it, but I’m sorry.”
“I don’t, but maybe I will someday.”
“I hope to prove it to you.”
“Just be a good dad to our son. To your daughter.”
“I’m determined to.”
“Goodnight.”
“Maybe I could call you for parenting advice?” he got in before I could hang up.
I almost laughed. “I don’t think so.”
“It was worth a shot.”
“Goodnight.” I hung up right away this time. I grabbed a pillow from Neil’s old side of the bed and grieved into it. Racking sobs. I don’t know if it helped or if I was any closer to getting over him, but I’d taken a step. The most important one, the next one.
~*~
Peter became my confidant and counselor. He was a trained professional, after all. We took long, cold walks during work when we could, even in the snow. He was the only person who knew about Reed. I wasn’t keeping it a secret anymore because I felt like I had to, but because Reed had disappeared. I had texted him on Thanksgiving in an effort to reach out. It was a simple, Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you’re enjoying your trip.
He was supposed to go home to Wisconsin to be with his family and serve dinner at the high school he used to teach at. They did a dinner there for kids with no family or place to go. He was a good man. Even if he was ignoring me. I knew he was alive because Cody mentioned talking to him in the hall last week at school—after Thanksgiving break.
I pulled my hood on and shoved my gloved hands in my coat pockets. Flurries flitted in the cold December air. “How’s Delanie? Is she recovered from her cold yet?” She had gotten sick on their trip to New York.
“She’s better. Thanks for the soup and dinners every night last week.”
“You’re welcome. I have no life.”
“Whatever, Sidelined Wife.”
“Such a fitting title for me.” I was thankful for my followers. They had gotten me through my sucktastic first holiday without my kid. I ended up running a contest of the best holiday breakup where we all voted for the winner.
The lucky—or unlucky—woman received a gift certificate to her local spa. The poor dear who won had been with her boyfriend for five years and she thought they were getting engaged. She found the ring of her dreams in his nightstand drawer. She told her mom and sisters and they frantically prepared with manicures and the perfect outfit. She and her boyfriend showed up at her parents’ place for Christmas dinner and, no kidding, when he was down on one knee asking for her hand in front of her entire family, the police raided the home and arrested him for counterfeiting. The ring was paid for with counterfeit bills.
She deserved more than a spa day, especially since she was interrogated for hours to rule her out as a suspect too, but that’s all I could afford for now. I did have some lucrative contracts lined up, though. I was about ready to sign a deal for a cookbook with a dash of my wisdom sprinkled throughout. Not sure how wise I was. I was trying, this time harder.
“I thought you liked the sidelines?” Peter laughed.
“I do.”
“Maybe you’ll find someone who likes them as much as you.”
I shrugged.
“You still haven’t heard from Reed?”
“No.” I kicked a rock on the path. “Maybe that’s good. I’ve taken your advice. I’m painting my room and making it my own, trying to stay busy, but not so busy I’m ignoring my feelings.” I found painting to be therapeutic. You could cry and paint at the same time.
“Are you still writing in your journal?”
Peter had suggested I get a journal since writing my blog had been helpful. He thought a private journal where I could write intimate details and pains I’d rather keep discreet would be beneficial. I think he was right. Anger subsided quicker once it was out on paper. It even let me feel the good times with Neil, which was harder than the worst times. Those pages had many tear stains, but in those moments, I could see peeks of light at the end of what seemed like a very dark and lonely tunnel.
Autumn Moone was right, I had to learn from the darkness. And oh, what a book she had written. A Black Night was her crowning achievement so far. The chemistry was amazing and ice-cube-down-my-shirt worthy. Laine and Hunter came together and it was magical. Unfortunately, I was right. They were torn apart at the end by Hunter’s mother, who, oddly, kind of reminded me of Ma. I didn’t guess that she would be the means, but I was furious with her. I mean, why did she have to bring up Laine’s past? There were hints of a child. Very intriguing. I couldn’t wait until the next book.
“I’ve filled several pages, brother. I’ll probably burn it someday.”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
I kept my focus on my feet and the gravel path. “Are Reed and me a bad idea?” I wasn’t even sure why I was asking. From all the signs, he wasn’t waiting.
“You care about him?”
“Very much. He probably doesn’t think so, but I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I was more myself around him than with any man I’d ever been with. Maybe I wasn’t as open as he would have liked me to be, but I was me. Or at least all of me I could be at the time. That should count for something, right?”
Peter’s breath played in the cold air. “I think so. And as weird as it is to think about you dating Reed, I think you deserve each other. He’s a good guy, despite what I consider his recent failings.”
My head popped up. “What are those?”
“He gave up way too quickly. You deserve better than that.”
“Thanks, little brother.” I nudged him. “I think if you hurry, you can still have lunch with your wife.”
/>
The red in his cheeks wasn’t from the cold. But no one needed to tell him twice. He sprinted to his truck.
Maybe someday I would have a man run home for me. And maybe next time I would be ready for it.
Chapter Forty-Six
I knew I would regret not going to the grocery store earlier, but life had been chaotic with Christmas shopping, signing contracts, attending to my blog, work, getting Cody through finals, the list could go on and on.
That’s why I was shopping the Saturday before Christmas along with everyone else in Chicagoland. It didn’t help that the weather forecasted ten inches of snow tomorrow. People were stocking up. They all knew ten inches could easily turn into twenty with lake effect snow. At least my Christmas shopping was done. I had done most of it online. I even had most of the presents wrapped.
It was our first Christmas as a family of two. We were starting our own traditions, like we planned to go to the movies Christmas Day instead of watching Neil’s favorite holiday movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, at home. Though we would still have Christmas Eve tea with Gelaire and, yes, Neil and his daughter, possibly baby mama too. We had to be parents to Cody, despite our feelings for each other, or should I say my feelings for Neil. Christmas Eve night we would eat dinner at my parents’ before heading to mass. My Christmas wish was that Ma would make amends with Peter and Delanie so we could all be together. I wasn’t holding my breath.
What I was doing was making my way through the maze of people in the store. I had to squeeze between two other shoppers to get to the oranges. I always made orange rolls for Christmas Eve dinner, and I needed the zest and juice from several oranges to make them just right.
While I was picking out the perfect citrus, I heard my name. The voice made my insides swish and my heart swell. My head popped up to see the man that belonged to the voice. He stood across from me near the apples.
This wasn’t our grocery store; I was back to using the closest one to me, but he looked as good here as he had in ours. He was wearing a stocking cap and a tentative smile. It went well with his stubble and bright blue eyes.
“Sam, how are you?”
I swallowed down my heart. I held up my bag of oranges for some reason. I always did stupid things around him. “Busy, but good.”
It was true. I wasn’t completely healed, but I was on the road to recovery. I was inching my way through the dark; sometimes I even felt like I moved a few feet. “How are you?” I remembered to ask.
His tentative smile showed signs of smoldering. “Better now.”
Another shopper was giving me the look and huffing like I needed to move on. She probably wanted oranges too.
I was torn. I wanted to stay right where I was and talk to Reed, but it wasn’t the time. And for all I knew, he had moved on. I hadn’t heard a peep from him in weeks. “I hope you have a Merry Christmas.” I placed the bag full of oranges in my cart and moved out of the way.
“You too.” He didn’t follow me or say another word.
I don’t know why I expected him to. Disappointment filled me, but there was nothing I could do about it in the middle of the crowded store. I would go home and vent to my journal, or maybe paint my bathroom. Home improvement projects were becoming my favorite form of therapy.
Ten minutes later, while deciding whether I should buy premade eggnog or make my own, all while trying to not think about Reed, my phone buzzed. I picked it up expecting a text from Cody to pick him up some type of snack he wanted—it was a regular occurrence.
It wasn’t Cody.
Go to the greeting card aisle. Look in the For Her section.
Suddenly all the organs in my body reacted. My heart raced, my stomach felt like someone was using it for a slip and slide. I was shaking even though I was warm in my turtleneck sweater and jeans. Despite my out of control body, I hustled over to the greeting cards, looking for Reed as I went. Was he still here?
I looked at each sign detailing the different types of cards until I spotted For Her. There were a few people perusing cards. A couple were giggling to themselves as they read, in my way. This was no laughing matter to me. I needed to find my card.
I left my cart to one side and pushed my way between the two women. “I’m so sorry, excuse me.”
I wasn’t really that sorry, not even when their faces scrunched in that wow, she’s rude sort of way. I was being totally rude, but if they knew what hung in the balance, they would surely understand. Not like I was taking the time to explain it to them. I was on a mission.
I scanned the cards. They had ones for birthdays, thinking of you, just because. Oh. There it was. A bright red envelope with my name on it in Reed’s chicken scratch. I took several shallow breaths before I snatched it.
As soon as I opened the envelope and pulled out the card, everyone around me melted away. All that existed for me were my thoughts and the card in my shaking hand. I hardly bothered with the front, it said something about meeting under the mistletoe. I took that as a good sign. I would love to meet Reed under the kiss-inducing plant. But right now, I needed to know if he had a message for me. When I opened the card my heart soared. His scribble filled the whole left side.
1. I’m sorry.
2. I was a fool.
3. Please forgive me.
4. You look more beautiful than ever.
5. I want to kiss you.
6. Right now.
7. I’m going to have to head to the frozen food aisle, thinking about how much I want to kiss you.
8. I love you.
9. I’m going to need you to give me this card back so I can pay for it.
10. Did I mention I am in the frozen food aisle?
My eyes were so blurry after the I love you, I could hardly read the rest. I chased my heart to the frozen food section, not caring that I left my cart in the card aisle.
I wasn’t exactly sure how I made it to the frozen food section or how many people I may have pushed out of the way, but before I knew it, I was there. He was there.
He was loitering with no cart, just waiting. Waiting for me. His grin said come kiss me. All right.
Holding his card, I met him halfway. Without thinking or caring who might see, I dropped the card, threw myself into his arms, and wrapped my arms around his neck. He leaned in and our lips collided. For a second he acted surprised and paused, but when I didn’t pull away, he parted my lips. Yep, we were French kissing in front of the frozen French fries. My tingly spine was back, and he tasted better than I remembered.
We pulled apart when we heard a child comment to his dad, “Ooh gross, they’re kissing.” The dad wasn’t too impressed with us either. “Grow up.” He scowled on his way by.
Maybe not my finest moment, but I didn’t care.
Reed ignored the grumpy man. He brushed my cheek with his hand. “You kissed me in public.”
“I did.”
“You know what that means?”
“I think we better talk to Cody.”
“We?”
“We.” I smiled.
“I like we.”
“Me too. But, Reed,” I took a deep breath, “I’m still broken. I don’t know where this will go.”
With his thumb, he caught the tear in the corner of my eye before it had a chance to fall. “Sam, I’m so sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“I asked you once if you wanted company on your journey. Somewhere along the way I forgot it was your journey. I got in a rush to make it to the finish line, so I ran when I should have been walking beside you. Showing you how a real man acts when he loves you. Instead, I acted like the boy I wanted you to forget.”
Tears ran down my cheeks. “You know, thinking back, I liked that boy . . . when he wasn’t booby trapping my room.”
The back of his hand glided down my cheek. “That boy liked you, but not as much as the man in front of you loves you.”
I swallowed hard. “I can’t say that back right now, but I’m working on it.” I had to be h
onest, even if it meant losing him.
“I don’t expect you to. I’m not expecting anything from you.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”
“He sounds sure to me, lady.” A gruff voice interrupted. “Do you think you could move out of the way?”
Reed and I turned toward the surly bald man who looked like he needed a cigar in his mouth and a gangster suit on.
“We’re sorry.” Reed pulled me to the side so the man could load up on fries.
The man gave us a half smile. “Mazel tov. Now go get a room or something.”
I laughed and grinned up at Reed. “Does ‘or something’ work for you?”
“I’ll take whatever you have to offer. But just know, someday I plan on signing that NDA.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
We were dashing through the snow, but in Reed’s jeep, not a one-horse open sleigh. The weatherman was partially right—we got a foot of snow, but a day later than predicted. It did add something to the Christmas Eve holiday, but it made driving downtown a pain. Thankfully, Reed’s jeep had four-wheel drive.
I turned back to talk to Cody, but took a moment to stare at him first. I thought back to a couple of days ago when I’d shown up at our house with Reed carrying in our groceries. Cody’s brown eyes went from happy to see his coach to confused as to why he was at our house and why he’d walked in through our garage door. I think some terror showed up when Reed asked to speak to him. Maybe he thought he was in trouble at school. They sat down on the living room couch together. I sat on the coffee table so we were all close. Cody looked between Reed and me, not sure what to make of it.
I started off. “I know this has been a rough year for us and a lot of things have changed. But not all change is a bad thing.” I smiled at Reed.
Reed took that as his cue. “Cody, I care about you and your mother.”
Cody tilted his head.
Reed reached for my hand.
Cody’s eyes bulged.
“I’d like your permission to date her.”
I held my breath, waiting to see what my son would say.
The Sidelined Wife (More Than a Wife Series Book 1) Page 27