He lost track of how long her mouth tortured him. He grew light-headed as she attended to him, licking, stroking, and exploring every inch of him. She paid special attention with her tongue to his nipples before delivering a feather-light kiss to his stomach. His muscles clenched in a mixture of tenderness and wrenching desire.
He’d never wanted or needed her more.
When her luscious lips slid down his shaft, his hands tangled in her hair. Dougray whispered her name over and over as she loved him with her mouth. She ran her tongue up and down his rampant erection, intermittently taking him deep into her mouth, sucking him. His eyes squeezed shut. He wouldn’t last long if he watched this delicious sight.
Soon the coiling tension became too much to bear and he pulled her up and rolled her under him. He wanted to be inside her when he came, something that had been denied him for many, many, years. Also, he wanted her to have the most intense orgasm of her life so he could feel her tighten around his cock. He wanted to banish Viscount Iain Grafton from her memory.
She was breathing as heavily as he was. Her breasts pressed into his chest, her nipples hard.
He rose above her, the muscles of his arms standing out as they supported his weight. He wanted a moment to soak in the vision of her. “I never thought you’d ever be in this bed with me like this. I will cherish being here with you, cherish this memory, until I die.”
A tear leaked from the corner of her eye. “Just love me. Banish the past for good.”
He needed no further encouragement. Pushing her thighs wide, he slowly entered her tight, wet sheath, never taking his eyes from hers. Only when he was seated deep within her body did he let his eyelids close. He held still, savoring this moment.
Finally his body urged him to move. He went slowly, willing his own needs away, wanting to drive Flora’s desire skyward. Their joining was heaven, and soon her response made his body throb with sensation. He could feel the rampant need rushing through her into him. His desperate longing caused his heart to ache. She would always be his and only his, no matter the past or what the future held.
The tenderness of their lovemaking gave way to a firestorm of need. In the throes of passion they moved as if one, drinking in each other’s cries, shuddering with each thrust, and soon he could feel the pinnacle approaching and … he couldn’t do it. He pulled from her body and spilled his seed on the sheets.
As the waves of intense pleasure lessened he realized they were clutching each other tightly. He rolled to his side taking Flora with him but she lay stiffly in his arms.
They lay like that for several minutes until their breathing slowed and the stars of ecstasy faded.
He heard Flora softly ask, “Will it always be like that?”
At first he thought she meant the wondrousness of the moment. The closeness, the pleasure, and the love that was evident in the act. But her next words gutted him like a fish.
“You have fears, well, I have fears too. Do you know what my biggest fear is? That I will never get to hold a babe in my arms. It’s likely that I never will, but I still have hope.” She turned her head to look at him and he saw a tear leak from her eye. “I won’t marry you if you take that small chance away. If you cannot make love to me as you would a wife, then I will walk away regardless of the fact I love you so much.”
Panic coursed his body until he could barely breath. “It was merely a reflex action. I’ve been doing that for years.”
She searched his face. “We have the rest of the night. When we make love again I expect you to treat me as if I was your wife, not a mistress you don’t want to have fall with child.”
She hugged him tight, but then she moved off to lie next to him. He lay staring up at the ceiling for a long while.
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
Chapter 7
At least Dougray was being honest with her. She rose and began to gather her clothes.
“I have given up a lot because of a decision you made about us, without me, many years ago. If you want me to become your wife we will make decisions together in future. My decision is that I want the chance to see if I can have a child of my own. If you cannot face your fear and allow me my dream then I will find a man who will.”
He sat up and she could barely think to dress herself with his glorious nakedness before her, especially after the wonderful moment they just shared. Never had she experienced such passion, such release, that is, until he’d pulled from her body as if she were one of his ‘women’.
“I thought you understood. I thought you knew that I can only marry you because you can not get with child. I don’t want to risk something happening to you?”
“You stupid man. All of life is a risk. Look at Iain. A bee felled him. A bee! We do not know what the future holds for any of us. I’m not God, you are not God.” She sank down onto the edge of the bed and began to pull on her stockings. “If I become your wife I want the chance to give you a son. To have your child and to do that I would risk everything and anything, even my life.”
“I won’t.”
She looked over her shoulder at him and his face was stark with terror.
“I look at Connor and I envy Connie. I envy a dead woman because she gave you him. I would have changed places with Connie gladly if it meant I created something so perfect. If it meant a part of me would be here after me.”
When he looked away she whispered, “You might want to live a safe little life but I want to embrace life and face the risks, because the joys we might receive are worth it. Can you honestly say you wish Connor had never been born?”
“That’s not fair.”
She nodded. “But life isn’t fair, we both know that. But Connor is such a wonderful young man. Please don’t deny me a chance to see if I can fulfill my dream.”
“You are asking a lot of me. If I lost you in childbirth… It would destroy me.”
“It will destroy me if I cannot try. We could have such a wonderful life together. It’s all or nothing, because I’d rather have nothing than a half life with you.”
“What if you still don’t get with child? Will that not devastate you? Perhaps I’m protecting you from that.”
“At least be truthful. You are protecting yourself.” She sighed. “If I don’t fall with child then I will accept that fate, and you will have to come to terms with not having an heir.” She put up her hand. “I understand you think you don’t care but you might change your mind as you age. That is the risk both of us take if we marry. That as you age you might resent the fact I’m barren.”
He learned forward and sought her hand and linked his fingers through hers. She tried not to look at the majesty of the man because she was on the brink of giving in and saying yes to his proposal with no stipulations of her own, but this was too important to them both. “You are asking me to risk my worst nightmare.”
She nodded. “I will be brave for both of us.”
When he said nothing more, she slipped her hand free and made her way to the door. Her bedchamber was down the hall. She opened the door and peered out. The corridor was empty. She looked back at the enormous, naked man in the bed across the room and her heart bled. He looked so small, so lost, but she would not back down. She knew what she wanted. She wanted it all, his love, and his child if she could. She at least wanted the chance to try. A wonderful, happy marriage with a bevy of children could be within both their grasps. She would fight for them this time, would he?
Would he love her enough to conquer his fears?
“You know where my room is. Prove to me our marriage will be all it can be and I will go before the King and agree to be your wife.” Then she slipped from the room, closing the door softly behind her, hoping love would overcome fear, because she loved Dougray, and she knew she’d never love another man as much.
Was he being a coward? He fell back amongst the sheets and wondered how he’d gone from feeling as though he could touch heaven to the knowledge he could lose her for good.
&
nbsp; Glengarry would offer for her in a heartbeat. Would she marry him just to see if she could bear a child?
Was he simply protecting himself and using saving Flora’s life as a means to preserve his sanity? He would lose his mind if he lost her in childbirth.
Before his father died, he’d said to Dougray, simply pick a woman and marry her. Forget about love. Then Dougray would not care if she died in childbirth. But he wasn’t as callous as his father. For three years after Connie’s death he’d not looked twice at a woman, too scared in case the same thing happened again. It took him years before he took his first lover and then he got very inventive.
Six years after Connie’s death, at four and twenty, he’d suddenly noticed that young Flora, a woman he’d known for years and who was his best friend’s little sister, had blossomed into a woman before his eyes. One day she simply smiled at him and he fell in love as fast as a snap of his fingers. So caught up in his desire for her, the dream of the life they could have, he forgot all about what a marriage would mean. Children. Birth. Death?
One night when their kisses got a bit too amorous, a memory he hadn’t had for many years flashed through his head. A picture, in vibrant red of his mother surrounded by blood—dead—along with her newborn son. It was that memory along with the details of Connie’s death that made him see he could not be so selfish.
So he’d made a choice. He’d walked away to save her life, and to protect his heart. If only he was sure she was barren, because God help him, God help her, he couldn’t walk away again. Not after she’d shared her body with him.
He craved a normal life and marriage with her. Only her.
He swung his legs over the end of the bed and found a robe.
There was no doubt in his mind that he could not, would not lose her again, and he would pray to God every night to keep her safe.
He slipped from his room and silently made his way to her.
When he entered she was standing at the window dressed in a silken robe looking down at the gardens below. She slowly turned toward him.
“You are right, I have been a coward.”
She said nothing.
He stepped closer. “I’m still scared. I’m a duke in control of many estates and tenants, but that doesn’t frighten me. I have responsibilities to my King and country, but that doesn’t frighten me. I have a large extended family to provide for, but that doesn’t frighten me.”
He pulled her into his arms.
“The only thing I am truly frightened of is losing you.”
Her face fell and she tried to push away but he held her tight. “You will lose me either way.”
“I realize that. God help me, I couldn’t bear seeing you married to another man ever again.”
He lowered himself to bended knee, holding his hands in hers.
“You’ve always been my dream. I want to be your husband. I want to be a father. And it’s all because of you, Flora. You make everything seem possible. Your courage… you make me possible. All I really want is for you to forgive me and let me love you as you deserve—as I desire.”
He placed his hand on her stomach. “You were the one to teach me the meaning of love. Love is selfless, caring, but it also takes courage. I was such a coward when I first met you.” He took a deep breath and calmness descended. “Will you marry me and live by my side and if God sees fit give me a son.”
A tear splashed his hand. “Yes. Oh, yes.”
And just like that his fear melted away. The feel of her hands in his and the love shining from her eyes made everything seem conceivable. He would have faith.
Without further words he scooped her into his arms and carried her to the bed. As he lowered them both to the sheets, and began to remove her attire, his heart sang with hope. This time he would take his time savoring the fact she was his to protect and love as God saw fit.
Epilogue
Monreith House, Scotland three years later
The fire in the grate of the drawing room in Monreith House burned bright as it neared midnight, making the room stifling hot, yet the ice in his gut would not melt. It had been over twenty hours since Flora began to give birth.
He had given up pacing the room hours ago, and now he simply sat staring out the window praying, even the whisky was forgotten.
Angus and Stuart had begged him to leave with them to the local tavern while Flora gave birth, but he could not leave her now. He wasn’t there for Connie and look how that ended. He had this foolish hope that if he stayed everything would be all right.
Earlier when he’d visited her in her bedchamber, Flora too had tried to get him to leave.
“Go with Angus. I will be perfectly fine. Doctor Mallard and the midwife are here, and so are Mary and Tessa. They won’t let anything happen to me.”
“I’m not leaving.”
Mary began pushing Dougray out of Flora’s birthing chamber. “You’ll only get in the way. I promise to come and get you when your son or daughter arrives.”
Tessa sighed and tried to lighten the gravity of the situation. “Men. They make such a fuss.”
Flora smiled then grimaced as a contraction gripped her. Finally she said to her friends, “Dougray has to push his fears aside and be strong for those who need him—myself included.” She spoke quietly to him. “I need you to be strong. I can’t have you falling to pieces now. So please, my love, go. I don’t want to have to worry about you too.”
“I am not falling to pieces, but Christ I feel very entitled to worry about my wife,” he growled. “I do love you.”
Flora laughed and Tessa said, “Society expects men to be impervious to pain, or emotion. Yet, they are only human. I’ve seen your brother on his knees beside my bed begging God to keep me, and the baby, safe. He’s cried in my arms wishing he could birth our babes himself.”
“Right at this moment I wish Dougray could,” Flora hissed through the pain of another contraction. “So, trust me when I say it’s time to leave. Go and be with Angus and Stuart. Drink whisky and think up names for our child.”
So he had done as he was told, but every hour he waited his nausea rose. The uselessness he felt at this moment unmanned him. He hated the lack of control over his destiny and the idea of leaving her safety to fate scared him witless. Fate had never been anything but a bastard to him.
“I don’t know how you two lived through your wives giving birth more than once.”
Stuart cleared his throat and sank into the chair opposite Dougray. “The birth is but a moment in time.” Stuart looked at Connor. The young man was sitting next to his father, his face also showing the strain of the wait. Connor loved Flora as if she were his mother. “Look at the joy Connor has brought to your life. Children are our destiny, our future, and they carry our hopes and dreams. Women instinctively know this. Why else would they go through the pain and danger more than once?”
“Aye, they are far the braver and stronger of the sexes,” Angus added on another gulp of whisky.
Dougray smiled at Connor. “I thank your mother every day in my prayers for giving you to me. She would be so proud of the man you’ve become.”
He beamed at his father and reached out and took his hand. “Flora is the strongest woman I know, father. She will be fine. She loves us too much to leave us.”
“From you mouth to God’s ears,” he replied. “I’d just started to believe that I was safe from the possibility of losing her in childbirth when she fell with child. Both of us had given up. After two years she had accepted she was barren and some of her happiness died. I just don’t want God to punish me because my first thought when she told me she was with child, was one of joy. It made her so happy. How could I deny her this? I selfishly rejoiced in the idea of a child too. To have a child with her… To give her what she wanted most is truly a gift from God after all this time. I keep thinking he will punish me for wanting this when it puts her at risk.”
Just then they heard footsteps coming down the corridor and the four men rose to
their feet. You could cut the tension in the air with a highland sword. The door opened and a tired Mary stood there with a huge grin on her face. “Flora wants to know if you’ll come and meet”-
Mary didn’t even get to finish her sentence before Dougray raced from the room his heart thundering in his ears. He took the stairs two at a time. Please let her be all right. He slowed when he got to the door of Flora’s bedchamber. It was quiet inside.
On one last silent prayer he lifted the latch and entered the room. Flora lay propped up on the pillows, her eyes closed but a huge smile was on her lips. She looked pale and exhaustion marred her beautiful face. He began to walk quietly to her bedside but she heard him because her eyelids flickered open.
“Aren’t they beautiful,” and she pointed behind him. He slowly turned and saw Tessa with a sleeping bundle in her arms, and beside her the midwife with another bundle. He did a double take.
“We have twins, my darling. A boy and a girl. No wonder I was the size of a barn. I had two of your babes inside me. The next time, I’m only having one, this was more painful and exhausting than I expected.”
He swung to look at her with his mouth open. “Two babes. I have two more children.” His eyes filled with tears of joy and gratitude. “And you are well?”
Doctor Mallard came forward. “Well done, Your Grace. Your wife is as healthy as one of your thoroughbred racehorses and she did a marvelous job. Being twins, the babes weren’t as big as I was expecting. The birthing went well.”
“I resent being compared to a horse,” his wife scolded. “But I did a marvelous job if I say so myself.”
Then Tessa approached and placed a squirming bundle in his arms. “Meet your bonny son.”
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