by René, Dani
“Get the fuck up,” I bite out as anger takes over the desire. “Why the fuck would you do that? Do you know I could’ve hurt you?”
“I… I know, I just needed it.” The innocence in her tone stills me. I’m losing my fucking mind, and I don’t know how to be with her. Tonight was perfect, but right now, I feel like the monster that I’m convinced I am.
“Go get cleaned up.” My order is clear. I can’t be near her, or I’ll lose my shit at her stupidity. No. She’s not stupid. I’m the fucking idiot who should’ve not lost all my fucking control.
“Logan, I’m sorry. But—”
“Vera, I care about you, please just go inside. Sleep in my bed, I’ll be up soon.” Even as I tell her that, I know it’s a lie because I’m raging inside. She nods and silently turns to make her way back to the house. Thankfully, it’s not far.
I watch her disappear before I lean against the tree and look up at the sky. Even though the leaves cover most of the stars, I can make out a few twinkling here and there.
My chest aches. My whole body fucking aches. I’ve never been so lost in pleasure before. I have never in my life been so rabid to have a woman.
I don’t know if she’s good for me, even if she craves what I give her. I lift my hand to my nose and inhale her. The scent of her arousal is still intoxicating as it coats my hand, and I close my eyes and grip my cock.
I just had an orgasm, but just the fragrance of her juices makes my dick throb. I slowly stroke myself, picturing her beautiful face as she finds her release. My fist tightens, pulsing around my shaft as I emulate her cunt. The heat of her pussy took me in, sucking me deep, and I imagine my cock feeling those slick walls.
It doesn’t take long, another two strokes, and I come hard, shooting my release onto the dark ground. My breathing is hard, short, and I have to focus to attempt at calming my heartbeat which is thudding painfully against my ribs.
“Fuck, Vera, what are you doing to me?” The question is lost in the darkness, and I shove myself back into my pants before I head to the house. When I reach the door, everything is silent, the lights upstairs are out, and Vera is nowhere to be seen.
I should go up to her, but I don’t. Instead, I go the kitchen and open the closet, which houses the cleaning materials. I find the bottle I’m searching for. Grabbing a glass, I pour a mouthful before swallowing it back quickly.
The burn of the bourbon is welcome. It’s been years since I opened this bottle, but tonight, I am sure I could finish it without hassle. I pour another shot and swallow it quickly.
Taking the bottle and my glass, I head out onto the porch and settle on the wooden bench that sits in the one corner. It’s not comfortable, but right now, it’s going to have to do. I can’t be in the same room as her.
I’m not even angry at her, I’m more rage-filled at myself. My feelings, emotions are taking over where Vera is concerned. It’s not been that long since we actually spoke face to face, but I know her better than she knows herself. I know her body as if it were my own.
Do I really want to bring her into my life?
I’m sure if I went up there right now, she’d forgive me for what happened. I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t, but with Vera, I realize that she sees past the volatile exterior to see the person I want to be.
And deep down, if I had to be brutally honest with myself, I want to be that man for her. I do want this to work. I want nothing more than to give her the house, the dog, and even a family.
I suppose a new day will come, and we’ll find out if we can move past my insecurities. The darkness engulfs me as I look out at the trees that are now black. The night has taken hold of the cabin and as I sip the bourbon that I had kept stashed away, I feel like I’m at war with myself.
I should never have allowed her to talk me into sex. Or even just trying to be intimate. The last time we did this, she passed out. Granted, it was only for a minute or so, but it was still something I can never forgive myself for. This time, the hunt and chase had been erotic. It sparked something inside me that I had hidden away in the darkest depths. I want her. All of her, and I didn’t think about the consequences.
I know I can’t leave Vera, but her being here will ensure she’s safe. If I had to take her into the city with me, she’d only be walking around with a target on her back. And that’s not something I’m prepared to let happen.
23
Vera
I’ve lost all sense of time and day since arriving at the cabin, but it’s been good. After Logan allowed me out of my bedroom, we’ve spent each day talking, getting to know each other on a personal level rather than sexually.
The sun hasn’t risen yet, but I’ve been awake for hours. Or what feels like hours. Logan isn’t in bed, and when I woke up, I reached for him, which is something I never expected myself to do.
I wonder if he’s still feeling guilty about what happened because he hasn’t really made a move to be intimate again. He shouldn’t, and I wish he’d listen to me when I tell him so. But the stubbornness so clear in his eyes whenever he looks at me will always be a problem.
The door opens. My heart catapults into my throat, and I take him in. He doesn’t say anything for a long while, so I move, pushing off the bed and padding over to where he’s standing rigid.
“Good morning?” I ask because I’m not sure if it’s good or not.
“I need to go away for a little while,” he tells me without responding to my question. “I’m going to trust that you’re not going to leave. My father found your apartment, and I doubt he’s going to give up because you weren’t there.”
“Where are you going?” I look up at him. His eyes are dark, almost black from whatever is bothering him.
“I need to meet him face-to-face because this can’t continue.” His voice is husky as he takes a step closer to me. “I need some space from you as well. To think.”
“What’s there to think about? Why would you go to him? Won’t he hurt you? He’s dangerous, Logan.” The words tumble free from my lips. The fear of what could happen to him if he ever came into contact with Herbert again sends cold dread through my veins.
“He can’t hurt me,” Logan tells me. He reaches up, cupping my face in one of his large hands. His touch turns the cold to warmth, and I no longer feel fear, but desire. His thumb swipes across my lips, and in the next second, he crashes his mouth to mine. His tongue sweeps against mine. We twist and tangle, tasting each other. The coffee flavor from him makes me smile against his mouth.
Finally, Logan pulls away. “I wanted to walk away, to send you away,” he admits, lacing his fingers through mine. “But I can’t do that.”
“Why?” I ask, looking up into the darkest eyes I’ve ever seen. He no longer seems guarded around me, which is good, but there’s still a hint of restraint that he’s holding onto.
“Because I’m a selfish bastard,” he tells me. A small smile tilting his lips upward. “And I can’t imagine you walking away from me.” He motions toward the door. “Freshen up, I’ll be in the kitchen.” He gives me one more kiss before he leaves, making his way down the stairs. “Come down when you’re done.”
Once he’s disappeared, I head to the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I use the toilet before I step in front of the basin. It’s small, a one-person sink, where I open the tap and splash my face with the icy water.
My reflection is blurry for a moment. Grabbing a towel, I dry my face and take a long look at myself. My eyes are bright, shining with . . . I don’t know . . . happiness? He said he can’t let me go, which means last night’s events haven’t pushed him over the edge, but I need to know why he’s trusting me alone in the cabin. Completely alone.
I freshen up, using my toothbrush and toothpaste before I head out of the bathroom and toward the steps. The clanking of dishes comes from the kitchen, and I wonder if he’s making breakfast.
Tentatively, I take a few steps and come face-to-face with Logan. He’s not wearing a shirt. The taut mu
scles of his torso tense when I finally reach the bottom and make my way toward him.
He sets a plate in front of me piled high with pancakes, as well as a mug of coffee. He doesn’t say a word but turns away to finish whatever he’s busy with at the stove. I pick up the fork he set out and cut into the soft, fluffy goodness. The moment I bite into the pancake, my taste buds burst with the sugary syrup that’s been trickled over the stack.
“This is good,” I tell him through a mouthful of my breakfast.
“I don’t normally cook as you know by now,” he responds before spinning on his heel, and setting another bowl down, which I notice is filled with scrambled eggs. “We don’t have anything else in the house, but I’ll make a store run before I leave.”
“Why do you have to go?” I ask again, looking up at him.
He leans back against the counter, his dark eyes piercing me. I watch as he folds his arms across his chest, making his muscles bulge. He’s huge. He could easily pick me up with one arm.
“I need to see him. To finish this.”
“What if—?”
“Nothing is going to happen to me,” he assures me, but I don’t believe him. I know his father; the man is a monster. Logan may believe he’s a bad man, that he’s not worthy of happiness, but I’ve known Herbert all my life. The man is nothing short of the fucking devil.
“I’m not saying it will.” I stop eating, setting the fork down. “I’m scared, Logan.”
He nods solemnly, and I know what he’s about to say. “You should be.”
“Not of you. You’re nothing like him,” I affirm what I’ve been thinking all night and morning. “You’re a good man.” He chuckles at me, but I shake my head, pushing off the chair and making my way to where he’s standing. “You’re nothing like him. I want this,” I tell him. “I want you.”
I place my hands on his folded arms, the touch tender, but his body goes rigid as if I’m about to strike him. The heat between us is palpable. His gaze burns through me, reminding me of last night, of what we did.
“I want you to do it again.”
“That was a mistake. Last night’s events will never happen again. As much as I want you,” he tells me, his voice turning dark. “I can’t have you.”
“But you just—”
“Us, together, it’s dangerous. I’m a danger to you, Vera, and I can’t hurt you. Did you not see what happened? I fucking hurt you!” The boom of his voice bounces off the walls. I half expect the windows to shatter, but they don’t.
“It was the first time we tried it, that you tried doing that. I’m okay.” I smile, but I know it’s no use. He’s never going to believe me.
Logan unfolds his arms. His fingertips tentatively stroke the column of my neck, and he whispers, “You’re bruised. I’ve marked you, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Do you want me to hate you?” I ask, causing the movement of his fingers to stall. His gaze flits to mine, locking on me for a long while. “Do you?” I want him to say no, to tell me that it will all be okay, but I have a feeling he won’t.
“I want you to run away, to escape the darkness that I live with. You deserve better. You should have a family, a beautiful home, a man who loves you. Not someone who can hurt you.”
The crack in his voice is the only evidence that he’s hurting. The expression on his face is stoic, and I wonder if he’s spent the morning practicing what he’s going to tell me. Perhaps the way he schools his features is his way of showing the pain that’s so clearly bothering him.
“No.”
“Vera,” he murmurs my name. “I’m not the man who can give you the life you deserve.”
My chest aches, tightening painfully as his confession engulfs me. “You don’t have a say in what I want or need,” I tell him.
“You can’t fix me!” He shoves me backward, stalking by me. I watch him grab his keys and wallet before tugging the door open. “Don’t leave this cabin, or I will find you and bind you to the fucking bed.” The door slams closed, causing me to jump in shock at the anger so clearly emanating from Logan.
Once I’m alone, I sit on the chair, shock still coursing through my veins. The roar of the truck dissipates the farther away he gets, and soon, all I’m left with is silence.
24
Logan
I’ve fucking lost it.
I should never have lost my cool, but Vera does something to me that scares the shit out of me. She makes me feel things I have no right feeling. Emotions I buried a long time ago come to the surface when she touches me, when she looks at me like I’m her hero. I’m far from it.
If she can only admit that I’m bad for her, then she can move on. I know now that no matter what I do, she’s always going to see me as a savior. I can’t be that. I’m not some prince coming to save the princess, I’m nothing like those damn fairytale heroes.
I’ve spent my life trying to get over the fact that I will never have a family. I can’t spend my life with a woman when all I want is to watch her sleep, to use her limp, lifeless body for my pleasure. How can I ever give Vera that and ask her to accept it?
When I pull into the lot of the diner, I contemplate going inside. I want to sit down, have a beer, but I know nothing will calm me down now. I need to consider what I’m going to do. Letting her go is the one option I’m convinced about, but then again, she wants this.
Can I be selfish and keep her for myself?
No. This is the one time in my life where I need to think about someone other than myself. She doesn’t need my father or me. She should have a normal life. The moment I think it, I recall where we met—online. The website in question was designed for predators to find their prey. And I know she’s only going to go back there to seek what she needs.
I can understand that because I crave it too. It’s not an emotion you can tamp down. It’s so much more. It’s visceral. Sighing, I lean my head back against the seat and look up at the roof of the vehicle. I focus on nothing in particular but the thought of keeping her.
I sit in the truck for a long while, watching couples from town walk in for the lunch rush. There are a few singles who follow the path toward the entrance, but I don’t join them. Instead, I’m lost in thought about that night.
“Shit, Vera,” I call to her. Her body is limp, but her heart is thrumming. She’s warm. Her lashes slowly flutter as if she’s fighting the fatigue. When she finally looks at me, I breathe a sigh of relief. “I fucked up. I’m so sorry.”
It feels like I’ve apologized to her more times than I can count in the past few days. I should never have put my hands on her, but she felt so good, so . . . normal. My body reacted to her. It’s never done that while I’ve been with anyone else.
She curls her body into mine as if she’s afraid I’m going to leave. Her delicate fingers twist in the material of my shirt, and I allow her to hold me. I can’t find it in myself to touch her, not again.
I’ve only ever hurt those I love. All my life, I’ve taken beauty and marred it with my darkness, with the desires I can’t control. At first, I denied it. I thought it was all a joke, but the more I craved it, the more I realized I truly am a monster disguised as a man.
Vera coughs, and my body goes rigid. “Don’t leave me,” she pleads into the material of my shirt, tugging me impossibly closer. I can’t move. Instead, I lie still, waiting for her to release me once her breathing evens out. But even when she finally falls asleep, she doesn’t let go.
Her hold on me is tighter than expected. And my heart thuds against my ribs. The muscle I long since forgot about is awake and wanting to leap into her small hands. It’s been so long since I’ve given myself to another person having Vera inadvertently need me is strange.
Silence greets me in the dark. Vera’s soft breaths warm me, and I close my eyes for a moment to revel in her nearness. I know she’s not mine to keep. After tonight, I know I can’t trust myself around her, so for now, I allow myself to enjoy her body curled against mine.
Briefly, I consider the idea of her healing my brokenness. Or just fitting her shattered pieces alongside mine. But I can’t risk hurting her again. As much as I crave her, as much as I want to own her, seeing her eyes close and her body turn lifeless makes my mind race with reasons I should let her go.
I’m so fucked up.
I’m cursed, and there’s nothing that can change that.
Even though Vera wants to try, I don’t think I could ever bring myself to allow her near me in that way again. Time passes, but I don’t go home. I can’t. The ghost of her touch still burns my skin.
My phone buzzes wildly on the seat beside me. Picking it up, I notice Dax’s name glaring at me from the lit-up screen. I swipe my finger to answer and press the device to my ear.
“What’s up, man?”
“He knows where you are. We’ve tracked him down to a forest. It’s—”
I don’t listen to the rest of his explanation as I twist the key to start the engine. I’m tearing through the streets, trying to get back to the cabin. My heart is thumping like a drumbeat against my ribs, causing my chest to tighten as fear twists in my gut.
My phone buzzes again, but I ignore it. My focus is on getting to Vera. If she’s in danger . . . No, scrap that. I know she’s in fucking danger because my father wouldn’t just walk away and allow her to live her life. She ran from him, and I know he’s going to do something to her. Something far worse than I could imagine.
25
Vera
The cabin is so silent I can’t focus on anything other than my senses pricking, trying to hear if I can make out a rumble of an engine coming this way. But I have a feeling Logan won’t be back for a while. When he walked out, I knew I’d taken it a step too far.
Instead of pushing him, I should’ve waited. I saw the guilt in his expression. Last night was something else. Poignant. My body reacted to my orgasm so powerfully I lost consciousness, and with the tightening of his hand on my throat, I let go. I felt safe for the first time in years. I wish he understood that.