by K T Bowes
“Go away.” Hana sounded tired and accompanied her request with a yawn.
“I need to talk to Logan.” Caroline gritted her teeth and avoided the nurse’s outstretched hand with a violent jerk of her body. “Why isn’t he here?” Her blue eyes flashed with danger and again Hana saw her fingers flutter across her stomach.
Hana closed her eyes and swallowed. She knew why the woman wanted to see Logan and it turned her guts inside out. Nausea of a different kind rose into her chest and at the sight of her bleached colour the nurse intervened. “Out!” she demanded. “Sheila, get off her. Someone fetch Angus.”
“I’m pregnant!” Caroline hissed, bending to achieve the full force of her news. “Logan should know he’s a father.” Her lips curled back into an ugly snarl and Boris inhaled. His red hair stood up on his head like a flame as his lower lip trembled. Hana pulled her gaze away from his shocked expression. She put shaking fingers up to the bridge of her nose and squeezed, willing away the pounding headache.
“Oh, crap!” Sheila let go of Caroline’s sweater and clapped her hands over her mouth. “Hana, I’m so sorry.”
Hana concentrated on her breathing and fought the nothingness as it offered to bring relief.
“How pregnant are you?” Sheila demanded and Caroline pouted.
“Three months.” She stuck her nose in the air and her lips straightened to give her a hard look. “Logan needs to know.”
Sheila counted on her fingers. “So you slept with Logan after you came here?”
Caroline tossed her head. “Keep your eyes on your own marriage,” she snapped. “If you minded your own business a little more, your husband might keep his wandering hands to himself.”
Boris gasped and Hana pulled her fingers away from her face. Contrary to expectations, Sheila laughed. The action shook her body and brought tears to her eyes. “You’re so out of touch, Caroline,” she snorted. “That’s old news sweetheart.” All mirth disappeared from her eyes and she took a step closer. “Pregnant or not, if you don’t leave my friend alone I’ll knock you into next week. Now get out!”
Boris moved between the women and took Caroline’s arm. “Come,” he said, pulling her after him. Hana kept her sob inside, wishing with all her heart Caroline lay at the bottom of the gully with Logan’s phone. The door closed behind them and Hana heard more raised voices outside. Sheila reappeared with Hana’s handbag. “Let me drive you home?” she offered, her face sad. “If it’s any consolation, I know how you’re feeling.” She rolled her eyes. “Not the pregnant bit, but the rest of it.” Her hand patted Hana’s shin. “You need to speak to Logan.”
Hana nodded and swung her legs over the side of the bed. The nurse returned and halted the proceedings. “Sheila Jennings, I’m in charge here!” She bristled and stood in front of Hana. “I need to keep her here for at least another twenty minutes. Then I’ll let you take her.”
Sheila fluffed up like a chicken and then conceded, directing her answer to Hana. “Okay. Sit here for a while and then I’ll drive you home.” She backed from the room as though fearful the nurse might slap her legs.
Hana reached for her water and knocked it over. The nurse gave her a sympathetic look and fetched paper towels. “Did you expect that news?” she asked in a soft tone and Hana clammed up. Her rigid body answered for her. “Sit for a while,” she told her and Hana nodded.
The woman’s heels clicked along the corridor and Hana seized her moment. Snatching up her handbag and checking for her car keys, she bolted. Wobbly legs carried her as far as the chapel car park and she sank into Bodie’s car with her heart thudding in her chest. Shock sent adrenaline through her veins and the light-headedness returned. Hana drove without thinking, finding herself on Amy’s tree-lined road. The urge to cuddle a small, tousle-haired boy with a generous spirit lit a fire in her heart. Hana wanted to breathe in the scent of washing powder, baby shampoo and feel his butterfly kisses on her cheek.
“Hi, Hana,” Amy said, answering the door with a wooden spoon in her hand. Red sauce flicked onto the doorframe and she grimaced. “Oops, watch your jacket.” Her expression grew serious as Hana imploded. Her body shook and her breathing came in wracking great sobs.
Hana told her about Caroline, alternately swearing and crying as she writhed at the kitchen table. Amy stirred tomato soup on the stove and her jaw dropped open. “Get off the grass!” she breathed. “Does Logan know?”
“I don’t know.” Hana hiccoughed. “The longer I know Logan, the less I understand.”
Amy snorted. “He sounds like God.” She plonked a saucepan on the table and three bowls and turned the conversation to cold, hard facts. Between them, they worked out the dates of possible conception and Hana’s heart sank.
“If Logan fathered Caroline’s baby then he cheated on me.” Her voice wavered and Amy patted her shoulder. When Hana’s phone rang, Amy answered it, speaking for a moment before disconnecting.
“Sheila Jennings checking you’re okay,” she said, returning it to Hana’s bag. “I told her you’re with me.”
“Thanks.” Hana sighed at the speed with which Caroline’s news would circulate the staffroom as juicy gossip.
“Jas!” Amy yelled down the hallway. “Dinner!” She turned back to Hana. “Hey, remember this Hana. Innocent until proven guilty.”
“Hanny!” Jas appeared in the doorway with his dark curls pressed down on one side. “I didn’t know you was here. I been sleeping.” He yawned and switched the male doll in his hand to the other one so he could suck his thumb.
“Hey, baby. I need a cuddle.” She held her arms out to him and the child clambered into her lap. He snuggled close and closed his eyes. Hana drank in his nearness, drawing strength from their blood tie. She thought of an elderly church friend who said grandchildren felt like her own, but loaned to sons and daughters on a temporary basis. Elizabeth’s birth helped her understand the sentiment.
Hana squeezed Jas and he sighed and burrowed deeper into her jacket. “Luff you Hanny,” he whispered. Then he disturbed the peace with a gargantuan fart. He snorted and looked up at her with amused brown eyes, only partly apologetic. Turning aside, Hana fought the laugh bubbling in her chest as Amy told him off.
“Go to the toilet,” she demanded, frowning as the boy slipped off Hana’s knee and clutched his bottom at the emergence of another one. “And apologise to Hanny for farting in her lap!”
Hana’s body rocked with mirth and Amy ignored her as Jas replied from the bathroom. “She liked it. I warmed her legs.”
“I swear that boy gets worse!” Amy grumbled. “I thought having his father around might improve things.”
“Oh.” Hana swallowed, doubt filling her mind. “Is it not working out?”
Amy opened her mouth to speak, closing it again as Jas returned. He walked with a cocky stride and winked at Hana, a gesture involving the whole of his face.
“I should leave and let you eat.” She stood and Amy whipped around to rebuke her.
“No! Stay and get some food in you. Skinny doesn’t suit you.” She dumped a full bowl in front of her and narrowed her eyes. “Why are you so thin all of a sudden?”
“Stress.” Hana picked up her spoon and dipped it into the soup. Her phone buzzed in her handbag and revived the thought of facing Logan. She exhaled and Jas popped off his chair.
“I’ll get it,” he announced and Amy stopped him.
“Hanny doesn’t want it,” she said and nudged him back onto his cushion.
Isolation crowded in on Hana and her appetite fled. She made a valiant attempt at eating the meal and Jas took over where she failed. “I should go,” she said, sounding sad. “Thank you for the reprieve.”
“Whatever happens you’ll get through it.” Amy smiled with sadness behind the expression. “We just do.”
Hana helped clear up and left, hugging Amy on the doorstep. “Please tell Bo I’m ready to swap cars,” she said. “These idiots following me are the least
of my problems right now.”
“If you’re sure,” Amy said. “Bodie said nobody followed him the last three times. Maybe they gave up.”
Hana turned away and then paused. “Please don’t repeat what I told you to Bodie? He’s already looking for reasons to hate Logan.”
“Yep.” Amy didn’t sound surprised. “I hear ya.” She shepherded her fractious son indoors after waving Hana off into the dusk and the promise of a traffic jam home.
Logan greeted Hana with a smile as she walked through the front door. He knelt beside a roaring fire, prodding the flames with a poker. “It’s cold outside, isn’t it?” he said, sitting back and admiring the blaze. His brows narrowed. “Please can I borrow Bodie’s car?”
“Why?” Hana’s body stiffened. “Where are you going?”
“I need to see someone.” Logan stood. “I made dinner and left it in the oven. Get a nice bath and I’ll be home before you know it.”
Hana’s jaw tightened. “I already ate and I don’t want a bath.” She rubbed a tired hand across her eyes. “Are you seeing Caroline?”
“What?” Logan’s eyes widened and his nose crinkled. “Hell no!”
Hana gave an upward jerk of her head. “You expect me to trust you and yet you won’t tell me who you keep meeting.”
“It’s not important.” Logan advanced, concern etched into his face. “What’s wrong?”
Hana sat on the sofa in response to the tremor beginning in her legs. She put her feet on the seat to prevent Logan sitting next to her. “Talk to me.” He squatted in front of her. Hana noticed marks on the cast where he’d tried to remove it himself and failed.
“I don’t know what to say.” She sighed through pursed lips and her hands writhed in her lap. Logan put a steadying hand over them.
“Start at the beginning.” His voice sounded soft. “Why are you talking about Caroline? She left remember.”
“But she didn’t.” Hana swallowed. “She came to work today looking for you. She’s three months pregnant and telling everyone you’re the father.”
Logan’s jaw clenched shut and Hana watched the bone work through his cheek. “And what do you believe?” he asked, a whisper against the crackling fire. He closed his eyes and did the maths in a split second. “You think I cheated on you?”
Hana exhaled and watched the movement of his face. A vein in his neck ticked a warning but his grey eyes remained calm. She felt her resolve crumble. “I don’t know, Logan. We can’t catch a break, can we? It’s one thing after another.” Hana shrugged and her voice wavered. “It doesn’t matter. Everyone else believes it.”
Logan exhaled and shook his head. “Bloody hell!” He sounded more annoyed than upset. Hana felt the air shift around her as he rose to his feet, not touching her. His eyes became the colour of storm water, dark grey pits of swirling emotion. Hana faltered and floundered under his gaze.
She swallowed. “She looked desperate to pin it on you. Maybe too desperate.”
Logan raised his eyebrows and backed away. Hana struggled to read the blank expression on his face as the portcullis crashed down over whatever he felt. “What do you believe?”
Hana licked her lips and waited a beat to formulate her answer. “She hijacked me and I felt shocked and devastated.” She raised her eyes and fluttered dark eyelashes. “Now I’m here with you, I believe she might be lying.”
“Might be?” Logan ground his teeth. He jerked his head sideways as though not caring either way. Then he left the room, jangled the car keys and exited the house.
As Hana reached the porch, the vehicle’s rear lights already bounced down the driveway taking her husband with it. Her hands crashed to her sides in frustration. “Thanks for that, Logan,” she shouted into the darkness. “I backed you and you ran. As usual.” She stood on the cold porch in her stockinged feet and leaned her head on her arms. The wooden balustrade felt slippery with frost. The soup roiled in her stomach and sickness returned.
An early night didn’t help and Hana watched the portable television, registering nothing on the screen. When her phone rang, she checked the number before answering.
“How did it go?” Amy demanded. “What did he say?”
“He said nothing. Then he left.”
“He left?” Amy’s voice rose an octave. “Forever or just to think?”
“I don’t know.” Hana sighed. “He took nothing with him, so maybe just to think.” Her heart felt like lead in her chest and she ended the call before Amy could speculate about where he went. She fell into a fitful sleep with the television playing in the background. Her nightmares included Caroline.
Hana woke as Logan crawled into bed. He smelled of night air and brought a cold breeze into the bed with him. She turned to look at him and Logan cuddled into her back. “No!” Hana snapped, pushing his hands away. “You left me alone when I needed you. Don’t touch me. You’re a coward!”
“Hana, stop!” Logan captured her flailing hands and sighed toothpaste over her face. Infuriated, she kneed him in the groin. He grunted in pain and smothered her body with his, holding her arms above her head. The light from the television flickered in his eyes and he paused long enough for Hana to see the pain behind his anger. “Hana, I love you,” he whispered. His lips crushed hers, rough and seeking and she fought to release her wrists.
Her body responded with treachery and Hana reeled at its betrayal. She opened her mouth to Logan’s tongue and let his body dominate hers. Afterwards she cried as he slept, warm tears plopping onto the pillow beneath her.
The next few weeks passed in a blur. She swapped Bodie’s car for her Honda against everyone’s advice, making her decision and sticking to it. The drive to work and back provided an oasis of peace as silence fractured her relationship. Logan behaved as though the conversation about Caroline’s child never happened and it festered between them like a sore.
Hana battled with continual sickness, alongside the staff gossip about Logan and Caroline. She kept her pregnancy secret, her thunder already stolen. Boris became a trusted friend and attached himself to her like a bodyguard. He carried her bags into the office and visited her often during the day. His male presence offered comfort and a safe haven where Caroline didn’t feature. Gossip in the staffroom froze Hana into an isolated world. She stayed in the office, keen to avoid the raised eyebrows and whispers behind hands. Moving around in a fog of despair, Hana dug herself an enormous hole and jumped in feet first.
Behind closed doors, her marriage became empty and superficial and balanced on a wafer thin equilibrium. Logan grew fitter, running up the mountain every day. He eyed Hana like a man trapped in a pit with a venomous snake. The threat of Michael Laval paled in significance against the backdrop of Hana’s relationship tumult and her sense of safety grew by degrees. She visited Amy often after work, cementing her love affair with Jas and making up for lost time. When she threw up after dinner one night, Amy nailed her. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” she asked, handing Hana a glass of water.
Hana nodded. “What gave me away?” She clambered to her feet and the colour drained from her face.
Amy shrugged. “You’ve got baby-brain. You handed Jas a block of cheese and put Action Man in the fridge after dinner.”
“Sorry.” Hana ran a hand over her face and shivered. “I’m just tired.”
“Did you speak to Logan about Caroline yet? It’s on your mind all the time.”
Hana shook her head. “I can’t. He left me alone after a bombshell like that. I can’t forgive him. I’m shrouded in numbness and I like it that way. It’s the only way to cope.”
Amy tutted. “You look like crap.”
“Thanks. I feel like I’ve died and turned into a zombie.”
Amy shoved her shoulder. “At least the undead don’t get morning sickness.”
“Morning, lunchtime, evening and bedtime sickness.” Hana yawned. “When does it end?”
Amy sat down on the side of the bat
h and watched Hana’s colour return. “Three months or birth. Take your pick.”
“Three months, I hope.” Hana rinsed her mouth with toothpaste and tucked her grandson into bed. Then she left, armed with a million pictures to send to Elizabeth in Invercargill. Hana suspected she’d eat them.
Logan shed the cast and stitches and returned to work. Hana lost her journey of sanity. She relinquished the driving seat and huddled as far away from him as possible. The weight continued to drop off and her clothing hung like curtains around her fragile body. She cried often in toilet cubicles, bathrooms and once in the fated cupboard half way up the stairs. Logan watched her with the same intensity as a geologist peering at the seismic warnings from Mount Ruapehu. Life rolled on and Hana plunged on with it, losing track of time, her marriage and not caring anymore.
Caroline reappeared like the proverbial bad smell one evening. She emerged from a vehicle parked opposite the Honda, immaculately dressed and sporting a budding pregnancy. Her vitriolic spite reached them from the other side of the car park and arrested the attention of exiting staff. “How can you just ignore me, Logan? Don’t you care about your child?”
Hana watched as Logan ignored her. He unlocked the car and sat his briefcase on the back seat. The scene appeared bizarre as he closed the door, not acknowledging the banshee crossing the car park to shout in his face. “Excuse me,” he said, his tone polite and impassive. “You’re in my way, physically and metaphorically.”
Caroline moved through shades of antagonism and fast-forwarded straight to hysteria. Other staff stopped to watch. “You owe me,” she yelled. “I expect support for this kid. It started the minute you fathered this baby, so get your wallet out.”
Hana felt the familiar nausea wash over her, induced by stress. She gripped the passenger door handle and leaned forward in an effort to suppress the need to retch. Logan glanced across at her and his eyes widened in horror as she pitched forward. In seconds, his strong arms gripped her beneath her armpits and hauled her upright. “It’s okay, baby,” he whispered. “Breathe, Hana, breathe.”