by Lexi Hart
My voice comes out hoarse. “Luther Beckett. NSDAP15337. Corporal. March 15, 1990.”
I jolt awake, sweat covering my body as I take a shuddering breath. I take a couple of seconds to orient myself.
A quick look at my watch tells me it’s time to find Blaire so she can sleep too.
I locked the door to the bedroom before I came in as a precaution. Not that a locked door would have stopped me. It never did before now.
I pull my shirt on, yawning and entire body aching as I unlock the door and go through the narrow doorway to the living space.
True to her word, she’s still awake, a book in her hands. Her eyes shift from the page to me, and a yawn escapes.
She places the book beside her and stretches out her back. “Your turn,” I say.
With a nod, she pulls herself out of the chair and yawns again. She looks exhausted. It’s hard to believe she runs on as little sleep as I do. Stupidly, it’s oddly comforting to know that about her.
She leaves the blanket on the chair and stops directly in front of me. “Don’t you want to know?”
I cock an eyebrow. “Know what?”
A smile twitches at her lips. “Whether you yelled in your sleep again.”
I shrug lazily like it’s not a big deal. “I already know I didn’t. I wasn’t asleep long enough.”
Her face falls. “Oh. Have you tried sleeping pills?”
I nod. Every combination under the sun. “They make it worse.”
Either she’s too tired to question me further or she’s thinking about what worse means.
I can almost see the wheels spinning in her head, so I shift so I can move past her, ready to go work on something to help me stay awake.
But she’s not ready to let me leave. “Would you stay with me? Just till I fall asleep.”
I start to protest but her lips tug into an awkward smile. “You aren’t the only one who has bad dreams.”
Her fingers slide into mine and she tugs me towards the bedroom. “Please?”
My feet inch forward, body ignoring the warning that this could backfire, but I let her pull me towards the bed.
She releases my hand long enough to untie her robe, leaving me waiting, uncertain of where she thinks this will end up.
With a yawn, she slides under the covers, turns on her side and pats the side I vacated.
I’m inwardly shaking my head at how I let myself get into this position when my exhausted brain seems to recognize there’s an incredibly beautiful woman inviting me into bed with her again.
I’m not exactly up to the performance, and she looks as tired as I feel, so at least that’s off the table.
For now anyway.
I climb into bed, and she immediately snuggles closer like we’re already a couple.
My arm instinctively goes around her and she lies her head on my chest, her hand resting on my heart.
With the sound of the rain outside, the soft sheets, and the feel of her body against mine and the way she’s gently stroking my skin, I’m dangerously close to believing this might actually work.
I know she needs to sleep, but I need to stay awake, so I do something I normally avoid like the plague. I talk.
“How long have you been writing?”
She sounds sleepy already. “Since I was a teenager. I wrote my first book when my parents divorced. I was seventeen.”
My eyebrows rise. “Is that young?”
She yawns. “I guess. I mean it was a cringe-worthy book. And I can’t even look at it now. But it took me out of my head when I needed it to.”
Her voice is growing thick, and I can tell she’s close to dozing by the slowing of her breathing. “Is that why you write now?”
Her fingers still on my chest. “I don’t exactly have anything else to do that I enjoy.”
I angle my head so I can rest my head against hers. “You don’t have kids then?”
Her voice comes out a mumble. “I have a niece. She’s the closest thing to a kid I’ll ever have.”
I want to ask her what she means, but her breathing is growing deeper, and her hand has stilled on my chest. “You don’t want kids?” I murmur.
She sighs, her voice fading as she slides closer to sleep. “Why? Do you have some?”
I chuckle quietly. “No.”
Her voice is a slur. “I should have asked before I seduced you. But you don’t have a wife or anything?”
I smile even though she can’t see me in the dark. “No. I’m not married.”
“Never found the right woman?”
I press a kiss to her hair. “Go to sleep.”
“Uh-huh,” she breathes.
She doesn’t say anything else for long enough for me to know she’s drifted off.
I wait a few minutes to make sure she’s really falling asleep, then try to extricate my arm without disturbing her.
I tug gently, but she only snuggles in even closer. “I don’t want you to go,” she mumbles.
I flinch. That’s why she’s not sleeping; she’s staying awake because she knows I’m going to leave.
“That wasn’t the deal.”
Her voice is a low grumble. “I’m changing the deal. Do I need to threaten you?”
I frown down at her. “Threaten me with what?”
There’s a hint of humor in her voice. “I’ll put you in a book. I’ll use your name.”
I snort a laugh. “I’ll sue you.”
Her fingers. “Pity. You’d make an amazing hero.”
My smile slides from my face. A hero. A title I’m definitely not worth of.
“I’m not a hero,” I say.
I’m about ready to tug my arm out from under her but her next words steal all rational thought. “Stay till I fall asleep and you’ll be my hero.”
Pain tears through me, unexpected, brutal and worse than anything else is the idea I want to be that for her.
For just one night, I can pretend to be more than damaged.
As long as I don’t fall asleep, I can pretend to be the man I was.
Against my better judgment, I stay where I am.
BLAIRE
Sunday 5.48am
My eyes flutter open as my heart races wildly, warning me something is wrong.
In the grey, I can’t make out the threat, but panic is overtaking me as a shadow moves in the darkness.
I have no time to react when hands clamp down on me and drag me out of bed.
He sounds almost desperate when he whispers. “Move it Jess!”
My knees buckle and I hit the floor at an awkward angle as I yell at him to let go of my arm.
I choke out a sob. “Luther! Wake up!”
He jerks back and lets out a strangled groan as he releases me. I scramble back, heart jumping around in my throat as I fumble for the light switch.
Luther slumps against the cabin wall, rubbing a hand over his face, groaning as he shakes off his nightmare.
I’m sucking in breaths, trying to process what just happened. He looks so utterly disgusted with himself; it’s impossible to stay mad.
I actively encouraged him to stay with me. I knew there was a risk he’d wake up screaming. But this? This was not what I’d anticipated.
He can’t even look at me; he keeps his eyes on the floor as he mumbles an apology.
He hurries out the door, and I hear him near run off the boat in his haste to get away from me.
Still in shock, I sit on his side of the bed, shaking like a leaf and wondering what on earth he thought was happening.
When my nerves have settled, I take a wobbly step towards the small bathroom. One look in the mirror has me wishing I could take a shower.
With the front door locked, that’s out of the question. But I seem to remember there was a side entrance leading outside to the poolroom.
I take a deep breath, grab my robe as I psych myself up to go looking for Luther.
He’s not in the boathouse, but the door is wide open, and I need to use the bathroom, and
there isn’t one, so I exit and find a bush to hide behind.
The rain must have stopped a few hours ago, because the grass is still dewy, and the sun is sluggishly rising over the hills unhindered by cloud coverage.
There’s no sight of him when I finish so I stick to my plan and head towards the pool house, hoping I was right about there being another entrance.
I feel his presence before I see him. He’s just in front of me, his posture stiff as he stalks towards the pool house.
I pick up my pace and call his name. His shoulders tense, but he keeps walking.
With a frown, I start to run until I’m at his side and out of breath. He turns and there’s such torment etched on his face; I shy back from him.
“It’s okay. I’m okay,” I say.
A dark look crosses his face and he shakes his head. “I fell asleep. I hurt you. Nothing about that is fucking okay.”
He turns his back on me, and I grab his arm to stop him. “You didn’t hurt me. I think you thought I was someone else. You were trying to protect me. Not hurt me.”
His eyes flash dangerously as his jaw starts to clench. “What did I say?”
I swallow, trying to calm my breathing and my heart rate. “Something about Jess. You wanted to leave.”
All his muscles tense before he gives me a clipped nod. “You got lucky.”
I’m not sure I want to consider what else he might have done if he’d mistaken me for someone he wasn’t trying to look after.
He starts walking again, and I find myself following after him. “Have you ever seen anyone? A therapist?”
His expression switches into guarded and I know he’s closing off. His body language speaks volumes even if he’s not saying a word.
I can’t think of what I can possibly say to lighten the mood. It’s obvious he feels bad, it would be cruel and pointless to heap guilt on him.
He warned me repeatedly, and I choose not to listen. I need to explain that to him, but if I do, I’ll also have to explain why I wanted him to stay with me.
We reach the pool house, and while I’m relieved to find I was right about the additional entrance I wonder why he didn’t mention this last night.
He seems to guess what I’m thinking when he punches in a code and the door opens. “This is on a separate alarm to the castle. And we go further than the corridor we’ll trip the sensors.”
He shakes his head as we step inside. “I should have come here last night.”
I swallow, noting he must have set the pump up so the pool is almost back to full again. “No. I needed you last night. And I’m not sorry you stayed.”
His brow knots as he leans against the wall. “How can you say that?”
I know he needs to hear this more than I need to protect myself. Even though the words are stuck in my throat, I need to tell him I understand more than he realizes.
Even though I’ve rehearsed how I’d tell someone before, the words come out choked. “I’ve been through far worse.”
I swallow, unable to look at him as I stare at my bare toes. “I stopped sleeping the night when my dad broke into our house and stabbed my mom.”
He sucks in a breath and I risk a look at him. His face is creased with shock. “Fucking hell.”
My voice comes out a feeble rasp, tears are starting to build and I don’t want to cry in front of him. “A neighbor heard my mom screaming. He called the police, and then he broke the door down. My mom nearly bled to death.”
I know I have to get this out, or he’ll never understand why I needed him there. “Mom spent a month in hospital and I started having panic attacks any time I was alone.”
I sniff back the tears and take a deep breath. “We moved away. I was too anxious to go to school, so mom had to home school me and my little brother. I spent a decade in therapy. Never told anyone about it, my dad went to jail, and I learned how to control my anxiety.”
I shake my head. “But this place...and being alone.”
I don’t need to explain anything else. When I start to cry he just wraps his arms around me and holds me like I’m the most delicate thing on earth.
I don’t want to cry, and I know if I let myself take comfort in him now, I risk making this more than it is.
So, I pull back and swipe my eyes and try for a smile. “Anyway. Like I said, you aren’t the only one with bad dreams.”
His eyes are still searching mine, and within the hazel, I see nothing but a kindred spirit.
He kisses me softly, gently as though I might fall to pieces again.
I press against him, sliding my hands up his back feeling the knotted muscles of his back right where the worst of his scars are.
“Most people have scars. You might not be able to see them, but they’re still there.”
His brow knots and he slides a hand around the back of my neck. “That may be the smartest thing I’ve ever heard.”
I’m done trying to convince him I’m okay and when he kisses me with more heat, I don’t care about convincing him of anything.
His tongue is stirring to life lust to replace the wealth of grief telling him about my family just dislodged.
I kiss him harder, growing more aggressive until my hands are tugging at his shirt.
He breaks the kiss, his breathing ragged as he looks me in the eye. “What are we doing?”
I pull back and untie my robe and watch lust cloud his face as I pull my nightgown over my head. “I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m going skinny dipping.”
He growls as I step out of his reach and dive under the water. The water is cooler than usual and refreshing and erotic as it tickles my bare skin.
I swim breaststroke under the water until my lungs are bursting.
I surface just as he dives into the pool beside me. He appears right beside me and puts his arms under my legs and drags me upwards so I’m pressed against his chest.
His brow is knotted into a frown. “Next time we might not be so lucky.”
My lips curl. “We have all day to figure out sleeping arrangements. It’s stopped raining. We could go for a walk, or we could find something else to do.”
He growls and sends me a devilish look as he pulls me into him. His face is serious as his hands slide to my ass. “We could go for a walk, but I’d rather take you back to bed.”
He kisses me and my thoughts spin wildly as his hand slides between my legs. He rubs insistently until I’m panting in his ear. “Bed. Definitely bed.”
He chuckles and removes his hand. His expression turns serious as he pulls me closer, crushing my breasts against his chest. “I need to call Jake. Take a swim. I’ll meet you back at the boat.”
I screw up my face and kiss him. “I think I’d rather come back with you. You call him; I’ll see what food I can find.”
He cocks his head. “Don’t want to be on your own?”
I nod. “Not really. Especially not naked.”
He smiles and slides his hands down to my waist. “Okay. I think there are some towels somewhere around here.”
He releases me and starts to swim back to the ladder. I follow behind, noting the effortless strokes he’s using and his technique.
Lust simmering away, I watch him haul himself out of the water, and go in search of a towel.
He leans over the water, a smile on his lips as he drapes a towel around his waist. “Only one towel. Guess we need to share.”
A grumbling sound escapes his throat as I grab the rails and pull myself out of the pool.
His eyes dart everywhere as water runs off my body and hair.
Feeling more than self-conscious at his appraisal of my naked body, I take it as a good sign when he removes the towel and his cock is rock hard.
He steps closer and throws the towel over my shoulders so he can use it to yank me closer.
His lips find mine, and he kisses me so skilfully, shivers creep down my spine.
With a growl, he releases me, reaches for his shorts and pulls them over his s
till wet skin.
I dry off hastily and find him watching me with more than a hint of appreciation.
He hands me my nightgown and robe, but I have no intention of wearing either for long, so I just wrap the towel around my chest and secure it.
I give him a sly smile which I’m pleasantly surprised to see him returning.
“What?”
His lip twitches. “Nothing.”
But it’s something.
It must be.
It has to be.
Or I just shared my deepest, darkest secret with a man I’ll never see again.
Chapter 5.
SUNDAY 7.13AM
Luther
My legs are dragging as we head back outside in the sunshine. Blaire does a hop step that lets me know her feet are cold.
I scoop her up in my arms, enjoying the little squeal she makes as I hold her close to me.
She links her arms around my neck and smiles as I start walking back. “Thanks. I’ll be glad to get some clothes on.”
A smile twitches my lips upwards as I carry her. “I won’t.”
She laughs, breasts jiggling with the movement and my pulse quickens.
The last thing I want to do is talk to Jake. But as much as I want to take Blaire back to bed, we need to get back inside the castle where we both should have been last night.
Last night. When I pulled her out of bed thinking she was Jess. The only woman in my company. The woman who never made it home.
A knot grows in my throat as I shove aside my thoughts and think about Blaire instead.
And I thought I had a rough time. She needs a protector. Someone to take care of her and keep her safe.
Even though I want to be that for her, that’s not a job I can do.
I reach the door to the boathouse and set her on her feet and pull the door open.
She trails after me, and like we’re an old married couple, she slides her hand in mine as we walk across the boathouse.
At least inside the castle, I can put an entire floor between us again. I can’t risk it again.
I help her climb up on the deck, trying to keep my hands to myself so I don’t start something up I can’t finish right now.