The Tigron had some firm friends in Immanion – Vaysh and a har named Ashmael – whom he trusted implicitly. He had loyal friends in the House of Parasiel too and was especially close to Seel and Cobweb. But all of them were intimately connected with the schemes and affiliations of the court of the Hegemony. All of them had their own views on the Tigron’s affairs, and were not totally impartial. Flick was free of all this. He could bring a new eye to Pell’s dilemmas, and because it was Flick’s nature to help and seek solutions, Pellaz came to him more often than he’d originally intended.
So, now Flick knew all the intimate and miserable details of the Tigron’s relationship with the Tigrina, Caeru, if such a hostile situation could ever be given that name. He knew that Pellaz feared that his own son, Abrimel, despised him, despite the fact Pellaz had done all he could to prove to the har that his feelings for Caeru were separate and complicated, and soaked in bitter memories. Abrimel, apparently, wouldn’t accept that. He and Caeru were very close. Pellaz confessed he’d tried to build something with Caeru, but it was impossible. For all his good intentions, he’d lose the desire for harmony the moment Caeru did something to annoy him, which was fairly consistently.
After a couple of years playing the grieving victim at court, Caeru had since begun to build his own connections and gather allies. He gave more public appearances than Pellaz did, and courted the devotion of the common hara. Most infuriating to Pellaz of all was the fact that Caeru sucked up to Thiede and that Thiede, apparently, indulged him. Caeru now owned a lot of land in Almagabra, as well as choice areas of Immanion itself. He was a har of substance and independence. He did his job well, and never spoke ill of the Tigron, all of which showed Pellaz in a bad light. When they appeared in public together, Caeru’s smile appeared genuine and he would make a display of small but affectionate gestures towards his consort. Hara noticed that Pell’s was the sour face, the stiff posture. Hara in the street knew the rumours, and none of them could understand why their Tigron was so cold to the Tigrina. Any one of them would give an eye to have Caeru at their side and in their bed.
What had begun as a personal issue – an issue of bruised hearts, sleepless nights and the smell of lost years on the evening air – had turned into a political one. A few members of the Hegemony had opposed Thiede’s plan for a Tigron, thinking more along the lines of a republic. Most had since come around, because they were sensible enough to realise Pellaz intended to do the best job he could. But now that he’d revealed his faults, Pell’s enemies leapt upon them. A couple of underground journals in Immanion, which were sympathetic to his enemies, printed snide, if superficially careful, articles about him. They pointed out that he was young, untried, and nohar really knew his history. Despite Thiede’s insistence to the contrary, Pellaz clearly did not take his position seriously and merely wanted to posture around the city, playing king. It was still up for debate as to whether Thiede had brought him back from the dead. The most vicious detractors thought he was a son of Thiede’s, born to har who’d probably suffered a worse fate than Caeru. And in the meantime, Caeru drifted serenely through city life, always deferential, always listening, always ready with a smile.
Flick could not really blame the Tigrina for any of what Pellaz told him. What other options were left open to him? Fundamentally, Pellaz hated Caeru because he wasn’t Cal. There was a dark, infected sore spot at the heart of his life, and he couldn’t speak openly of it to any of his friends, because they thought he was wrong. It wasn’t that they liked Caeru particularly – Cobweb was an expert at lampooning the Tigrina – but they couldn’t understand why Pellaz just didn’t play the game. It was as much a duty of his position as any other irksome task of state and he could not afford to betray failings. He should just get on with what he had to do, cut off his history with Cal as if it was an extra, useless and necrotic limb. And besides, Caeru was beautiful and good-natured. He’d like nothing more than to heal the rift with his consort, so why make life more difficult than it could be? Thiede would never allow Cal back into Pell’s life, so he might as well make the best of what he had. But how could Pellaz do that when he’d heard the rumours that Thiede held Cal in captivity? Thiede wouldn’t talk to him about it, and that was the worst thing. Pellaz had listened to his friends. He’d tried to close down his heart, to let go of the past, but it kept rising up to haunt him. What were Thiede’s plans for Cal? Was he trying to rehabilitate him? Was there a chance that, one day, he’d allow Pellaz and Cal to meet? There was so much unfinished business. Pellaz couldn’t get on with his life properly until it was brought to a conclusion.
After the last occasion on which they’d met, Flick went away feeling dizzy with Pell’s pain. He couldn’t offer advice, because everything he wanted to say had been said before, by hara who were more aware than he was of the complexities of the situation. This didn’t seem to matter to Pellaz. He just wanted to purge himself. There was never any danger of him finding out about the Kamagrian, because he wasn’t interested in Flick’s life. His time with his old friend was limited. Every second counted, and in those seconds, Pellaz needed to expel the floods of confusion and hurt he had to hide at home. Flick hadn’t even been able to tell him that Terez was in Shilalama. He thought Pellaz wouldn’t want to know. Neither did the Tigron want physical closeness. He could have any har he wanted, and for that reason perhaps, a friendship devoid of aruna was somehow more meaningful.
Flick had wanted to talk to Lileem about the situation, because she was the least emotionally involved in it. He’d begun to resent that he’d allowed Pellaz to take over his life and he was angry with himself that he’d let his dearest relationship, his chesna-bond with Ulaume, fall into ruin. (It was frightening how quickly and easily that could happen.) And yet, when he argued with himself about it, and asked the question ‘Who would you rather never see again?’ he could not bear the thought of losing Pellaz. If he told himself, ‘Well, in that case, go to Immanion. Give up your life in Roselane’, he didn’t want to do that either. Now he knew that the term ‘being torn’ really felt as if your body was being pulled apart by immense and implacable forces.
Still, he’d realised at the Festival of the Mountain Walker that he was on the brink of really losing everything. He’d let it go on for so long there was a chance that, should he reveal the truth, he’d lose Ulaume anyway. As to how Mima and Terez would react, he dared not conjecture. But it had to be done. As soon as he could, he would speak to Pellaz one last time, perhaps attempt to contact him through Astral, and tell the Tigron his decision. But, as Flick had learned was generally the case, circumstances conspired to change his plans.
Pellaz had never actually called to Flick. He hadn’t needed to, because Flick was always in their meeting place at the times when Pellaz was most likely to be able to get away. But on the Festival night, Flick heard a call. It was insistent, desperate and commanding. Come at once! Flick’s first impulse was to resist it, but perhaps because he’d made the decision to end – or at least change the circumstances of – his meetings with Pellaz, he decided he must respond to it.
It was easy to slip away from the crowd and run through the empty streets back home. He rode Astral bareback out of the city and up into the mountain meadows, where the spirit of the Mountain Walker felt very close indeed. Flick no longer even used a bridle on the sedu, as he’d learned to direct Astral through intention alone. Surely, the ability to jump from this reality was now very close. Astral galloped smoothly, his hooves barely touching the ground. The air was vibrating with power and dark shapes writhed at the corners of Flick’s vision. Pell’s call came louder, a deafening clamour in Flick’s inner ear. Something had happened.
Pellaz was standing on the rock ledge where he and Flick had first met. A glowing nimbus surrounded his body; radiance so strong that Flick could see it with his physical eyes rather than just sense it. The Tigron’s sedu, Peridot, was cropping the sweet grass below the ledge, and once Flick jumped down from Astral’s back, the two creature
s nuzzled each other and ambled off up the valley.
Pellaz stared down at Flick and did not speak until Flick had climbed up the rocks to join him. The Tigron’s body was stiff, his eyes wide and wild.
‘What’s happened?’ Flick asked.
‘Hold me,’ Pellaz said. ‘Now.’
Flick put his arms around him, and was aware at once of the sizzling energy coursing through the Tigron’s body. He wasn’t trembling on the surface, but inside he was shaking like a leaf. After a few moments, he pulled away from Flick’s embrace and began to pace. ‘Cal is in Immanion,’ he said.
‘You’ve seen him?’
‘Yes. If you can call it that.’
‘Sit down, Pell. Explain.’ Flick sat against the rock face, but Pellaz wouldn’t stop pacing.
‘I knew Thiede had Cal. Everyhar knows it. He’s being punished for what he did to Orien. I thought….’ He shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter what I thought because it’s just a fantasy. I believed Thiede was holding Cal in his ice palace – the place where he brought me back. It’s a long way away in the north, and securely guarded. But Rue…’ He grimaced. ‘This is the worst thing: Thiede told Rue he had confined Cal in a tower in the hills outside Immanion. I know that place. I’ve ridden past it a hundred times. It has no door. It’s just empty, a skeleton, a prison. Thiede told Rue. Can you believe that? And Rue has used this information like a knife. I’ve been stabbed so many times, I’m dead. Again.’
‘Thiede must want you to know,’ Flick said carefully. ‘That’s why he told Rue.’
Pellaz didn’t appear to hear these words. ‘I had to see for myself. You do understand that, don’t you?’
Flick nodded. There was no need to say anything.
‘I am Tigron. I go where I please. There must be a door. It’s hidden, that’s all. I can find it. I can open it through my will.’ He plunged his hands into his hair, pulled at it fiercely. ‘Of course I can. It’s all just an illusion. And there it is, locked of course, but I hold that in contempt. So easy. I should smite Rue with that force, see him bubble and burn. I could do it.’
He put his hands over his mouth, pacing, pacing.
‘Pell,’ Flick began, but Pellaz was already speaking again.
‘He was… top room. Not tied up or anything. His eyes… He wasn’t there. It was just a body. Like I’d been, maybe, when I came back to this world. Thiede had done something to him.’ He stopped pacing.
Flick stood up. ‘What did you do?’
Pellaz uttered a caw of choked laughter. ‘What did I do?’
‘Yes.’
‘Tried to bring him back. I shouldn’t have.’
‘No! You didn’t…’
Pellaz wheeled round to face Flick. ‘What would you have done? He is me. But I hate myself, apparently. What’s left of him doesn’t want me, Flick. It’s over. I betrayed him.’
‘No,’ Flick said again, in a more assertive tone. ‘You didn’t. Did he even recognise you?’
‘He said I was dead. He knows that’s not true, but he said it all the same.’
‘If Thiede had drugged him, he probably wasn’t in his right mind. The last time I saw him he was consumed by his memories of you. He probably didn’t dare believe you could be real.’
‘He knew,’ Pellaz said flatly. ‘He knows about Rue.’
‘Oh. Didn’t you explain?’
‘I tried, but he wasn’t listening. I just wanted to hold him, to bring him back, for us to remember…’ He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.
There was a silence, then Flick said, ‘Pell, did you… did you take aruna with him?’
‘It wasn’t that,’ Pellaz said sharply. ‘I can’t call it that. What I did was violation and, yes, it brought him back a little. For all the good it did. He was insane, furious. I could have been the next Orien.’
‘Oh sweet Aru…’ Flick breathed. He wanted to take Pellaz in his arms again, but that moment was past.
Pellaz stood with his back to Flick; his shoulders slumped. When he spoke, he sounded like the young har Flick had known in Saltrock. ‘How do I be good, Flick? How do I put this behind me and be the Tigron everyhar wants me to be? When will his ghost stop tormenting and torturing me? How could Thiede let me find that place and enter it? He knew what would happen.’
‘It’s Thiede you should be mad at, not yourself,’ Flick said. ‘Pell, it’s wrong. Thiede is playing with you all. What’s his motive?’
Pellaz shook his head and said nothing. His hair hid his face.
‘What interest did he have in me?’
Pellaz raised his head. ‘You?’
‘When he sent Gelaming after us in Megalithica. What was the real reason for that?’
‘Who cares?’ Pellaz said coldly. ‘You’re here. You’re free. I could almost hate you for it.’
‘You’re in danger of becoming as insane as Cal is,’ Flick said. ‘Give in to it, Pell. Become your pain. Be like him. End up in a gutter and Rue can dance on your bones. It’d be easy. Trust me.’
Pellaz stared at him for long seconds. ‘Make it go away,’ he said at last.
‘Only you can do that,’ Flick said. ‘Pell, things have got to change. Everything is stale and stagnant and – well, just bad. Cal is very sick. I think he always has been. I was wrong to say what I did to you when we first met up again. He is obsessed with you, and it’s obvious he can never be part of your life again. You must let it go. It’s for the best that Thiede has him locked up. You did need to see him for yourself. Much as I hate to say it, Thiede did the right thing in engineering that. Now, you have seen, and you must put it behind you.’
‘He is my life.’
‘He’s an insane murderer!’ Flick said, more harshly than he intended. ‘I’m sorry. That’s not exactly how I feel about it. I can’t hate Cal, because he’s so ill, but neither can I forget the day that Orien died. I can still smell the blood, Pell, if I think hard enough about it.’
‘You don’t know him like I do,’ Pellaz said, clearly avoiding further disclosures about that incident. ‘He can be healed. I know it. Part of the reason he’s so sick is because of what happened to me. How can I blame him for hating me? He went mad for nothing.’
Flick paused a moment. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘Don’t think I haven’t considered that myself. Of course, you also have to wonder whether he’s always been that way. His life with you was just a respite. There’s no point dwelling on it. Now is the time for change.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry, Pell, but there’s something I want to say. I’m sorry I have to say it now, but perhaps that’s part of what needs to be.’
‘What?’
‘I can’t keep seeing you like this. If you want my friendship, it has to be honest and in the open.’
‘So you’re abandoning me too?’
‘No. Listen to me. Your brother is in Shilalama. He lives with us. I can’t go on with this deceit. There’s too much of it.’
Pellaz uttered a cold laugh of disbelief. ‘You’re saying this to me now? You think I care about these things after what I’ve just been through?’
‘No, of course you don’t care, but you should start to. If you want to start putting things right in your life, begin here. It’d be a small start perhaps, but a meaningful one.’
Pellaz shook his head vigorously. ‘I can’t,’ he said. ‘I can’t be bothered with all the emotional fallout, the explanations, apologies, justifications…. I’m too tired and beaten to deal with it.’
‘Then let me fix it so you don’t have to,’ Flick said quickly, sensing a hint of capitulation on Pell’s part. ‘Let me speak to Terez, and to Ulaume.’ He hesitated. ‘I may have to speak to some high-ranking hara in Shilalama too. I want to be honest, Pell. Cal made a liar of me once. I won’t let it happen again. There are some important things you should know about this place, things that maybe Thiede already knows about and doesn’t want you to be aware of, or maybe things that even Thiede doesn’t know. It has nothing to do with Cal,
or intrigues, or court scandals, or petty rivalries, but a lot to do with being a responsible ruler of Wraeththu. Do you hear me? Do you hear what I’m saying?’
‘I showed you my true self,’ Pellaz said. ‘I showed you the dark, the rotten, the human bits that still lurk inside. Don’t think I’m like this at home, Flick. I trusted you. Don’t throw it back in my face.’
‘I’m not. A good Tigron would be a good listener. Have you gone deaf?’ Flick thought that maybe he had gone too far with that.
Pellaz regarded him with narrowed eyes. ‘I need allies,’ he said. ‘Will I find that in my brother, in Ulaume? Will I find that in Shilalama?’
‘By Aru, yes!’ Flick said, not sure himself if that was the truth. ‘At least, meet your brother. If Thiede has decided Terez has no place in your life, perhaps it’s time you made your own decision about it.’
After a pause, Pellaz said, ‘Very well. Now tell me what it is I need to know about Shilalama.’ He had managed to pull himself together and draw the mask of Tigron over his face. He no longer appeared confused or upset. He was a har used to having his questions answered.
The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure Page 53