Ordinary Hazards

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Ordinary Hazards Page 9

by Nikki Grimmes


  Mom and Clark

  tossing back shots of

  brandy and Johnny Walker Black,

  transporting them to

  nowhere I wanted to be,

  and I cursed under my breath,

  ducking outside

  without giving notice.

  “Nowhere to run to, baby.”

  One door-slam later,

  and I closed my eyes,

  pretending to be

  the lone dancer

  in the middle of the street,

  stomping out my hatred of Clark

  while doing the Mashed Potato,

  wadding up my anger at Mom

  and drowning it in

  Smokey Robinson and the Miracles’

  “Tracks of My Tears.”

  Sweat pouring off me,

  I surrendered to

  the happy beat

  of Chubby Checker,

  who helped me

  plant my feet

  in the moment,

  and twist, twist,

  twist the night away.

  Notebook

  Funny how, no matter what, morning comes. How weird is that?

  The sun makes no sense when everything inside

  is shadow.

  RECORD KEEPING

  My spiral notebook bulges

  with poems and prayers

  and questions only God

  can answer.

  Rage burns the pages,

  but better them

  than me.

  FRIEND SHIP SAILS AWAY

  I’m sure I made friends in Brooklyn.

  So why can’t I

  remember them?

  Or the schools I attended?

  Or the teachers I loved?

  Instead, my

  Brooklyn recollections

  are all of Mom

  filling her days

  with blue thoughts

  and blackberry brandy,

  of her recurring trips

  to the psych ward,

  of me tap-dancing past

  the local gangbangers

  until I couldn’t.

  And then there’s all the

  unwanted memories

  of Clark—always Clark,

  thrusting his ugliness at me,

  raking my

  woman-child flesh

  with a greedy hunger

  in his eyes,

  and him clawing

  at my innocence

  with filthy fingers

  until there was

  little room left

  in my memory

  for much else,

  which is a shame, really,

  because the friends

  I do remember

  were splendiferous.

  BIRTHDAY ASSESSMENT

  Thirteen was a year

  of revelation.

  I turned out to look

  not so bad, thank God—

  despite my detestable

  horn-rimmed glasses.

  Then there was my natural

  try-and-stop-me stubbornness

  and wicked-as-all-get-out wit,

  attractive qualities

  on their own.

  My sister—damn her—

  turned out to be voluptuous,

  while I was merely cute.

  It hardly seemed fair,

  but, for the record,

  by thirteen,

  I ended up the tallest

  in my family, a proud fact

  which, at times,

  made me insufferable.

  I often called Mom Pygmy.

  Believe me, she was not amused.

  But, the way I figured,

  since she’d saddled me

  with this oversized proboscis,

  I had every reason to tease her

  limited stature.

  We all have our crosses

  to bear.

  CRIMINAL INTENT

  2 a.m.:

  I woke to voices clanging like

  a discordant gong.

  Clark’s deep voice

  in menace mode:

  “Get off my back, woman!

  If you don’t want to

  work overtime, don’t!”

  Then Mom: “I wouldn’t have to

  if you’d keep a job

  for more than ten seconds,

  always talking about how

  ‘The Man’ treats you

  with no respect, as if

  you’d earned any.”

  It was an old argument

  that went nowhere.

  Like always, I pulled the pillow

  over my head, but this time

  there was a scream

  and the sound of something

  bump, bump, bumping

  down the stairs.

  I grabbed the butcher knife

  from beneath my mattress

  and sprang into the hall.

  Clark swayed dangerously

  at the top of the stairway. Alone.

  “Where’s Mom?” I demanded.

  Before he could answer,

  I leaned over the banister behind him,

  saw her crumpled motionless

  on the floor below.

  “Mom?” I called.

  “Mom! Talk to me!”

  When she didn’t, I thought

  That’s it, and moved toward Clark

  in what felt like slow motion.

  His back to me,

  I raised the butcher knife

  in a daze, about to swing when

  Mom’s voice

  cut through the haze.

  “Don’t, honey!” I froze.

  “Mom?”

  “I’m okay,” she said.

  “Really, honey. I’m fine.

  Don’t do this, baby. Please.

  He’s not worth it.”

  Clark turned to me,

  trembling.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

  “Get out!” I shouted.

  “Get out, now!” and for once,

  Clark acted like he had some sense,

  raced down the stairs

  and slipped out the door.

  My eyes burned into him

  as he bolted,

  and I thought of something

  Mrs. B. used to say:

  “God don’t like ugly.”

  You see this, God, right?

  I know you do.

  I know it.

  I ran to my mother and,

  for a while, we wordlessly

  held each other.

  My breathing slowed,

  and I began to shake,

  staring at the deadly weapons

  connected to my wrists,

  the pair of hands that nearly

  killed a man.

  How could they be mine?

  “Oh God, oh God, oh God,”

  I whispered. Still wobbly,

  Mom fought to sit up,

  took me in her arms,

  and cried the tears I wouldn’t.

  Notebook

  After all this time of keeping him away, Mom must have called Daddy. He came to pick me up, said I’d be staying with him for a few days. She’d call the school and tell them I was sick, so no worries there, but I wasn’t sure about leaving Mom. She looked at me steady, clear-eyed, and said, “I’ll be fine now. Trust me.” Something about the way Mom said it let me know she meant it. I packed an overnight bag and left. Before I did, I set that butcher knife on
her nightstand.

  REVELATION

  Daddy picked me up

  for a quick and quiet drive

  to his apartment.

  When he arrived,

  I stood stiffly for his hug,

  still uncomfortable

  being touched.

  Besides, I hadn’t seen him

  in ages.

  He ushered me into

  the mess of his

  two-bedroom flat,

  clothes strewn everywhere,

  dirty dishes in the sink,

  nothing in its place.

  Who’d want to live here?

  I thought about when

  he’d said he didn’t know how

  to care for little girls.

  I finally believed him.

  Even so, if he’d kept

  Carol and me,

  Clark could never have—

  No point in going there.

  I didn’t even want Daddy

  to see that thought on my face.

  I’d keep this ugly secret

  from him.

  There’s nothing he could

  do about it now, anyway.

  “Excuse the mess,” he said,

  clearing space for me

  on the sofa.

  “I’ll straighten up a bit,

  then you can go to sleep

  on the pull-out.”

  I nod,

  offering no help.

  The way I figure,

  he could use some practice

  taking care of his

  not-so-little girl.

  DISORIENTED

  I woke, startled that

  there was no knife

  underneath my mattress,

  then remembered

  I was at Daddy’s place.

  My shoulders relaxed

  as I rubbed my eyes,

  grateful

  for a little peace.

  COMFORT

  The next night,

  we silently shared a booth

  at a neighborhood pizzeria,

  and later sat on his sofa

  watching who knows what

  stupid show on TV,

  something that would

  make me laugh.

  Instead of plying me

  with questions

  I wasn’t ready to answer,

  he reached for me

  and, after a moment’s hesitation,

  I let his arm

  make itself at home

  around my shoulder,

  squeezing love

  through every pore—

  his silent assurance

  there was enough of it

  to fuel me

  no matter what.

  Notebook

  Too bad I couldn’t stay with Daddy longer.

  Clark’s back again, like nothing ever happened. So he’s sleeping on

  the couch. So what? I’d be happier if he was sleeping in the street.

  That’s where he belongs.

  Why is the devil

  back in my mother’s bed?

  Leave it to him,

  she’d be long dead.

  One thing, though:

  I bet he now knows

  not to mess with me.

  SHOTS FIRED

  Altogether,

  1963 was a terrible, horrible,

  no-good, very bad year.

  One November evening

  I came home from school

  to find my mother

  clutching a photo

  of John, Robert, and Ted Kennedy

  flashing those

  impossibly white teeth.

  Below the photo, the words

  “Dear Bernice,

  Thank you for your support

  of the Democratic Party.”

  Mom delicately ran her finger

  over John’s image,

  and emptied out

  every tear in her body.

  I knew just enough about

  JFK and hope

  to join her.

  Notebook

  Carol’s got her own apartment. She called as soon as she moved in. She says it’s not very big, only a studio. But still. It’s hers. Seventeen, with her own apartment! It’s up in the Heights, not far from Aunt Edna and Uncle Abe. She’s working as a cook to pay for it. Good thing she’s learned how to. I don’t think her customers would like that raw oatmeal and buttermilk she used to feed me! Anyway, since she’s underage, the restaurant’s paying her under the table, until her eighteenth birthday.

  I’ve been thinking, maybe I should go stay with her. No. I can’t leave Mom. Not as long as she’s with Clark.

  TURKEY TROT

  Thanksgiving brought with it

  new notes of grace.

  Clark left. Wrote himself

  out of our story.

  That’s all the ink

  I’m willing to spill

  on the matter.

  Notebook

  I went to the library today, returned five books. I thought about not returning A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I want to read it again. I read it twice, already. In some ways, Francie’s just like me. We both know the color of hell by heart.

  REST

  I count down the days of quiet,

  enjoy the calm

  before the next storm

  Mom is sure

  to invite.

  Notebook

  I was never happier to leave a place.

  No matter where we end up, Clark won’t be there!

  I packed up my room before I was even asked.

  The moving truck couldn’t come fast enough.

  A GOOD GOODBYE

  I sealed the last box in my room,

  shoved it out into the hall,

  eyes sweeping walls,

  dresser, bed, each holding

  the imprint of my fear.

  Good riddance, I thought

  and slammed one door,

  ready to walk through another.

  New neighborhood,

  new school.

  New Mom?

  The night before,

  she’d gathered every bottle

  of gin and brandy

  hidden in the house

  and poured the contents

  down the drain.

  “I’m leaving this place behind,

  and the drinking along with it.”

  Silence was the only honest answer

  I could offer.

  “I mean it, this time,” she said.

  “I hope so.” I was past the point

  of pretending to believe.

  Still, I’d heard of such things

  as miracles.

  BOOK FOUR

  1963–1966

  “Tamar put ashes on her head, and tore the long robe that she was wearing; she put her hand on her head, and went away, crying aloud as she went.”

  —2 Samuel 13:19

  My narrative’s a puzzle.

  What’s next and next and next

  I couldn’t say.

  The moments, hours, days

  a jumble.

  The only thread connecting them

  is me, and even then

  the thread is frayed—

  the break, at most,

  a hair’s breadth away.

  THE HEIGHTS

  Money thin as tissue,

  the issue before us

  was what we could afford.

  Solution: become boarders

  in a rooming house.

  The stay would be brief,
r />   Mom swore.

  Three months, maybe four,

  long enough to pocket

  rent and security for

  a proper apartment.

  Until then, Mom and I,

  galaxies apart,

  would share one room, one bed.

  Great new start! Not.

  Moving from two stories

  to two nightstands between us,

  squeezed was a word

  too big to fit

  the miniature space,

  the new place we were

  supposed to call home.

  Night One, walls pressing in,

  I ran out to the stoop for air.

  Amsterdam Avenue

  was waiting there,

  apartment buildings

  close enough to kiss,

  liquor store on one corner,

  Holy Ghost Revival Center

  on the other, barber and

  beauty shop in between,

  and the sweet stink

  of Sherman’s Barbecue

  tickling my nose from next door.

  Mom joined me outside,

  said we should try

  barbecue for dinner

  and my stomach

  growled on cue.

  Still, my thirteen-year-old self

  stood there, eyes closed

  for a minute or two,

  breathing out Brooklyn,

  breathing in

  Washington Heights.

  Notebook

  I’d like to miss the bay windows

  in that Brooklyn brownstone

  where I could curl up

  and read for hours,

  or miss those planked

  maple-wood floors

  slick enough for me

  to slide across

  when the mood hit.

  I’d like to miss

  the curving banister

  that I would sniff

  when it was newly polished

  so I could catch that whiff

  of lemon scent.

  But how can I miss

  window, floor, or banister

  when that house flooded with

  an ocean of ugliness

  that practically

  swept me away?

  MATERIALIZED

  Clark finally gone,

  I get to see Daddy

  whenever I please,

  even though I’ll be living

 

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