by Tiana Laveen
“You sound crazy, Jordan! I didn’t do anything. AHHH!”
He smacked him right in the mouth with the gun, and in seconds, the man’s lips began to balloon.
“You haven’t seen crazy, my friend. I let you off easy at your wedding. The plan was to give my speech and shoot you… throw my entire life away I was so fuckin’ mad. But you weren’t worth it, and neither was Heidi. This right here though? This last little stunt of yours? Buddy, you’ve crossed the fuckin’ point of no return. So here’s what you’re gonna do… You’re gonna call the HR department at my job, tell them who you are, what the hell you did, and then you’re going to go into all nine fake business accounts you set up and created, spoofing various companies, and delete them.”
“I’m not doing… AHHHH!”
He punched him in the gut. The man doubled over.
“Don’t fuckin’ tell me what you’re not gonna do, Denny Den-Den. Dennis the fuckin’ Menace. This isn’t multiple choice. What you did is not only slimy, it’s illegal. You could lose everything. It’s called libel. You know, basically slander, but in writing. You didn’t just defame me, you defamed a couple fortune 500 companies, too, by pretending to be an employee of theirs, thus trying to ruin and sabotage a business relationship. That’s a big time court case if ya ask me. They could come after ya, legal guns blazin’. I mean, I’m no legal giant, but I’d say they have a case. Wouldn’t you? Now, I want no more interruptions outta you. I’m runnin’ this now. Where is your phone?”
With a weary hand, Dennis pointed towards the living room. He dragged him there by the neck and tossed him on the couch. Looking shifty eyed, Dennis grabbed the phone off the coffee table. Before he could dial one digit, Jordan snatched it away.
“That was stupid. Ya think I’m really gonna let you call the cops on me? Now, unlock your phone, then give it to me.” He jammed the gun against Dennis’ head again, making his point clear. He waited until he’d put in his code, then took the device from him. “If you even stutter, I’ll neuter you. If your voice waivers, and you start wailin’ like a bitch, same consequences. If ya tell them I’m here, you’ll get shot in your fuckin’ mouth for being a rat, then your legs for makin’ me come over here. If ya try to take me down, you’re going down, too. Simple as that. At this rate, you’ve already done damage to my professional reputation and you better fix this shit, IMMEDIATELY! Do you know how hard I worked to get where the fuck I am?” He was met with a pair of moist blue eyes as if the bastard was on the verge of tears. “Of course ya do! You watched my progression. All the bullshit of not bein’ taken seriously.
“Nobody believed someone like me could actually be intelligent, and not only that, one of the fucking best at what I do. I finally got with a company that saw my worth, and my career has soared. I work with good, talented people. I’m paid an obscene amount, and finally, after years of struggle, things were great, but then in a few weeks, you tried to erase all of that, just because I told the truth about the backstabbin’, disloyal shit you did to me! You fuckin’ pussy.” He quickly dialed the HR number and shoved the phone in his face. “Now talk!”
Dennis took the cellphone, the color drained from his face.
“It’s… it’s voicemail.”
“Fine, doesn’t matter. They’ll check it soon. Leave a message, and say everything on this script!” He snatched a piece of paper out of his pocket and threw it down before him. Dennis cleared his throat and began…
“Uh, hi… My name is Dennis Westermann. I am friends with Jordan DeMarco. Jordan and I had a disagreement, and… and I did something I shouldn’t have, out of anger. I made false allegations, gave fake anonymous ratings and wrote misleading and fictious reviews online, to cause him to be fired. It was a terrible thing for me to do. I have apologized to Jordan and want to make this right.” Dennis paused and looked up at him. Jordan cocked the gun. “Uh, I can prove that I did it by first telling you the company names I created and also deleting them as soon as I finish this call. I know it was defamatory, which is illegal, and I regret doing it. The company names that I spoofed are…” The man rattled on, reciting the words, one by one as Jordan kept the gun pointed directly at the piece of shit. “…I’m sorry about this and hopefully, I’ve not done any irreparable damage.”
He then disconnected the call, per the instructions. Jordan was seething.
“Now, I’m going to video record you for the next part. Get your laptop so when you log on, the IP addresses match up.” He marched him into his bedroom where the man retrieved it. A few minutes later, Dennis logged in and began to delete all of the malicious reviews. Jordan saved the video of him doing so, and uploaded it to his private server, for safe keeping. They made their way back into the living room.
“Dennis, you’ve fallen from grace. I don’t know what made ya think you could fuck me over and get away with it. I’m a DeMarco. I’m not the type of man you wanna play with. Thankfully, I didn’t give in to temptation and take your life at your wedding reception, but if I had been living by the code of my grandfathers and uncle, I would’ve.” Their eyes locked. “There were other plans for me. Bigger plans, and small mice like you can’t play with the big dogs. I misjudged you because I trusted you. And I shouldn’t have. In college, you were a good kid. What the hell happened to you, Dennis?”
The man hung his head, then dabbed at the blood on the side of his mouth.
“Sasha and I aren’t together anymore… She packed and left right after the wedding,” the man muttered.
“I know. It’s a small price to pay. If it’s any consolation, she told me she believed you were being unfaithful with a woman at your job. Seems you had a whole harem. Also, she’d been drinking when I fucked her. Enough of that, though. Now, I’m tellin’ ya, as sure as my name is Jordan motherfuckin’ Antonio DeMarco, if you do anything else to sabotage me, try to get even, any of that, there won’t be any comin’ back from it. I won’t bore you with threats, yellin’ outside your window or pistol-whipping you. There’ll be no calls to the Human Resources, no scripts to read, no blocked calls and emails to attend to, no second chances. It’ll be just you and me. And death. You’ll be kissin’ your own ass goodbye under the mistletoe. I will be bearing bullets as gifts, just like Ol’ Saint Nick, AKA, Uncle Nico.”
He made his way to the front door. “Oh, and Merry Christmas, motherfucker. Better be glad I don’t wanna be on Santa’s naughty list. Normally, I wouldn’t give uh shit.” He shrugged. “But I’ve got too much on the line now, like a good woman who let me back into her world. I got a second chance. I don’t wanna be out here fucking around with a slug like you. I just want to be in her arms, where it’s warm. ’Cause Dennis, we might be in L.A., but baby, without love, it’s really cold outside…”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Have your Cannoli and Eat it, Too.
“You don’t know that.” Egypt closed his car door, holding the Christmas gift for Jordan’s mother and sister. It was two days before Christmas, and she was certainly looking forward to it. For his mother, she’d selected a beautiful chiffon scarf and a bottle of Victoria’s Secret perfume. For his sister, a lovely burnt orange hat and a Lancôme giftset. Jordan had said she loved winter hats.
“I do know it. Jenn is always over here anyway, Egypt, and her kid, my niece Riley, is with her father today. She might as well move in with Ma. It’s getting ridiculous.” He rang the bell and speaking of the Devil, there Jenn stood in an oversized gray knit sweater and tight jeans, a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a smirk on her face. She and Jordan had the exact same mouth.
“Well, would ya look at what the cat dragged in! Come on in, guys!”
They stepped over the threshold and she quickly closed the door behind them. The woman popped her cigarette in her mouth and called out, “Maaaa! Jordan and Egypt are here!”
“Okay!” Ma shouted. “Comin’ right in!”
“Egypt, so nice to meet cha!” Jenn threw her arms around her and squeezed. She co
uld barely breathe from the bear hug, and all she could hear was the rattling of the bag of donuts Jordan had brought with him.
“Nice to meet you too, Jennifer,” she managed after being turned loose. The woman was small, but if that bear hug was any indication, she was strong as an ox.
“Jordan has been back from California a few days but we hadn’t seen him.” Jenn looked her up and down, a twinkle in her eye. “Ya been keepin’ him busy, hey?” She cackled, then winked.
“Oh, well uh, actually—”
“Would ya cut it out? Geez. Ya been drinkin’, haven’t ya?” Jordan chastised. Jenn rolled her eyes and turned away. Just then, a woman wearing a cute pink turtle neck and leggings entered the room. “Hey, Ma, this is Egypt. Egypt, this is my mother.” The lady approached, her hair in a pretty updo.
“Hi, Egypt. Jordan has told us so much about you. Nice to meet you!” She grabbed her and gave her a great big hug, too. “Jenn, you lied. She’s not fat! She’s gorgeous!” The older woman held her by the wrists and looked her up and down as if she were some golden prize.
“Ma, that was years ago! It doesn’t take fifteen years to lose weight. Remember Candice? She was fat, too, but after that surgery, she got skinny as a toothpick. Took only like six months tops. Candice’s face though… yikes! Shame for someone to get their body in check but they still have a face only a mother could love. You are pretty, ya know that?”
“I know. I also don’t need the validation of others and my value as a person is not regulated by what’s on a scale. That doesn’t determine attractiveness. Additionally, I lost weight naturally, through diet and exercise, but thank you all the same.” Jenn’s eyes grew big as if she were offended, while Jordan’s mother chuckled. Egypt stopped herself from going on to say what she truly wished to say. That would have been far more colorful. After all, Jordan had warned her about his mother and sister, but especially Jenn. Although she was harmless, she seemed to lack a filter, he’d said. He was one to talk, though. Regardless, that was his family, his blood, and she had to try and navigate this if they were going to be together.
“I didn’t mean nothin’ by it,” Jenn said with a shrug. “I mean, even some people who are fat are still pretty.”
“Speakin’ of fat, you want a fat lip, Jenn? I can deliver it right now. No need for Amazon Prime two day shipping.”
“Jordan! Stop it,” his mother chastised. “Egypt, these two fight like cats and dogs. This is what happens when your kids are less than a year apart.”
Egypt smiled and nodded in understanding.
“Egypt has a Christmas gift for you two.” Jordan pointed to the bags in her hand.
“Yes, I do.” She handed the shiny red bag to his mother, and the gold one to his sister.
“Should I open it now or later?” the older of the two questioned, a big smile on her face.
“Whenever you want,” Egypt offered.
“Ya know what? I’ll save it for Christmas day.”
“Me too,” Jenn added.
“Put it right here under the tree.” Ma grabbed Jenn’s bag.
“Well, come on and sit down!” Jenn urged, taking Egypt by the hand and leading her into the living room. They all got situated as his mother made a big production by lighting the fireplace and turning on some music. Nik Kershaw’s, ‘Wouldn’t It Be Good’ played on the oldies radio station, bringing back plentiful memories. His mother sure was an attractive woman. Her cheeks were flushed, and she seemed rather excited. Happy even.
“Ma, I’m going to put these donuts in the kitchen. Stopped at Dunks on the way over,” Jordan announced. Before he could make his way out the living room, Jenn snatched the bag out of his hand and peered inside.
“Jordan, what tha hell?”
“What?”
“Where’s the jelly one at? Coffee? Where’s the fuckin’ coffee, Jordan?”
“Ma said she already made a pot and I didn’t get jelly, ’cause I didn’t feel like gettin’ jelly!”
“Well, I wanted jelly.”
“All right. Fine.” He snatched the bag and made his way out of the living room without another word.
Jenn and their mother sat together, staring at her as if she were a specimen. The two women crossed their legs the same way.
“I’m ignorant and silly,” Jenn said matter-of-factly. “I just wanna put this out there, all right, because I’m real with myself. I don’t have many Black friends, I stereotype people, and I used to be kinda prejudiced.”
Egypt looked about, wondering if she’d entered the twilight zone.
“I drink too much, smoke too much, but I’m a damn good mother and love Jordan to hell and back. We’re close as fuckin’ thieves.”
“They are,” their mother added while lighting a cigarette. “Jordan! Bring tha girl somethin’ to drink!”
“We’re sayin’ this to say that we both hated Heidi’s guts. She was an entitled, stuck-up, spoiled brat who thought her shit didn’t stink, but we didn’t tell Jordan that. We pretended to like her.” His mother said in a whisper.
“But why?”
“Because then he would’ve just stopped talking to us. Jordan is like that. If ya talk shit about whoever he is with, he’ll cut ya off like he never knew ya.” Jenn added.
“So, I take it, based off of that, you’ll pretend to like me even if you don’t?”
“Not on ya life! You’re on our turf. In Boston. See, Heidi was out there in California, and Jordan wasn’t within our reach.” Jenn nodded in agreement, then drew on her cigarette. “She had full control. On top of it, Heidi wasn’t as cute as she thought she was, either, and we have to think about the kids. I mean, truly, what the fuck are the babies gonna look like?! I could only hope Jordan’s genes had been strong enough to save ’em, but who really knows? She looked like a shrew a little, didn’t she, Jenn?”
“Yeah, a shrew… a weasel sorta, too.”
“And then to find out that rat-faced woman screwed around on my Jordan, well!” The woman huffed, took a smoke and rocked her leg back and forth like some pump. “That really took the cake!”
Egypt struggled to keep a straight face.
“And I know Jordan can be a handful sometimes, Egypt, don’t get me wrong. I’m his mother, not a woman wearing blinders. Jordan is a hothead, he can be mean as a rattlesnake, and he’s not always the most sensitive to others, but let me tell ya: he’s honest, fun-loving, loyal, protective, and has a big heart. Just like his father. But that Heidi? Geesh!” The woman rolled her eyes. “My Joseph would’ve hated her. Jordan woulda never come by here again because his father never bit his tongue.”
“And the real kicker, Egypt, was that she didn’t care about meeting us,” Jenn jumped in, adding her two cents. “We’ve been pretending to like her just to keep the peace, but boy, we were thrilled, over the moon with joy, when he broke up with her. Ma is a great actress. She played it off just in case they got back together.” Their mother nodded. “The last thing you want to do is talk shit about your brother or son’s girlfriend, then they hook back up, and he stops telling you stuff because he remembers what ya said when you let the truth come out.” The woman did have a point. “We knew this time though, it was over. Jordan would never return to a woman who cheated on him with his friend, of all people. I mean, really? How tacky!
“We’re an altogether sorta family, ya know? We’re close. I hope you don’t mind us tellin’ you all of this, but you’ve taken her place and we’re elated. Jordan loves you. I mean, he really does.”
“I love him very much, too.” Jenn and her mother looked at one another in silent communication, then both turned around at the same time and faced her.
“You’ve loved my Jordan for a long, long time.” The older woman’s eyes sheened over as she leaned forward, cigarette in hand. “That goes a long way with me, Egypt… and thank you for the flowers when Joseph died.”
Egypt’s faced warmed.
“You’re welcome.”
“So, since you and Jord
an are official lovebirds, that means we’re gonna smother ya, make you feel uncomfortable, and not because you’re Black, but because that’s just how we are,” Jenn said with a smile. “And we’ll be all in your business, too. But let me tell ya, we’re the best extended family you could ever have. We have each other’s back. If you need someone to come kick someone’s ass for ya, we’ll be there, johnny on the spot!” Egypt burst out laughing, then felt a wave of heat bloom across her face, embarrassed by her response. She sure as hell didn’t want to encourage these two women, but they were crass and hilarious without even trying. “No, it’s okay. Laugh. I know it sounds a bit much, but it’s the truth.”
Just then, Jordan returned with a small dessert plate in hand, and a cup of coffee. He handed the coffee to Egypt. She took a sip and thanked him. It was delicious. Sporting a horrid smirk on his face, he handed Jenn the plate. She placed her cigarette down in an ashtray.
“What the hell is this, Jordan?”
“A fuckin’ jelly donut.”
“What?” She picked it up with the tips of fingers. “You took out tha strawberry Smucker’s jam from Ma’s fridge and smeared it all over a glazed donut? What are you, an animal?! Some kinda psychopath?!” Jenn put the plate on the table, then jumped up and grabbed him, hugging him tight and kissing him all over his cheek. “I fuckin’ love you, Jordan! I missed ya! I missed us abusing each other like this! That’s love! Welcome home for the holidays!”
And then, all of them were cracking up. Egypt could barely breathe as she clutched a pillow to her chest. Jordan was crazy. She’d established that years ago. What she didn’t know was that his entire family was insane, but he got it honest…