by Lindsey Kelk
Leaning against James’s knees, Jenny pushed her hair out of her face and peered at Paige. ‘Honey, why are you sat up there? All the best kitty action is down here.’
‘Oh, no,’ she said with an apologetic smile. ‘I don’t really get on with cats. I’m having a lovely time, though.’
‘Are you allergic?’ Louisa asked while James sorted through the various kittens that were rubbing themselves against his beard. ‘Like Lily?’
Was there anything on this earth Lily wasn’t allergic to?
‘Don’t think so. I’ve just never really been too fond of them,’ she said, shirking away as one of the cats hopped onto his back legs and rested his front paws on her thigh. ‘My gran had this big Persian thing when I was little and it hated me.’
‘More of a dog person then,’ James said before stooping down to pick up one of the orange cats and lifting it over his head to re-enact the opening scene of The Lion King.
‘Not an animal person in general,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘I even killed my Tamagotchi when I was in school.’
‘Note to Angie, don’t ask Paige to babysit,’ Jenny said, unwrapping a piece of gum and smacking it loudly. ‘Man, how great is this? Paige just walked into this super cool job at Besson, Angie is getting a book deal, I’m about to become the greatest podcaster of all time and James is going to be some sort of super gay dolphin in the Aquaman sequel. We’re like a media power fam.’
Louisa sat stiffly in the middle of us all, stroking a massive ginger tom cat with a static smile on her face.
‘The dolphin isn’t gay,’ James muttered. ‘He’s pansexual.’
‘James Jacobs the pansexual dolphin,’ Jenny declared. ‘Angie, we’ve found your book title.’
‘Perfect,’ I said, watching as a particularly ferocious-looking tortoiseshell ran full pelt across the lawn to attack James’s leg, clawing all the way up to his crotch.
‘Even cats can’t get enough of me,’ he yelped. ‘Get it off!’
‘Can’t,’ Jenny said, rolling away from his legs and popping her gum. ‘They’re protected, it’s a cat sanctuary. They’re allowed to do whatever they want.’
‘Is that true?’ Louisa asked, her frown breaking for a moment as James ran off in wild circles, several of the cats giving chase.
‘Nah,’ Jenny replied. ‘I kinda just want to see how this plays out.’
Settling back against the sweet-smelling grass, we all watched James trying to outrun half a dozen cats, wailing as he went.
‘Do you ever think, how did I get here?’ I said with a big smile on my face.
‘Every time I get an Uber,’ Jenny agreed. ‘It’s like, I got in, I looked at my phone and then hello! I’m in Bushwick, what?’
‘You never go to Bushwick and that’s not what I meant,’ I said. ‘Stop ruining my nice moment.’
Rubbing her hand against her stomach, she looked at her watch and frowned.
‘I have to head back,’ she said, rising to her feet. ‘There’s drinks and snacks in the cooler and you’re all paid up for the next hour. I’ll send the bus back for you, OK?’
‘Where are you going?’ I asked, jumping up to follow her.
‘Gotta take care of some stuff back at the estate for the rest of the guests. Don’t sweat it.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ I offered. ‘Wait for me.’
Jenny bundled her hair into a knot on the top of her head and smiled. ‘Nah, stay with Louisa and the kitties. I have admin stuff to deal with.’
‘Jenny,’ I said, reaching for her hand and lowering my voice. ‘I know you’re going to say I’m being stupid but I feel like you’re avoiding me.’
‘You’re right,’ she replied, shaking me off. ‘You’re being stupid. I wish I could spend the whole trip hanging out but it’s turning out to be more work than I’d anticipated. Maybe I should have moved to Pennsylvania to work on a Christmas tree farm. I’ll see you at dinner!’
‘See you at dinner,’ I replied before turning my attention to the little black kitten from before who was pawing at my leg. ‘You’re too young to understand but that was a perfect example of someone being shifty,’ I explained, picking him up and cradling him in my arms like a Bond villain. ‘Also, you are a cat so it does not matter to you.’
In my back pocket, my phone buzzed with a text. Hoping it might be Alex, I pulled it out to see a message from Perry with Luka Pierce’s contact information. I was to call him at nine a.m. Monday, Lanai time, to discuss ideas for a possible book.
‘What do you reckon?’ I said to the kitten, who looked back at me with clear, untroubled sea foam green eyes. ‘The Gayest Man in Sheffield does have a ring to it, doesn’t it?’
The kitten said nothing.
‘Yeah, you’re right,’ I sighed. ‘I’ll come up with something else. I’m not throwing away my shot.’
But I am going to stop listening to the Hamilton soundtrack all the way through every single day, I thought as I returned to my friends. It really couldn’t be healthy.
There was no part of Lanai that wasn’t decent enough to look at but Bertie Bennett’s beach at sunset was something special, even by Hawaii’s standards. Leather flip-flops dangling from my fingers, I snuck away from the dinner table where James and Paige were happily cackling at each other’s jokes and made my way down the stone staircase carved into the cliff. In spite of Jenny’s promises, she hadn’t been at dinner. Instead, Camilla Rose had taken over duties as host and Jenny wasn’t answering my texts. I’d expected the beach to be empty but, instead, I found Louisa sitting on the sand, watching the waves pull back and forth.
‘I thought you went to the loo,’ I said, lifting the hem of my long floral Zimmermann dress as I sat down beside her. I was definitely more of a jeans and T-shirts kind of a girl these days but I was enjoying moonlighting as a fancy fashion influencer for the weekend. Even if Jenny would be taking all these dresses back with her to EWPR on Tuesday morning.
‘I did but I had to get away from Lily,’ Lou admitted, patting the sand at the side of her. ‘She’s doing my nut in. She kept going on about making her own organic lube and I couldn’t finish my dinner.’
I swallowed, very keen to keep my chicken tacos down.
‘It’s gorgeous down here, isn’t it?’ she said. ‘Like a painting.’
‘And a long way from Ibiza,’ I agreed, thinking back to the last time we’d sat together on a beach at sunset.
Even though Jenny was one of the greatest humans I’d ever met and I couldn’t imagine a better man to be married to than Alex (most of the time), there was something about my oldest friend that soothed my soul. We had been together for all the big moments in life: our first periods, our first kisses, that time I crashed my mum’s Mini in the Asda car park and lied about it. We’d been side by side through it all (metaphorically at least – Louisa got her period three months before I did). I’d never really thought about how important she was until I couldn’t see her every day but even though we now lived oceans apart, she was still there, a constant thread in my life. There were more colours in our tapestry than I could name.
‘Did you manage to speak to Alex?’ she asked.
I dug my fingers into Bertie Bennett’s white sand until my hands were buried up to my knuckles.
‘No,’ I said, burrowing down until I felt the powdery sand get wet. ‘Not yet.’
Lou stretched out her legs, her feet silhouetted against the fading sun.
‘If I’d have left Gracie with Tim when she was a baby, I would be either one baby or one husband down today,’ she said. ‘I know that’s not very cool to admit but Tim’s useless at being on his own with her, Ange, and I think most of them still are. It’s brilliant we’re all talking about men taking on more of a share of childrearing and they absolutely should but please know that Alex is not the norm. He might have said he was happy for you to pop off to Hawaii with your mates but, come on, surely he didn’t think you’d actually go. Of course he’s annoyed.’
‘I honestly, hon
estly, honestly didn’t think he would care,’ I said, searching myself to check that it was true. Alex never lied, never played games, never said things he didn’t mean.
Lou gave me a challenging look.
‘I really didn’t,’ I said softly. ‘I was wrong.’
She sniffed loudly and then cleared her throat. ‘Have you, you know,’ she said, nodding at my ever-present phone. ‘Sent him any pictures?’
‘Loads,’ I said, opening up the photo app and scrolling through my camera roll. ‘Here’s the sunset and here’s the cats and here’s my room—’
‘Not what I meant,’ Lou said. ‘Have you sent him any photos of you?’
She raised her eyebrows and placed more emphasis on the ‘you’ than I was comfortable with.
‘Ohhhh,’ I said. ‘You mean?’
‘I mean,’ she confirmed. ‘I know it sounds silly but with Tim travelling so much, it sort of sometimes helps.’
I balked at the thought of Louisa and Tim exchanging sexts. When I thought of the hassle we’d had getting Louisa’s first passport photo for that bloody Ibiza trip, it’s a wonder Gracie had even been conceived.
‘I know, I know,’ she muttered, pushing the sand between us into a tiny mound. The world’s smallest sandcastle. ‘But you know how men are, they love a visual. And I’m not saying I think he’s right to behave shittily but I can understand why Alex would be a bit annoyed with you. Why not send him a little pic? Cheer him up a bit and remind him what he’s missing.’
‘He’s been missing it for longer than the three days I’ve been away,’ I said, adding to her heap of sand. ‘Unless he’s getting it from Cara and then he’s not missing anything at all, is he?’
‘Don’t make me give you a slap,’ she warned. ‘Alex Reid is not cheating on you. Ever. He just wouldn’t. How about a little hot dogs or legs action?’
I looked down at my legs, shins still bruised and battered from the Lanai Olympics the day before.
‘All right,’ I conceded. ‘But can we send your legs instead?’
‘This might be something for you to work on back in your room,’ she sighed, giving up and flattening the sandcastle. ‘You don’t have to go full-on Playboy centrefold. It’s just a picture, Angela. It’ll make him smile.’
She had a point. Alex had the most wonderful smile in the world, quick to come and slow to leave, his grin made you feel like nothing in the world could be all that bad. It still made me all tingly when I said or did something that made him laugh.
‘Maybe I’ll do it when I get back,’ I bargained. There was booze in my room and I wasn’t nearly drunk enough to stage a porno shoot on the beach with my best friend. ‘I hate feeling like he’s mad at me. Do you think I’ve been taking him for granted?’
‘Yes,’ she replied immediately. ‘And I want to give you some sort of feminist award for it but I also don’t want you to lose your husband. I’m so happy he’s so good with Al but I saw this happen to loads of my friends at home. The only thing is, it was usually the other way around.’
I lay back in the sand, staring up at the palm trees that swayed overhead. ‘He’s so brilliant with her, I feel like I’m in the way half the time. He was a natural from the beginning, Lou, you wouldn’t have believed it. I was useless and he did everything. I remember sobbing in the toilet when we brought her home because he changed her nappy in less time than it took me to get one of those massive sanitary pads they give you to stick to my knickers.’
‘Such a magical time,’ Lou said with a sigh. ‘I really hate women who go on about those beautiful first few days. Mine were hideous. I was so sore I couldn’t bear to have a wee and Grace screamed non-stop. I couldn’t believe it when I went round to see my friend Jessica’s baby. Two days after giving birth and she was up in the kitchen, cooking a full Sunday dinner.’
‘What a bitch,’ I breathed.
‘Parenting is hard,’ Lou went on. ‘And everyone says it’s so cool to admit you’re struggling and it’s OK to confess that you’re having a rough time on the internet but no one has any practical advice about what to do to help. It’s easy to put up a pretty pastel Instagram post venting to strangers but it’s a lot more complicated to ask your friends for help when you don’t even know what help you need.’
‘Alice doesn’t even want to breastfeed any more,’ I said, pressing my boobs back together as they tried to escape from opposite sides of my body. ‘I wanted to do the entire twelve months but she’s not interested. I don’t know if you’ve ever spent more than ten minutes trying to force your boob into your child’s mouth while she’s crying for a bottle but, let me tell you, it doesn’t feel good.’
Lou grinned. ‘The glamour of parenting. This is what you should be talking about in your videos. How are you doing being away from her?’
‘Mostly all right,’ I said, sitting up and fiddling with my engagement ring. ‘I miss her more than I thought I would but I’m coping. Does that sound awful?’
Fierce loyalty burned in her eyes.
‘Nothing you can say would sound awful to me,’ she replied. ‘I know it feels like you can’t win right now but you’re doing brilliantly. People will judge you whatever you do so get used to it, babes, this is motherhood. Constantly feeling a bit shit about every decision you ever make for the rest of your life.’
We sat quietly for a moment, watching the sky. The sun looked heavy, resting against the edge of the ocean and strung up by candyfloss clouds. Before I’d passed out last night, I’d caught a glimpse of a furiously beautiful sunset, fiery reds and burned oranges setting the sky alight, but tonight it was powder pale pinks and blues, turning grey at the edges of the evening. A much gentler choice.
‘I hope you’re having a nice time,’ I said, pulling my dress down over my bare legs. As the sun slipped lower, the air became cooler and it was very nearly cardigan weather. ‘I know it can be a bit much when everyone’s together.’
Lou gave a short, soft laugh. ‘You mean earlier at the cat place.’
I nodded. I meant earlier at the cat place.
‘Jenny wasn’t having a go, I know,’ she said. ‘But it is sometimes strange. You’re all out here living these big, exciting lives and I’m at home trying to work out why the Sky box didn’t save Love Island.’
‘And please know that while you’re doing that, I’m at home trying to work out how to watch Love Island in the first place,’ I replied, deadly serious. ‘I’m in New York, you’re in Surrey, James is in LA, but we’re all living the same life at the end of the day, we’re all just as happy and as miserable as each other.’
‘I don’t know,’ Louisa said as she untied her ponytail and let her blonde hair fall over her shoulders. ‘I think James might be a bit happier than most people. He’s got a pool.’
I thought about it for a moment. Pool yes, but he’d told me he hadn’t eaten a pizza in seven years so there were still sacrifices to be made.
‘I love Jenny, you know I do,’ she added, her cheeks reddening as she went on. ‘But I don’t think Paige and I are destined to be soulmates. She seems very nice but I think she thinks I’m a bit basic.’
When we were younger, Lou was always the more outgoing one but, as we got older, the happy, carefree version of my friend I’d grown up with had been replaced by someone far more insecure. It seemed wrong to me. Weren’t we supposed to get more confident as we got older?
‘Someone called me normcore last week,’ I said, still bristling at the memory. ‘You’re not basic and I’m not normcore. We’re awesome.’
‘Maybe. When I was sixteen, I would have thought we were. If we could go back and tell our sixteen-year-old selves we would be doing this one day,’ she said, leaning back to rest on her elbows, ‘do you think we’d believe us?’
I watched the sun drop lower into the ocean and wondered what teenage Angela would have had to say about this. When I was sixteen, I mostly worried whether or not Anton Morris would find out I had a crush on him, when I’d get my braces off and
why my boobs weren’t exactly the same size. The boob one still bothered me from time to time.
‘The full Bill & Ted?’ I asked.
‘The full Bill & Ted,’ she confirmed.
‘I don’t know if I’d even heard of Hawaii when I was sixteen,’ I admitted. ‘But no, I don’t think I would believe us. Would you?’
‘When I was sixteen, I would have believed anything,’ she said with a smile. ‘But this might have been a bit of a stretch.’
And yet here we were: living out a dream we didn’t even know we had. It got me thinking; where would we be twenty years from now?
Lou sat up and shivered, wrapping her arms around her legs. ‘I’m getting a bit cold, do you want to go back in?’
‘No.’ I stood up and stared out at the ocean, hands on my hips. ‘Louisa?’
‘Angela?’
‘Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?’
She looked up at me from the beach and laughed a loud throaty laugh. I looked back down at her, determination all over my face.
‘Oh,’ she said as she recovered herself. ‘You’re serious. No, I bloody haven’t and I’m not doing it now.’
‘Yes, you are.’ I slipped the straps of my dress over my shoulders before the moment was gone. ‘This is a once-in-a-lifetime trip, isn’t it? When are you going to get another chance to swim naked in the ocean on a private beach in Hawaii? If we don’t do this now, we’ll regret it for the rest of our lives.’
‘Or, we’ll be sat in the old people’s home talking about that time we got our kit off on the beach and all these Instagram models saw our sad post-baby knockers.’ She crossed her arms across her chest and settled in. ‘I’m not doing it.’
But it was too late for me to change my mind. Shaking off my dress, I unsnapped my bra, stepped out of my knickers and made a run for the water. This was it, I was doing it. I, Angela Clark, the girl who managed to change in and out of her swimming costume and PE kit without flashing so much as an arse cheek for the entirety of secondary school, was naked on a beach. I felt so Breaking Dawn: Part One, only without the vampire husband who was about to knock me up with his undead love child that would need to be delivered by his chomping it out of me. So nothing like Breaking Dawn: Part One, really.