“No,” Marjorie said. “Don’t you dare apologize. You had your heart broken.”
“What if I didn’t?”
She looked at me. “Excuse me?”
“What if I knew it was going to happen? What if I knew things with Chad were going to end this way? What if I’m questioning… myself? Why I stayed with him for so long. Maybe because I was just so used to him. I don’t know. Did it hurt? Yeah, of course it did. But this intense pain… maybe it’s not about him…”
“You’re going to find happiness again,” Marjorie said. “Like I told you. I knew Martin was my one and only. That doesn’t have to be the same for you. If this guy wasn’t the right one for you, then maybe this happened for good reason.” She touched her cheek. “Oh, my goodness, did that sound terribly rude?”
I smiled. “No. It’s honest. It’s almost like waking up and trying to figure out what’s real and what’s a dream.”
“Just breathe,” Marjorie said. “It’s funny how the older you get, the more those goofy sayings matter. Just breathe, Elena. Get through this whatever way you need to. You owe nobody nothing. Remember that. Take care of yourself. Take all the time you need. Let life be life.”
“Do you miss Martin?”
“Every single day,” she said. “But I’m happy with life and I’m happy with living.”
I swallowed hard and opened my mouth to ask another question.
A knock at the front door interrupted me.
Marjorie turned her head. “Who could that be?”
“I’ll get it,” I said.
I opened the door and let out a gasp when I saw Adam standing there.
Jeans and a light gray t-shirt made butterflies dance in my stomach.
“Who is it?” Marjorie called out.
“It’s Adam,” I said.
“Sorry to bother you,” he said. “Was wondering if you wanted to do something with me.”
“Do something?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to tell me what it is?”
Adam being Adam, he shook his head. “No. You’ll just have to trust me.”
* * *
I almost said something about the massive pair of boots he wore, wanting to pick on him in a flirty way. But as he wrestled to get the small boat into the water, I realized they were actually needed. He sank into the muddy shore as he held the boat in place.
“Here you go, sugar,” he said. “Join me.”
I wasn’t exactly a fan of boats. Or maybe even the lake for that matter. On the opposite side of the lake were too many lingering memories of nights I wish I could redo.
Adam put his hand out and I took it. I climbed into the small, dirty boat and sat down. As he jumped into the boat, it rocked. I let out a small yell and gripped the edge of it as though we were in the middle of the ocean in a hurricane.
He sat across from me, facing me. “It’s okay, sugar. I promise you won’t fall out of the boat.”
“Where did you get this?” I asked.
“A friend,” he said. “There are a lot of boats around here. Nothing is going to happen. And even if we did tip, it’s not that deep.”
“I’m fine, Adam,” I said.
“You look scared.”
He slapped the oars into the water and started to row. I settled right into the sight of his forearms flexing tightly with powerful muscle as he moved the boat with ease. The rush of the water over the oars. The breeze from moving along the water. The end of the day upon us, the sun starting to go down but still providing us with plenty of sunlight.
After a handful of strokes, Adam stopped and let the boat just coast into the lake.
“I never really do this,” he said.
“No?”
“Nah. A lot of guys come out here to fish. I’m not really into it. I like to look at the lake from a distance.”
“So why did you decide to come out here right now?”
“Maybe to get you alone,” he said.
“Oh, right. Trap me. That’s smart.”
Adam shrugged. “Get any writing done?”
“Why are you so worried about my writing?” I asked with a laugh.
“Because it makes you happy. And you deserve to be happy.”
My heart fluttered. “Oh. I guess that’s a good reason.”
“It’s a great reason. You said you have someone to publish your stuff?”
“Sort of,” I said. “I just need to finish something worth reading.”
“What’s stopping you?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I shook my head.
“You said you wrote ten pages about us,” he said. “You were worried it would be like cheating. No need to worry about it now, right?”
My fluttering heart was now pounding. Adam pulled no punches in not only cornering me, but challenging me too.
“Wow,” I said. “You’re just getting to the point here, huh?”
“Life’s too short not to do that.”
“Right,” I said. “There’s been a lot happening at once, Adam. In case you haven’t noticed.”
“That’s an excuse, sugar.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t try to be some kind of motivational person to me right now. Okay?”
He grabbed the oars and started to row again. My eyes looked around and I watched as he took us right to the middle of the lake. He stopped rowing again as the sun moved down to the horizon a little more.
The boat gently floated as Adam stood up.
The boat rocked.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Stand up with me,” he said.
He offered his hand again and I took it. When I stood, my legs shook a little, trying to keep my balance.
“Scream,” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“Scream. Right here. In the middle of this lake. Just let out a scream. Get it off your chest, Elena. Don’t hold it in.”
“I’m not holding anything in,” I said.
“You are. Everything that happened with your mother. You tried so hard to love her and keep a relationship. When was the last time you talked to her?”
“We talk once a week,” I said.
“And she tries to tell you what to do. All the while she thinks she’s the greatest person in the world because she got a nursing degree, right? Yet she didn’t do shit for you when you needed her the most. Let that off your chest.”
My mouth was dry. “Adam…”
“And Chad,” he said. “That fucking loser, right? You know what? I’ll scream.”
“What are-”
Adam cupped his hands over his mouth and put his head back. He let out a bellowing ah sound that hurt my ears and made me cringe. His voice echoed across the water. Anyone near the lake could hear him.
“There,” he said. “That was for what I did to you.”
“What you did to me?” I asked.
“Yeah. I let that guy do what he did for too long. I messed up. I should have come for your heart a long time ago and I never did.”
I looked into his eyes. There was a familiar sort of glaze to his eyes. The same gorgeous look as I always remembered. Always making me feel alive, well, and safe.
“Fuck him,” I said. “And the past. I don’t care anymore about it, Adam. I can’t change it. And I can’t predict the future. I can’t look too far ahead. Not anymore.”
“Good,” he said. “Now scream.”
“That’s insane.”
Adam started to rock the boat. I instantly grabbed for his arms.
“It’s okay, sugar,” he said, laughing.
“Stop doing that.”
“Then scream.”
“I’m not screaming.”
“Then I’m going to keep rocking this boat,” he said.
The boat tilted left to right. My eyes looked down for a second and I swore water was going to start pouring into it.
“Stop it,” I said.
“Make me,” he said.
“Are you five years old, Elena?”
“Take me back to shore.”
“No.”
“Adam, I’m not kidding.”
Water smacked the side of the small boat.
Anger and panic rose up inside me. I dug my fingers into his arms, but he didn’t stop. I let him go and shuffled my feet back an inch because that’s the only room I had.
“Stop it!” I yelled.
Adam paused. “Good. Yell again, sugar.”
I blinked fast and looked around the lake.
At the other shore, my mind flashed back to the night of a party. I had gone to sleep in a tent and woke up hours later to find myself alone. I unzipped the tent and peeked out to see Chad sitting on the shore with another girl. I had no idea who it was. But he touched her hair and touched her shoulder. And when I said his name, he quickly ran to me. He was fake then. And I should have known better. I should have seen it.
My eyes filled with tears as I shut them and screamed.
A horrible, blood curdling scream. The kind you’d hear in a horror movie.
I screamed until there was no breath left in my lungs and my voice crackled.
When I opened my eyes, I was dizzy and felt the panic again, fearing that I was going to fall out of the boat.
Adam wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight.
“Now tell me that didn’t feel good,” he whispered.
I cried into his strong chest. “I hate you, Adam.”
But that was a lie.
I was falling in love with him.
* * *
He sat across from me again, his hands on my knees. Gently massaging. Knowing how to do it perfectly so that it felt good, but he didn’t tickle me. There wasn’t much daylight left at all around us. The sky was becoming a purple color through the trees with the day continuing to end. The water was peaceful. Sometimes the water would splash with maybe a fish trying to eat a fly or something.
“You okay?” Adam asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
I hated him for being right.
Yelling had helped. That scream had been sitting inside me like a heavy weight.
“It’s good to do that,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said again.
“I just want you to find the truth in yourself, Elena. I’ve seen glimpses of it before. And you should have it all the time.”
“Glimpses?” I asked.
“Yeah. There were times when it was just us, talking, and I saw the real you shine through. Or when you showed me your writing when we were younger. Or when you let your guard down. Even if you were drunk.”
“Funny,” I said.
“Everything got out of control,” he said. “The night of your party. Me getting hit by the car.”
“Speaking of that. Your shoulder still bothers you.”
“Yeah. I was told to have surgery on it.”
“Why haven’t you done that?”
“I can’t imagine not being able to work at the diner.”
He turned his head away.
He’s not being completely honest.
“You know people would help you,” I said.
“I know,” he said. “I’m stubborn. Like you.”
“Maybe I should make you scream.”
“Maybe you should,” he said with a wink.
“Oh, jeez. I didn’t mean like that…”
“Sure,” he said.
The color had already rushed to my face.
I sighed. “I texted Chad again today.”
“Oh?”
“I really should get my stuff out of the house. For good. And then figure out the lease. What he wants to do. I need to face everything.”
“Yeah, I understand that,” Adam said. “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”
Oh, there’s plenty…
I had to break my stare from him.
I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted him to kiss me.
I bit my lip and leaned forward a little.
“Adam… did you love me?”
“What?”
“In high school. Did you love me?”
“Elena… you know the answer to that.”
“I know. I just want to hear you say it.”
“Come closer then, sugar,” he said.
Adam had his elbows on his knees. My hands gently touched the hard, cool seat of the boat. We were just a few minutes away from complete darkness.
We kept leaning toward each other until the tips of our noses touched.
My lips tingled for the taste of his.
“Of course I fucking loved you,” he whispered. “I loved you from the second I met you. Before I even knew what love meant.”
My throat closed for a second.
He kissed my lips, but only once.
“Want to know what I’m thinking about right now?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said, almost whimpering.
I felt so desperate.
“I’m thinking about you… naked.”
“What?” I asked.
Adam laughed. “When you refused to go skinny dipping that one night.”
“Sorry. I’m not jumping naked into a dirty lake.”
“You should try living a little, sugar,” he said and touched my face.
Shivers attacked my body. My toes curled up tight.
I remembered that night.
Watching him strip to jump into the lake.
That was a long time ago though.
Living a little now… that had a different meaning.
I wanted a lot of Adam - all of him, actually.
18
A Little Bit of Skinny
ELENA
(then)
One of Chad’s friends knew someone that owned a small cabin near the lake. We were not allowed to go inside the cabin, but we could camp out. As long as we kept mostly quiet and didn’t attract the attention of the police, we could come up here as many times as we wanted.
It was fun the first few times, but the more we came up, the more everyone drank, acted stupid, and I would stare at the tent, waiting to fall asleep so I could wake up and just go home.
There was a picnic table covered in dark green moss. The wood looked wet and ready to just break apart. I leaned against it and watched as the guys built a fire. There were coolers around the circle, used as a place to sit. The sun had set, and the water was just a black blob that reflected the moonlight.
I heard the sound of a branch snapping to my left.
I gasped and turned, squinting, trying to figure out if it was a person or a hungry bear.
When I heard the stoner cackle of Brad, relief went through me.
Right behind Brad came Stevie, Bobby, and finally, Adam. When I saw Adam, I smiled and waved. He nodded to me and gave Bobby a shove, pointing to the fire. They went in that direction and Adam came toward me. As he closed in, I could smell the smoke on him. We agreed to not judge each other for what we did. I smoked cigarettes, he smoked something else. We each had our reasons why.
“What are you doing out here all alone?” he asked me.
Adam never got stupidly high, like the other guys did. He wouldn’t laugh at stupid stuff. He wouldn’t want to eat an entire pizza. And he wouldn’t try and do stuff, only to get himself hurt.
He was just calm and collected. It was like the smoke balanced him out.
Which I understood. When I felt myself getting jittery, a cigarette always helped.
“Just breathing,” I said.
“Breathing? I take it this isn’t the night you had planned?”
“It is what it is,” I said. “Trying to enjoy this place while I can. Won’t be long until we graduate, and this will be a thing of the past.”
“I know. It’s wild. Where are we running away to?”
I laughed. “You’re picking, remember?”
“Shit. I’d better figure this out.”
Adam looked to the
lake and rubbed his jaw.
I bit my bottom lip.
Sometimes things would go through my body when I looked at Adam that left me a little confused. I mean, I loved Chad and all. We were together. But… I don’t know.
Adam had come over to my house last week after I had a huge fight with my mother. She had been cheating on her boyfriend with a younger guy and it all exploded in the house when they found out about each other. I told her to grow up. She told me to not be such a prude. I called her a whore, which I instantly regretted. She slapped my face. Then she left.
My first instinct was to call Adam.
He came right over and sat with me as I went through angry crying to sad crying to laughing, because he never stopped trying to make me laugh. We jokingly decided we were going to run away together after high school. We were going to pick a place and make up new names and start over.
“How about Kansas?” he asked me.
“Tornados. And there’s no beach.”
Adam snorted. “No beach? You don’t even like the water, sugar.”
“I never said I didn’t like the water. Plus, there’s a difference between a lake and the ocean.”
“Oh, excuse me then,” he said, putting his hands up in defeat.
“Shut up,” I said and pushed at his shoulder.
He purposely stumbled and reached for my hand.
In a wildly quick move that both of us made, we were suddenly embracing each other. His hands at my hips. My hands at the back of his arms. Just a mere few inches between our willing bodies and confused hearts.
Adam quickly backed away, forcefully laughing. “You should go for a swim in the lake.”
“Didn’t bring a bathing suit.”
“Skinny dip then.”
“What?”
“Why not?”
“I’m not going into that water without clothes on.”
“I’ll do it then.”
“No, you won’t.”
“Dare me.”
“I’m not daring you to do that, Adam.”
“Hey, Elena!” Chad’s voice yelled from the fire.
“I’m going to do it,” Adam teased.
“No, you’re not,” I said as I walked away.
Halfway to Chad, I turned my head and saw Adam standing there, watching me walk away.
When he did that, it gave me butterflies.
IMAGINE US: by: Page 16