“She’s home,” my mother said. “She’s not feeling all that great.”
“Oh well. I’ll just hang with her then. Keep her company.”
“Chad, trust me, she’s not feeling well…”
I cringed.
I shut my eyes, fearing my mother was going to screw this up. Guilt bubbled in my stomach. I took a small step forward. I was better off just going to face Chad and tell him to go home.
“Chad, you’re so thick sometimes,” my mother said. “She’s got her period. Okay?”
“Oh, shit,” he said.
I laughed, covering my mouth.
“Yeah,” she said. “You want me to describe it in detail for you?”
“Hell, no,” he said. “Just, uh, tell her, uh, feel better.”
“Sure thing,” she said. “Bye, Chad.”
The door shut, and I sighed.
I turned, and my eyes moved to the dining room table. There was a black hoodie on top of it. It was Adam’s. He had taken it off this morning before my mother caught him in the dining room. He tried to take off, but my mother stopped him and let him get his bag from the basement. But he left the hoodie.
I picked it up and hugged it, feeling like an idiot as I did so.
Everything was kind of confusing.
I figured by the time school started, things would work out.
I was wrong.
31
Not So Alone
ELENA
(now)
I kept stopping to stare at the ocean. There were so many ideas running through my head at once. My focus had drifted back to my novel just for the sake of my heart. Because no matter how far I walked or what I did, the ache in my chest wouldn’t let up. So, I thought about my book and came to the realization that I needed to make up an ending. It was now up to me to give these characters a sense of justice, so they could be happy and I could make Lucy happy.
The sun had set. It was just me, the ocean, and a moon tucked high in the sky. It was the perfect amount of light too.
So I just walked the shore.
I let the waves walk their way up to my feet and they pulled away, back into the ocean, only to get sucked into another wave, then thrown forward at me again. There were so many clichés about the ocean and the waves. What they looked like. What they sounded like. What they represented.
I stopped walking again and faced the water.
The breeze whipped around me and I stopped fighting with the few loose strands of my hair and let them dance freely.
I thought about the house. The lake. The loft. The everything that was perfect and gave me the spark to feel like a real writer. But now I could do anything I wanted. Go anywhere I wanted. Or I could just stay here. My mother had a spare bedroom. I could stay and write until the book was finally done. Then give it to Lucy and see what she could do…
“You finally stopped walking.”
The four words made me jump.
I turned my head and did a double take.
“Adam?”
His name was as smooth as ever coming from my mouth. And it still had the same effect on my body.
It was Adam.
Walking toward me, barefoot, jeans and a black t-shirt, his messy hair blowing in the ocean breeze. He had a hoodie in one hand and his other hand was empty.
“Adam…”
It was all I could keep saying.
“Elena,” he said.
“What are you doing here? How…”
He walked right up to me and reached for my face. His fingertips grazed my chin and he swallowed hard.
“I came here to tell you I love you,” he said.
“You drove all the way down here for that? I already knew that.”
“I’ll drive anywhere to tell you that every day for the rest of your life,” he said.
“Adam…”
He took his hand away from my chin.
No, don’t stop…
He faced the ocean. “I never wanted you to be like this, sugar. To be lost. Hurt. Confused. And yet, me doing nothing about it… I caused it. All I wanted for you was to be happy. To smile. To laugh, no matter what was going on. Reality has a way of kicking your ass though. That’s not an excuse either, Elena. It’s just the truth. Without you around, the years just bled into one another. When I was alone, I found comfort in all the wrong ways. Even when I had someone, I never had her.” Adam looked at me. “All I did was talk about you. She knew I loved you. I knew I loved you.” He looked to the ocean again. “Then one random day you’re sitting on the steps to my house. Smoking. Crying. Looking as beautiful as I could ever remember, even if you were hurt. I told myself I would keep my promise to protect you because I loved you. But I could never tell you I loved you. I could never let it move forward. Because you didn’t know about my demons. The shit that had been wasting away inside me for so long. But the closer I got to you, the more I didn’t care about that shit.”
Adam paused.
Waves crashed in front of us.
Slowly, I moved my right hand and touched his left hand. Butterflies and chills fought for space in my body as I held his hand, squeezing it.
“I had been taking those pills for the wrong reasons for a long time,” he said. “But lately it really had been just for the pain in my shoulder. Because you took all the other pain away. And losing you, Elena, it makes me want to dive head first into a blackness that I know I’ll never come out of. That’s not fair to you. You shouldn’t have to live with that burden. You should live free. You should live happy. Your words are so important to me… but they’re going to be important to other people too.”
“So, what are you trying to tell me, Adam?” I asked.
He turned to face me. He threw his hoodie over his shoulder and touched my face again.
“I’m going to get whatever surgery I need done on my shoulder,” he said. “I should have done it a long time ago. It was my excuse to have pain that I could explain. And no matter what in my life, I will love you, Elena. I meant what I told you… you could come crashing into my life at any point and I would give everything up just to have you one more time.”
I took a shaky breath. So much flooded through my head.
“All we ever did was waste time, Adam,” I said. “So much time.”
“I know, sugar.”
“I don’t want to waste time ever again with you.”
“That’s why I’m here,” he said. “I stepped into my house and you weren’t there. And there was no way I was going to mess it up like I did last time.”
“So, you’re not going to kiss me and get hit by a car?”
Adam smiled. “I could kiss you and get hit by a wave.”
I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer. “If you kiss me, you’d better fucking stay.”
“If I kiss you, sugar, there’s no turning back.”
* * *
I was in his arms, our lips wildly colliding again and again. We were fiercer than the ocean next to us. My hands clawed at the back of his shirt, my mind not thinking all that clearly. It was about Adam and nothing else. He chased me down. He finally chased me down.
Adam’s hands touched my ass and he peeled my legs from around his body to put me on my feet. His hands moved around to the front of my shirt and went up. The beach breeze tickled my bare skin as he took my shirt off. I looked and saw my shirt fall to the sand. His hands touched my sides and moved down, going to the front of my jeans. I jumped and gasped, my hands pulling at his shirt again.
“Soon,” he whispered as he leaned down and pressed his lips to my shoulder.
He kissed to my neck as I put my head back.
The sky was clear, stars watching us.
His hands gently guided my jeans down my hips and legs.
I stepped the rest of the way out of them.
Adam pulled my body to his.
My hands forced his shirt up, needing to feel his skin against mine.
He used one hand to take his own shirt off, the s
ight of it so unfair because everything he did destroyed my heart in the best and the worst way possible.
My hands opened his jeans as I looked down, watching my hands work. I smelled his skin as it mixed with the smell of the ocean.
I ached everywhere.
Oh, I ached everywhere.
Adam’s fingertips touched my back and I stiffened, gasping for a breath.
He moved fast again, twisting the clasp of my bra.
My fingertips pulled at the front of his jeans.
Adam then stepped back for a moment. He placed his hoodie down on the sand for me and his hands touched me, pulling me down where he wanted me. Hovering over me, his right hand climbing from my waist up to my breast, taking a handful of me before lowering down to kiss me. With his other hand, he eased my panties down my legs and pushed his jeans down all in smooth and fast motions.
He broke the kiss to leave a trail down my neck to my chest. I arched my back and my inner thighs trembled with anticipation. His right hand touched the back of my left leg, pulling me just a little, lowering his lower half down to my body.
I cried out at the sudden pressure against my core.
Nobody could hear me.
It was just us.
The way I always wanted it to be.
Adam thrust forward and buried himself inside me. My hands pulled at his back, pulling myself up against him. I hugged him tight, wanting to kiss his chest, but my mouth was open, lips touching, breathing heavily as he began to take me right there.
Pulling back and thrusting forward with beautiful force, my body filling with pleasure by the second. I eased myself back down and my hands slid around to his shoulders. We stared at each other, eyes locked tight. Adam loving my body. My heels digging into the sand as I rocked my hips up at him.
Adam came down to me again, his chest against my chest, his lips against my lips. His body against my body. Feeling everything he had to offer. Taking all he had to offer.
I gasped and whimpered into the night as I climaxed.
But Adam didn’t stop.
He just kept going.
Which was fine with me.
I never wanted him to stop.
* * *
I held his hand and arm, falling against him as I started to laugh.
Adam caught me as I let out a cry.
“What is wrong with you?” he asked.
“I can’t see.”
“It’s just sand,” he said. “It’s like you don’t remember how to walk.”
“Well…” I said with a grin.
“You’re too much sometimes, sugar. I love you.”
“Of course you love me,” I said. “We just fooled around.”
“That has nothing to do with it.”
“I know. I’m messing with you.”
Adam put an arm around me and we walked the beach together. I felt like we’d been walking for hours when my mother’s house finally came into view.
I was still trying to catch my breath.
“What do we do now, Adam?” I asked.
“Whatever you want to do,” he said. “We can leave. We can stay. I can sell everything I own and move down here.”
“What?”
“If this is where you want to live, Elena. I’ll move here. I’ll move anywhere to be near you.”
“Stop it,” I said.
Adam stopped walking. “I’m not lying. If I have you, I have everything.”
I touched his chest. “You have me, Adam. I promise. I’m sorry I… left. I just…”
“I know,” he said. “And never be sorry for doing something for yourself. I’m sorry that what you thought about my life wasn’t real.”
“It is real, Adam. It was always real. I needed you. And you kept your promise to me. I… I got scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of losing you,” I said.
“Why would you lose me, sugar?”
“If things went too far with that stuff you were taking. It made me think of so much that happened between us. And the night you kissed me…”
Adam pulled me close. “I’m done with the past, Elena. I have right now. With you. Nothing is going to change that.”
I hugged him tight and we slowly worked our way back to the house.
“There you two are,” my mother said as she stood on the deck of the house. She had a bag over her shoulder.
“Are you leaving?” I asked her.
“Going to Mark’s for the night. You two need privacy.”
“You don’t have to do that, Di,” Adam said.
“Oh, I do,” she said. “It’s been a long time coming for this. You don’t understand how happy I was to see you at the door, Adam.”
“Nothing is going to happen here,” I said. “We probably need to leave soon anyway. Or tomorrow morning. To get back to reality.”
“Yeah,” Mom said with a smile. “Reality.”
“What’s funny?” I asked.
Mom reached for my hair and pulled at it. She sprinkled sand from her fingertips. “Must have got some of that magic jumping sand in your hair, huh?”
I gasped and felt heat rush to my cheeks.
Adam laughed. “You’ll always be the same, Di. You know that?”
“And I hope you’re not,” Mom said to Adam. “Take care of her.”
I hugged Mom before she left.
And then it was just Adam and I alone again.
He sat down in a chair and waved his hand at me to get close to him. When I did, he pulled me down to his lap.
“Fuck it, sugar,” he whispered. “Let’s just watch the waves and not worry about anything else.”
“I like that idea,” I said.
It felt so good to be in his arms.
I turned sideways and curled up, his strong arms making me feel safer than I had ever been in my life.
I put my head to his shoulder and listened to the ocean as I smelled him.
“How long can we do this for?” I asked.
“I’m good with forever, Elena.”
I smiled, blushing. “So am I.”
Adam kissed the top of my head. “How about we just start with tonight.”
I nodded.
Start with tonight… then have forever.
32
Dedicated to Worms
ADAM
(now)
“Is there anything else I can help you with, Marjorie?”
“No, no, that’s good enough,” she said as she studied her living room.
I had helped Elena move out, which was basically carrying a couple of boxes. But Marjorie had been deciding whether to stay or sell her house. She compromised by switching up the layout of her living room. It was the first time she had done so in twenty years. The marks from the furniture were forever tattooed into the carpeting.
“I like this,” she said. “It’s new. But it’s the same.”
“I agree.”
“You’ll come for tea?” Marjorie asked.
I smiled. “I’m not one for tea, but I know Elena will. And I promise you, I’ll make sure she sticks to it.”
“Can I make you some tea right now?”
“I’m actually on my way somewhere else. But tell you what, I will have tea with you someday real soon, Marjorie.”
I left Marjorie’s and tried to find Charles, but he must have been on the move. I hid some food in his favorite hiding spot. He claimed the spot was so good, no animals would find the food. I trusted him on that.
My next stop was home.
My home.
Our home.
The place where Elena lived.
I wasn’t sure it was going to be the place we lived forever, but it was the place we lived right now. And that was good enough for both of us. Right now. It was fun to talk about the past and go through all those memories and moments that we let pass us by, but what counted were the moments now.
Elena’s car was parked near the house.
I pulled up next to her car and instead of g
oing inside, I went for a quick walk.
Looking at the front of the house, there were woods to the left and the right. I never went to the right. Because that’s where I had found Janet. To the right was were Janet took her final walk.
Today, I walked to the right.
To the edge of the trees.
I stood there and felt the memories wash away from me.
I was sorry about Janet and what happened to her. I would carry a piece of that guilt for the rest of my life. All the things I could have done and should have done for her. Too messed up to realize how far down the dark path she had been at the time.
I put my hand to a tree and shut my eyes.
When she was good, her laugh was contagious. Her eyes would light up with the biggest dreams and the biggest smile. Her heart was offered to everyone around her. She was happy, free and loved without worry. In a way, she protected me and saved me, giving me time to set my feet and wait for Elena again.
For that, I would never forget her.
“Adam? Is that you?”
I turned, half wondering if a ghost was talking to me.
It wasn’t a ghost.
It was Elena.
She had her hair down, wearing a long-sleeved shirt that rested so perfectly against all the right parts of her body. Her jeans hugged her hips in a way that almost made me jealous. Barefoot and hurrying toward me, her green eyes locked with mine, showing me without a doubt that she loved me and she was mine.
I moved at her, meeting her halfway, my arms wrapping around her. I lifted her up, spun her around, shut my eyes again, and took the deepest breath of my life, wanting to smell her skin, clothes, shampoo… everything that made up Elena.
She let out a playful laugh as I put her back to her feet.
I touched her face. “Hey.”
“What was that about?” she asked.
“Nothing. Just… I missed you.”
“Did you go where you said you were going to go?”
“Yes,” I said.
“And…?”
“And… how was your day, sugar?”
Elena laughed. “You’re a pain in the butt sometimes, Adam.”
“All the time,” I said, playfully sliding my right hand down to her ass and squeezing.
IMAGINE US: by: Page 28